Hijab struggles
Assalamu Alaikum!
I am a 20 year old girl who wore the hijab in June last year, so its been about 10 months or so. I have never thought about it much growing up, nor did I grow up in a family that enforced it. I grew up with my mom wearing the hijab, but our dad always taught us that the hijab is just an outer layer, that we need to focus on our inside and then the last thing to think about will be the outside. We always focused on praying, reciting the Quran, connecting science with the Quran and fasting at a very early age. We even grew up hearing different opinions that it’s not mandatory. Growing up there was also this imagine that got tied to hijabis, a form of identity….as someone who is weak, uneducated, not confident etc. So hearing this background, I think you might understand that I didn’t have much thought of it.
Fast forward, we moved to Sweden due to war. I later graduated Highschool, but not with the results that I need to enter to my dream major. In Sweden there is this Exam that one can do and apply to university with. This exam consists of a Swedish, English and Math part. I did everything, but yet every time I do the exam my results are exponentially lower than when I would preform the exam at home. My older sister also did the exam, and it went pretty well for her, where she saw an exponential growth and eventually got into her dream program. We learned together and followed the same study schedule for a while, but it didn’t seem to be working for me when I just went to the exam. At home I would get the score that I needed. I went crazy….I was so stressed the whole time….I was always making Dua, always praying….everything from tahajjud, Qiyam al lejl, you name it. Nothing seemed to be helping me…..I prayed that if this isnt what Allah wanted for me, then please take it away from my heart. Nothing changed. My sister started university, most people were wearing the hijab, eventually after thought, she did too. Many of my friends wore the hijab too, then I thought….maybe that’s the missing piece…I am doing as much as I can in my other aspects, but I still didn’t seem to get gods blessing, maybe if i wore the hijab I will.
I struggled a lot with it…..I have huge identity problems…I thought i looked very bad. I would constantly be in a bad mood when I am out, I didn’t think it was necessary in the West considering I am quite modest in my dress. I then started to struggle a lot with my prayers and my belief whether it is fard or not after being exposed to certain sheikhs. I started lacking a lot in my prayers and in my will to seek knowledge. I still didn’t get better at handling the test situation. Later, it turned out that I had dyslexia, and that I will get extra time on the exam. Yet now I am still struggling a lot with my hijab. I know that my intention was horrible and selfish….Who am I to think that I am entitled to get my Dua’s answered just because I did a Fard, that is for me. I understand that everything we do is for us and that Allah doesn’t need us. I looked at various sheikhs and some state it is not Fard, and that just keeps popping up in your head every now and then. I really need help understanding wether it is fard or not, cause being in this situation is very risky. I really need people to debunk the arguments of those sheikhs.
I now have decided to take it off….to instead focus on my prayers and my Quran, to deepen my connection with Allah and increase my Iman so that I am strong enough to wear it. I would better my prayers and increase my knowledge and uphold the same level of modesty of someone who wears the hijab. My intention was very bad, the reason I put it on was wrong….I feel horrible…about the whole situation. I feel horrible that I wasn’t strong enough for it, I feel horrible that I am taking it off (even when there is doubt about whether its fard or not)….I feel like maybe i am diluting myself to just wanna take it off….I am so scared to die before I put it back on…I am so scared that Allah have cursed me now and won’t bless me in anything in my life…..
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu, dear sister,
First, I want to say: thank you for your honesty. For sharing your thoughts, your struggles, your feelings, and your sincere desire to please Allah. That in itself is a beautiful sign of faith.
You are right to feel confused. Wearing the hijab because you hoped it would bring you closer to Allah or make your life better is not wrong it’s human. What matters is that you tried. You took a huge step that many don’t take, even when it was hard, confusing, and lonely. This is how much Allah loves effort. Even if your reason was mixed or your feelings were weak, He saw your attempt. That’s not a sin. That’s a sign of a struggling heart trying to grow. It means you’re struggling. It means you’re trying to build the foundation, first your prayer, your Iman, your clarity. You want to be strong from the inside out. Remember: You are not cursed, you are not rejected. Allah is not turning away from you. He is still with you. Even right now, as you cry, question, and feel unsure, He is near.
