Haram relationship with a non-practicing Christian man
I am in a 3 month long ‘haram’ relationship at the time as my parents do not know about it. He is good to me in many ways and I am struggling mentally to have a conversation about religion with him as we share different faiths. I am starting to feel that him being muslim doesn’t have to be a non-negotiable. I’m afraid of being alone and me returning to risky sexual behaviors I was partaking in prior to meeting him. Though him and I began this way somewhat as well, we are now long distance for the past month and I feel my urges have gone down and I no longer really want to partake in those behaviors other than with him. I am really struggling with how I am sinning vs how this actually feels safe for me for once as he doesn’t/hasn’t yet abused me unlike my past 2 relationships that were similiar… doesn’t/hasn’t yet abused me unlike my past 2 relationships that were similiar..! know the answer will be to leave him and find a muslim man or wait for him but I simply feel like I cannot or don’t want to make that decision again. I’m tired and my parents and myself included, do want to get married. I don’t think they’d approve as far as religion goes with this man, he also does not have a job at the time and does smoke weed/drink/eat pork which are basic things Islam doesn’t allow… anyway, I am struggling here with the shame I feel and guilt of even entering this relationship in the first place in a ‘wrong’ way and now it’s gotten so far to where l’m attached emotionally and can see myself working towards something halal somehow/marrying him..
He is 24 and I am 27 btw.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikumwarahmathullahi wabarakathuhu my dear Sister,
Thank you for opening up and being so honest. What you’re feeling is incredibly valid, you’re human, and you’ve been through pain, so it makes sense that this relationship feels different and safe in some ways, especially after past harm.
At the same time, I can hear your heart struggling between wanting to do what’s right in Islam and not wanting to lose something that brings comfort. That’s not an easy place to be in. But remember, Allah sees your struggle, and He is most Merciful and Understanding. Guilt can be heavy but it can also be a sign that your heart still wants to stay connected to Him.
You’re not a bad person for feeling attached or confused. You’re someone who wants love, safety, and meaning but also wants to stay true to your values. That takes strength.
Ask yourself gently: If nothing changed about him his faith, lifestyle, or views could you still feel peaceful in building a life with him, in front of Allah? You don’t have to have the answer now, but it’s okay to reflect slowly, and trust that Allah will guide you.
You don’t have to choose between healing and faith. Allah wants ease for you, not hardship and His path, even when difficult, always brings more peace in the end than anything we try to hold onto out of fear. You’re not alone. And whatever step you take next, just try to do it with sincerity and trust that Allah will help you through.
It’s okay to feel attached and not want to let go, especially when you’re afraid of returning to old patterns. But it’s also okay to pause and ask yourself: Does this relationship support my growth, my healing, and my connection with my faith long-term? Not in a perfect way but in a way that feels aligned with your values.
You’re not wrong or weak for feeling confused or torn. Whatever choice you make, try to make it from a place of love for yourself not shame. Healing and finding a path that feels right for you takes time. And you deserve something that feels emotionally safe and spiritually safe.
You’re doing better than you think and I believe you’re doing your best in a really hard situation.
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear sister,
This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. You are emotionally invested in this individual, you have history together but at the same time you feel this deep sense of guilt, exhaustion and shame. Take time to reflect on why it is you are feeling these emotions. Is it because you recognize that this individual is not good for you to build a life with, the fact that this union is not permissible in Islam or is it because you want to do the right thing and not continue the relationship? Take time to also think about what it is that makes you attached to this individual. What qualities does he have that draw you in to him? Are these qualities ones that will help you develop into a healthier, happier and more grounded individual?
It also sounds like there is a battle between feeling attached to him and the fear of being alone. That fear of being alone is a dangerous one as many individuals find themselves stuck in a situation; they don’t want to be in because of that fear of letting go. Getting married as you mention is a wonderful thing, but it is important that you marry a man who is willing to grow with you and not remain stuck clinging to empty desires that produce no real benefit, not even in a worldly sense. Something beautiful that I remember hearing about marriage is that as a Muslim woman you are entitled to many benefits from your spouse Islamically and if you chose to be with this man, he doesn’t give you these benefits. Having someone to spend on you, give you your mahr (bridal gift), ensure the safety and protection of you and any children, if that is something you desire.
I see that there is a part of you that wants to move on. If you chose this path, don’t be afraid to let go. Your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health are what matters, they have been drained for quite some time now and it’s never to late to recharge them.
You may feel okay about this relationship now, but what does this look like down the line? In five, ten, however many years, are you going to be okay with it or do you think that those feelings of guilt and shame will still be there alerting you to something?
My dear sister, you deserve to have someone in your life who wants to see the best version of you.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer, NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/03/15/stuck-in-haram-behaviors-and-influences/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/06/12/being-in-love-with-an-agnostic/
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Habiba K
Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
Thank you for your honesty. You have shared something deeply vulnerable, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this kind of emotional, spiritual and relational struggle. What you are feeling is complex, layered, and very human.
You are caught between two powerful truths: the part of you that longs for connection and safety, and the part of you that aches to remain faithful to your deen. Neither of those is wrong. Both needs are rooted in your longing for peace, for love without pain, and for a life that aligns with your values.
And it is natural that your heart feels attached. After surviving harm, we often latch on to what feels safer, even if it is imperfect, even if it does not align with everything we believe. That is not weakness. It is survival. And while the shame and guilt you are experiencing are heavy burdens, they do not negate your valid desire for safety, connection, and a loving relationship. It is commendable that you are not hiding from what is complicated about the relationship. You are not pretending it is perfect. You are naming the red flags, the spiritual dissonance, and the emotional safety it has given you; that takes courage.
You do not need to make a permanent decision today. But having a conversation with your partner about religion is crucial, not just for your parents’ sake, but for your own understanding of whether a future together is truly viable while honoring your faith. You do not necessarily have to demand he convert or change overnight, but understanding his openness, or lack thereof, to learning about Islam, respecting your practices, or even considering changing his lifestyle habits would be a critical step.
I also would recommend speaking with a trusted Imam, female scholar, or knowledgeable Muslim elder. Many understand the complexities of modern relationships and can offer guidance on navigating interfaith relationships and finding a path that strengthens your faith while acknowledging your personal struggles. Some scholars may offer perspectives beyond a simple “leave him” answer, focusing on your spiritual growth and practical challenges.
Equally as important, please continue to prioritize your mental health and healing from past trauma. Your progress in reducing risky behaviors is significant. Focus on building your self-worth and confidence, so that your fear of being alone does not dictate your choices. If you can access any low-cost or free mental health resources, such as online support groups, university clinics, and community centers, they could provide a safe space to process your fears and build coping mechanisms.
Sometimes, Allah brings people into our lives who are meant to wake up parts of us we thought were dead, not because they are the final answer, but because they remind us of what we no longer want to compromise. And know that you are allowed to grieve the emotional safety this relationship offered you, even if you ultimately decide it is not where you are meant to stay. If you are afraid of slipping back into past risky behaviors, that is not just about this man, it is about your healing. A partner can help, but the deeper work is yours. And you are already doing it, just look at how much you have grown.
This is not about choosing between sin and safety, but about finding a way to integrate your faith, your emotional needs, and your desire for a stable, healthy future. The shame you feel is understandable, but it does not define your capacity for repentance, growth, or a blessed life. Take one step at a time, starting with that open conversation. And please know that it is never too late to return to Allah. Not after three months, not after sin, not after confusion. His door is never closed. And you are still worthy of love, healing, and a relationship that honors both your soul and your safety.
May Allah guide your heart gently, heal what feels broken, and lead you toward a love that honors both your faith and your wholeness.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K