Sexual assault and taking back forgiveness
One of my friend FEMALE 26 was sexually assaulted under drugs the abuser said sorry but not for the evil things were done and even offered to do again showing no remorse..she under eomotions forgave but imesiatly after regret it and still does..she want all the bad things in world happen to abuser as prayer….upon my recommendation she stayed back but she always want to tell abuser what abuser did to her for last text and take back forgiveness.. after research i found its upto victim to do whatver they want to do as a concept in psychology…what should i do when she texts me back..should i tell her to unforgive thats what she wants or not….
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
I’m really sorry your friend went through something so painful. She’s dealing with an incredibly complex emotional trauma, and it’s understandable that her feelings are intense, shifting, and conflicted.
You or your friend might also find it beneficial to contact organizations such as the ones listed below:
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network
(RAINN):
1 (800) 656-HOPE
1 (800) 656-(4673)
https://rainn.org/
RAINN is the Nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1.800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org), and publicizes the hotline’s free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual violence; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual violence, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center:
http://www.nsvrc.org/
http://helpguide.org/
As a friend you can support her in validating her emotions by letting her know that her feelings including regret, anger, hatred, or a desire for justice are valid. Trauma responses can change and there’s no “wrong” way to feel. Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing, especially when the so said abuser is unremorseful. You’re right: in trauma recovery, If she now wants to retract forgiveness, that is her right. What matters most is that she acts in alignment with her current truth and healing not because of pressure from others, not even you.
You can say something like: It’s okay to change your mind. Forgiveness isn’t permanent especially when someone hasn’t taken responsibility. But Safety Comes First!! If she’s considering messaging him, ask her to prioritize her safety. Will contacting him reopen harm or put her at risk? Sometimes expressing the words privately is enough to release the pressure without giving the abuser further power.
Encourage her to consider support from a trauma-informed counselor or sexual assault support service, if she’s not already doing that. They can help her process these emotions safely and with long-term healing in mind. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or even want to take back her forgiveness she’s allowed to change her mind. What happened to your friend was not her fault, and she doesn’t owe anything to the person who hurt. She doesn’t owe that person anything not her silence, not her forgiveness, and definitely not her peace. Her pain is real.
To directly answer your question I can suggest: you don’t need to tell her to unforgive or not forgive. Instead, guide her gently to reflect on what she truly needs for her healing, not for revenge or closure from the abuser. I hope this will work for you to help your friend from your side.
From Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
I am so sorry to read about what happened to your friend. To intentionally take advantage of someone and show no remorse for it is a heinous thing to do. Your friend must be going through many intense emotions as she is suffering from her pain and hurt from the malicious action. She must be especially thankful to have a caring and compassionate friend like you to try to help her through her healing journey.
As her friend, it must pain you to see her in a vulnerable and broken state, and it sounds like she truly trusts your judgement in this situation. The fact that you reached out seeking help in this regard shows that you are taking the situation seriously and want to help your friend in the best way. Your friend has gone through a lot and will likely need much time to begin healing, but as Fatima beautifully stated, you need to allow your friend to decide on what will help her heal best.
You want to help, and it is a beautiful thing, but sometimes the best help we can give someone is by stepping back and allowing them to take a step forward. You can, and should, remain present with her, but she needs to reflect and decide on the best course of action for her healing.
I pray that your friend can take the first steps on her path to healing and find solace from her trauma.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/09/30/why-how/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/02/03/how-to-move-on-from-sexual-assault-experienced-during-childhood/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/sexualabuserape/
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To a courage helper.
As salaamu alaikum beloved sister and special friend. While this is a horrible experience your friend had she is so truly blessed to have been granted someone as thoughtful and supportive as you. What a blessing you are. Not many people would have considered doing research to understand how to approach such an experience, but you did. Not many people feel comfortable sharing such an experience of vulnerability. Yet you have created a loving, safe, supportive relationship with her that allowed her the peace of mind to share with you. I believe, being a witness to someone sharing their story or experience of a harmful act allows them the first steps towards healing. You have done that. You have shown some great compassion, skills and decision making so far, from what you’ve shared and I believe your ability to pray for her, encouraging her to pray for peace of mind and heart and finding the strength to reclaim her personal power will go a long way in her healing. Nonetheless, it must be a challenge for you as well. Knowing someone you care about has been violated and wanting to help them while respecting their decisions is a real gift. Something you are doing and will see the benefits of you in her life. I just want to remind you about your self care. Vicarious trauma is real. “Definition: It’s the psychological impact of helping or caring for people who have experienced trauma, or being exposed to traumatic stories or images. Emotional and psychological impact:
It can lead to a range of symptoms, including anxiety, sadness, and even feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.” I just want you to be aware of your feelings while helping her. Remember to Seek your own support if you feel any of these emotions. Remain patient with her and yourself , especially if you acknowledge you are. Also, while knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you don’t feel like it is. May Allah bless your friend and grant her peace in her heart and mind in her process.to heal. No, she does not have to confront the abuser. But if she feels strongly, encouraging her to not look for the reaponse. It really doesn’t matter what they respond since needing to express themselves was fpr your friends benefit not the abuser. May Allah bless you with inner peace when you need it. May Allah grant you both the best decisions along the way to move through this experience safely and fully over time. May Allah bless thos amazing friendship you 2 have. Stay encouraged. Your sister in strength.
Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
Thank you for caring so much about your friend. What happened to her is heart-wrenching, no one deserves to be violated under any circumstance. I want to commend you for seeking to support her in a way that is empowering.
She still is processing what happened, so, it is natural that her immediate forgiveness is followed by anger and regret. Feeling regret about forgiving someone who showed no remorse is a natural reaction, especially when that forgiveness came under emotional duress. So, you can help by letting her know that her feelings are valid and that forgiveness does not mean the harm is erased or that accountability is no longer needed.
Often victims of sexual assault tend to feel a loss of control. So, her desire to confront her abuser and take back forgiveness may be her way of trying to regain some of that lost power. It is a way to assert herself and make her feelings known. Sometimes, premature forgiveness can feel like it diminishes the significance of the harm done. Retracting it could be her way of validating her experience and acknowledging the severity of the violation. While we are encouraged to forgive the harm done to us, it is not always easy, and it sometimes does take a person time to get to a place of forgiveness.
I would recommend staying away from telling her what to do, but for you to focus on supporting her in making a choice that feels right for her. You can say something like: “This is your decision, and I will support you no matter what you choose.” “It is important that you do what you feel is best for you in this situation.” You also can let her know that it is okay if she regrets forgiving him but also try to gently help her understand that forgiving someone who commits a wrong is not for that person’s sake. Forgiveness is given as an act of worship to Allah, ultimately, it also is more for the victim than the person being forgiven as it does help toward the healing process.
Also, please avoid telling her to stop praying in a certain way, as this could be insensitive to her pain and her way of coping. Instead, offer alternative perspectives and encourage her to consider a broader approach to her prayers. The goal is to help her find a path towards healing and justice, while acknowledging the complexity of her emotions. Encourage her to focus her prayers and energy on her own healing. Also to make du’a for strength and peace, guidance in making decisions on how to move forward, and protection from further harm.
Kindly reiterate to her that she is not alone, and that her feelings are valid and understandable. Let her know what happened to her was unjust, she deserves honor and dignity and has every right to feel angry, betrayed, and heartbroken. Also, help her keep in mind that her pain is not invisible to Allah. He sees every tear and knows every time her heart breaks. Allah is Just, and justice is never erased, even when we feel uncertain.
Confronting the abuser can be a way for her to seek acknowledgment of the harm and make him face the reality of his actions, even if his initial response showed no remorse. However, the concern I have is that sometimes confronting an abuser can re-open wounds, be more traumatizing for the victim or even escalate harm. So gently help her think through the possible consequences of contacting him. This is not about dissuading her or telling her what to do, but about ensuring she is prepared in case he gives a negative response or an insincere apology that does not provide her with the validation she seeks from him. My recommendation is that it may be more helpful to write the message privately, even if she never sends it. This can be a powerful way to express her feelings without immediate interaction and potential negative reactions. What matters most is that her voice is heard, even if only by Allah.
If she has not done so already, please advise her to seek therapy to help her process her trauma in a healthy way. I would recommend a culturally sensitive professional who also may be able to provide her with spiritual support. This does not mean she is weak or defeated, but it is about her own well-being. You also can encourage her to engage in activities that bring her comfort and peace, such as prayer, reading the Qur’an, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in hobbies. She also may consider connecting with a support group as sharing experiences with other survivors can provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation.
And please always remind her that her healing and dignity matter, and no one, not even the one who hurt her, can take away the worth that Allah has placed in her.
May Allah grant her healing, mend the break in her heart, and shower her with tranquility.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K
Safia
I’m so sorry for what your friend had to go through, and for you as well, witnessing such a painful experience is a trauma of its own. Sometimes, we carry the pain of those we love so deeply that it settles into our hearts too. Grief and anger are complex emotions, and forgiveness isn’t always as simple as “let go and move on”. Sometimes we relive the pain, and we have to choose again and again whether we’re ready to forgive and that’s okay.
I truly believe you’re doing a beautiful job by simply being there for your friend, holding space, and offering your presence with sincerity. That in itself is a form of love and mercy. It’s hard when all you want is to take their pain away, but even when you feel helpless, your care and presence mean more than words can express. Sometimes, just staying, just listening, just holding space, that is the healing.
And in moments when things feel too heavy, I make this du’a for both of you:
اللهم اجعل لهما من كل همٍّ فرجًا، ومن كل ضيقٍ مخرجًا، واشرح صدورهما، وطمئن قلوبهما، وارزقهما سكينةً لا تزول، ورزقًا لا ينفد، ورحمةً من عندك تداوي بها كل ألم.
“O Allah, grant them relief from every worry, a way out of every hardship, expand their chests, bring peace to their hearts, and bless them with unshakable tranquility, endless provision, and a mercy from You that heals every pain.”
May Allah grant your friend healing, justice, and strength and may He grant you continued patience and barakah for being a source of light in someone else’s darkness.
With love,
Peer Support Volunteer SN.