Marriage Issue
Dear Fatima,
When thinking of marriage there are certain qualities to consider in your spouse. Of them include their education, if they can support you financially, how strong their faith and religion is, and their personality. But another major thing people do consider is their looks, whether they find them attractive or not. What if they met all the standards, but not the physical ones, is it wrong to refuse their proposal on that basis? I know it may seem shallow and all, but you’re going to live with the person for the rest of your life. But it’s not like your going to pick someone just by their looks, the other important standards also stand firmly. This hasn’t happened to me. I’m asking in a hypothetical sense.
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Salaam,You kind of hit it right on the nail. You aren’t going to marry someone solely for their looks but, you are going to look at all their qualities and see if you guys are a good match. But with that being said, it’s okay to look for physical attraction in a potential spouse without feeling shallow. Attraction is a big part of the whole equation.First, let’s look at it from a kind of silly cave man point of view: survival of the fittest. A man or woman wants to procreate, instinctively they would look for the healthiest/ most attractive species to do that with so they can have strong children and pass on their genes for generations. So perhaps it goes further than living with that person with the rest of your life, attraction maybe about creating healthy children and grandchildren.On a less abstractive note, let’s remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you find the right person, you will find him attractive because Allah has made you for each other. Also at times initial attraction may not be there, but once you get to know someone they may become more and more attractive to you because of maybe their kind heart or charming personality, etc. I wouldn’t discount anyone based solely on looks but keep in mind that sometimes if it is not there, it is just not there and you can’t will it to be there. I’m sure you, Insha’Allah you find will someone whom you are very attracted to and have beautiful babies one day. 🙂-Fatima NI——————————————————————————————————————————-Dear Marriage Issue,
Perception of physical beauty and being attracted to someone intellectually or for other reasons are not independent of each other. One part of a person affects how you perceive another part. For example, if someone looks beautiful but is unkind, dishonest, and egotistical, their physical traits don’t seem so attractive anymore once you get to know them. Or if they have an exceptional character, but not so handsome or pretty on the outside, their physical characteristics do not seem so prominent.
Ever walk into a beautiful room and it takes your breath away? But then after you’ve seen it so many times it doesn’t captivate you the same way? You may no longer even notice the details that once caught your attention. This is our adaptive capability at work. If we continuously attended to all information we take in all the time, our senses would be on overload and we wouldn’t be able to keep up. We also adapt to physical beauty this way. However, the human mind has an endless store of new and creative activity that will stimulate you indefinitely, provided you have a healthy connection. So the thrill of the relationship never gets old as long as you put the weight of it in the right place, more on the mind than on the body. The mind gets richer over time, whereas the body deteriorates.
The hadith states that we marry for 4 reasons…beauty, wealth, family, or deen. And the latter is most desirable because it offers us the most successful outcome. If too much weight is given to the aspect of physical beauty, our overall opinion and hence our decisions are going to be unbalanced. And as time goes on and that beauty inevitably declines, it is imperative that we have perspective, otherwise conflict will ensue and we might unintentionally undermine the self-concept of the other by focusing on the superficial. Still, if you are not sure that you can embrace all of the person and accept them fully, then allow yourself to keep searching for what you are seeking.
You might benefit from exploring this issue within yourself by journaling or talking it out with a counselor or someone who has been married for a few years and gained some insight/wisdom into marriage. Ask yourself what physical beauty means to you and what having an attractive spouse says to you about you. Oftentimes we are distracted by expectations of our social circle and how they will perceive us if we marry a person that is not considered attractive by those around us. In fact, we may not even notice that we are attracted to them in certain ways if we are distracted by others’ opinions.
– Fatima SY
Anonymous
In the question it is asked if it is “wrong” to refuse a person on the basis of looks. I think that is very subjective and it really depends on the person to know what “wrong” is or is not. I think the question that the person should be asking is whether or not they will regret ending a relationship on the basis of any single character trait. For example, someone can be very good looking, religious, and kind but they might be as boring as dirt. Or someone may be good looking, religious, funny, but can have sudden temper flareups. Is it wrong to decline someone based on a boring personality or occasional temper flareups? Well it technically IS possible to live happily enough with someone with those traits, but the question becomes what is most important to you/what can you handle? Will you regret marrying the boring guy/girl when a few years later you meet someone not as good looking and maybe not as nice but who you can speak with for hours on end? For some people, making that sacrifice is fine – and I think thats what someone needs to find out. How much “imperfection” are you willing to tolerate? What are the imperfections that really bother you? There is no right or wrong – because someone will always have someting that falls under the wrong category.
I think the best way to figure this out is by looking at your relationship with your friends and family. Is there anything someone does that really annoys the hell out of you? Or something that makes your heart melt for your friend and love him/her that much more? Do you tend to stay away from ugly people when you choose a friend and think less of them? I think in listening to your thoughts and from an outside perspective look at your relationships you can find out what makes you happy and iA find someone who will! 🙂
hshami
I agree with the comments above, iff there’s zero attraction, it’s hard to make yourself feel something you don’t. But even of there’s a little bit of attraction, I think that’s basis enough for other feelings to stem from it, in which case it would be wrong to refuse them just because they don’t meet your standards 100%. That being said, a lot of people expect Prince Charming, which is unrealistic and wrong to reject someone based on this idealistic image of what a guy should be like. I think for the most part, many people have to deem certain qualities over others, meaning you might not be 100% satisfied in all the standards you have for what a marriage partner should be like. For instance, you might find someone with okay looks but good in all the other areas or someone with exceptional looks but okay in the other areas and it’s up to you to decide what’s #1 on your list, which characteristics overlook the others in terms of priorities and choose to accept/decline a proposal accordingly.
acharan
There’s an absolutely amazing lecture series on Seeker’s Guidance regarding marriage which you might be interested in…to be honest, I found a couple of them kind of slow, but Lesson 8: Prophetic Model for a Successful Marriage was really the best lecture on marriage I have ever heard…
http://seekersguidance.org/courses/GEN180
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaikum,
Your concern is absolutely valid. All too often people chose their spouse based on looks and looks alone, and often times this leads to a very unhappy marriage, sometimes resulting in divorce. Yet, physical attraction is a huge factor. There has to be some sort of physical attraction, along with the rest of the things you are concerned about. It is definitely ok to say NO to someone based on looks even if they meet all your requirements on paper. Its not shallow, its realistic. It is of human nature to want someone appealing to our eyes when choosing someone we will be spending our lives with. A hadith that comes to mind: Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet (PBUH) said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim) – Of course this applies to women as well. You’re on the right!
– Fatima SD
Anonymous
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Yes, there are many things that we consider when evaluating potential spouses, and when you put it all together we use our heads and our hearts to imagine the type of life we think we will live with the person in front of us. In order to imagine that life accurately, we have to take everything into consideration – their commitment to Allah, their personality, their drive, their heart, their family relationship, and their career. We also have to take into account our attraction to the person, but attraction is a funny thing. It can come from just the physical, or it can come from a combination of the physical made more beautiful by the person’s character, heart, and love for others. It’s the latter that tends to endure the test of time.
So my personal recommendation is if you are presented with someone who you don’t think is physically your “type” try looking at them again after you’ve gotten some more information about who they are and seen them a few times. On the flip side, there could be someone that you are very physically attracted to, and you might get caught up in the moment and miss some really important areas where you clash. It’s those times that you want to ask the advice of people who know you best and who you trust. In both situations, always try to stay grounded in what’s best for your long term future.
– Fatima FM