Deep Loss

I can understand that it feels frustrating for you to not have the type of relationship you want with your sister. It’s tough to feel like our family isn’t on the same page with us and we feel some distance between them, especially when it’s a sister who is so close in age. We naturally want to feel like our family members are on the same page as us, cut from the same cloth so to speak. The reality though is that this is just not always the case. It may be that you and your sister simply have different personalities, different aspirations or even different world views. Being in the same family does not necessarily mean that you are automatically on the same page in regards to your approach to life. And it may be that this is just a phase during a period of growth where you drift apart but you will find that you become more close later on when you have both developed into your selves. This is often the case. 

Many times siblings are not close during their teenage years while they are changing and figuring out who they are in the world. Different personalities sometimes deal with change in different ways, and that can result in people pushing away from others at times. But once that period of growth is completed and the person has settled more into who they are and accepted themselves more, usually they are more able to be open to others and that is when relationships can have a new life. This is especially true with siblings. I know of many cases like this, including my own. My sister and I fought a lot as teens and were very different, which seemed to keep us from being close. But after moving through those crucial years of growth and coming into our own, we found that we were able to just be our different selves with one another and there was more acceptance and room to let a new relationship form between us. We are now quite close and yet still very different in our approach to life and ways of handling things. I believe that as people mature they are better able to manage relationships, socially as well as with family.

In terms of your wish to turn this around; my recommendation would be to try to work more on accepting it. Not in the sense that you need to accept that this is the way it will always be, because that is unlikely actually. But to accept that this is just how it is now, in this period of your lives, and to give it room to change on its own. I think what you could perhaps turn around is your perspective of the situation and your attitude towards it. If you can focus on your own growth and self development and begin to embrace that you are perhaps just different than your sister, you can hopefully begin to realize that the things that make you different are in fact what makes you unique, special and what makes you you. There are certainly many strengths about your character and your personality and approach to social life. Being sensitive, although challenging, is a great asset to your character. It means that you are more in tune with your self and open to subtleties inside and outside of yourself. This can be difficult because you perceive and receive a lot and it makes it a challenge to deal with the outside world. The good thing is that this is a wonderful trait for a person to have because it lends itself toward self reflection, awareness and increased consciousness. All things that will benefit you in the future as you grow into your potential as a person. The more you can focus on your own aspirations and direction and not be consumed by the direction of your peers, the more likely it is that you will find contentment and success in life because you are being true to yourself instead of following the whim of others. Often times people look to others for acceptance and this leads to a lack of self confidence that creates a whole host of problems later in life. If you can learn to embrace your tendency to be more introverted and use it to your advantage by getting to really know yourself and what your priorities are, then you are more likely to have successful and healthy relationships in the future. This is because your relationships will then be grounded in a place of knowing where you are and who you are instead of trying only to please others or look for recognition from others. And this is when you are able to actually see and be seen by others truly.

Insha’allah your relationship with your sister will improve over time, when you both understand yourselves enough to know how to be your unique selves with each other and benefit from your differences. For now, you can do your part in getting to that point by working on understanding who you are, what it is that makes you special and embracing the natural gifts and characteristics that Allah has blessed you with. The best gift you can give to the world is your true self. 

With compassion and support,

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam

“Fatima Y”