I don’t know where to turn…
Salam,
I’m a 15 year old guy. I have posted on here before but I just don’t know how to get help.I have been struggling much more recently with my sexual abuse experience. When I was 8 years old, a family member starting molesting me sporadically until I was 12-13. People wonder why I hate him so much and until now I didn’t know why and then I realized it’s because of what he did to me. I thought it was my fault because I thought that I wanted it but I started wondering what if he made me think that. I see him everyday, and I sometimes think about what happened but sometimes I don’t, which makes me feel like I’m not reacting to it like I should be? I know I have to get help but from who? If I tell anyone in my family, everything will change and will be ruined. And I already feel unsupported by my family and they make me feel like crap anyway. If I tell my friends, they might do the right thing by telling a school social worker or a teacher and it’ll get even more out of hand. I can’t go to a school social worker or counselor because then they’ll tell my parents. I don’t want everything to change or people to start looking at me different. I just want to talk to someone about it without all the consequences. I go into these dark places when I can’t talk to anyone. I get depressed, I can’t focus on school, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my grades drop, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to leave my bed, and I struggle to find reasons to want to wake up the next morning or live another minute. I feel like I have nowhere to turn.
As salaam alaykum
I’m so glad that you’ve reached out here. It’s such a hard thing when you feel you have no where to turn. I hope that throguh this platform you can not only find support, but that we can help you find some resources to find someone that can help you in a more consistent and direct way. I understand that you are worried about talking to anyone in your immediate circle, including your school, as you don’t want to rock the boat and cause more trouble for yourself. I think though that we can help you find a way to get the support that you need while doing it in a way that you can feel comfortable and not have to involve those around you so closely. The most important thing though is that you do get support to process all that has happened to you.
It’s very important for you to understand that you were a victim. There is absolutely nothing you could have done that would deserve or warrant abuse. You were an innocent child and you still are an innocent young man. The family member that did this to you is the one who is responsible and he is the one who needs to deal with that. It is not your fault. period. There is no question about that. Unfortunately you were a victim of someone else’s transgression. You are not responsible. However, now that it has happened you would do well to address it within and for yourself in order to work toward healing from it. This is totally possible. You can heal from this traumatic experience and be whole again. It just takes conscious effort on your part to choose to address it and not let it become repressed. And this is where you really need someone to assisst you in this process who has the professional experience of how to guide you in your healing process.
It is a diffciult situation given that you are a minor and therefore in some ways will have difficulty accessing services without your parents. However, that does not mean that you can’t get help and it is not at all a reason not to get help. It is very important that you do, and we are here to help you figure out the best way insha’allah.
Regarding your school social worker; I recommend finding out more about the services available to you at school and what type of training the social workers there have. The general rule within the mental health profession is that client confidentiality is protected. It is different since you are under 18, but there are still protections of confidentiality for you that a good social worker will understand and keep sacred. The mian rule is that they are able to maintain confidentiality as long as you are not in immediate danger of hurting yourself or being hurt by someone else. They cannot ethically just tell your parents whatever you tell them in counseling if it does not involve immediate harm or danger to yourself. Especially if you make it clear to them that if they did find out you may be in more danger and it may not be in your best interest. You would need to make it clear that you are looking just to talk through the past traumatic events and not that it is an ongoing threat.
Having said that however, if you do in fact feel that you are still under immediate threat of abuse by any of your family members, that is something to address more seriously and in that case perhaps it is worth considering doing whatever you need to do in order to be safe. Your safety and protecting your own body is of utmost importance before dealing with the past trauma. Both are imporntat, but immediate threats come first as we want to keep anything more from happening first, and then work on addressing what has already happened.
Please also look at he resources on this website to see what is available to you and keep in touch with us. We are here for you and we want to make sure you get the help you need.
Praying for your safety and for your healing.
Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”
=======================================================================
Note from admin:
Your post indicates that you were sexually abused by someone who you still have contact with. If this person is still a danger to you or is trusted with the care of people under the age of 18, you may consider calling your local Child Protective Services and submitting an anonymous report about what you experienced. This anonymous report would allow the proper authorities to investigate the person, and if needed, take action. It may be hard to decide whether you are ready to make such a report. So use your best judgement to do decide what is in the best interest of your safety, and the safety of other young people like you.
FeelTheHeal
Hi my little brother,
You are so brave, thank you for being so honest and sharing the truth. I know someone very close who went through the same experience…and I have to tell you how his life turned out because it should give you a lot of insight on the fact that this lonely feeling you have right now, is not going to last forever.
A friend of mine was molested as a child by an uncle- he was very disturbed and like you, did not want to share. I respect that. As long as you are in a safer zone now…it is your right. But that friend is married with four kids now, he has the best relationship with his wife because he first found a best friend in her. He opened up to her and from there they both began the journey of healing from the scars left by an awful person only Allah can punish. He is so happy with his four kids- his sons and daughters are madly in love with him. He is the BEST father and BEST husband because he gave to his family, what his family didn’t seem to understand he needed….confidence, time, trust, and help.
I am sorry you were molested. I wish it would have been different. But my little brother, please, I beg you…don’t let it define you. You went through such an awful experience at such a young age…you are only getting older, stronger, and braver. I promise you my brother- hang in there, keep your head up- the sun is on your side, the reward is on your end, and the best of life is still on it’s way over to you.
Don’t give up now, don’t let it overcome you now. If you need to talk, we can have a phone conversation. I hope you can find a way to avoid seeing that beast as regularly as you do.
College is around the corner, you have a big dreams unwrapping in front of you. Be someone, build yourself, earn your degree, find the perfect job that makes you happy and Insha’Allah may you find a wife who will make you forget everything you ever went through with her love.
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaykum Brother,
I’m glad that you reached out because it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I want to reiterate as Fatima Y has already stated that, you’ve done nothing to deserve the abuse. You were a child and the family member was an adult and therefore, is responsible for his inappropriate and unlawful behavior and interactions with you. Unfortunately, the abuse has had lingering effects on you that cause you to feel what you’re feeling. It’s important to get help. I can tell that you have thought long and hard about this issue because you have raised important concerns about how sexual abuse is reported and dealt with when someone who is under the age of 18 discloses such an experience. It can be complicated but that doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t disclose. I would want you to get the help you need and also consider that the person that abused you, may actually be continuing to abuse other children.
In terms of finding help, RAINN is an excellent resource: https://www.rainn.org/
The link will also direct you to finding a counselor in your zip code and online support which might be helpful in responding to your questions and concerns.
Another resource is a book I highly recommend entitled, Why Me? by Lynn Daugherty: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2917860.Lynn_Daugherty
Summary: Adults and adolescents who were sexually abused as children find help and healing in this classic bestseller from a respected Clinical Psychologist. Now in its fourth edition, this warm and personal, beginning guide answers questions about child sexual abuse and abusers, shares stories from other victims, and provides step-by-step guidance to those seeking recovery from childhood trauma.
The feelings don’t go away unless they are dealt with appropriately. There are specialists who know how to do this effectively and can help you to heal. You are not alone and there is help but you have to be willing to reach for it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you consider healing these wounds.
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima W”
Anonymous
Salaam, it pains me to hear that you have been the victim of such a horrible act. I know Allah has brought you to this site because He loves you so much and really wants to help you get all the support to truly turn your stones to bridges, as cliche as it sounds. Your posts really stood out to me so I pulled up the Sexual Abuse tag on this website and read through some of the other comments and Fatima responses. I hope you do the same with the hope that they might be helpful for you. Some that specifically stood out to me were the following:
http://www.stonestobridges.org/2012/03/28/rainn/
http://www.stonestobridges.org/2013/02/05/with-constant-disappointment-i-dont-know-where-to-turn-anymore/
http://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/02/05/we-will-survive-rape-2/
http://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/09/04/the-little-girl-who-survives/
PS Even though some of these are towards sisters, at the end of the day, we are all beautiful children of Allah and all have feelings and emotions so inshaAllah some of the comments will be equally beneficial for you as a young man.
With lots of duas for you to always see His Light to gain strength in breaking through this struggle like a caterpillar on the ground who has to break through his cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly who can fly!! 🙂
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaikum Dear Brother
I am so sorry you are going through so much and I greatly hope you take the advice of the other counselor and seek help as soon as possible. There are many things going on that you will not be able to see through the fog alone. Find a therapist in your area that can understand your culture and religious views and give them the entire story so that they can help you find the best method to a happier life for you. In the meantime here are a few things that you can do to help yourself remain calm during intense times.
1. When your parents are fighting, make sure you are in a safe space. If you or anyone else is in immediate danger call 911. If you are not in danger then turn to Allah. Build a relationship with your Lord. Talk to him, seeks His Love and Guidance. Meditate or just conversate with Allah.
2. Go for a run or walk – exercise is really good for you and your happiness.
3. Go somewhere tranquil where you can collect your thoughts – the musjid, library or park are all great places to be alone and come back to the moment.
I pray this helps you. Please seek some professional help in your area.
Salaams