I need help

Assalaamu Alaikum,

May Allah reward you and your intended, increase your rizk for striving to please Him and live your life in his way. Regarding your concern about her wali, one option is to ask your Imam to be her wali in her father’s place, or to ask a trustworthy Muslim she may know to act as her Wali. Unfortunately the wali needs to be a Muslim male so your mother will not be able to serve that role. She can certainly be a witness.
 
If her parents do not yet know that she is Muslim or that she is in a serious relationship I can understand why that would be scary. I would break down the news to revealing them one at a time (first that she is Muslim then her desire to marry) so her parents have time to digest, discuss, and accept. And of course make dua that Allah opens their heart and accepts her Islam unconditionally. If she fears any type of backlash, having a trusted friend, relative or adult of both parties who can help mediate would be wise.
 
Taking steps in the right direction to making the relationship halaal can include:

1.     You are already thinking about this but letting your families know about your intentions to marry and getting a nikah when everyone is ready. Keeping your future wifes non-muslim parents involved in the process (if they are willing) should still be a priority even if her father cannot be a wali.
2.     As a future husband making sure you have the means and or the support system to provide for your wife and children.
3.     Making sure you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared for the responsibilities of family life. That can include therapy to help processes any trauma, or dysfunctional family dynamics and interactions that you may have internalized subconsciously.
4.     Taking pre-marital courses or pre-marital therapy that will teach communication and conflict resolution skills to ensure a peaceful household
5.     Making sure you are in a good place Islamically and your relationship with Allah is strong so that you have a spiritual anchor and are prepared to lead your family on the path of Islam.
6.     Discussing and negotiating with your future wife how you would handle any unique circumstances that come with having non-muslim inlaws and non-muslim grandparents for your future children.
7.     If a nikah is not possible, since you have been with each other for a long time and will continue getting closer as time passes, to maintain a halaal distance you should avoid conversations that are sexual in nature or exposing your aura to each other.
 
May Allah make this journey easy on you are your future wife. May your families accept each other with open hearts. Ameen.
 
From Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima AH”

Wa Alaikum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
 
May Allah reward you for your sincerity and desire to make this relationship halal. What you and sister Layla are going through is very common among young Muslims who want to do the right thing but are in complicated situations. 
 
   In Islam, being in a “boyfriend-girlfriend” type relationship is not permissible, even if your intention is marriage. The only halal way for a man and woman to be together is “Nikah” (marriage). So her feeling of guilt is natural and praiseworthy it shows her lman. She wants Allah’s pleasure above everything else.
For a Muslim woman, the wali (guardian) is normally her Muslim father or closest Muslim male relative. Since Layla’s parents are non-Muslims, her father cannot act as her wali. In this case:
A qualified Muslim authority (imam, or recognized scholar) can act as her wali.
If she has no Muslim male relatives at all, then the responsibility falls to the imam of her community or a trustworthy Muslim man chosen by the Islamic authority. Your mother cannot be her wali, because the wali must be male and Muslim.
 
Islam encourages honesty with parents, even if they are non-Muslims. So informing them is good to maintain family ties and avoid bigger problems later. She can explain respectfully that as a Muslim, marriage is a requirement for her faith, and she wishes for their support. Even if they disagree, she can still marry Islamically  but she should try to balance respect for them with obedience to Allah.
Both of you renew your intention, cut off unnecessary chatting and treat each other as non-mahram until nikah is done.  Find a wali for her, contact a trusted Imam in her city.
 
You are both very young, so take things with sabr and planning. Marriage is not only about love, but also responsibility, financial stability, and patience. Pray lstikhara regularly, and seek advice from wise, practicing elders. Brother, this way you protect your Deen, your love and your families. Instead of doing Haram you will have the peace of knowing that your bond is blessed by Allah (swt)
 
May Allah make this easy for you, grant you a halal union full of barakah, guide Layla’s parents towards understanding, and protect you both from haram and fitnah. Ameen.

From Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

 

Waalaykum assalam dear brother,

I wanted to acknowledge how admirable it is that you are deciding to make things right by taking steps towards marriage. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you towards what is best for you and Layla. It sounds that the two of you are being confronted with many different challenges. Marriage itself is a big step. It is important to note that one shouldn’t try to jump into it without knowing themselves or their prospective partner. Getting married to make the relationship halal may sound ideal, but it is critical to assess whether or not the relationship is something that will make for a good marriage as the latter requires a different kind of commitment, dedication and effort.

With you and Layla being together for a couple of years now, the two of you have likely become quite attached to one another and so letting go of the relationship may sound easier said than done. However, it is critical to ask yourself what it is that you are looking for/ need in a spouse. What are some of the dealbreakers that you absolutely cannot compromise on? How do you envision living as a husband and wife? There are many more than this to think about, but it is important to give them some thought. In your circumstance, are there any challenges or roadblocks in your relationship with Layla that you may find too difficult to overcome?

As Muslims we do two things, we trust in Allah and we tie our camel. Tying our camel is where we do the work (asking, investigating, researching…etc.) and trusting in Allah is where we submit our will to Him knowing that He is The One Who knows what the best outcome for us is. Ask Allah to help you in this and know that He hears your duas.

May Allah make it easy for you and Layla and guide you both to a path that is pleasing to Him, ameen.

All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer, NL