What I feel, if I felt.
Dear Fatima,
Asslamualaikum, this is the first time I’m posting on this website. This is the first time I’m writing about what I’m feeling. A little about my self, I am a Male, I am 20, I attend college, I am on the hinges of dropping out and doing nothing for the rest of my “life”. Let me explain how I feel before I get into what my thoughts are like.
I feel like I will die within the next second. I feel like I have done enough, and that I am done being on this planet, because all it entails is sorrows and hopelessness. I feel like I am going nowhere, and I am doomed. I feel like I don’t love anything. I feel sweaty, like my heart is rushing. I feel like sleeping and not waking up one day. I feel like telling happy people to stop being happy because there is no point.
But I dont wish these things.
The thoughts I have are endless. Why What Where When Why WhY WHY WHY WHY…..it’s so much thinking. I just want it to shut off for once. My head hurts, and my hearts in this endless drop. I feel so sad but there is so much good around me. I think about my parents dying, and me not ever getting to see them again. I think about the evils this world has and how it’s so pointless people hate each other. I think I am responsible and I feel like crap. I think about all the people I see and how I’m probably never going to see them again. I think about their deaths and mine and predict how we would die. I think about the very end without thinking about the beginning and the middle. I think about unhappy I am and how I want to happy. I think about how many sins I commit on a daily basis especially the sin of doubting islam. When I’m rational, I don’t doubt islam. It’s thoughts I don’t control. I Used to be in control. I’ve done so many things and I always wanted to do more. But now I see hopelessness to everything. I used to care about the people around me, I used to look forward to building a career to make change in the world, to better society, to educate myself about islam, and everything else. But now it’s nothing.
I believe its because of the atrocities around the world. I believe it’s because I can’t handle the truth about reality. It’s because I believe we’re supposed to be good. I don’t want to go to hell, and I don’t want to not trust god but it’s becoming so tough, so very tough, and I just want help. I went to a psych and she wanted to give me meds. I dont want to be a zombie. I want to be a muslim who truly believes. Thank you for reading. Please I just want a few questions answered before you guys go.
1. Only those who reject islam, not those who were never introduced, go to hell?
2. Will Jannat feel like this at all?
3. Will I see my loved ones (Those who believed of course)?
4. And how can Islam make me happy again?
Thank you guys, please make a lot of dua for me. I really am having troubling surviving this feeling.
** NOTE from Adimin: Please note updates by the brother in the comments section below, highlighted in bold italics.
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Dear What I Feel, If I Felt,
Assalam o a alaikum,
From reading your post it seems that you are feeling very sad.
Unfortunately what’s going on around us is very depressing. The news of the wars, the carnage and the atrocities would make any sensitive person sad and depressed. I don’t know about you but given the negative propaganda, many Muslim youth are questioning their faith.
What is important to realize is that if you see closely enough, through this fog of dis pair you will be able to see the ray of hope. You can see that there are Muslims, Christians and Jews working together, raising awareness about the atrocities being committed around the world.
There are a lot of good people who are helping other human beings for humanity sake. These are the people blessed with the positive vision of the world.
As much as we all want to change the world with a single stroke of a pen, it is not possible. It’s about taking one step at a time and starting with one good deed. You have to remember the Hadith of our beloved prophet SAW (paraphrasing) “If you are about to place a plant in the ground and you hear the trumpet (of the day of judgment) blown, you go ahead and place the plant in ethers ground”. This Hadith tells us never to lose hope and do good no matter what. As you know once the trumpet is blown the day of judgment will be established.
My suggestion to you would be to avoid focusing on the negative news and getting involved with a local social work organization, which gives you the opportunity to help others through physical involvement, like helping pack stuff for refugees, getting involved in volunteer meetings with others, feeding the needy, etc. I emphasize the physical activity, more than mental, because there are psychological and physiological benefits to this as well. InshaAllah, you will see helping others in this way is a very satisfying feeling.
The symptoms you describe are those of depression, which I call a “negative illness”. It takes away all the good feelings from your heart and fills it with negative ones, which is why you don’t feel happy and don’t want others around you to be happy either. Medications can do wonders for depressed patients, without making them into “zombies”. If you don’t like the idea of medication, you can always see a therapist on regular basis (once a week initially), which would be helpful as well.
