Confliction

I’m 23(F) and I’m ashamed to admit this but I think I might have a masturbation addiction. I’m also a hijabi, which makes me feel more guilty. Something just hasn’t been right with my Iman these past few months. I’ve been the worst possible person this ramadan. Even during this blessed month, I masturbated (during my period) and I feel disgusting.
When I was a kid, I experienced sexual abuse. I’d like to think that my sexual problems stem from that, but I can’t use my trauma as an excuse forever, especially because I’ve dealt with that part of my life, I’ve worked through it. I used to think that I was just exploring, learning what I like and what I don’t like, which I think is beneficial to some extent. Especially so for girls that are virgins until marriage, I mean can you imagine having sex without having any knowledge around sex and sexual health in your 20s? Lately though, it’s become a problem, I engage in it way too often, I feel so disgusting afterwards. It’s a repetitive cycle. I even self harmed yesterday after the longest time, as punishment, but I did the same thing again. I ask Allah for forgiveness, repent, and then just do the same thing again. I feel so bad for asking for forgiveness, I don’t deserve it at this point. I know Allah is the most merciful, but I feel so bad to the point where I feel like giving up on myself. My iman has been slipping so much. There’s been times where I’ve been inspired by the people around me (friends, family) but I feel like the odd one out. I feel sinful and unforgivable. I know my triggers, yet even when I get rid of them, they come back eventually. Muslims are not supposed to be perfect, but I think I’m way worse, because I keep making the same mistakes again and again and can’t seem to learn. I want to be close to Allah again. I used to be so much better, so much stronger in my faith, I used to pray and read Quran and feel that closeness. Now, I can’t even recognize myself anymore. Like an imposter amongst everyone. I don’t know how I became like this. This life is one hard test. I miss my Lord, I think I ruined things, I want that connection back. I’m not usually this insecure, my sexuality also felt freeing at some point, but it’s gone too far. I see girls with stronger faith, and I feel ashamed. That’s what I should be like. I’ve always felt like an outsider, but I’m feeling especially so lately. I’m worried that maybe Allah has given up on me too.
In today’s world, it’s hard to be muslim, especially a hijabi. Everyone’s always telling you something different, but you also just want to be your own person, and sometimes you want things that make you feel “bad” for wanting them. It’s all very confusing. I know I’m not making much sense. It’s just that I think I don’t really fit anywhere. I’m not a good muslim sometimes, but sometimes I am. I want to do things that others would say are bad, like having a relationship or getting an eyebrow piercing lol. It’s like I’m not terrible but I’m not a good muslim either. I want to be myself, but sometimes I restrain myself, because I’ll be judged as “bad.” It’s like I’m different depending on who I’m around (family, muslim friends, non muslim friends). I hope that makes sense.

Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.

Thank you for submitting your post to Stones to Bridges! We pray you will find the responses below beneficial. If you find these responses helpful, we’d love for you to share what you appreciated and how you feel it might help you moving forward in the comments section below!

Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:

Assalamualaikum my dear Sister!!

First, please know that you are not disgusting, and you are not beyond Allah’s mercy. The fact that you feel this much guilt and that you keep turning back to Allah shows that your Iman is still alive. Someone whose heart is dead would not feel this pain or miss their connection with Allah the way you do. Allah Himself says in the Qur’an: “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. He is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” (Qur’an 39:53)

No matter how many times someone falls, Allah does not close the door of repentance. You are also carrying pain from childhood abuse. Even if you feel like you’ve worked through it, trauma can still affect how we cope with stress and emotions. This doesn’t make you weak or a bad Muslim. Allah knows your entire story and He is more gentle with His servants than we are with ourselves. Please don’t punish yourself or harm yourself. Allah wants repentance and healing from you, not self-punishment. Also remember that Iman naturally rises and falls. Even the companions experienced moments where their faith felt weaker. What matters is that you keep returning to Allah.

