I hate my self
Counselling Request – Personal Background and Concerns
I am a 25-year-old female currently living at home with both of my parents, Alhamdulillah, and three of my siblings. I am seeking counselling because I feel overwhelmed and I do not know who to speak to for guidance, especially from an Islamic perspective.
I did not grow up with my parents for most of my childhood. Around the age of 12, I was sent to boarding school and mostly raised myself. I would only see my parents during the June and December holidays, and sometimes only in December for about a month before returning to school again. After completing matric, I went to university for four years. The first time I really lived with my parents for a long period was during the COVID period.
Living together was very difficult because the expectations they had of me as a daughter—especially in terms of manners, communication, and behaviour—were different from how I had grown up. Since I did not grow up at home with them, I feel that I did not learn those family values and ways of communicating properly.
I also feel that I have very little emotional connection with my mother. When I came home during school breaks, she seemed happy to see me and would buy me things, but there was no deep emotional connection built over time. When I went back to school, I would mostly only hear from her through my father rather than directly from her. Because of this, I never really developed feelings of comfort, affection, or attachment with her. I struggle to feel natural closeness such as hugging or emotional warmth, and this makes it difficult for me to relate to her in a meaningful way.
At the same time, I do not want to describe her as a bad person. She has worked very hard to provide for me and to give me what I needed, and she has advised me in many different ways throughout my life. I recognize her efforts and sacrifices. However, despite that, I still struggle to feel emotionally close to her, and our communication is very difficult.
Over the years, communication between us has become strained. I struggle to speak to her in the respectful and gentle manner that a child should speak to their parent. Sometimes the way I speak hurts her, and she has told me that I hurt her often. This is something that I genuinely feel guilty about and wish I could change.
At home, conversations often happen in a harsh tone. Because of that environment, I feel like I also developed a harsh way of speaking and an anger problem. I find it very difficult to communicate calmly with my siblings as well, and discussions often turn into shouting.
I also feel like I am often blamed when there are problems in the house. As the firstborn, I have been told that I need to improve myself so that the younger ones can learn from me. However, sometimes it feels like even when others make mistakes, the responsibility is directed toward me. This makes me feel like I am the “black sheep” of the family.
Sometimes when my mother is upset, I assume that it is because of something I did. This makes me constantly feel anxious and guilty at home. I also notice that the relationship she has with my other siblings seems different from the relationship she has with me.
Last Ramadan my mother told me that I hurt her often. Since then, I have been struggling spiritually as well. I feel like my worship is meaningless because I fear that if my parents are not happy with me, then Allah may not be pleased with me either. Even though I make a lot of istighfar and ask Allah for forgiveness, I feel like I am losing hope.
These struggles have affected my self-worth deeply. I often feel like I am not good enough and that I am constantly trying to become the child my parents want me to be. I even fear marriage because my mother once said that if I cannot treat her well, how will I treat a husband. That statement made me feel like I might not be capable of having a healthy marriage.
Over the years, this situation has caused many mental and emotional struggles for me. At some points in my life, I have even hurt myself or had suicidal thoughts. However, whenever those thoughts came, I would become afraid because I feared meeting Allah in that state. This has been a constant internal struggle for me, and I sincerely want it to stop.
Because of these struggles, I have also lost many friendships and find it difficult to maintain relationships with people. I often feel alone and unsure how to change or improve myself.
I am seeking counselling because I genuinely want to understand myself better, manage my anger, improve my communication with my family, and find a healthier way to move forward both emotionally and spiritually.
Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
Thank you for submitting your post to Stones to Bridges! We pray you will find the responses below beneficial. If you find these responses helpful, we’d love for you to share what you appreciated and how you feel it might help you moving forward in the comments section below!
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikumwarahmathullahiwabarakathuhu
Dear Sister,
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. The fact that you are reflecting on your behaviour, feeling concern about hurting your mother, and seeking help shows sincerity and a strong desire to improve. This is not the sign of someone who should hate herself; it is the sign of someone who cares deeply about doing what is right. The fact that you feel remorse when you hurt your mother and that you are actively seeking guidance shows that you care deeply about doing what is right. A person who truly did not care would not struggle in this way. So please try to begin by showing yourself some compassion. First, I want you to know that your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story already show a great deal of self-awareness and sincerity. Many people go through life without ever reaching that level of self-reflection. Your desire to grow and to please Allah is something beautiful, not something to hate yourself for.
