It seems impossible that I’ll get married in the way I want to, and I can’t imagine any other way being nice for me.
I’m seventeen. I think I’ve had a vague interest in marriage for a while. Like, I was interested in being in a relationship probably since I was thirteen (but Alhamdulillah, it has been very easy for me to stay away from non-mahram guys for my entire life, and I’ve never even really wanted to interact with the guys around me (at school), even the ones who were/are handsome and so on), but I think I didn’t really register my desire for marriage until later due to fears around that (we’ll return to that). In any case, last year, I think, I realised I really do want to get married, and I’ve been thinking since then about so many problems that I am afraid of coming up in this process. Especially these past few months, when it’s become like… I want to get married ASAP, I really do. I keep imagining beautiful romance stories in my head, and I think a lot about how I’d like my marriage process to go. And I never thought like this before, but I literally want to get married as soon as I’m eighteen. I want to do it.
But, aside from my fears, there is also a practical problem. I don’t want to get married in the country I currently live in. I have certain personal cultural and nationality preferences for anyone I’ll consider marrying (not racism, but from a practical point of view, I know that there are some cultures that won’t work well with my ‘culture’ (I’ll explain further), and so on), so I can’t really get married without leaving this country (which is not my native country, anyway). But I don’t think I will get to leave any time soon. I actually figured out where and how I want to pursue my studies abroad, but my parents refuse to even consider my plan just because they don’t know much about the country I want to go to (and they don’t listen to me talk about it, so I can’t do anything about this) and probably also because when they were young, that country was very different to how it is now and, more importantly, the media outside of that country exaggerated a lot of bad things about that country (and still does – but at least these days, it’s easier to find out the truth). I think they also think I’m just day-dreaming about going to some pretty foreign country that they knew I was interested in before for other reasons (culture, politics). It’s really bothering me, because in general, I hate living where I am, I feel like I’m suffering, but also, now, because I want to get married soon and I know that I can’t do that here. But how can I even talk about this to my parents? They’ll see it all as completely ridiculous. And I’m not sure they’ll be okay with me marrying outside of my, or rather, their culture, even if they say it’s fine now. I mentioned culture before, and I don’t really have a very firm culture because of how I grew up, so I know I can’t marry into my parents’ culture, because like before, some cultures won’t work with my situation. I know which countries I feel closer to culturally (with my mixture of cultures and what dominates inside me), and the one in which I live is not amongst them, and neither are my parents’ countries. I know I’ve not written this very clearly, but I hope it’s still understandable.
And then, there are all my personal fears about marriage. How do I tell my parents I like a guy? If a guy I like doesn’t approach me first, how will I have the confidence to get in contact with him, through parents or whatever? And it does seem silly to sit here with fantasies about all sorts of nice things happening, because I know that life doesn’t go that way. Things aren’t going to happen so beautifully as I imagine, are they? But I only WANT (need is a different matter) to get married for that nice experience that we hear about from other people (and maybe I should mention that I don’t really see anything special between my own parents). And also, I really don’t want to have kids. I know it’s natural and even Islamically good and everything, but my future plans won’t allow for this, and, more importantly, I cannot imagine going through the physical stuff. But I feel like that’s kind of why most Muslims (and most people in general, probably, except that many non-religious people these days don’t care about doing everything outside of marriage anymore) even get married, so, like, what are my chances of this working out? Almost non-existent. It seems like it’s impossible that things are going to work out my way. But I want to get married. Yet, if I step away from all my imagination, I can’t see my fantasies actually coming true.
But I still have to get married even if it doesn’t work out that way because my plans for my future involve going to certain places where I’ll need to have a male mahram with me basically at all times for safety and stuff, so I’ll need a husband for that. But at what cost?
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably. Your desire for a life of meaning, emotional connection, and personal growth is not only valid but it’s deeply human and reflects the fitrah, or innate human nature, that Allah (swt) placed within you. I hear your longing not just to be married, but to escape suffering, to build a new life, and to move forward with purpose. You are not alone in feeling this. I want to gently explore a central thought you expressed: “I need to get married because it’s my only way to leave this place, be safe abroad, and pursue my goals.” Let’s pause here, because this is important.
