When I Lost My Trust In Men

A few years ago, my friends and I were playing this questions game. Someone asked a question about if we had ever been molested. Every.single.hand.went.up. Did you know that most girls know their attacker? That they supress it because they’re confused and can’t talk to anyone?

That was me. For months, I used to have my cousin’s son try sneaking pictures of me changing. Not that bad, right? Well imagine if you’re 16 and you’re in your bathroom taking a shower or using the bathroom, and you hear noises and see a cell phone messing about in the crack between the door and the floor of the bathroom. You freeze and call out the first time, asking if anyone is there. It quickly goes away. But then it happens. again. and again. to the point where you’re just putting towels at the bottom of your door just because you don’t understand. Because you can’t believe that someone you love, the same person you used to help feed and grow up with, could violate you in such a way.

I couldn’t do it after months. I gave my cousin’s son benefit of the doubt for so long. But after the umpteeth time of seeing someone watching me through the cracks of even my bedroom door as I was sleeping, I finally told one of my cousins. We were a joint family. All my cousins were siblings and I was the cousin who was living with them. I told my girl cousin, someone I thought would understand me. The first thing she did was accuse me, and ask me why he would do that, and if I was sure. I came to her crying, my eyes red, seeking help from an adult. And instead I got this backlash. It hurt, but I begged her to talk to Bob*’s dad (Bob will now be the name of the guy). She said she would.

But she didn’t. It happened again. I ran to her asking her if she had talked to my cousin. She hadn’t. She didn’t believe me. She had been my role model too, so not only had I lost my relationship with someone I saw as my nephew, but I had lost the relationship I had with my big sister. But she once again promised me she would speak to my cousin.

He then did the phone thing again. I then finally confronted him while he played basketball. I screamed in his face, told me to give me his phone, and I broke that damn camera. I took a camera and I broke it. I told my cousin, she said she woudl tell his father.

But she didn’t. For the past few weeks, I had been shoving my couch in front of my bed ever since I heard noise in front of my door. Once, I heard someone trying to open the door. That’s when the sleepless nights started. I would keep the lights open to soothe myself that I could see. My school started to get affected, my relationship with my family became affected, and my friends started asking questions. I was being traumatized.

My aunt and uncle came for the weekend and I gave up my room. I stayed in the game room. The first night, Bob passed by and asked what time I’d be sleeping. I said ‘Late’. He left. The following morning, I felt being felt up in my sleep. I woke up to his hands inside my blanket. His excuse? “I was finding the remote.”

the second night, it happened again. I was scared to go to bed. Sleep finally came to me. And I woke up to him molesting me. [***Text omitted by Admin***]. Instinct told me to kick. And kick I did. I was in shock as to what happened, so I mumbled what time was it. He, sighing with relief, mumbled the time back. I asked what he was doing and he couldn’t respond. He left.

I then sat there crying my eyes out. His father had been gone for a business trip, so I called him. I told him that he wouldn’t probably believe what I had to say, but I couldn’t live like this anymore. I told him I’d email him everything, that I couldn’t bear to tell him over the phone. I then sent an email to my cousin, Bob’s father. I got an instant reply. He told me he was so sorry, and to stay in the room with my aunt and kick my uncle out until he got home. He said he’d be back in a few days to take care of it.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pretend like everything was okay, because it wasn’t. My friends instinctively knew something was wrong, and one of the best decisions in my life was to tell them what happened. Someone needed to know. I needed support. The minute I told my friends, things started rolling. My friends said things I didn’t want to hear, but needed to: I needed to get out of that house. So my friends sat there, and I called my mother. My mother and entire family lived in a different state. She listened, and my friend then spoke to her. I don’t know what they said, but next thing I knew, my friends had a plan.

Plan? To run away from home. Yeah, it was something crazy. But so was the situation. It had to stop, and extreme measures had to be taken. I ran home, attempted to pack my life in a suitcase just in case I never came back, and left the house in a friend’s car, leaving my whole life behind. I told my cousins I was going back to visit my mom, but I was just staying at a house 5 minutes away, still going to school, still taking exams.

I let Bob’s father know that I couldn’t take it and I had left. He picked me up when he finally came back from his business trip and told me he was going to get his son therapy, that we’d get a lock on my door, that he was going to fix this.

My aunt got involved and my nephew got help.

It hurts so much to be violated like that by someone you love, someone who you would have taken a bullet for. But I don’t regret anything that’s happened. Yeah, it’s been over 3 years and I still can’t have anyone touch me while I sleep or I fall out of bed, but it’s made me who I am.

Initially, I used to judge each guy on how messed up they were. I couldn’t imagine there was an actual good guy or good people for that matter. But there are. Oh, there are. I knew I was a good person, there had to be others.

I also learned life long lessons:
1. to always love yourself
2. to take care of yourself
3. to trust people

there were signs. There were things I coud have done, but I wasn’t experienced. I didn’t know what to do, but I now know that’s okay. I now have a more objective approach in meeting people, specially guys. One day I’m going to find Mr. Right, he’ll most likely have to deal with this baggage, but I’m strong. Because there is nothing in this world that we can’t handle. And who knows? There’s probably someone whose situation is worse out there than mine. Time to put life in perspective. At least I’m not pregnant with my cousin’s son after he raped me.

There is ALWAYS a way to look at things positively, no matter what the circumstance. Take the lesson from each hardship and road bump in life and MOVE on toward excellence.

*Bob: name changed to hide my family member’s name. Bob is the one who molested me.