From what you described, you spent most of your childhood away from home in boarding school. Because of this, you missed many of the everyday moments that usually help build emotional bonds between parents and children. These bonds often grow through years of daily interaction, comfort, and communication. When those years are limited, it is natural for the relationship to feel distant or unfamiliar later on. This does not mean you are a bad daughter; it simply means your relationship with your parents developed under different circumstances. Attachment and emotional closeness are often built through daily interactions over many years. When that time is limited, it can naturally make relationships feel distant or unfamiliar later in life.
Sometimes parents and children also carry unspoken hurt without fully understanding each other. Regarding your relationship with your mother, it is possible that both of you are experiencing pain in different ways. She may feel hurt by certain interactions, while you may feel misunderstood, blamed, or emotionally disconnected. When both people are carrying unspoken hurt, communication can easily become tense and defensive. It may help to remember that rebuilding emotional connection is a gradual process. Relationships can evolve over time, even if they started with distance. You also mentioned that conversations at home often happen in a harsh tone. When someone grows up in an environment where communication is often loud or sharp, it is very common to adopt the same pattern without realizing it. The beautiful thing is that you have already taken the most important step. You have recognized this pattern and sincerely want to change it. This does not mean that you intentionally want to hurt others. Often, it is simply the pattern that was learned.
You also mentioned feeling like your worship is meaningless because you fear Allah may not be pleased with you if your parents are hurt by you. While Islam emphasizes honouring parents, Allah is also Al-Rahman and Al-Rahim, the Most Merciful. Your sincere repentance, your guilt when you make mistakes, and your efforts to improve are all acts that Allah values deeply. Feeling remorse and making Istighfar are signs of a living and sincere heart. Allah does not expect perfection from us. He expects effort and sincerity.
You are also carrying a lot of pressure as the firstborn child. In many families, firstborns are given responsibilities and expectations that can feel overwhelming. Being told that younger siblings will follow your example can make you feel like every mistake is magnified. But remember that you are also still a human being learning and growing.
The statement your mother made about marriage understandably hurt you. However, one moment or one relationship dynamic does not define your ability to build healthy relationships in the future. In fact, the level of reflection and awareness you are showing now can actually make you more capable of building a thoughtful and compassionate marriage when the time comes. In Shaa Allah!!
Allah reminds us in the Qur’an:
“Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, He is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.”
(Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
Your guilt and your desire to become better are signs of a living heart. Allah does not expect perfection from us; He loves when we turn back to Him.
Allah also reassures us:
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.”
(Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286)
The emotional struggles you are experiencing do not mean you are weak or incapable. They simply mean you have been carrying heavy responsibilities and emotional pain for a long time.
What concerned me most in your message was hearing that you have struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I am very grateful that your fear of Allah protected you during those moments. But those thoughts show that you have been carrying a great deal of emotional pain alone. Seeking Counselling, as you are doing now, is a brave and important step toward healing.
Try not to focus on changing everything at once. Begin with small steps.
Going forward, a few gentle steps may help you begin healing:
• Learning emotional regulation skills to manage anger before it escalates by practicing a few steps:
• Practicing small changes in communication, such as pausing before responding.
• Building self-compassion instead of constantly blaming yourself
• Reframing your relationship with your parents as something that can slowly grow rather than something that must immediately feel perfect.
• Continuing to nurture your spiritual connection with Allah through Dua, reflection, and patience.
Most importantly, please try to change the way you speak to yourself. The title of your message says “I hate myself,” but the person you described is not someone hateful. She is someone who is trying, reflecting, feeling remorse, and asking for help. Those qualities are signs of strength and sincerity.
Allah sees your struggle even when others may not fully understand it. Allah sees the struggle that others may not see.
“And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He is sufficient for them.”
(Surah At-Talaq 65:3)
Healing family relationships and healing yourself both take time, patience, and support. With sincere intention, effort, and guidance, change is absolutely possible. May Allah place peace in your heart, soften the relationship between you and your mother, and guide you toward healing and understanding. Aameen!!
You are not alone in this journey, dear sister.
Everything will be fine soon.
In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
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