Fears about marriage

Waalaikumussalam warahmathullahiwabarakathuhu Sister,

Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. What you wrote is deeply moving, and I want to start by telling you this: You are not alone in this pain and more importantly, you are not beyond healing, love, or mercy. There’s so much strength, self-awareness, and sincerity in what you’ve expressed. What you’re experiencing is not a contradiction, it’s a very human journey of longing, healing, and slowly learning to trust both yourself and Allah after years of being made to feel like you had to survive without support.


That shift you felt….that’s a sign of real transformation. You didn’t force it, it was placed in you. When Allah changes your heart, what was once impossible becomes light. Seventy days without pornography after struggling for years is not small. That is a gift, a miracle, and a sign. Not just of your strength, but of Allah’s nearness to you. Your heart is responding to a deeper call now, and that’s a beautiful thing. What you discovered that you were trying to “earn” marriage through your “goodness” is one of the most important spiritual realizations anyone can have. You’re absolutely right: Allah is not a transactional God. He is “Al-Wahhab “the Giver of Gifts, not the Giver of Wages.


You do not have to earn marriage, love, or care. You do not have to heal perfectly to be worthy of a good partner. You do not have to fix yourself to deserve provision. Your worth is not based on your mental health, your productivity, or your family background. It is based on the fact that Allah created you, chose you, and continues to sustain you.


You were made to feel like you had to apologize for existing. That is not your fault. Your father’s emotional and financial abandonment left a wound, and now, your heart is trying to make sense of it all by assuming you must be the problem. But you’re not. It’s deeply telling that your panic attack came while making du’a because your heart is fighting to believe something new, while your nervous system is still locked in old survival stories.


So let me say it clearly:
You are not a burden. You are someone Allah has protected through hardship.
You are someone worthy of being cherished. You are not too much. You are not “damaged goods.” You are a woman of dignity, who still protects her values and has the courage to walk away when not respected. That is loveable. That is beautiful. That is strength.


You want connection, but fear it at the same time. You desire to be cared for, but feel guilty asking for it. You’re not broken for feeling both. These are the results of your past trauma. What matters is not waiting until the fear goes away but walking toward marriage with honesty, courage, and self-compassion despite the fear. “Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.” (Qur’an 2:286) Your fear doesn’t disqualify you. Your past doesn’t disqualify you. Your debt doesn’t disqualify you. Journal not only what you fear but what you hope.
You’ve already begun this, but add more pages. Seek trauma-informed support, if you can. If possible, work with a therapist or mentor who understands the intersection of trauma, self-worth, and faith. You’ve already done so much healing on your own but you don’t have to do it all alone.


Allah is not ashamed of you. Allah says in the Qur’an: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.’” (Qur’an 39:53) Cry if you need to, but don’t stop asking. Don’t stop hoping, and please don’t apologize for being who you are.


The guilt you feel isn’t just emotional. It lives in your nervous system, in the way your body tenses at the idea of someone caring for you. And that makes sense, because the people who should have provided that safety didn’t. When a father neglects his duty, especially during formative years, a child doesn’t stop loving the parent she stops trusting herself. She concludes, “Maybe I’m the reason I’m not being cared for.” That lie becomes a survival strategy: “If I’m just less needy, less emotional, less present maybe I’ll finally be acceptable.” But the truth is: you were always worthy of care. Even if your father failed you. Even if systems and doctors failed you. Even if others couldn’t or wouldn’t see your pain. The fact that you still long for emotional, spiritual, and financial companionship is not weakness. It is your fitrah it is the way Allah designed you. You are not selfish for wanting someone to hold you through life. That’s rahmah. That’s sakinah. That’s marriage.



Let that be okay. This means that when the right man comes, you will be able to recognize goodness not because you’re perfect or healed, but because your soul still knows. Because Allah preserved your sense of dignity, even when the world tried to crush it.
You said it beautifully: you don’t want to wait until the fear is gone, you want to walk with courage even if it’s still there. That is the path. Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the decision to act from love and trust anyway. And in your case, the courage is in: Continuing to make du’a, letting go of shame slowly, opening your heart to marriage while honoring your pain, not letting fear dictate your story. This is not weakness. This is healing…..You are not asking for too much. You are asking for something beautiful, and the One you’re asking—Al-Wahhab—loves to give.


 Mahr and provision are your rights, not your flaws. You’re not selfish for wanting a mahr. You’re not weak for wanting a man who supports you. Marriage is not about two perfect people finding each other. It’s about two imperfect people being willing to grow, forgive, and hold each other through the storms. Try to surround yourself with married people who lives together with love, respect and compassion, most importantly team work. By seeing those you can feel that you are deserve to be treated fairly. One day you can get to a better living place you wanted for.
In Shaa Allah!!