You’re right to focus on your Salah. It is the pillar of faith. Even if you miss some or feel distracted don’t stop. Even if you pray with doubt keep praying. It will open your heart. Ask Allah for guidance, not just forgiveness. Say: “Ya Allah, I’m confused. I’m scared. I want to be close to You. Please guide me to what pleases You, and make it easy for me.” Maybe you’re not wearing the hijab now, but keep the intention alive. Keep it as a goal. Even if you take one small step like dressing more modestly, or covering sometimes it counts.
Your sister’s success is not your failure. Allah wrote her path, and He’s writing yours, custom made for your soul. Don’t measure your worth by exams, results, or timelines. Allah looks at your heart, not your test scores. The fear of not wearing the Hijab. That fear it’s a mercy. It’s not a curse. It’s a sign that your heart still cares. That’s why Allah still gives you that fear. It’s a push to keep going. But don’t let fear crush you, use it as fuel to return, to grow, to build your relationship with Allah slowly. Remember: Many women wore hijab late in life and died beautifully. Some took years to get there, and Allah still honored them. You’re only 20. You’re still on your way. And it’s okay to be in process. You are not weak. You are not selfish. You are not abandoned by Allah. You are a young woman with a heart that is searching for Him.
You are a servant who made a big sacrifice once, and may do it again when you’re ready. You are someone Allah still loves always!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Walaykum assalam my sweet sister,
It sounds like you’re experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. You want to get closer to Allah but are confronted with feelings of confusion, guilt, fear and even a bit of hopelessness. All of these feelings, my sister, make you human and the fact that you are still here and that you have reached out, shows that you are trying to become closer to Allah. You are not alone in your struggles. There are many women out there who are experiencing what you are now. Allah tells us too that He knows who He created (67:14). Allah knows the struggles you are feeling, and He still chose to create you and give you life despite all of the problems you are facing. Your heart still longs to do that which is good and to connect with Him (SWT). This longing, my sweet sister, is not placed in the heart of someone who Allah is displeased with. We all have things in life that we struggle with. Deciding on wearing hijab, especially in the climate we find ourselves in today, is no easy thing. However, this can also mean that Allah wants our reward to be greater as the tougher the challenge the more reward in it, insha’Allah.
I’m praying that Allah relieves the doubt and confusion in your heart.
May Allah continue to bless you with the desire to become close to Him and reward you with the best of this life and the next, ameen!
All the best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer, NL
Note from Admin: Stones to Bridges was founded on the premise of providing mental health support from the perspective of being Faith sensitive, not Faith-based, thus our official responses do not include guidance on Islamic legal rulings. However, the Stones to Bridges community members are happy to share resources or knowledge they have found beneficial in the Comments section of the posts, as those are their personal comments and not the official statements of the organization. For your reference, please see the STB Faith Sensitivity policy below.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wXQtu8Mu7pwE2wEYo3lyHGdLU03wp5y35qaJ86MHCkc/edit?usp=drivesdk
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2020/07/27/wanting-to-live-a-modest-lifestyle/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2020/08/15/starting-to-wear-hijab-for-the-wrong-reasons/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2022/07/13/just-some-struggles-in-life/
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Stay encouraged
As salaamu alaikum beloved sister. I wasn’t sure how to start my reaponse but As I make dua to be given the words to share what I heard was “Our actions are judged by our intentions”
No where did I read where you stated your intentions were other than to serve Allah. When you wore your hijab or not. I never heard you say im not wearing it because I dont care. What i heard was I’m confused I’m not clear, I want to do my best in serving and worshipping Allah and practicing my way of life. So, I think it’s safe to say you are on your journey. Im the youngest in my family of non Muslims. I have one sister and one brother that took shahada but im the only one that dresses the part. No encouragement or guidence. I had to figure it all out. So when it came to covering i began to look at how others covered. I mean styles. There are so many ways to wear the hijab and represent our unique voice. Your unique voice. Maybe that would be something amazing to explore while you are on this journey. What is your style of representing the Muslim in you. I would love see what creations you’d come up with. In all sister it is not to be a burden. Allah said I made this deen easy for you. So, keep waking up by Allah’s grace and do your best to be your best and know Allah will bless you for all the struggles you are making to figure it all out. Stay encouraged beloved and know you are not alone in this struggle.
