Advice for a dear sibling

Hello, I’m a 16-year-old female. I grew up in an unsupportive, middle-class, strict, emotionally unavailable, large, and dysfunctional family. I actually came here to ask for advice for a very dear family member who is close to my heart, but before that, I’ll explain my experience and concerns. For most of my early years, my siblings (except my baby brother and me) were raised back in Somalia by our mother. Our father had gone to the States in search of a job and some income. A few months before he left, my mother gave birth to me. Unfortunately, just after one year, we had to move to Ethiopia, where we spent 5 years of my life. I was a very curious kid and would always ask questions about everything. My mother always told me how emotionally and verbally intelligent I was, even from a young age. Moving on, my life in Ethiopia wasn’t bad, but I’ve longed for a father figure. Regardless, I can’t overlook the abuse that was happening in these Quran schools (mostly by the teachers there), especially the one I attended. They used to hit us with a wooden stick for talking among ourselves or even making a slight narration mistake. I was mainly targeted because I used to talk to the girls, and the teacher would hear us laughing among ourselves, which was unacceptable. I was told I was disruptive and needed discipline, and then a new teacher was hired for us especially. We thought we got a better, nicer teacher, but to our surprise, he was more violent/strict; he preferred using a whip, would hit us a lot (sometimes out of nowhere), and my hands used to hurt so bad. They (there were two main teachers) even dared to switch the name my mother gave me, Ummul-khair (not my legal name), meaning mother of good, into Ummul-shar, as in mother of evil. I used to cry and cry about it, but my mother insisted on us attending cause she really wanted us to learn the Quran, until it was finally time for us to move to the States and live with our father. When I got to Texas, where I currently live, everything changed. I could finally see my father who I’ve longed for. In my first years, he was nice, respectful, and loving. I used to like playing with Barbie dolls, and he would buy them for me. I thought I was the happiest child in the world, and I officially became a daddy’s girl. However, everything went downhill in the following years. I had made a friend in school who lived in the building right next door, and I would visit her so we could play together, but my parents didn’t like that, so we stuck to playing outside. Still, they wouldn’t approve, and my father began to hit me as a form of “discipline.” It wasn’t all that bad. He didn’t hit me hard, but as the years went by, his temperament became more and more aggressive to the point you couldn’t reason with him on any topic. He would lash out sometimes. A year later, I was 8 years old when my mother had my baby brother. I was so happy to finally stop being the youngest in the family. It was a peaceful time, and I was starting 2nd grade. Fast forward to 5th grade, I hit puberty. I got my period, which I didn’t know what that was cause no one ever talked to me about it. My friend, whom my parents didn’t like for whatever reason, helped me out by telling me what to do cause she had gotten hers last year. My mother, whom I love, never really talked to me about such things, which I can understand cause she at least told my sisters to help me out ( they were a terrible help). Anyways, middle school year came. I had to survive every day while I was getting bullied because of a childhood mistake that followed me in the form of two sisters. My parents didn’t know anything, and I wanted to make them proud; plus, I didn’t know what bullying was. Anyways, while I had to go through a lot of things I wouldn’t wish upon anybody, I remained silent all throughout just to make my parents less worried and proud of me. But reality was harsh; my father understood me less and less over the years. He stuck to his discipline (mainly hitting me with his belt). One day the bullying got so bad I decided to skip a field day, but instead of trying to understand, he would hit me with a belt, then force me to go to school (at least now belts don’t hurt anymore). One day my mom brought a Nintendo Switch for my baby brother and me. We were overjoyed and played on it a lot. Till, my father was very angry with me one day cause I was too busy playing with it and not listening to him. He took the Nintendo Switch and threw it across the kitchen floor. Then proceeded to smash it with a hammer. From that day on, I stopped talking to my father openly; I kept my mouth shut more and barely expressed my emotions or concerns. From there, things kept taking a turn for the worse. One time, for disobeying him, he held a knife to my neck, which I thought he was being playful about cause I was in the kitchen cooking, and he came in and started a whole argument. Another memory I can’t forget is when my father said something about how I’m his child, and he could kill me if he wanted to. Not to mention, later on, around 14 or 15 years old, he told me about this Somali father who murdered his own kids by burning them all because they left Islam and he was ashamed of them. From that story, my father emphasized how he’d do the same (end us if we ever left Islam) and was very agreeable to the man’s actions. Not to mention, he’s always forceful when it comes to what he wants for us. For example, he taught me prayer by force and beating (which led me to struggle with my relationship with prayer and Allah SWT). He suggested that two of my sisters and I take Quran lessons through WhatsApp voice call with a maclin-teacher. I was excited, till the expectations and his nagging about