Warm regards,
 
From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Asalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhu,


Your honesty is a sign of immense strength and spiritual insight. Your self-awareness about the limiting beliefs you hold is not a sign of weakness but reflections of Allah (swt) nurturing you layer by layer toward a sound heart and relational readiness, insha’Allah.  


Often, we get preoccupied in trying to silence our fears in order to move forward, but a more helpful approach is to just stop letting those fears take the lead. We can coexist with feeling scared and still choose the meaningful and fulfilling path. In your case, this would mean allowing space to feel afraid and vulnerable while opening yourself up to care and support through marriage. From what you shared, it sounds like you have learned growing up that you cannot trust or rely on others. This can create a subconscious defense mechanism of hyper-independence. Allah (swt) has created human beings to be interdependent, or interconnected by balancing the self and others. Being provided for is not shameful. Asking for emotional and financial support is not selfish. Having needs is synonymous with being human, and Islam doesn’t frame providing as a burden for the husband but an act of honor and obedience to Allah (swt).


What may help with your feelings of anxiety is to take accountability by taking small steps toward the debt with the intention that you are entrusting Allah (swt) to turn our drop of water into an ocean. This may look like taking the step to seeking an advisor or paying a minimum amount. Remember to pray Prophet (saw)’s dua, “O Allah, I seek refuge with You from anxiety and grief, from helplessness and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, and from being overpowered by debt and from being overpowered by men.” 


Let’s talk about our thoughts. Thoughts like, “I’m too much,” “I’m a burden,” “I don’t deserve to be provided for,” is your fear trying to protect you. They may even be whisperings of the shaytan. Bottom line is that your thoughts don’t define who you are- a beloved creation and servant of Allah. The way to release the power that these thoughts have over us is by calling them out. For example, you can say, “Here comes that burden story,” “Thank you for trying to protect me Fear, but I got this” or “This is waswasa” and follow it with seeking help from Allah (swt), “Audhubillah.” The following may sound silly, but naming the brain is an effective way to become the master over your thoughts. I named my brain “Jolene” and when I’m in a thought storm, I tell her, “Jolene, take a break. I got this.”


When it comes to our subconscious limiting beliefs, they were likely formed in emotionally intense, repeated moments often during childhood. To soften and rewire those beliefs, our brains need safety and repetition, especially in theta and alpha brainwave states, when the subconscious is most open. We can access these states just after waking up, right before falling asleep, during salah or dhikr (remembrance of Allah), during autopilot mode (driving, running), or after crying and emotional openness. 


In those moments, make sincere dua and/or practice these affirmations from Allah (swt) Himself from the Quran: Allah honored me (17:70), Allah created me to reward me (10:4), Allah gave me worth (22:78) Allah provides for me (3:37). Talk to yourself in a nurturing and loving way.


You’re already rising. You’ve made incredible decisions and acted on them. You are worthy of marriage not because you’ve healed everything, but because you are loved by Allah (swt), and He wants good for His servants. 

From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima SA”

Walaykum assalam dear sister,


Feeling unlovable and like a burden are extremely heavy sentiments. I can see throughout your post that these two feelings are a recurring theme. You long to connect, feel appreciated, and be wanted, but these feelings of inferiority and rejection are holding you back. It sounds like an insurmountable challenge for you to overcome them. Sometimes we become so overwhelmed by our feelings that we overlook the good we do. Your journalling is a great way to help you pause, think and reflect on the good that you’ve done and the good qualities that you have. One good thing, my sister, is that you have been abstaining from pornography for quite some time now. MashaAllah, this is amazing! I am happy that you have been able to do this. This is a sign that you are headed in the right direction. You are migrating away from harmful things and headed towards Allah.


I can also see how much you desire to find your future spouse and how hard it can be with your battles of self-worth and anxiety. It may be even more challenging as you have had difficult experiences with your father. These difficult interactions (or lack of them) may have contributed to your struggle to develop a healthy image of yourself. One thing that stood out to me is reading how not only do you feel guilt for whoever may be your future spouse, but you also feel guilt for being Allah’s slave.


My dear sister, Allah created you knowing all of the pains and struggles you would experience in life. Additionally, He chose YOU to be a part of His Deen. Allah, our Loving, Caring and Nurturing Master has honoured all children of Adam (AS). That includes you. However, there is also a special honour that comes with knowing Him. You, my dear sister, among many of your brothers and sisters around that world have the honour of knowing Him and continuously striving towards Him. I do empathize with how you feel though. There are times where I too struggle with feeling worthy. However, there was a video that I had watched years ago that really affected me. If you are interested in giving it a watch, it may move your heart as well.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM_xRE-ER_M&ab_channel=NoumanAliKhan-Official-Bayyinah


I pray Allah heals you of your struggles and pains and blesses you with the best of this life and the next.


All the best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL