Should I get married even though I don’t want to?
Hi I’m 20 years old and my parents are trying to force me to marry my cousin who’s 31 years old. According to my parents he prays 5 times a day and he’s just overall a good person but I just do not want to marry right now especially him. I grew up abroad and me and him can’t even have a proper communication I don’t enjoy talking to him everytime we talk it makes me so upset . I tried to open my mind to him but everything about him upsets me. Whenever we converse or I think about us marrying I feel physically sick. I just find it strange to marry my cousin n the fact that he agreed to it when he was 20( I was 9) he was completely on board on marrying n has been waiting for me to turn 18 and that doesn’t sit well with me either. When I tried telling him I don’t want to marry him because he’s my cousin and I’m not ready and he’s so much older than me he told me everyone does it so what and I’m hutting him because he’s been waiting so long and told me “yeah u think ur so exceptional?”.My parents have been telling me I’m a bad daughter n Allah will punish and won’t give me a good future because I’m causing them so much pain and I’m making such a big mistake . I’m so miserable I don’t know what to do. Should I just get married? Am I in that wrong?
Response from a “Fatima counselor”:
Salaam dear sister,
This is such a difficult situation. I can only imagine how much stress and specifically feelings such as doubt and fear may cross one’s mind. What a test. It is excruciating trying to navigate an expectation that has existed for so much of your lifetime.
While your cousin may be an honorable and good man, it appears you have significant concerns about securing a future with him.
Dear sister, while family and all parties involved mean and wish well for you, it may not be the entire piece of your life story. Islamically, you cannot be forced into a decision as large as marriage that you are uncomfortable making.
My dear sister, you are young and have your life ahead of you. Sometimes when we are especially terrified of disappointing the loved ones around us, we make decisions that may alter the course of our futures. Any relationship, whether marriage or not, should not come at the cost of compromising the essence of who you are. Allah swt created us for the purpose of becoming our best and strongest selves to serve Him in whatever capacity we can. It may be difficult to fulfill one’s true potential if one does not fully see a prospect as a true life partner. This entails someone who will be there through the highs and lows and grow with you Islamically through this dunya journey.
As a sister in Islam, we are taught to respect ourselves in all forms. This includes being respected for our decisions as long as they are not against deen. You have a right to make a decision, whatever that decision may be, dear sister. it deserves thoughtful consideration and realizing that you are deserving of all good that Allah has written for you. Life is much longer than this speck in time, it is a chapter of your life, not the whole story.
My dear sister, a combination of isthikhaara and seeking counsel in trusted people, and if possible, someone trained in mental health, may be helpful.
Wishing you all the best in what comes ahead.
With dua,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FA”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Assalam Alaykum sister!
I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation. It can be super challenging when you want one thing, and your parents want something else. First thing, you are not in the wrong. Allah is not going to punish you for making a choice to not marry a certain individual. You cannot be forced to marry someone, otherwise the marriage is invalid. There are hadiths that speak about how a woman needs to give her permission before being wed off. Both parties need to consent and at the end of the day you would be the one living with him not your family. Have you tried speaking with your mom and dad? It may feel hard to do so but it is crucial that you do, that way they are able to know how you are feeling. Especially speak with your wali and address your concerns. Marriage can be a beautiful blessing in life, but it won’t feel as such if neither or if one of you are not happy in it, especially in the beginning stages. I would suggest that you find a good time/place to speak with your wali/whoever you are most comfortable with in kind and understanding way. Our parents grew up in a different time and this is what they know, it won’t be easy for them to hear that their daughter doesn’t want to get married in the same way. I pray that Allah makes it easy for you to speak with you family, ameen.