how slow I was or how I couldn’t memorize a simple verse came. I already had trauma due to my experience in Ethiopia, and his senselessness didn’t help me at all. Also, on a certain Eid, he wanted to take us to Ally Cats, some kinda arcade and outdoor fun place. I decided to wear baggy jeans and an oversized blouse for the outing. Once he saw my outfit, he proceeded to say things like “go change,” “I’m not taking you anywhere with me,” “you’re shameless,” and so on, which broke my heart for the thousandth time cause I had my private areas covered and was being modest (I even wore a super long hijab that concealed my hair and down). Despite all that, every single time my mother would be considerate and ask for my patience and understanding by simply stating that he’s your father, you need to be respectful to him and try to build a connection (all while we kept moving to different districts. My entire life we moved and moved and moved). She even insisted that I change just to appease him. I’ve listened and listened for so many years. But I’ve had enough. Especially after I got depressed and had suicidal thoughts almost every day. Once I even attempted suicide and called the suicide hotline. And their response: “Her classes are too hard; she’s just under a lot of pressure.” Then made me drop all my AP classes, which I didn’t mind, but that wasn’t the main reason. Anyways, I’ve long come to terms with my reality; I no longer wish for a happy family or understanding from my parents. I’m making plans to graduate early this year, Inshallah, then get a job. Hopefully it all works out, so that I can leave in a year or two (I currently live with my parents). Now here’s my question: how can I help my emotionally and physically vulnerable baby brother? He’s only 9 years old, and he’s a sweetheart with flaws. Lately, I’ve been seeing so much anger, temperament, and violence from him. Every morning I wake up to his voice shouting, yelling, and arguing with my father and mother (during the day, he screams a lot too when someone talks to him or he’s in an unfavorable position; he hits them first). I’m really worried about his state of mind, especially after my father started disciplining him, even though he’s acting up cause my parents had spoiled him early on and he got addicted to phones, TV, and recently was bought a tablet, which will only worsen his addiction (cause when he wakes up, he starts watching TV instead of prioritizing his breakfast). I was also given responsibility for him on weekends and school days (since 7th grade). Say when he doesn’t feed himself, and I wake up late. I ask him if he eats, and most times he dodges or says no. While all my siblings are home awake, not thinking of feeding him at all despite knowing his habit. Honestly, I feel like I’m living with emotionally dead people, basically zombies in the flesh. Anyways, leaving him behind in this family sounds really awful. (I have 7 siblings total). I love my parents and siblings, but I don’t like my father, and I will never justify his or their actions in this lifetime. My siblings keep saying and acting like everything’s normal, all while looking at me as if I’m the strange one or it’s just out of their hands. I’m scared that under these circumstances, my baby brother will be affected mentally and physically (if not already). Plus, all the anger in him can really eat him alive in later years, but therapy isn’t an option in this family cause when I had a panic attack a couple of months ago. My primary care doctor prescribed me antidepressants and made me a therapy appointment, but my parents cancelled cause they firmly don’t believe in therapy (mainly my father dodged it by saying therapy is for crazy people and that he doesn’t want the government involved/monitoring me like a crazy person). I’m one person, and there’s only so much I can do, but if you have any tips on how I could help manage his addiction to electronics and his anger issues, that would be very helpful (it would at least allow me to leave him with some tools- a safety net he can use to protect and sustain himself). Thanks for hearing me out, regardless of whether you can give me legit advice or not. Lastly, I trust you won’t use my experience and genuine concern for Clot and that you will keep everything I said private meaning no authorities or specialists involved. Thank you again for hearing me out.

Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). If you are outside of the United States, please see the following links for information on resources available to you in your region. https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/https://www.iasp.info/crisis-centres-helplines/

Any information on this website is not a substitute for and does not replace the advice from mental health or medical professionals. If you are struggling, please seek out professional mental health services in your area.” Click here to read our full Disclaimer.

Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:

Note from Admin: If you would like us to help you find a Muslim therapist/counselor in your area, please complete the Contact Us form at the footer of the website.

Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). Any information on this website is not a substitute for and does not replace the advice from mental health or medical professionals. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.

Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful:https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/06/03/urgent-deep-emotional-numbness-spiritual-distress-and-isolation/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/04/22/family-life-and-dynamics/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2020/07/22/scared/