I need Du’a from my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters

Dear Fatima,

Salam Alaykum, I massively need Du’a from my fellow brothers and sisters. I’ve been trying to abstain from porn for almost a year now but I always find myself falling back. I pray my five daily prayers and I always seek Allah’s help. The longest streak I was able to achieve was 21 days and from then I’ve been finding it hard to reach 2 weeks. I’m a 21-year-old male. I feel like I’m being hypocritical because the person I am when I go out to meet other people is a totally different person from who I am when I’m alone. I need your Du’a.

Salam Brother,

Thank you so much for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to seek support and there are many young people that are struggling with abstaining from accessing  pornography. You are certainly not alone. We live in a society with a lot of highly sexual imagery which makes it difficult to refrain from thinking about sex and pornography is easily accesssible which makes it difficult to avoid. Given that you are 21 years old it is incredibly normal to have sexual needs. If for higher spiritual purposes it feels important to abstain from pornography use here are a few things to consider:

First, reflect on what triggers you to turn to porn. What is happening right before you access these materials? Are you seeing mildly sexual images that then trigger a stronger desire? Are you feeling stressed and pornography provides an outlet for relief? Before judging yourself harshly for your difficulty with curbing this behavior think of what might be causing it. If you can find the root cause it is possible to re-route the behavior.

Next, think about the where, when and how of your usage. Where are you typically accessing these materials? When do you typically access them and how do you access them. If in the moment it is hard to control your impulses consider putting some other barriers in place. Perhaps add parental controls to your computer or avoid spending time in your room by yourself. With any habit there is often a “loop”- that is to say there is a specific trigger, the behavior and the “reward.” If you can intervene at any point in that loop you can break the habit. For example take a closer look at the trigger and think about if there is a replacement behavior you can use. You might find that going for a walk or exercising serves as a good substitute. You might eat a healthy snack. You may choose to talk to a friend.

If upon reflection it feels like you are just seeking to fulfil a very natural desire for sexual connection or the reward in this feedback loop consider taking a “harm-reduction” approach. Based on your values system what is the least problematic way to access this reward? Instead of going “cold turkey” and feeling discouraged by how long you are able to go without porn usage, consider moving one step away from it. Perhaps this means the length of time you access these materials is shorter, perhaps it is the extremity of content. Choose a few small steps you can take to move away from this habit and celebrate your steady progress.

With regard to this feeling of being two different people. This can be quite normal as well. In order to avoid feeling this way you can share your challenges with a trusted elder. Sometimes allowing yourself to be seen in your flaws can help you feel more authentic. More than anything though it is important to remember that we are all works in progress.

I will be keeping you in my duas. Best of luck Brother!

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam

“Fatima RS”