Heart break

I am a 23 year old Pakistani Muslim woman. I live in Saudi Arabia.
My story started when I was in the 9th grade. Our high schools are segregated boys and girls used social media to contact each other. One day I found out that my best friend at the time had made friends with a boy in our class. She was hanging out at my house but most of her attention was directed towards her cell phone which she used to text that boy. I felt like an outsider so I asked her if I can also talk to him. I added him on my social media account and we started talking. Over the next few years I became very attached to him but also very jealous. I was jealous because this boy talked to many girls from my school and other schools. He also talked about my best friend a lot and I started feeling more of an outsider than ever. He also talked a lot about Islam and never about any lewd things. These qualities made me like him even more. Towards the end of high school I told him I loved him and if we can marry in the future. He said no. He said he was indian and I am pakistani and that it will never work. I stopped talking to him after this.

Next year, I entered medical school in Pakistan and he started his university in India. He emailed me out of the blue and we started talking again. The texting and emailing turned into phone calls and then he started asking for video calls. I could not do this and always politely declined. I was not happy with our friendship during this time. Like before, I was very attached to this boy but he would talk about other girls or his problems. He almost never asked me how I am or what’s going on in my life. I got busier and busier in medical school and sometimes I used to tell him that I’m busy and can not entertain him. We stopped talking again for another 9-10 months. One day I was home in Saudi Arabia for my holidays and I get a message on my social media from a girl. She told me she knew who I was and it sounded ominous. My best friend had casually asked me a day before if I had gotten any weird messages so instead of blocking and deleting this girl, I listened to my curiosity and replied. So basically this girl was the indian boy’s girlfriend. He had told her about me (I’m not sure what) but she had gotten jealous and now she texted me to tell me that she is getting married to the indian boy. I felt something in me break when she told this to me. I called my best friend and she told me that she had known about his girlfriend all along but hadn’t told me because it might hurt me. I broke because the image of him that I had (of him being religious) was destroyed. I felt betrayed because he let this girl message me and hurt me. The indian boy talked to me himself after this and told me about them dating. After a few weeks they ended up breaking up but the boy started showing more of an interest towards me. He sent me valentine cards on valentine’s day…called me more often. I couldn’t give him the time he wanted though since I was still in medical school and I was busier than ever. He would get angry if I didnt give him attention and I got sick of his anger so one day, I blocked him. Another 7-8 months passed and he graduated. He had been stalking my personal blog where I had written some poetry about feeling hurt and heartbroken. His email was a reply to my poems saying I was wrong to blame him for feeling heartbroken. My anger at him had evaporated and turned into longing by this time. I replied saying I didn’t mean to hurt him. We started talking yet again. He kept insisting that he wanted to see me without my hijab and (I was stupid and in love) I agreed. He saw my picture and told me he had feelings for me and he wanted to marry me. I wept with joy. I told him that I will tell my mom in a few days when I had my weekend but he stopped me and said he needed more time. Over the span of 5 months we had become closer than ever but he never allowed to tell my mother. He started calling me his girlfriend…something that made me very uncomfortable and disgusted with myself and he did not inform his mother either. He told me had a pakistani girlfriend in highschool and I remembered that he had rejected me because I was pakistani …back in high school and I felt hurt. After graduating, I told my mother about him and how heartbroken I am. She talked to him and asked him if he will send a proposal. That same day his sister texted me and told me her brother isn’t interested. The indian boy (he’s a man now) talked to me one last time and said he felt free after being rid of me. He told me I should

And this is how 9 years of loving someone ended up causing me so much pain. I always only loved this man all my life but he ended up breaking my heart. It’s been 7 months since he left me but I still feel addicted to him. I think of him. I miss him. I also hate myself for loving someone who was too cowardly to commit. It’s been 7 months but I can not stop obsessing over him. It hurts everyday. Everything reminds me of him because I talked to him (on and off) for 9 years and shared most of my important life experiences with him. I thought he was my soul mate. I truly feel a little less alive since he left me.

Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

My heart goes out to you as I read the long, hard journey you’ve taken these past 9 years.

After hearing the way you describe the behaviors of the young man you corresponded with, I worry that were the victim of emotional abuse. Here is an example of a website that explains abuse, healthy relationships and also provides some other resources.  If you would like us to help you find a resource in Saudi Arabia, please feel free to comment on your post or Contact Us at https://www.stonestobridges.org/contact-us/ so we can try and connect you with resources in Saudi or the Middle East.

 This young man was consistently disrespectful of your boundaries and in his words to you. He seems to have a history of talking with more than one person and doing so without the knowledge of people he calls his “girlfriend”. 

I am sorry that this was your experience. 

Often when we stay in a situation that we can feel in our hearts is painful and inappropriate we do it because of something inside us telling us to disregard what our hearts are telling us. Sometimes we have parents that didn’t show us love. Sometimes we feel we don’t deserve better. Sometimes we feel we did something to deserve the treatment we are getting. Sometimes we fear that this is our only chance at love. Sometimes we say to ourselves, but the person is also so nice to me.

However, no matter what, every person should be treated with dignity. We see that time and time again in how the prophets interacted with disbelievers – even those that were actively trying to harm them. There is e en a verse in the Qur’an instructing Musa (as) to bring the message to Pharoah with kindness. If such a man deserves kindness, why wouldn’t you? 

It will take time for you to do the work that you need to do to heal from this experience since it lasted so long and was your first experience with a romantic relationship. I encourage you to do it soon so that you can live your life more fully, and that you can identify qualities of a healthy relationship so you do not find yourself in a similar situation again.

If you would like us to help you find a counselor in Saudi or the Middle East, feel free to Contact Us at https://www.stonestobridges.org/contact-us/.

May Allah (swt) protect you and help you heal fully.

Wa ‘alaykum salaam,

Sincerely

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”