I’m Dee, 24 yo guy from Malaysia, borned as a Muslim, doing my best everyday to be a better Muslim.
Although being brought up in an Islam environment, with parents that are encouraging to embrace the way of life Islam brings, I have a problem with attractions towards others. No matter how I try to shut it down, I couldn’t help to be attracted to the same gender. It’s frustrating because I’m fully aware that Islam doesn’t promote homosexuality.
I have accepted for quite sometime that this might be a test from Allah s.w.t but I still living with a constant fear of myself losing to syaiton’s temptation in the form of nafs’ as I fully aware if that happens, I have everything to lose.
And matter got worse few months back when I started work at a company, where I’m attracted to one guy and it’s killing me softly. However, he taught me a lot about Islam, practices of Quran and Sunnah. I’ve never told him about my condition, and I probably won’t. However because of knowing him, I’ve been able to control my nafs’ and any sinful desires, I always wonder whether this is Allah’s plan all along, to test me and at the same time help me.
Although the attraction is still there, I have come to peace with it. My concern right now is, I have become clingy to him, I want him to be by my side all the time. My question would be, should I end this friendship as it’s slowly crushing me and honestly, I couldn’t bare it anymore.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Assalaamu Alaikum Dee,
May Allah reward you for working so hard to please Him. May Allah make the path to Jannah easy for you, Ameen. I am happy to hear that you have come to a certain level of acceptance when it comes to your attraction, and are, at the present moment, at peace with it.
I am concerned, however, about your living in constant fear and the potential for losing everything. I cannot imagine what a huge weight that would be on your shoulders and on your heart. I would encourage you to expand your network of support. Seek out others who are supportive of you decisions, goals, and who you are no matter what. Living alone in fear is not a good place for anybody. It is no wonder that your would feel “clingy” when you found a good influence. Any human being, no matter who they are attracted to, will feel clingy to the closest positive force in their life if their heart is void of authentic relationships and unconditional love. Once you expand your support network and find friends and family who can offer you unconditional love, I think you will be in a better place to make the decision about what is right for you, and whether or not to continue a relationship with your friend at work. Above all, make dua’a to our Merciful Creator to give us all the strength to continue please Him, and to forgive our shortcomings when we falter. Ameen!
Your Sister in Islam,