Major Sins
Dear Fatima,
I read about deadly sins that doom a person to hell. Shirk, murder, practice magic, adultery and so on. How about rape or molest or abuse? How about the pedophile out there? How about people who are responsible for the mess I have to deal right now? Of me being afraid of marriage. Of me having romantic feelings with the same gender. Of me generally seeing men as predator.
I know you will ask me to go find help, talk to counselor, psychiatrist or something. I don’t think it is going to work out. I don’t want to feel what I feel… but I can’t help it. What I feel for women and men is real. Unless I lost my memories, I can’t un-feel what I felt, un-think my thoughts.
I tried to be closer to Allah.. every thing seemed ok and peaceful. I am convinced that at last I managed to let go of my past and free from it. Until one point something happened and triggered me, I become lost again.. I am far from Allah again. Like, right now. 🙁 …
What happened? I fall in love. again. with a girl.
Being homosexual is a deadly sin, so tell me am I worse than the abusers? 🙁
Assalamu ‘alaykum,Your post had so much in it that I wanted to think before I responded.You raise a deep spiritual question when you ask about those who molest or abuse others. I cannot answer it from a fiqh perspective but can say this – one of the types of du’a that is the most powerful is the du’a of the oppressed. I believe that children are one of the most vulnerable categories of people. So harming them would, in my heart, make them of the oppressed. There is also a strong tradition in Islam of leaders being troubled by the task of taking on leadership positions because the welfare of all those in their care is something they would have to answer for on the Day of Judgement. The Pharoah at the time of Musa (as) was an example of someone who did not care for the people in his care and went a step beyond to oppress them. But you don’t have to be a king to have people in your care. Any person you are responsible for is an amaana (trust) given to you by Allah and must be cared for – even if that person is yourself.The second issue you bring up is how you feel about men and women. I can’t speak to whether your attraction to women is a result of your abuse or if it is something you were born with.However, I do know that the only way you will sort it out is to work through it. You’re right that you can’t unexperience what you went through. That is part of you now. But it doesn’t have to define you or your future. By going to a counselor and working through it, you take back the power to write your own story. Like I said I don’t know if going through that process will change your sexual orientation but it will help you live with less pain and less fear.I’m not sure why you are feeling like going to a counselor won’t “work out.” If you want to post more about that perhaps we can answer your questions or respond to your concerns.Wa ‘alaykum salam,Sincerely,Your Sister in Islam,“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Salam my beautiful sister,
Bismillah hir rahman nir raheem. Let me just start by telling you, you are not a bad person. You are not the worst of the worst and no you are not worse than an abuser! Look, I am not the most knowledgeable but I have gone through my own trials and I just wanted you to know you arent a horrible human being because you believe yourself to be homosexual or bi-curios. The fact you are reading up on these sins and looking for help shows that you have awareness of Allah (SWT). Sister, we all go through trials, some worse than others maybe, but this is yours. I know you feel like your in an unavoidable predicament but you have to pull through. If anything I learned from my own experiences is that nothing just goes “right”, there is always ups and downs… You said you thought you where out of this situation until you got back into it again and now you feel like you are losing hope. But let me tell you, Allah loves those who struggle to get close to him. No matter how many obstacles get in your way, try to go back to Allah. I am not sure how old you are sister but after some age you will realize that the only lasting love in life is Allah’s love. This love or spark you feel for this girl will not last, I am telling you. Please dont put yourself down and give up, dont give into your temptations with this girl. One more thing, I am a student studying psychology and I know you might feel as though it wont help seeing anyone about this. But…it is a good idea to do so because they could help you deal with the situation. If not then Allah is the best of listeners. Sometimes you just need to cry it out to Him and complain, He will surely listen and give you answers.
Take care of yourself sister <3 🙂
H.
Anonymous
first, i just want to thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. to be honest, it’s only because of your post that i found the strength to comment – so know that by sharing what happened to you and what you are going through, you are helping others. i’ve never commented here before but i was prompted to respond, because, to be honest, i just want you to know that there are people out here that love you and want to support you, and care about your well-being and ultimate success and happiness in life. one of my family members also went through the same thing – at a young age, someone close to my family irrevocably violated the trust they had been given. it would only be years later that we found out. however, the hurt, pain, and years of emotional scarring was done and my family member had/has to deal with it everyday. i can’t say that i fully understand what either of you have been through, and while no two people are the same, going to counseling really really helped. like what fatima z said, to let what happen to you not define you, to let it not consume your everyday, you need skills to help you break it down, and no longer hold you captive. going to a counselor also helped with learning how to deal with the anger, depression, and resentment felt on a daily basis.
lastly, never give up on Allah, because He will never give up on you. you mentioned how you tried to build your relationship with Allah, but than things kind of fell apart… don’t let the fact that you feel so far from Allah discourage you from turning to Him. even when i feel so far from Allah, i try to talk to Him, because i need to believe that there is some larger force controlling what happens, some larger force that has an ultimate plan in mind, some larger force that will punish the person that brought so much pain in our life. if i let go of that belief, than all i would feel is anger and bitterness about what happened.
i hope this helped. praying for all the best for you.
nafiz.tafader
Salaam Walekum Sister,
I hope you’re doing well and this comment reaches out to you and can help you on your way. A lot of what I would like to say relates directly with what Fatima Z has already mentioned. Find a way to work through it. Your past carves the way to your future but it does not mean that it will be a part of your future. You can leave the negativity, the struggles, the pain, and oppression behind you and pave a path for yourself to greatness. But you have to find that faith in yourself and in Allah to build the foundation for the future.
In terms of deadly sins and punishment for those who are the oppressors, Allah takes care of that. Those who have hurt you will be punished for their wrongdoings. Allah will make sure to it. Bad deeds don’t go unnoticed even though it may seem that way. Just like good deeds don’t go unnoticed. We have to remember that anything and everything that happens on this planet from our birth to our deaths is all temporary. Our ultimate goal is to do and be the best people we can be here on this planet in this life so that we can go to Heaven after we die.
Leave that past behind you. Forgive for the sake of Allah and keep having faith in Him. I know it may seem very difficult at times to do so but never give up. Allah will never give up on you so you should never give up on Him. And if you ever feel doubtful, come here to Stones to Bridges and we will be here for you. Or listen to some lectures, or read Qur’an. Or just pray. Say dua.
Never give up, sister. This world is too beautiful to give up.
I hope this helps, even if it’s in the littlest way possible.
Take care,
Nafiz