Stuck in a limbo

Assalamualaykum sister,

Thank you for sharing so openly. You’re carrying the weight of love, family, faith, cultural expectations, and personal dreams all at once, and it’s understandable to feel torn and lost. Let’s break this down gently and honestly, because what you’re feeling deserves space and clarity. What you have with this man sounds rare, a love that is deep, consistent, and soul-connecting. That’s not easy to find.

You said something crucial: “This is also taboo in my community and it’s a matter of acceptability… I always knew I couldn’t accept [his lack of education] long-term. “If that part of you has always known this doesn’t align with your values or your vision for the future, that awareness needs to be honored. You’re not just loving from the heart but you’re loving with your future in mind, and that’s wishful thinking. You mentioned fearing that staying in this relationship is making it haram. That spiritual discomfort is your fitrah speaking to you, your inner alignment nudging you toward a path of integrity and peace. Whether or not you continue with him, it’s a sign that you care deeply about being right with Allah and right with yourself.

You’re not just trying to find love. You’re trying to find halal love. That matters. You’re 25 not “late,” but in a season where many South Asians feel immense pressure. Losing your job has likely magnified your sense of instability, and that makes holding onto this relationship feel like a lifeline, but is it actually helping you feel grounded? Or is it delaying necessary clarity? Ask yourself gently: “If I truly believed that Allah has something better for me, would I still be holding on this tightly? “You can deeply love someone and still know they’re not right for your future. That doesn’t make your love invalid it means it served a purpose and taught you what you need in marriage. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on love. It means trusting that true love with faith and mutual dreams can still come. If anything, you’re getting clearer on what that looks like. You deserve a partner who aligns with your values and makes your family and future feel like home. Love should feel peaceful, not hidden or constantly uphill.

 Seek closure if needed. Not necessarily with him but within yourself. Write out what this relationship taught you. What did it show you about the kind of love you deserve? About your non-negotiables? Make space for grief. Even the hardest choices don’t make the pain less real. It’s okay to cry, miss him, feel scared. That’s part of healing.
Reconnect with Allah. When you feel lost in love, faith is your compass. Ask for clarity in your “Istikhara”. Trust that what is written for you will not miss you.

 Focus on you. Grieve, but don’t freeze. Use this time to realign with your own goals, career, personal growth, community, deen. Becoming who you want to be will attract who’s meant for you.

From a South Asian woman to another 🙂 You’re not broken. You’re in the in-between, a place many of us know well. You’re trying to balance love, faith, and family while staying true to yourself. That’s not weakness. That’s strength.

And yes, you will love again. Maybe not in the same way, but in a way that is more peaceful, more aligned, more whole. A love where you don’t have to choose between your values and your heart. You’re already doing the hard, beautiful work of becoming the kind of women who chooses herself, her values over emotional comfort. That’s a great thing.

From your sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Assalam alaykum dear sister,

I can feel that you are longing for a happy and loving marriage from reading your post. It is evident that you feel a deep connection with this person you are speaking to but from your dealbreakers it sounds like they matter a lot not just to you but to your family as well. This is not easy as you find yourself torn between this person and the possibility the relationship could hold, but you are also unable to look past the undesirable things. It is important to assess how high you would rank your dealbreakers.

Some things are an absolute must, and others might be highly desirable but not on the same level as your necessities. Perhaps marrying someone of your age or a bit older was a must to you but this could be something that you could overlook in the future. I have known people who wanted to marry someone older than them but when they found someone younger who treated them kindly, they realized it was not as significant. Pursing education is important, especially as men are the ones who provide for their families, and not having a higher level of education could prove to be difficult, although not impossible.

If after assessing all your dealbreakers, you decide that you still want to remain connected to this individual, then it is important that you speak with your family, especially your wali. Since you’ve mentioned that your family is not for it and if you still want to keep this person in your life, you could ask a trusted friend or family member to speak with your wali to help. If nothing works or if you decide to stop communicating with him, remember that it is still possible my sweet sister for you to find someone.

Whoever your person is, Allah has written his name with yours long before you entered this world. It might not be easy to find, but insha’Allah it is still very possible. I too am the same age as you and I know that it is possible to find people at this age, it just might look a little differently. Never give up my sister in thinking that it is impossible because Allah gave Zakariya (AS) a child after years of dua and longing. Allah knows what is best for you and when it is best for you to have it. Keep your heart close to Him, put your trust in Him, and do your best to search for your person and insha’Allah you will find him.

May Allah bless you with the best of this life and the next with a righteous spouse as your companion who will be the coolness of your eyes here and in Jannah Firdous, ameen!

All the Best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer, NL