im a 20 year old girl. I have started to have feelings for my cousin but she doesn’t know and neither does my family. I know these feelings of immense attachment are a test from Allah and I have to control them but it’s led to a deteriorating relationship between me and her. When I ask her to come over she tells me that she doesn’t have to come over and spend nights to be my friend. With other people I don’t have such feelings that I need to spend time with them. However without her spending weekends with me I feel incomplete, upset and be in a bad mood. I don’t know how to get out of these feelings, it is definitely not normal, it is not something I feel is in my control and I have no clue how to handle it. I know I can’t tell my cousin or family directly about this because they may never talk to me again. I have made much duaa but im very lost.
What can I do? 🙁
Assalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmathulah wa Barakatuh,
Dearest Sister, if you feel that speaking honestly about your feelings will cause your cousin and your family to disconnect with you then I would look for another support system that will help you process your feelings, understand them, and be supportive of you. Perhaps you can connect with other friends or family members that you can trust. It can be easy to feel lost and incomplete when you are not connected to people who are loving and supportive. What is it about her that draws you to her? Perhaps you can find those same attributes in others that are willing to spend time with you.
If you are alone unless you are with your cousin it will certain intensify your feelings and need for her. Engaging in activities that you are passionate about or investing in a greater cause is a good way to feel more complete as well. I would look into social activities, or other volunteer or service activities that will help you find meaning and connection with others. And of course a deeper spiritual connection with Al Wadud, The Loving, whether by praying tahajjud, or working in His name will also help you feel more complete.
Your Sister in Islam,
Salaam sister ,
You are a brave person to admit to having such feelings and knowing that it’s not allowed in Islam. Many people live their lives in denial. It takes a lot of guts, I commend you for this.
It must be a real struggle for you to interact with your cousin when you’re having such feelings about her. I cannot imagine what you are going through however you are correct to say that this is indeed a test from God. He knows that you are strong and will InshAllah pass this test. The fight with your nafs is what you have to focus on and ask Allah SWT for His help and guidance.
Like another sister said in her comment, keep yourself busy with activities in order to distract yourself. I know it’s difficult to find and make new friends but it is doable. Try something that you have always wanted to do but never got a chance to do before. It could be an art class, a book club…check out your local library to see the kinds of classes they’re offering. Keep yourself busy.
I will praying for you and keep holding onto your faith. May Allah SWT help you..ameen.
Your sister in Islam,
Note from admin: Salaam! You might find the following “Fatima” responses and wonderful peer supportive comments beneficial: