Self-Harm

Dear Fatima,

I am a 15 year old girl in the US. I go to one of the best high schools in the country, I am a good student, I get good grades, and people regularly tell me that I am good at so much and that I have so much potential. I always put on a happy face and try to cheer people up when they’re down.
But what no one knows is that I am really a very broken and sad person. My family, although materially supportive, has never been very emotionally supportive; I am a signature case of middle child syndrome. I have been cutting for three years now, and I have contemplated suicide many times. I am no longer interested in anything; I really just don’t care, except when I am angry at absolutely everything. I have difficulty being close to anyone and so have not been able to seek the help that I need. My parents found out that I cut last year, but they simply told me to stop and did not follow up, so they don’t know any of this and I really don’t want them to see me as more of a failure than they already do. I don’t want my friends to see me as a failure, either. I am so very alone. I really hate myself and I don’t know how I can get out of this hellhole.

The thing is, I don’t necessarily want to stop cutting either. I understand that I shouldn’t, but a lot of the time I feel as though I deserve it, and as though it keeps me alive. It helps me feel when I have gotten beyond the point of caring about anything – when I am numb, it makes me feel, and when I feel too much, it makes me numb. I don’t know how to cope with anything outside of it, and that makes me feel so, so weak and worthless. When I look at all the scars I have given myself, I just want to hurt myself again.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only Muslim girl going through this. I know I am not, but that’s really what it feels like. I feel like God hates me and I have abandoned my prayers, because what’s the point of praying when everything else you do is wrong anyway? I want to believe that I can be happy, but it’s so hard.
Because I do want to be happy, I just don’t think I can be and I don’t see a way forward. I am so very broken, and I don’t know how to put myself back together. I don’t know what I’m asking for – guidance? Help? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do, and I am scared of what I might do to myself, of someone finding out, of being like this forever. Please tell me what to do.

Sincerely,
potterhead

As Salaam Alaikum Dear Sister,

I hope this message find you in good spirits today and that today is a much better day then yesterday.

For many people, self-harm is a way of coping with problems. It may help you express feelings you can’t put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain. Afterwards, you probably feel better—at least for a little while. But then the painful feelings return, and you feel the urge to get relief by hurting yourself again.

 Harming yourself may feel like an addiction. You want to stop, but you don’t know how. Or you may feel like you can’t because it’s the only thing keeping you from completely breaking down.

 My dear sister, know this: you deserve to feel better, and you can get there without hurting yourself. There is help out there. Whatever you’re facing in your life, you can learn how to not just cope with it, but overcome it.

Cutting is a way of expressing and dealing with deep distress and emotional pain. As counterintuitive as it may sound to those on the outside, hurting yourself makes you feel better. The problem is that the relief that comes from self-harming doesn’t last very long. It’s like slapping on a band-aid when what you really need are stitches. It may temporarily stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury. Once you better understand why you cut, you can learn ways to stop self-harming, and find resources that can support you through this struggle.

Some suggestions:

Confide in someone: If you’re ready to get help for cutting, the first step is to confide in another person. It can be scary to talk about the very thing you have worked so hard to hide, but it can also be a huge relief to finally let go of your secret and share what you’re going through. Opening up to Dear Fatima is an excellent first step, however you may consider opening up to someone close to you as well. Although your parents have brushed it under the rug, perhaps try discussing it with your mother again.  If that isn’t a good option, maybe another family member or friend you feel close to.  Talking about self-harm can be very stressful and bring up a lot of emotions. Don’t be discouraged if the situation feels worse for a short time right after sharing your feelings. But once you get past these initial challenges, you’ll start to feel better.

Figure out why you cut: Understanding why you cut is a vital step toward your recovery. If you can figure out why, you can learn other ways to get those needs met—which in turn can reduce your desire to hurt yourself. If you’re having a hard time pinpointing the feelings that trigger your urge to cut, you may need to work on your emotional awareness. Emotional awareness means knowing what you are feeling and why. It’s the ability to identify and express what you are feeling from moment to moment and to understand the connection between your feelings and your actions.

 Find new coping techniques: Self-harm is your way of dealing with feelings and difficult situations. So if you’re going to stop, you need to have alternative ways of coping in place so you can respond differently when you start to feel like cutting or hurting yourself.

 Alternative ways to deal:
Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint
Express your feelings in a journal
Listen to music that expresses what you’re feeling
Call a friend (you don’t have to talk about self-harm) 
Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag
Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay 
Play with / be around children and or babies

 You may also need the help and support of a trained professional as you work to overcome the self-harm habit, so consider talking to a therapist. A therapist can help you understand why you cut and develop new coping techniques and strategies to stop cutting. We can help you find someone in your area that will be a good match to your needs.  [If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].