I will end with this, life to us has been given to us as an amanah, it’s up to us how we treat it. The ups and downs are part of life, if there were no struggles, life would be boring.
I hope this was helpful.
I would be more than happy to answer any questions you may have.
Sincerely,
Your Brother in Islam
“Fatima W”
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Dear What I feel, if I felt,
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Life is definitely full of doubts and scary things.
It’s hard to watch the news, and it breaks my heart sometimes to see the pain.
What’s amazing is that life also has such light, promise, and beauty.If we only see one and not the other, then we are preventing ourselves to fully appreciate the fullness and complexity of life.
We wouldn’t work as hard for justice, love, and peace if we didn’t know that the opposite exists and is painful.You are thinking about death, and it sounds like your focus on it is preventing you from seeing life. Yes, we will all die, but what legacy will we leave?
There is a hadith that the good works that we leave behind are everlasting charity, like a gift that keeps on giving.
Think about it… why do we know the names of anyone that has come before us? Of the Prophets, of Einstein, of Mother Theresa, of Ghandi, of Martin Luther King, Jr.? It’s because they made their time on this earth count. Each of us can do this in our own way…For example, there is a homeless man that lives in our neighborhood. There is a whole network of people that take care of him in different ways. Some bring food, some give him money. It’s clear that he has had a tough life, and he could have been overlooked. But the community decided to rise to their higher natures and take care of him.
In that way, all of us have a choice – to do rise to our better nature (“Certainly we have created man in the best mold”) or to drop to our lower nature “asfala saafileen (lowest of the low)” (Surah 95). The surah goes on to describe the ones that are successful in rising to their better nature – “Those who believe and do good”
Bottom line: We all have to contribute to building a better world, or it won’t rise to its potential… but it means we all have to chip in.
You can’t be responsible for all of it, just your part.From reading your post, it also sounds like something very particular has happened to you recently that has hurt you very deeply, and that one-on-one counseling with someone who can help you find your way through it is important.
Some of the physical things that you describe sound like you are feeling overwhelmed. If the counselor you saw is recommending medications, feel confident to ask more about them. Be honest about not wanting to feel numb, and work with the counselor to come up with a plan that is good for you. Medications don’t have to make you a zombie, they are sometimes useful to help bring the feelings down just enough so that they don’t overwhelm you. That way you can figure out a plan that makes sense to overcome whatever is bringing up the feelings in the first place.
I can’t answer your philosophical questions about the afterlife, I wish I could. I know that we believe in an afterlife, and that the soul lives on after the body. More detail than that you’ll have to ask an Imam.
I’m glad you reached out and were honest about how you feel.
That’s the first step in moving from a “life” to living.Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
salaam brother-
I’m glad you’re finding the support in the community, and your own personal strength and connect with God through your journey. If you feel the need to talk or want an outlet you can always reach out to me. (I believe you received my contact info from the stonestobridges counselor)
God bless and protect.
-ishraq
zohaib123
Asalamualaikum,
I just wanted to give a further update to everything and Alhamdulillah I am feeling a lot better. After 2 months of straight anxiety attacks and severe clinical depression, after being in the hospital, after seeing therapist after therapist and imam after imam I am proud to say I’m on the road to finally recovering.
For those going through depression or sadness, I would recommend going to the therapist, chaplain at your school or masjid and telling them everything. Every question that depression brings up. What helped me was not only verses from the quran and prophet pbuh ahadeeth, but quotes from a lot of scholars of other faiths (Judaism and Christianity).
I realized that we are not the ones to judge only Allah. I realized we are not in control, only Allah. I realized time is short and we need to be the best we can be and that’s by following prophet Muhammad’s pbuh way. It’s crazy how easy faith can bring you out of depression before meds could. I am also taking meds but because of Islam I actually recovered a lot faster than without it.
