Out of Control

Dear Fatima,

I just found out that a cousin of mine who is 16 years old and lives overseas (in South Asia) has been going a little out of control, and I honestly don’t think she’s just going through a ‘teenage rebellion.’

Not only is she failing classes (as she has been doing for years), but she talks to strangers online–mainly guys–through friends of friends, etc. and then sneaks out of the house, meets up with them, starts dating them and so forth. At one point in time (and I’m not sure if this has happened more than once), one of these guys broke up with her and she cut herself on the wrist.

Personally, I’ve never found her parents to be the best of disciplinarians. The most they’ve done in this situation is take away her phone and computer and attempt to keep an eye on her. My grandmother yells at her, her siblings yell at her. Several of my female cousins have tried talking to her about it calmly, saying that she shouldn’t be worrying about boyfriends and hanging out with people all the time, that it’s dangerous to go out and meet strangers (especially in a location where she shouldn’t be out by herself anyway) and that she should try focusing on her studies.

I’m worried. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in three to four years, so I already feel badly that I haven’t attempted to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. I will be seeing her this winter however. Even though I’ve never been close to her, I am an older sister to her, and I feel like I should try talking to her too. Any suggestions?

Sidenote: With cutting and the psychological issues associated with it – well, people going for therapy or to see a psychiatrist, etc. is considered taboo in the area my family is from, as it is in many Muslim countries.

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

You are definitely in a tough position because it seems like you are not only in a different country than your cousin, but that you have been out of touch with her for several years.  It’s really hard to offer someone advice and/or help if you don’t already have a strong relationship with them.

From what you are describing she is experiencing a collection of symptoms that point to the fact that she likely depressed and maybe has experienced a difficult situation in her life that has left her trying to figure things out in her life.  It is highly unlikely that she will be able to deal with the things that you describe on her own.

I know that counseling is taboo in many Muslim countries.  So there are a few options – and the one that they are most likely to consider is online counseling, though it will be hard to find someone who understands her context.  Another reality is that her parents are going to have to face is whether they would like to continue seeing their daughter suffer, and potentially get worse, instead of receiving the community disdain for taking her to counseling.  Yet, you may not be the best person to carry that message to her parents.  Are there other family members who are aware of the situation who might be able to influence them to consider the option of counseling?  I’m sure the counselors there are familiar with the added need to keep things very private.  Another option would be for them to send her to relatives in another country for a time in order for her to get treatment.

If she is willing to post on this website we could provide a bit more insight into a direction to go, but it’s really tough to say given the limited information.

As for your role, I think that you can reach out to her, and develop a relationship with her.  If she’s willing to trust you with what is bothering her then you might be able to give her guidance about how to work some of the challenges out.  I hope you don’t think that you will be able to single-handedly help her heal completely, but since she feels comfortable confiding in people online, maybe that relationship will allow you to at least get some insight into what’s going on and be a supportive force in her life.

I hope that gives you a place to start.

 –       Fatima FM