It’s essential to look beneath the surface of our thoughts and desires to understand what we are really seeking. You’re saying that you want a husband, but underneath there may be a need to feel safe or to leave an environment that is stifling or painful. Maybe you are seeking companionship and emotional support or want to pursue your dreams. These are all incredibly valid needs, and at the same time there may be more ways to meet those needs than the one and only path of marriage. The idea that marriage is the only way may feel true, but is it factually true? When we feel stuck, our minds can offer strategies to reduce the pain. This is called a “problem-solving mind trap” where the brain latches onto a single solution when feeling distressed. Growth involves expanding the menu of possibilities.
In Islam, marriage is a beautiful and sacred path, but it is not a requirement for seeking knowledge or a purposeful life, nor is it an escape plan. You want to study abroad. Alhamdulillah. You want to live in a country that aligns with your identity and values. Awesome. But these goals do not hinge completely on marriage. Your menu of possibilities may come through a scholarship, an academic opportunity, a support network, a family member, or other door that you haven’t noticed yet, but Allah (swt) is Al-Fattah, The Opener to mercy, knowledge, opportunity, and guidance. If you believe your only way out is through marriage, you may overlook the very door Allah (swt) opens for you.
Take a moment and reflect on what are some other ways that are halal, practical, and aligned with your values that you might be able to pursue your future goals? It may not be easy or quick, but it may be more helpful and empowering than tying your entire future to a spouse who hasn’t even arrived yet.
Your life does not start when someone marries you. It has already started. You are not waiting to be rescued, you are already being shaped and strengthened by Allah (swt) to walk your path with courage and clarity. So think of marriage as a means, not the mission. Continue to ask Allah (swt) for a righteous and loving spouse, but don’t let the absence of one right now convince you that you are trapped. Allah (swt) is your Guardian before anyone else.
If you find that your longing for marriage is pure and not due to a need for escape, then make sincere dua for all that your heart desires about your future spouse- the right culture, sweeping-you-off-your-feet romance, and the ease with which you both end up together. At the same time, accept uncertainty about how things will unfold with the certainty that Allah swt is the Best of planners, the Most Wise, the Most Generous. He’s got you boo.
Praying that you’re blessed with fulfillment and ease,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima SA”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam my sister,
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Marriage fears, romance, culture, moving, family, that’s a lot for a young person to have on their mind. Sometimes we can become so wrapped up in our fears and anxious thoughts that it can become overwhelming. If you ever find yourself feeling this way, it could help for you to keep a journal in a safe place where you can jot down the thoughts that come to your mind.
There was one thing I wanted to mention and that was how it is very admirable that you are actively thinking about your future. You have some idea of where you would like to see yourself, but you’re also not sure what all of that looks like⸺ and that’s perfectly okay. Marriage can be a beautiful thing but like everything in life it doesn’t come without much, much effort. The idea of someone coming in your life to sweep you off your feet can feel alluring. However, marriage as beautiful as it is, is a lot more than those butterfly feelings. Marriage involves two imperfect people coming together to try their best to make their relationship grow and thrive.
Something that I suggest to anyone who is thinking about marriage is to really spend the time that you have while single to grow as an individual. We all have aspects of ourselves that we need to develop further in. Knowing of our shortcomings and actively working on them can help in the long run when it is time to get married. It may also help you to have a better idea of your future plans.
I pray that Allah guides you to the person who will want to grow with you, and may He place plenty of barakah in your future relationship where the blessing extend down to your future children, ameen.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer, NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/05/05/fears-about-marriage/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/03/05/afraid-of-not-getting-married/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/05/31/finding-love/
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Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and heartfelt. What you are experiencing is not only valid, but also very natural. You are navigating a complex mix of emotions, desires, and practical concerns as you approach adulthood and contemplate marriage. I must commend you on upholding your Islamic values despite developing an interest in relationships. This shows a strong commitment to your Imaan.
