My best friend and I are still not talking
Salam, this is a continuation of the post “I fought with my best friend”, and I’m writing this nearly a month later. If you cannot go read the other post, what happened was this; my best friend has liked a guy at school for 2 years now, and 2026 marked the start of year 3 of our friendship. I also liked the same guy at the same time, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her for 2 years. She told me first, I didn’t want to just tell her because I thought it would be easy to hide and was unimportant. I told her when this school year started, and she started ignoring me. It would be great if you could read the other post first for more context but if not that’s fine, I’m so thankful for you even reading till here. I appreciate all the help I got on that post, Jazak Allah Khairun sisters <3
Things are still horrible. I honestly don’t know what to do or think. After my last post, I decided to ask her. I didn’t want to assume anything, so I asked her what was going on and why she was ignoring me. She told me “wallah I’m not ignoring you, it was just a really big shock, that’s all.” I believed her, but her actions at school say otherwise. She does things that really annoy me and hurt me, and I’m mad at myself for being so caught up in her actions. I wish I didn’t care as much as I did. For example, I might be sitting between her and another one of our friends, and she leans over to look at the friend nexts to us and says hi to them, ignoring my existence. She doesn’t talk to me, address me or initiate anything at all. What annoys me is that although she said she’s not ignoring me, she literally is. I also didn’t tell any of our other friends at school that we haven’t been talking, and she herself is one of the people who don’t like to talk about their problems with others, which sometime puts us both in awkward situations. No one has realised how we don’t talk or how we don’t sit together, and everyone still thinks of us as the iconic duo.
I’m confused because sometimes there are moments where I feel she’s trying to talk to me or connect with me through talking to someone else. Like she says specific things making sure I can hear them, and it seems like she wants to talk to me. But at the same time, when I try to initiate conversation with her, she looks at me as if she’s thinking “she really has the audacity to talk to me” or something like that.
When I had asked her why she’s ignoring me and she answered swearing no, I was happy. for the next week I was talking to her normally, but I realised I was the only one talking or starting conversation, and I felt she didn’t want to talk to me. I tried not talking to her or addressing her for a couple days, to see what she would do. Nothing happened. No contact at all. So I decided not to initiate anything with her, and now the ignoring feels stronger than ever. I can’t believe how fragile and delicate our friendship must’ve been that I ruined it by telling her the truth. Maybe I’m judging things too early, and she’s still shocked. I don’t know.
My dad says I should ignore her as well, and that she’s manipulating me. But I don’t know. In my eyes she’s still my best friend, and I don’t think she ever try to consciously manipulate anyone. I’ve followed your advice, trying to be polite but not chasing, but there are small situations that happen form time to time that really make me start spiralling.
Sometimes during recess our friend group stands in a circle talking near the lockers. Once I was talking to someone, and when I finished my best friend stepped in front of me, turned her back to me, and started talking to the same person. It sounds small, but in the moment it made me feel really invisible. Certain situations really bother me. Not out of jealousy but out of fear. I start thinking how I shouldn’t have told her, because there’s no way I can compete with her, I’m not good enough, I caused her harm for no reason, I’m just intervening and being naive, and things like that. I hate how my self-worth is tied to how she treats me but I don’t really know what I can do about that. Another thing that also happened was one time I was absent, and asking for what the homework was on the class girl group chat. One of my friends answered, but she said something wrong about the due date of a task, so my best friend corrects her and answers me abruptly, saying how the due date is at a later date. Surprised that she answered me, and happy that the homework was due later than I expected, I responded in caps saying thank you. Afterwards I felt a bit embarrassed because it made me realise how eager I still was for any interaction. A couple weeks later she was absent and asked what the homework was, and I responded, but she didn’t respond back to me.
I can’t help but wonder if it would have been so bad if I didn’t tell her. We’d still be friends, I’d still be talking to her, we’d still be laughing about things and I would’ve just dealt with the fact that we both like the same person. It was never really about the guy, I just wanted to be honest with her. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to make dua because I hurt the friendship for my own comfort. I caused harm by saying something, even if it was the truth. Sometimes I feel Allah is upset with me, other times I don’t. I beg Him to let her text me, let her initiate anything, because I want to talk to her. I want to know what she thinks. I want to know if she wants to put in effort for our friendship or if she doesn’t care what happens.
Ever since I told her the truth, I’ve realised she’s more aware. Before I told her, she was completely clueless and would never guess in a million years that I liked the same person as her. But now, sometimes in class when the guy is talking, I catch her looking at me, seeing what I’m doing. Every time I walk past him to get to my seat in class, she’s looking at me. I don’t know if she feels betrayed or threatened, but I honestly don’t care. I would love it to be something we bond over or tease each other about, but she took it really seriously, and she had a right to, but it would be nice if she could come to terms with the truth.
I want to stop ignoring her, because even though that’s what she does to me, I hate doing it myself and I feel mean and distant, especially during the times when I’m confused on whether she’s trying to talk to me or not. I know it’s a lack of communication problem, and theres another thing I thought of recently. It’s that a good friendship is built on vulnerability. Every time I was vulnerable with her in the past, even though we’re best friends, she would kind of answer back with “what do you expect me to do?” or, she wouldn’t be able to support me in my struggles. She never showed me an inch of vulnerability back, which made me feel dumb and childish for having problems. That cause me to constantly try and please her, do what she wants, agree with her, because I felt threatened by the fact that I had opened up to her and exposed myself to her, without her meeting me in the middle. And that’s what’s happening now. She does not want to talk about it at all or confront the problem. I’m not saying she’s at fault, but I think our emotional capacities and expectations of a best friend are just different.
I just don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if she hates me, or is trying to talk to me again but feels scared. I don’t want to talk to her first, because then I would be putting myself in the same situation of me trying to fix things when she doesn’t want to. But I also know if I just leave it, Allah ‘alam, this ignoring thing could go on for the whole year. If it goes on for too long our friendship will never be the same. If it ends up going for long, I want to learn how to stop obsessing over what she does and just leave it to Allah, but I don’t know how to do that.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam dear Sister!!
First, I want to acknowledge how painful and confusing this situation must feel for you. When someone we consider our best friend suddenly becomes distant, it can feel like a part of our life has been pulled away. Your feelings of hurt, confusion, and even self-doubt are very natural. Please don’t feel ashamed for caring deeply about your friendship. That simply shows that you value loyalty and honesty.
During school years, friendships can feel extremely intense because we spend so much time together and rely on each other emotionally. When something changes in that bond, it can feel much bigger and more painful than expected.
Sometimes when someone learns that their close friend likes the same person they do, it can trigger feelings of insecurity or comparison. Even if you never intended competition, she may be struggling with those feelings internally.
From what you described, it seems your friend may still be processing her emotions. Even if she said she isn’t ignoring you, her behavior suggests she might be feeling hurt, insecure, or unsure about how to navigate the situation. When someone has liked a person for a long time, learning that their best friend also likes them can feel threatening, even if you never intended it that way. Her reaction may not be fair to you, but it may simply reflect her emotional difficulty with the situation.
At the same time, I gently want to highlight something you already noticed yourself: your friendship seems to have had an imbalance in vulnerability and emotional support even before this situation happened. You mentioned that when you opened up about struggles in the past, she often didn’t know how to respond or meet you emotionally. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a bad person, but it may simply mean she has a different emotional capacity or communication style. But it can make the friendship feel one-sided.
Right now, it might help to shift your focus from trying to interpret every small action she does. When we care deeply, it’s easy to analyze every look, every word, and every silence. But that often causes more anxiety and self-criticism than clarity. One thing I noticed in your message is how much your self-worth has started to depend on how she treats you. That is very understandable when someone is important to us, but your value as a person is not determined by one friendship or one person’s reaction. Telling the truth in a respectful way does not destroy a healthy friendship. If honesty causes a relationship to struggle, it often reveals challenges that were already present beneath the surface.
You don’t have to ignore her or treat her coldly. You can greet her politely and act respectfully in group settings, but avoid putting yourself in the position of constantly initiating or seeking reassurance.
Give the situation time and space.
Sometimes friendships need distance for emotions to settle. What feels permanent right now might soften with time.
Your value is not determined by how this friend treats you. The thoughts you described, “I’m not good enough” or “I shouldn’t have said anything,” are very harsh toward yourself. You were honest and sincere. That is something to be proud of, not ashamed of…
Allah is not upset with you for being truthful. Allah knows your intention was honesty, not harm. Your du’a doesn’t have to be only “make her text me.” You can also ask Allah for what is best for both of you, whether that means reconciliation or helping you move forward peacefully.
Try to connect with other friends, activities, or interests so that this one relationship does not carry the entire weight of your emotional world.
If you feel comfortable, after some time has passed, you could gently say something simple like:
“I miss our friendship, and I hope we can talk about things whenever you’re ready.”
But if she still avoids the conversation, remember that reconciliation requires effort from both sides.
Remember that Allah sees the sincerity in your heart. Sometimes when we lose or struggle in a relationship, Allah is teaching us something about ourselves, about boundaries, and about the kinds of friendships that will truly nourish our hearts. Trust that what is meant for you, including the right friendships, will never miss you.
A real friendship is not destroyed by one moment of honesty. If the bond between you is strong, time and patience can help heal it. And if it changes, that does not mean you failed; it simply means you are both growing and learning. Try to shift the question from “How do I make her talk to me again?” to “How can I protect my peace and continue being the kind, honest person I want to be?” The right people will always value those qualities.
Finally, dear sister, friendships, especially during school years, can change as people grow emotionally. Sometimes two people care about each other but are at different levels of emotional readiness. That doesn’t erase the good memories you had together, and it doesn’t mean you failed.
You showed honesty, courage, and self-reflection in this situation. Those qualities will serve you well in all your relationships in the future. In Shaa Allah. Sometimes Allah allows situations like this to teach us about boundaries, emotional maturity, and the kinds of friendships that truly nurture us. Whatever happens, trust that Allah sees your sincerity and will guide your heart toward what is best.
“And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for them.” (Qur’an 65:3)
May Allah ease your heart, grant you clarity, and bless you with friendships that bring you peace and mutual support. Aameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/friendships/
