A Steer Towards Allah

A Steer Towards Allah

We’ve all made decisions that have lead us to disappointment and to regret upon our actions. In our generation, many of our regrets has something to do with letting our guard down and trusting somebody enough to cross personal boundaries that you usually don’t allow for those around you to cross. If you’ve ever felt this way, then know you are not alone. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

When I was a freshman in high school, I was as very strong girl. At least as strong as strong gets, after having went through the outcome of my parents’ separation and divorce. I was the new girl in a new state and a new school. I was attempting to live with my dad for a change as he was getting ill, so I reluctantly left my mother behind. As young as I was, I had always felt that at thirteen, I was smarter than many of the other girls my age. Even my new friends were learning that I don’t give in too easily to just about anything.

And then I met Moe. It is so cliché to say but I fell head over heels for him. I had never met someone like him in my life. Just two minutes with him and I had already forgotten about every problem I was facing at home. I had turned him into a support system to lean on. He replaced the empty spot in my life that had always been reserved for my mother, and, oddly enough, he reminded me of her so much with all his unique habits. We had some amazing times together, but, of course, you can never get sunshine without a lot of rain. It was the aftermath of our relationship that tore me a part. Being away from him drove me crazy. Let me just say, though, this was not a good kind of “crazy.” Love between two people was meant to make them feel at ease and peace, not like they are battling a drug addiction. I remember going out a lot more with my friends just to forget about him. However, I secretly wished to run into him. And once he’d found himself a new girl, I was devastated. I even considered using a friend of mine to make him jealous. It was horrible. None of these things worked. It was only making the situation worse and I was slowly losing myself that summer. Finally, by the end of the summer, I chopped off my long locks of hair up to my cheekbones in hope that it would help me mentally shed him off of my mind and out of my life. I needed that push to start fresh and move on.

All the expectations I had had during my relationship with him did not do me any good during the break up. In fact, letting go of them was the most painful part of it all. I believed everything he had said to me. I honestly thought I would marry him. It’s funny when you care about someone how much you want to trust that person’s words, even when the ugly truth is staring you in the face. He had many flaws, but I had been blind to them all at the time. He was a high school dropout and was pretty much not going anywhere in life. To top it all off, he was nowhere near close to God.

Depression followed once I’d moved past the phase of insanity. Sophomore year, I’d slowly drifted away from my friends and getting out of bed in the morning was harder than ever. Seeing his brother at school and driving by places we had gone together made me cringe. Whenever I’d run into him, I would keep a game face on, but cry myself to sleep once I’d gotten home. Although most dreadful of all was faking a smile on my face when I was the farthest from happy.
The depression I’d felt in those months was something I would not wish on my worst enemies. But in all that time that I had spent with myself, I began to realize who he really was, and who I had become as an effect of all these events in my life. I had lost myself in the happiness of this dunya. I had put my faith in friends, who had all either went off to college or had only been there for the good times, and were less than concerned with me at my worst. I had turned to a man for happiness, ignoring the reality that he was only a creation of the one who controls all happiness. I had forgotten that I am only human and that this life was not made for satisfaction.

I’m a senior now and, Alhamdulillah, I have never been happier. I want those who are going through anything similar to what I’ve gone through in the last three years of my life to know that I’ve been through it all. Whether it is moving to a new or foreign place, withstanding a parents’ divorce, a bad break up, having an ill family member, losing friends, or depression; know that it gets better. Seriously, time gets you through it all, Subhanallah. As for me, I never had to face any of it alone. I had God with me through all the ups and downs, whether I realized it or not, and he never left me. Putting my faith in the Creator instead of his creation has brought me a long way. Depending and attaching myself to Allah has not disappointed me since. It’s time we realize that people will almost always leave, but Allah is with you forever.

3 thoughts on “A Steer Towards Allah

  1. alhamdulillah… i’m so glad you learned this lesson at your young age and long before you’re married. it’s a much harder lesson to learn when you’re older and already married to the person you have to learn not to rely on. may Allah grant us all strength, and don’t let go of this wisdom! 🙂

  2. MashAllah, it sounds like you have a very strong Iman, many people struggle with finding their faith and trust in Allah their whole lives. But for you, it appears through your struggles you have learned an important lesson about your faith, so you are definitely ahead of the game.

  3. SubhanAllah what an inspiring post!! Thank you so much for sharing this!! “Putting my faith in the Creator instead of the Creation” was exactly what I needed to hear!!