 Remember, self-harm doesn’t occur in a vacuum. It’s an outward expression of inner pain—pain that often has its roots in early life. I have faith that you will get there. You are a strong and beautiful individual. You must remember that it is ok to breakdown every now and then, and that you can get through anything.

 –       Fatima SD

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“By the Glorious Morning Light, And by the Night when it is still, Your Guardian-Lord has not forsaken you, nor is He displeased.  And certainly the later life shall be better for you than the earlier.  And soon will you Guardian-Lord give you (that with which) you shall be well- pleased.”    – Holy Quran, Surah Duha, 93:1-5

“Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way.  But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.  I don’t understand why, when I needed you most you would leave me.”  “My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.  During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you”  – Lines from Footprints in the Sand poem

“The believing woman is never down for long. She is like a willow under a strong wind, she will bend to breaking point but will stay whole. She’ll sail against the tides and storms, she may get bruised from life, but she’ll never give up. Because she knows Allah will not give more than she can bear, she knows her worth and even if she is walked upon or laughed at, No one can take away her dignity, as her refuge is with Allah.” – The Believing Woman

“It’s only when the caterpillar struggles and becomes strong enough to break out of its cocoon it realizes its true, God-given potential to soar as a beautiful and vibrant butterfly.” – Anonymous

Salam Dearest Sister,
 
There is beauty in every part of God’s creation, and you too, as part of His creation, have so much beauty within you.  It is said that if you even open the heart of the non-practicing believer (the one who may not pray or may drink, etc), even his heart contains enough light to light up the heavens and the earth.

We are all human, we have been created with all kinds of feelings, happiness, sadness, emptiness, fulfillment, pain, numbness, joy, peace, contentment, etc.  It is only natural to experience these feelings at different points of our lives, depending on our experiences and emotional state at that time.  Remember though, the fact that you are feeling something, even feelings of numbness or emptiness at times, just mean that you are alive and living as even these are natural emotions of human beings.  The question is, when we feel these feelings, what do we do with them?  Do we do things, e.g. cutting, drinking, drugs, relationships with those of the opposite sex, etc, that will possibly make us feel something initially, but eventually only make us grow deeper into the same hole of emptiness and numbness as you mentioned? Or do we decide that we care about ourselves, if not for our own sake, then at least remembering that our lives are not ours, they are God’s creation, so it is up to us to care for the gift of life that has been entrusted to us?  Do we decide that we are going to replace those feelings of emptiness and numbness with feelings of peace and contentment? If we decide the latter, how do we do this?

Many times in our lives, due to the intensity of our struggles and tests, we end up with so much hurt and pain that we lose hope, we stop praying, we stop turning to Him, we forget sometimes that God gives us these struggles because He loves us so much and wants us to come closer to Him, He wants us to turn to Him.  He created us so He knows it’s when we are in pain and when we struggle that we will turn to Him, the same way a child may not think of his mother when he’s playing around having fun, but when he’s hurt or needs something, then he will turn and cry to his mother. It’s when we turn to Him that our hearts eventually find peace and true sincere happiness.

It’s also natural though that many times, and for many reasons, when we pray, we don’t “feel the connection,” but that’s also why having sabr (patient perseverance) and continuing to pray, if not formally then in our our words (asking, even crying to Him to help us, to forgive us, to make it better…) especially continuing to pray during these seemingly impossible times, even when we don’t feel “the connection”, eventually this is what brings us even closer to Him, and fills the empty “numbness” with even more “feeling” and peace than we could have ever imagined. 

 Remember though, God has created this world for us to live in, and has given us worldly support as a means to answer our prayers as well.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to open your eyes and heart to all the means of support He is giving you.  In our day to day lives, there are many means of support God provides us to help heal our body, mind and spirit because all of it is connected.  Just as you have done by reaching out to us here at NYF Online, continue to open your eyes and heart to these things, things as simple as working out to get the endorphins in your body flowing, sitting outside in a beautiful natural spot, even just reading a book (“Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” are just a couple I really like), going out for a hike with some friends, or doing yoga are just a few examples.  But sometimes we need even more support in addition to these others, sometimes our situations and circumstances are so tough that we need to reach out to a licensed counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist, and this is why God has also provided us with those individuals as His answer to our prayers as well.  [If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].