Anonymous
Salaam my sister!
As I read through your post, I found a lot of similarities between your story and mine. My parents didn’t emphasize wearing hijab, and alhamduillah I was the first person in my family to start wearing it. I always had a deep love for it but it took me awhile to start wearing it. Interestingly, I was around your age when I begun my hijab journey and it’s been a few years now and alhamduillah I am so glad I did. There are barely any Muslims in my area and so it can feel quite intimidating but I love the idea that before people know my name or who I am, they know I’m Muslim.
I totally get too that it can be confusing because it seems like everyone has an opinion on everything these days, but I find that often not everyone is qualified. When it comes to Islamic laws, this is best handled by a scholar and not just some random YouTuber or Tiktoker. This sister I would recommend as she is a female Islamic scholar and so she can also understand from a female’s perspective on the challenges of wearing hijab in our day and age. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6ksshocBpY&ab_channel=DrHaifaaYounis-JannahInstitute
Wishing you all the best in your hijab journey, my sweet sister! It’s never to late to get closer to Allah and He blesses us with the chance to do so with every breath we take. 💕
Anonymous
Salaam my dear sweet sister, Masha Allah may Allah bless you for your sincerity and your intentions in wanting to navigate the best future for yourself and for turning to Him on your journey. May He bless and guide you to what is best for your soul, spirit, mind, and heart.
Subhanallah I also went through a similar struggle myself when I was almost 30 years old, trying to understand whether hijab was required or not required and did so much research in the Quran and listening to various lectures and videos from different Scholars because I also had been raised with a similar viewpoint as your family’s.
Alhamdulillah as I did my research two articles that were the most beneficial for me personally were not the ones that had scholarly videos, but they were both personal reflections, one from a convert/revert and the other from a born Muslim. Coincidentally both of them said if you’re contemplating hijab and still unsure what to do then, turn to Allah and ask him to guide you. Haha I thought wow how did I not think of that. Subhanallah after that, for a month or so off and on, I would pray istakhara and just make dua to Allah that if my wearing hijab is something that pleases you and is beneficial for me in my Deen and Dunya then please open my heart and guide me towards it and grant me peace in it, and if it is something that is more cultural or not necessary then please let me be at peace with not wearing it. After that, a month or so later, I actually wore the hijab when I was traveling overseas in a European country to see how I would feel without the comments of anybody I knew here in the US. I had such interesting experiences, but the most important thing was there was a beauty in the comfort and peace that I felt in my heart when I was wearing it even despite some negative views with which I saw people looking at me, it was so beautiful that the peace inside my heart gave me the strength to feel it’s okay you can view me how you want and I feel at peace with it and I just felt that it was the most empowering thing for me because I found that inner strength when I was connected with Allah in doing what apparently he had opened in my heart at that time.
Since then, in almost 20 years that I’ve been wearing hijab now, I’ve had varying thoughts that “I don’t look as nice” all the way to non-Muslims complimenting me on the way I’m dressed, and family members asking why I started wearing hijab and saying it’s not necessary, to other family and friends saying they were inspired by me knowing I’ve had leadership positions in the corporate world and knowing I go to various companies as a consultant and get various treatment or responses, from discrimination to admiration from my colleagues and other leaders, yet Alhamdulillah I felt so confident and secure wearing the hijab even 20 years ago when it wasn’t so common here in the US, that they actually decided to start wearing hijab themselves eventually.