Listen guys, idk about you but panic attacks suck and your life is beautiful and you have so much to bring to this world even if your head tells you there’s no point. There is a point. Everything. You do is an act of worship. If you kill yourself you fall under the worst sin, not being pleased with what Allah gave you. So if you do feel depressed ever remind yourself this, we all have a purpose, we all die, we all are going back to Allah, and that should be enough to get you to go ask for help.
2 years of being depressed, 2 months of panic attacks and anxiety, and I’m feeling more closer to Allah than ever. Subhannallah. Allah tests us every step of the way.
Get help if you ever EVER think of killing yourself
Thanks everyone for the support. Love you all. Alhamdulillah for everything and
Ps never hate anyone. Never judge anyone. Just feel blessed you exist
Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam and humanity
**Note from StB Admin: Alhamdulillah, this brother realized he needed urgent support so in addition to submitting his original post, he also submitted a Contact Us form on this website. In response to our follow up when we called him back, our counselor noted the following: “I wanted to let you all know that on the phone call he seemed very thankful for the phone and for us reaching out – especially in the time frame that we did. He continued to tell me how much liked that we were a group of Muslims and that were looking out for his well-being.” The Stones to Bridges Board would like to thank you all for your support in making this organization a means of benefit for the well being of the Muslim youth who need it!
S Maraya
It took me a while to really process it, but you’re absolutely right, Allah’s testing us every step of the way. I guess I have to remember that He’s with us and there for us every step of the way. I pray that He gives us the ability to be there for each other. May Allah reward you, I’m keeping your words close to my heart always.
Anonymous
Dear brother,
I pray that these past few days that you have opened up and started to seek help turn out to be the first steps of a beautiful awakening you have with your life and dealing with your emotions. This will inshAllah be a new beginning of a new chapter in your life, one of greater wisdom, peace, and understanding. Know that the fact that you have gone as far as you have right now in seeking help and asking these questions is because Allah LOVES you and will not leave you alone. If Allah didn’t, he would leave you to wander blindly in your despair and not guide you to the support system you have and the future steps you will take. Keeping you in my duas, and please keep us in yours.
Anonymous
Dear What I Feel, If I Felt,
I feel your pain and I can tell you are a strong person for posting on this site. I know you have given up on the Earth and on people but you shouldn’t there are good people on this Earth. Not all people in the world are evil and I know you know that because I can tell you are a sincere and genuine person. I can tell you think of others and you think of all the trouble other people are in. The people who have posted here are also very good people, they took time to make sure a fellow human being could keep living on and contribute to making the Earth a better place. I used to think the world was pointless until I met 13 strangers that changed my life and my outlook on life. They showed me what it means to be loved and to love others, they taught me what it means to be a human being, they taught me that life is a wonderful thing. I hope these posts can make you realize you are loved and that you will get through this.
One Love Brother
Anonymous
Dear brother-
If you ever met me in person, you would label me a very happy go lucky, cheerful and fun person. But on the inside, I’ve often felt the exact same frustration you do. Find some peace in knowing- that no matter how people are behaving on the outside…inside we all struggle. Look at the successful and money loaded celebrities who turn to suicide…they have it all and it is still not enough. To tell you the truth, giving up on life is the easy way out…what’s hard is fighting with the demon inside us telling us that it is all hopeless and we might as well throw our hands up in the air. I get incredibly deeply effected by news…the Gaza situation had me crying endless nights and i just felt awful. Then one day, i decided…let me get up and do something. I joined the efforts to protest, boycott Israeli products and supporters as well as reach out to those locally who need help. Helping others actually gives you a sense of peace…that you didn’t just sit through this life hopelessly. I suggest along with taking care of yourself (which comes first!), try to help out at local shelters, talk to those who have less than you….when you see the homeless/hungry poor smiling and laughing….you see what holds this world together: hope. Don’t let go of that….this restless fire inside you is what ignites the passion to DO something and bring hope. I believe a person like you can make a big difference in this world because you have a heart which feels so much. Please brother, take care of yourself…you are a valuable soul which Allah himself breathed life into.
zohaib123
Salam everyone,
Just wanted to give an update.