 Sweetie, many times because of horrible situations we have been through, sometimes we go into shock and become blind so we can’t see our true selves.  It is at times like these that Allah gives us signs, like the blessing of doing well in school, or people telling us how good we are and how much potential we have, etc (“Thus doth Allah make clear to you His Signs, for those who reflect” – Holy Quran 2:219 as well as various verses throughout the Quran).  Sometimes others are our mirrors when we have become cloudy inside, so allow these mirrors around you to remind you of what a beautiful enlightened soul you truly are, and allow that light to slowly break through whatever it is that is suppressing the true you.

 My sweet sister, the fact that Allah opened your heart to even share your feelings with us, opening the opportunity to allow someone in, is a sign of how much He cares for you and wants you to get better.  Now, inshaAllah, I pray you will use your struggles and this inspiration as a strength to, as referenced in the butterfly quote above to, “break out of [your] cocoon to realize [your] true, God-given potential to soar as [the] beautiful and vibrant butterfly” that you are.

 –       Fatima AC

[You may also like to read this quote from the Post on NYF online called “My Life Continued Without You” – “It took time. When you’re committing such a bad sin like sex, I realized that my prayers stopped. I started those up again. I started praying all my sunnahs. The first few days, I didn’t feel it. I just felt like I was doing a task. Why?

Well, it’s because my heart had hardened. You can’t just expect to have a good, healthy heart when you’re doing something so wrong. My heart had shriveled up. It wanted the dunya, the forbidden apple, and neglected the only thing that would save me: striving for the akhirah.So I prayed. After a week, I prayed a sunnah prayer and I just started crying. I couldn’t stop crying. And it’s because after a week’s long of just this mundane task of moving my limbs, I finally felt the prayer. I felt the power of knowing that this prayer was my connection to Allah, that no matter how f***** I had become, I had a chance.”]

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Dear potterhead,

First, we need to mention the issue of worrying about what others are going to think, be it friends or family, that is holding you back from accessing help and support. I understand that it likely brings about shame, disrespect, and/or humiliation. Lets agree to go forward anyway and address these feelings later, as your health and safety is of primary concern. What is necessary at this stage is information/tools and a person that can mirroryour accurate reflection back to you. This can be a friend, a mentor, an elder in your community, or a counselor, for example. But it needs to be someone whom you trust who will not judge you, above all. So immediately, change your status from alone to a working relationship with whomever you choose. That amounts to having to share your inner thoughts with someone who can receive them and appreciate you as you are. And don’t stop looking until you find that person or persons.

Know that you are certainly not alone in the feelings you describe and the cutting behavior you have succumbed to. What you are feeling is valid. The thoughts (about yourself) that cultivate those feelings, however, are inaccurate. This has caused a cascade of emotions that have developed into a coping behavior–cutting. Cutting is a temporary release, but it’s not without repercussions. Our aim needs to be to replace this behavior with a more constructive one, not simply extinguish it. But behavioral change will be an outcome, an effect, of addressing the inaccuracies in how you view yourself and the fears that drive that thinking. What I’m saying is that you can get to a place where you won’t want this behavior anymore, and that’s when it will drop off. It would be beneficial to find a guide and examine the messages you took in as a child that has brought you to your present view of yourself and hence your behavior.

It is clear you are unfamiliar with this territory and feel lost. I assure you that the terrain of the mind is intricately complex, beyond the very comprehension that is housed within it. It is completely understandable that you are confused about what is happening to you. What you are experiencing is valid and it has an explanation, you just need to go to those who can explain it to you. Don’t give up until you find that, as you would be giving up on yourself. There are obstacles to reaching enlightenment, but you will get there if you keep trying, Insha’Allah.

Know that you are acceptable as you are and that there is nothing tragically wrong with you. We are not taught even the basics of psychology (the study of the mind and behavior), so when we get into a jam like this, we erroneously think it is a fatal flaw within us. Not so. It’s only a temporary tangle if we believe in ourselves and our inherent worth enough to fight our way out. You will find your way as long as you don’t give up on yourself. Ever. And don’t get snagged by expectations of when that will be, as everything is by Allah’s design.

When we have thoughts like that God hates us, know it is merely a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. That is not in line with Allah’s Attributes and therefore it is a distortion that stems from our low self-concept. He is even on our side when we aren’t. Hold fast to that knowledge and ask Him at
every turn to help you find your way out of this misery.

Lastly, (and critically important), the suicidal thoughts demonstrate the urgency of your situation. This is a slippery slope and you certainly don’t want to give yourself any more room to slide. Make contact with a trusted connection today, as soon as you finish reading this reply. That means now, my sister.

 –       Fatima SY