Try to take small steps to reconnect with Him again. You don’t have to become perfect overnight. Even praying sincerely, making dua, or reading a few verses of Qur’an can slowly rebuild that closeness again. The Prophet (SAW) said that the most beloved deeds to Allah are those that are consistent, even if they are small. The fact that you say “I miss my Lord” is actually very powerful. Hearts that are far from Allah don’t miss Him. Your heart is still attached to Him, even if you’re struggling right now. You are a believer who is fighting a difficult battle. Keep making tawbah, keep asking Allah for strength, and please also consider speaking to a therapist or counselor, especially since you mentioned harming yourself. Getting help is not a sign of weak faith. Allah has not given up on you. The door back to Him is always open. I can guide you with some Duas you can read;

1. Asking Allah to purify the heart
The Prophet (SAW) used to make this dua:
“Allahumma aati nafsi taqwaha wa zakkihā anta khayru man zakkāhā, anta waliyyuhā wa mawlāhā.”
Meaning:
“O Allah, grant my soul its righteousness and purify it, for You are the best to purify it. You are its Guardian and Protector.”

2. Asking Allah to keep the heart firm:
The Prophet (SAW) frequently said:
“Yā Muqallibal qulūb, thabbit qalbī ‘alā dīnik.”
Meaning:
“O Turner of the hearts, keep my heart firm upon Your religion.”
This shows that everyone struggles with fluctuations in faith.

There are some practical Islamic steps for controlling your desires includes: lowering triggers; this includes avoiding things that trigger sexual thoughts (certain content, media, environments). Fasting; the Prophet (SAW) advised young people: “Whoever among you is able to marry should marry… and whoever cannot should fast, for it will be a shield for him. ”Fasting helps control desires and discipline the nafs.
Replace the habit; instead of only trying to stop, replace the habit with something else like exercise, dhikr, reading Qur’an, spending time with supportive friends, productive hobbies.

Please do not isolate yourself: Shaytan often attacks people when they feel alone and ashamed. Good companionship helps strengthen Iman.

So my dear sister, the fact that you miss Allah means your heart is still connected to Him. Allah has not abandoned you. Allah is inviting you back. Sometimes the people closest to Allah are not the ones who never fall. They are the ones who keep getting up and returning to Him every time they fall. May Allah make everything easier for you. Aameen!!

Warm regards,

From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:

Salaam my dear sister,

I want you to sit with me for a moment here. Your words, “I miss my Lord, I think I ruined things, I want that connection back” are incredibly powerful. The fact that your heart is longing for Allah shows that you are not unforgiveable. Allah inspired your heart to feel this and to find inspiration in people of faith around you. Don’t feel less than or the odd one out in your gatherings of other believers. Every Muslim has sins and shortcomings and out of Allah’s Mercy towards us, He veils the sin in front of the eyes of others.

Many Muslims also struggle with this addiction, and it can be an extremely difficult path to journey off from. Part of this struggle is also psychological. In your moments where you feel the guilt wash over you and the intense negative self thoughts come to mind, try not to let it consume you. I know this can be harder in practice than theory. However, if you let the negative thoughts consume you it can lead to the point where a person might (naturally) become exhausted from the guilt and decide its not worth it to feel the guilt anymore. Then the path to Allah becomes more distant as the sin start to seem like its “not that bad”. This cognitive dissonance will discourage a stronger bond to develop between you and Allah. Remind yourself that you are human and like every other human on this earth you sin. Sinning and sinning repeatedly does not disqualify you from Allah’s Rahma (Love and Care). Allah created humanity knowing that we would be sinning again and again.

You are trying to get close to Allah, and this striving—no matter how small it might seem—has not gone unnoticed by your Rabb.
Allah chose you and made you one of His believing slaves my sister and this is no small thing. Don’t give up on your path to recovery and have sure faith that you are able to come out on the other side. I have heard of stories of individuals who have been able to overcome this addiction.

Avoiding isolation and finding productive hobbies and activities may help to avoid falling into the same pattern.
I want you to remember sister that you got this insha’Allah. With Allah’s help you can overcome this habit and become a healthier and stronger version of yourself. Never give up on making dua to Allah, especially as we are entering the final ten nights of Ramadan. Allow your heart to speak in these final days and nights of Ramadan and remember that Allah is the One who always listens.

May Allah strengthen you to overpower this addiction, to be a source of light and inspiration for others and raise your ranks to His Jannah Firdous, ameen!

All the Best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL

Note from Admin: If you would like us to help you find a Muslim therapist/counselor in your area, please complete the Contact Us form at the footer of the website.

Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2016/07/02/help-me/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/12/27/my-life-is-in-absolute-shambles/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/04/04/a-system-of-guilt/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/12/27/sinner/