I actually went to the hospital last night because my depression was becoming unbearable and I was about to do something very stupid. Luckily I had a lot of support, I went to the hospital. Gonna be seeing a therapist once a week and will be on meds for a little bit hopefully not to long inshallah. For all those going through a similar feeling, I just want to remind you it’s a disease/illness not you. So try to fight it. It’s super hard. I’m still going through a lot but I’m trying I’m leaving all my worries to Allah.
Anonymous
Dear brother,
I am glad that you made the right decision by getting help. There are many people that struggle with depression including myself. There are many ways to overcome it with meds, exercise, yoga, and good friends. More importantly, with the believe in God like as you said who is going to take care of everything. We just need to do our best to follow the right path.
Yesterday, an important life dream of mine shattered. It felt like I had lost my soul and the whole world is going to crash down. I was very sad. Today, I woke up with a different attitude and found a way to salvage my broken pieces and realize some part of it. I surely feel like entering a new chapter and I feel fine.
Life failures, struggles and sorrows are going to be always there and I know it is hard at your age to realize that as it is not as pretty anymore as the life we have as kids. Reality is not pretty. I hope you have strong individuals in your life to look up to for advice when you need and don’t feel alone.
Stay safe and out of trouble little bro.
Saghar
Anonymous
Salaam,
I’m so glad to hear you got help and that you had a positive experience when you went to the hospital. It’s so important that you shared that because too many people are afraid to seek medical help for issues like depression and anxiety.
Too many Muslims have a misconception that seeking help, especially medication, somehow suggests that the person is not a good enough Muslim. In fact, depression, just like any other illness, is simply part of what Allah has promised us: He will test us in our lives, wealth, and family. And the Prophet Muhammad has said, for every illness there is a medicine (or treatment). So to me, it’s clear that a Muslim who is tested must seek any means possible to find treatment or healing or guidance to find their way out of the difficulty.
One verse that gives me a lot of deep comfort is when Allah reminds us never to despair of His Mercy, and that in the midst of difficulty, He also puts some ease for us.
May Allah swt continue to surround you with support as you go through this difficulty, and may He reward you for any moment of struggle in accordance with the hadith that a believer will not suffer anything including the prick of a thorn but that he or she would have sins expiated or have some reward inshAllah.
Thank you for sharing with all of us and reminding all of us that anyone can be tested with depression, and that there is help available alhamdulillah.
Anonymous
Salamualaikum my Brother,
I can feel the despair you feel at the suffering that is in the world around you. I think the people above have provided you with much good advice. Many young people are confronted at some point, usually around your age, with the difficult realities of this world and struggle to make sense of this in light of their belief in a benevolent God. I have seen this struggle not just in Muslim youth, but youth of other faiths. There really is no simple answer I can give you to help resolve this, but perhaps encourage you to take this as an opportunity from Allah to lead you where he wants you. I have come to believe that all that happens to is in this life, whether it is the good or the immensely devastating, is the will of Allah. It is humbling to see believers who have immense patience and trust in Allah in the face of horrifying circumstances. To see the Palestinian youth who declares Allahu Akbar as the bombs hit, and the young man who recites shahada as the snipers fire their shots is to see how Allah blesses his servants with peace in their hearts when it is most needed. I know as you read these words you feel left out of this blessing. However, as the poet Rumi beautifully expresses in one of his poems, the yearning for faith and connection to God is in fact a blessing from Allah in a form. I would encourage you to find inspiration from reaching out and helping others in whatever form you can. Reach out also to the Quran and the example of the Prophet’s life (I would recommend the biography by Martin Lings). The prophet too dealt with a time of great sadness in his life. Allah gives us the tools with we can help ourselves. I strongly encourage you to consider medication treatment together with therapy. To accept God’s signs is to accept the help that he has made available to us. In cases like yours where depression is severe enough to cause suicidal thoughts, the best outcomes are with medication treatment combined with therapy compared to therapy alone or no treatment. I will be praying for you. Ask Allah and He will provide you with all you need.
Anonymous
First of all, thank you so much for being strong enough to post your struggles on this website and trusting the community with your feelings and insecurities. Secondly, it seems like you’ve been going through this for a while and I can tell you that even being able to cope with these feelings for as long as you already have makes you an AMAZINGLY strong person. Have faith in yourself that you can and will overcome anything life puts you through.