It is not unusual to start experiencing a desire for marriage around your age. Many people feel this kind of longing early in life. There is, however, something beautiful in your self-awareness and deep reflections. This shows that your desire for marriage is not just about romantic fantasy, but also about companionship, safety, and aligning your life with a vision that respects your values and needs.
Feeling like you do not belong where you live, culturally or emotionally, can be incredibly difficult. And the fact that your parents do not see your perspective or take your hopes seriously can feel isolating. But you are not being unreasonable for wanting to live in a place that reflects your values and identity more closely. And while the detachment from your parents’ cultural expectations can be challenging, it also makes things clearer as you now have been led to define your values more consciously. It makes sense that you would seek a partner whose cultural background aligns more closely with your own internal identity and practical needs. This is neither racism nor rebellion, rather, it speaks to your level of maturity. Compatibility is essential in marriage, especially when you are trying to live a principled and purposeful life.
Talking with your parents probably presents the most challenging aspect of your situation. It may not be possible to suddenly get them on board, especially if their views are rigid or shaped by fear and misinformation. But when you bring it up, present it in a way that shows them you are thinking seriously and not impulsively. Be patient and nicely let them know that you are seeking their support. Instead of a sudden confrontation, try to gradually introduce your ideas. Perhaps share articles or videos about the country you are interested in that highlight its academic opportunities and safety, rather than just its cultural aspects. Since your parents are resistant to the country itself, frame your desire to study there primarily around your academic goals and how it aligns with your future career aspirations. You can subtly mention that the environment there might also be conducive to finding a suitable spouse without making it the main point. If their fears about the country are rooted in old information or media portrayals, try to gently present updated, reliable information. Perhaps you could even suggest a family trip there in the future. And when discussing your cultural preferences, avoid explicitly saying you cannot marry into their culture. Rather, you can explain that due to your unique upbringing, you feel a stronger connection to certain cultural practices or mindsets that you believe would foster a more harmonious marriage. Even if they dismiss it at first, you are planting a seed. And you can continue to show them over time that you are not driven by fantasies but by grounded, sincere intentions.
Your feelings on how to approach a potential partner and how marriage may not match the beautiful vision in your head, are completely valid. Everyone, even older adults, wrestles with those fears. It is true that some things may not go the way you imagine, but that does not mean the dream is wrong. It just means it needs patience, and some flexibility in the way it unfolds. If you are interested in someone, you can discreetly try to find out more about his character, family, and commitment to the deen through mutual connections. You may also consider expressing your interest to your parents, and they can then make inquiries on your behalf. Any of these approaches can present an opening to connecting with him.
Certainly, many Muslims do get married with children in mind, but you are not wrong to think differently nor are you alone in your standpoint. There are men out there who understand and even share that view, especially if you are upfront and honest about it. While it may narrow your options, it would not make your path impossible. Now, I completely respect your position on childbearing, however, I would suggest you reflect more on this issue. You are still young, and things may look different when you see friends or relatives of your age building their families.
Your immediate desire to marry is reasonable, but finding the right partner and the right circumstances can take time. So, I want to please encourage you to be patient; turn to Allah with all your desires and concerns, and trust in His plan. Going forward, do your best to make Istikhara a constant companion in this journey. Seek Allah’s guidance in all your decisions regarding marriage and your future. Venture to learn more about the Islamic rights and responsibilities of spouses, and what makes a successful marriage. This will help you manage expectations and prepare you for the realities of married life. And when you are ready to consider potential spouses, prioritize not only their compatibility, but also their character and commitment to the deen; a strong foundation in the deen and good character will foster love and respect.
Navigating the path of faith, family, identity, and future is not always easy. But you are doing it with a level of reflection and emotional depth that many people much older than you have not yet attained. Please keep in mind that you do not have to have all the answers now. What you can do is to keep preparing spiritually, emotionally, and practically. Keep learning what kind of person is right for you. Keep strengthening your connection to Allah and your own sense of self. And keep having courage to bring your dreams to light, even if others do not see them clearly yet.
May Allah make it easy for you, guide you to what is best, and grant you a righteous and loving spouse who is the coolness of your eyes.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K