severe loss of balance in life
Dear Fatima,
I’m a 17 year old girl in high school. I have been facing extreme social distress from a young age. There are 2 incidents that I will highlight. Most of the girls in my school never talk to me. In fact, I get so lonely sometimes that I have contemplated suicide. Reading the Quran and praying is not helping me at this point.
There is one particular girl that I was completely normal with in middle school and now she has found better friends than me. I don’t mind not being her best friend but since I have so many classes with her, I find it very depressing that no matter how many times I try to communicate with her after school, she always ignores me.
Another problem that I will mention in between here is that I have a huge problem keeping things inside. I am the kind of person that likes saying something straight up when it distresses or bothers me. If I don’t, there is a giant cloud of foggy thought that overtakes my mind and my being until I resolve the issue. Confronting people when such incidents occur is said to be beneficial because it allows one to talk out their feelings. In my experience however, 99% of all of my past friends have left me after a confrontation. It has almost never revived my friendship with anyone. Thus. I feel uncomfortable confronting my friend that I mentioned in the previous paragraph.But at the same time, I can’t keep my emotions inside because I am going to explode. I can feel it; I really don’t want to end up hurting myself. I value my life but I can’t see any light inside the tunnel that I have been trapped in for the last 4-5 years of my life.
To make everything worse, I also lost 2 best friends recently. We were having a normal conversation, and then one of them took what I said the wrong way. When I called her to ask if everything was ok, she hung up on me. I don’t know what happened after that moment but I haven’t called her or seen her for a few weeks. And since then, I have only seen my second best friend. (we were a group of 3). She looked the other way and refused to make eye contact. I literally crashed; I didn’t know what to do with myself. And I still don’t know what is wrong with me, what pulls people away, and why I can never be able to call anyone a real friend. All I know is that I’m a complete mess and in desperate need of help. I have been to a therapist many times but it has never worked. Please advise me in regards to these situations.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
The situations you describe do sound both distressing and lonely. They make me wonder if you what you are experiencing might be what is described by the book “Odd Girl Out” by Rachel Simmons that describes aggression between girls.
If that book seems to describe your situation, then you have a few choices – either decide to conform to the “rules” of groups that you are in so that you can maintain the friendships that you have, or become comfortable with being an “outsider” and find friends who are also comfortable being “outsiders”. Being an outsider is tough, and I think that maybe finding that you are not alone in the experience might help you figure out how to manage that experience. Another book “Queen bees and wannabees” by Rosalind Wiseman appears to have additional strategies for managing these kinds of relationships.
Another piece that stands out in your post is that you say 99% of your friends are no longer your friends after a confrontation. It makes me wonder how exactly those conversations went. Are there any themes there? Perhaps there are ways to talk about feelings that promote closeness between you and the person that hurt you. If you think that might be helpful, perhaps those strategies could be incorporated into difficult conversations with your friends.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Asalaamu alaykum sweetie, ان شاء الله everything will be ok, thank Allah for the blessings. Sometimes when you get too close to people, you need to be pulled back and re focus. Love for the sake of Allah is beautiful. When you love someone who reminds you of Allah. Think about finding righteous companions and don’t worry about those girls at your high school. It is a good thing to be distanced from people who only distract you from Islam. It is a blessing that you have the free time, so make good use of it. It is a blessing because you can remember Allah more. There is no benefit of engaging in idle talk with those girls. Trials are a part of this dunya. Have sabrun jameel (beautiful patience) You do not need those girls. We just need Allah, the most Loving, the most Merciful. You are more beautiful than those girls, please do not let them affect you in any way. There is a book called “reclaim your heart” by yasmin mogahed that discusses a lot of what you are going through, and how you should deal with the situation. Asalaamu alaykum.
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
Let me tell you where the light at the end of the tunnel is: leaving High School. I went through your exact situation since age 8…I made friends and felt like this is the BEST possible friendship-I always emotionally invested too much in people I love. And then comes a huge hot slap of reality across my face when I get hurt or the very same people walk away without explaining.
High School is a place where we all learn many valuable life lessons. Take the past few years as a Friendship 101 class. It seems like you had the same issue I did; you emotionally invested a lot in friendship and that’s why when they fall apart its very personal.
College will be a fresh new start and did you know, it’s a known fact that the majority of us humans meet our lifelong friend either in Kindergarten or College. (I strongly believe we rarely ever meet the good friends in Middle School and High School because that is when everyone is growing up, learning how to be catty and having some serious hormonal changes).
I get you need to speak out- but sometimes, it’s not the best approach to the solution for you. If you love speaking out, that doesn’t necessarily always mean you have to be heard by the person who is hurting you. Write it out in a journal or talk to your mother/cousin/sibling/us ….someone completely out of touch with the people you need to figure out through words.
Don’t spend so long looking at the closed doors behind you that you miss amazing opportunities ahead. High school sucks for 80% of each school…but we all spend so much time looking at that 20% living it up that we forget….this is just the beginning of life. You have numerous opportunities to build yourself. My father always used to tell me, friends come and go. I never listened to him and ignored family for friends. Today its my family that is still here- not the friends. Oh- and the one incredible friend i did finally meet in college. I applied all my lessons learnt- don’t get too close, dont’ take things personally and feel free to treat everyone like an acquaintance until they take a step to be closer to you.
When you step away from the people who make you feel unworthy, you will be stepping closer towards the people who make you feel valuable. So take the first step and say “enough. I’ll meet my lifelong friend in college. Until then let’s focus on studying and get outta here!”
Hope is where the heart is. Keep hope alive and your heart will start dancing to the beat!
Best wishes,