Remember that God has put you on this earth for a reason and that your purpose is out there somewhere, even if you haven’t found it yet. Also, like some of the other users suggested, therapy may be a good idea – it does not make you “crazy” at all, it only helps to sort through your feelings and find your footing amongst all the wreckage around you – it works, trust me.
Something I learned to do to make yourself a more positive person is to give yourself little morning “pep talks.” Look in a mirror and tell yourself how you are going to be that day. Tell yourself you are a strong person who can push through anything, that you love yourself, your family, your friends, and that your life DOES have a purpose. Just doing this for a minute or two every morning will change your life.
One last thing that I think may help is to go back and read your favorite book, watch your favorite movie, or do a fun activity that may be therapeutic for you. Personally, I would probably go read a Harry Potter novel and go bake some cookies, but of course you should pick something that you truly love doing and use that when you’re at your worst.
I hope these suggestions helped and remember that you are an amazing, strong, resilient person who can tackle anything.
XOXO
Anonymous
Dear What I Feel, If I Felt:
I can understand to some extent what you are going through. Ever since the war in Gaza started, along with everything happening in Syria/Iraq, Pakistan, and the list could go on, I too have had such a difficult time finding meaning in life. Unfortunately, I have been going through some personal problems as well, so seeing the world in chaos made it more difficult to deal with my own personal problems, and feel hopeful about them. A little like a small tornado running into a bigger tornado, only to become an even bigger one.
As I read your letter, I could literally feel your despair and hopelessness, and my heart breaks a little to know that you are hurting this much.
Here are some things that I have done to help myself.
I’ve stopped watching/reading the news. I was so absorbed into the news that it was all I ever read. A part of this was everyone on Facebook was doing the same, so whenever I went onto Facebook, all I saw was news about people dying/being persecuted. So, I stopped reading the news & stopped going on Facebook. At first, I felt so guilty…as if I wasn’t “caring” enough about my brothers/sisters all over the world suffering. But then I realized, constantly reading about the tragedies, and being depressed to the point that I was questioning my faith wasn’t doing any good for my brothers/sisters (and I don’t just mean Muslims, I mean my brothers/sisters in HUMANITY).
So, I try to make sure that I remember them in my du’as, donate when I can, and do my part in other ways. Fortunately, I work for an organization that focuses on helping populations deal with the psychological aftermath of trauma/war. Even though my work isn’t directly working with individuals, I fully recognize that the work I do is making a contribution to the organization in order for it to continue to be able to do its work. Alhamdulillah.
I would highly recommend that you do consider therapy. I used to go to therapy, and it was very, very, helpful. Alhamdulillah. He/she will help you dissect your feelings, and better understand everything that’s going on inside of you. And then you two will work together to address the feelings, and take small steps to being in a better place emotionally, inshaAllah.
Also, I know it helps me a lot when I can confide my feelings of hopelessness and even doubt of Islam with someone whom I know will not make judgments. This may happen for you by going to therapy, or confiding in a close friend that you trust. Talking through all of this, and then taking small steps (I say small steps b/c you really can’t wake up one morning and feel 100% again..as it didn’t take a night to get here) towards renewing your faith & yourself.
Exercise and diet are also really important. I studied Nutrition, so I fully recognize the relationship of what we eat to how we feel. It’s very real. Another aspect of food is that perhaps it can be a means of finding pleasure in something again. Trying new, healthy foods/flavors may give you the small spark in life you need to just get going again (i.e. trying new things). Exercising helps me b/c I am able to release a lot of stress and all those happy hormones that come with it make me feel like I can get through the day.
I hope and pray that you will be in a better place, soon iA. Do not be afraid of reaching out for help. You are a human being full of amazing potential. Sometimes we need to reach out to others and ask for help so we can recognize the potential again.
Sending lots of duas and positive vibes your way,
Your Sister in Islam
S Maraya
Thank you so much for sharing. The courage you had to muster in order to open up about your fears and doubts is immeasurable, and I pray Allah stays with you always. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing, please keep asking Allah for anything and everything you need. I’ll be asking Him for you as well.