I’m so grateful to Allah that I was guided to turn to Him and ask Him for His pleasure and what was best for me in my deen and duniya and to grant me peace with that.
That said, one of the most beautiful parts of Islam is that it’s a journey. Keep turning to Him for guidance, peace and strength in all you do.
Also add a side note, and as important, please always know Allah does not judge you by how smart you are or whether you excel in certain worldly tests or not… He just wants you to turn to Him so He can be there for you and love you and guide you to find strength, peace and empowerment in constantly evolving to discover the best version of yourself, and the entire journey, all parts of it, are part of that evolution and contribute to it.
May Allah bless you always my sweet sis! 💖
Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
Your message reflects sincerity, vulnerability, and a heart that is actively seeking a connection with Allah, and that in itself is incredibly valuable. It is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when grappling with questions about faith, identity, and personal struggles. But you are asking the right questions, and you are turning to Allah even when it is hard, and that shows strength.
Certainly, hearing differing opinions about the hijab can cause confusion and doubt. However, given the evidence from the Qur’an and Sunnah, and consensus of the vast majority of scholars, the soundest position is that the hijab is obligatory. It is more than just a symbol of external modesty; it is a demonstration of obedience to Allah, and a means of focusing on internal development.
Your intention to take on the hijab was not horrible, as you stated. Though it may have been mixed; it still was rooted in seeking Allah’s blessing and a way to improve your situation. That is a form of seeking closeness to Him. It is human nature to make decisions with mixed intentions, especially when seeking guidance and blessings from Allah during difficult times. But remember that you turned to Allah in your pain, and that is a beautiful act of faith. So, wearing the hijab in an effort to gain Allah’s favor is not altogether wrong, it was an act of hope, and many people begin acts of worship this way, and over time, their sincerity deepens; that is growth. And if you ever feel regret about anything, remember that the doors of mercy are always open, so, make Istighfar and work to rectify the misstep. Istighfar not only brings about forgiveness, but also spiritual growth, relief from anxiety, and blessings.
Deepening your connection with Allah, through prayer and the Qur’an, is essential and commendable, still, it should not be seen as a prerequisite to fulfilling an obligation. Generally, we strive to fulfill obligations while simultaneously working on our inner spirituality. The act of obedience itself is a form of worship and spiritual strengthening; as such, the recommended course of action is to strive to keep the hijab. You can work on your intentions and spiritual growth while wearing it. Many women struggle with the hijab but find immense blessing and strength from Allah for upholding it. The hijab can be elegant and beautiful, so if you feel you look bad, perhaps explore different styles or fabrics that make you feel more comfortable and confident. It may also be beneficial for you to connect with sisters who wear the hijab and find inspiration from their journeys. If I may add, I also had to navigate personal challenges and took on the hijab late in life. And I did so, as I worked on my inner self. Since then, the hijab has become a powerful source of empowerment and connection to Allah for me, and it provides me with a distinct sense of belonging, protection, unity, sisterhood, and collective support.
The feeling you have of not being strong enough is a common struggle we all face when it comes to the issue of Imaan. Faith is a journey, not a destination. There will be ups and downs, moments of strength and moments of weakness. Strength comes from Allah. And when we commit to an act of obedience, even when it is difficult, Allah grants us the strength we need. The struggle itself is a part of the journey and has immense reward. The fact that you are reflecting, questioning, and striving to understand and to please Allah speaks to a faith that is blossoming, not one that is lacking.
Please always remember that Allah is The Most Forgiving and The Most Merciful. His mercy encompasses everything. He does not curse nor hold blessings back from those struggling and striving, even if they falter. Allah always wants good for you, so, never despair of His Mercy nor harbor the belief that He has abandoned you. You are on the path; you are worthy of Allah’s love and already are growing. Keep making du’a for guidance, clarity and ease. Focus on rebuilding your foundations, clarifying your understanding, and then, with Allah’s help, striving to fulfill His commands.
May Allah grant you strength and peace in your heart. May He guide you to all that is good and make your journey easy in all aspects of your life.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K