My struggle
**Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem**
**Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh, dear brothers and sisters in Islam.**
I am writing this message with a heart full of pain, hoping that Allah will guide me and that I may receive sincere advice and du’a from this blessed community.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
*”Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear”* (Qur’an 2:286).
But wallahi, sometimes I feel like my heart is too heavy to carry all of this.
Last week Friday (17/04), I wrote my JAMB examination. After the exam, I was hopeful and wanted to check my result the next day. But to my shock, I discovered that all my SIM cards were missing. I searched everywhere in the house, turning everything upside down, but I could not find them.
At first, I suspected our house help because she had asked me the day before my exam if she could have one of my SIM cards. But when I asked her, she swore by Allah that she did not take it, and I believed her.
Then I turned to my younger sister. At first, she denied it completely. But later, after I promised her that I would forgive her and even give her my phone, she confessed. She said she had taken my phone to school, and when it started making noise, she removed the SIM cards and gave them to her friend to keep. Later, when she asked her friend for the SIM cards, the friend told her they had been swept away.
Hearing this broke me. Not only because of the loss, but because now I cannot even replace the SIM cards since I do not know who registered them. This has caused serious problems for me, especially regarding my JAMB result.
But the pain did not stop there.
When my parents found out, my mother became very angry with me. She called me hurtful names and said things that pierced my heart deeply. She even accused me of speaking harshly to her and slamming the door, which never happened. Wallahi, I remained silent and did not disrespect her.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
*”And speak to people good words”* (Qur’an 2:83).
I always try to follow this, especially with my parents, but I feel misunderstood.
This is not the first time I have faced this kind of treatment. My mother often insults me in front of my siblings and sometimes beats me. She makes painful statements and even says things like I will have disobedient children in the future. These words stay in my heart and do not leave me.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
*”The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand other Muslims are safe.”*
But I do not feel safe from hurtful words in my own home.
There was a day she asked me to cook jollof rice, but there was no oil in the house. When I informed her, she said if I cooked it, may Allah curse me. That day, I cried alone, asking Allah why my efforts are not seen.
Another time, she accused me of spoiling my siblings’ upbringing and even claimed I showed them inappropriate things. Wallahi, this is not true. I have never done such a thing. Yet she told my siblings to stay away from me, and my father believed her words. This broke my heart into pieces.
Allah says:
*”Indeed, Allah commands justice and good conduct…”* (Qur’an 16:90).
But I feel like justice is missing in my situation.
I am the eldest child, and I always try my best to obey and respect my parents. I hold my pain inside and try not to talk back, even when I am hurt. Meanwhile, my younger sister sometimes speaks back, yet she is treated differently. I do not understand why.
Many nights, I lock myself in my room and cry silently so no one will hear me. I feel alone, like I have no one to share my pain with except Allah.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
*”Whoever remains patient, Allah will make him patient.”*
I am trying to be patient, but it is very difficult.
Sometimes, the pain becomes so overwhelming that dark thoughts come to my mind, but I immediately remember Allah and the Hereafter, and I stop myself. I fear Allah, and I do not want to displease Him.
Allah says:
*”Indeed, with hardship comes ease”* (Qur’an 94:6).
I am holding onto this verse, hoping that one day my situation will change.
Right now, I feel lost. I do not know what to do about the SIM card issue, and I do not know how to handle my family situation. My heart feels heavy, and I feel broken inside.
I am sincerely asking my dear brothers and sisters in Islam: please advise me. Please make du’a for me. Ask Allah to ease my hardship, soften my parents’ hearts, and bring peace into my home.
May Allah reward you all for listening to my story and for your sincere prayers.
**Jazakumullahu khairan.**
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam warahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu dear sister,
I’m really sorry you’re going through such a painful situation. May Allah ease your heart and grant you strength. Aameen!! What you’re facing is not easy, and your patience is something very valuable in the sight of Allah. Reading your message, it’s very clear how much pain you are carrying in your heart. What you’re going through is not small, and it makes sense that you feel overwhelmed. Anyone in your position would feel hurt and confused.
First, please remember this your patience, your silence in the face of hurt, and your effort to respect your parents, Allah sees all of it. Nothing is lost with Him. Even the tears you cry alone are known to Him. At the same time patience in Islam does not mean you have to silently absorb harm without seeking help. Islam teaches kindness to parents, but it also does not justify emotional or physical harm. What you’re experiencing being insulted, blamed falsely, and hurt repeatedly is very heavy, and it is okay to acknowledge that.
Try to focus on what is within your control. About your SIM issue, If possible, go to the network provider with any ID or details you may have and explain your situation. Sometimes they can still help recover or replace the number. For your family situation, continue to maintain respect, but also protect your peace. When situations become tense, it’s okay to stay quiet and step away rather than absorb hurtful words. Not every accusation needs a response in the moment. If possible, try to speak to your mother at a calm time not during conflict. Keep your words simple, soft, and focused, just expressing that you want peace and understanding. Even if she doesn’t respond immediately, consistency in calm behavior can sometimes soften hearts over time.
Also, please don’t carry everything alone. If there is someone trustworthy in your life ,a relative, teacher, or a counselor
consider reaching out. Having support can make a big difference. Try to keep your words calm and minimal when things escalate. Not to suppress yourself, but to protect your peace. Write your feelings down or make du’a regularly this can help release what you are holding inside. Also, I want to gently say something important you mentioned having dark thoughts sometimes. Please don’t ignore this. Your life is valuable, and your presence matters. When those thoughts come, try to immediately shift, make du’a, step out of the room, call someone safe, or distract yourself in a healthy way. And if it gets intense, please reach out to someone you trust. You are not weak for feeling this way. You are a human being under a lot of pressure. And take care of your emotional well-being. When things feel overwhelming, turn to du’a, write your feelings, or give yourself space to calm down. Your heart deserves care too. Lastly, keep holding onto Allah but also take steps to protect your emotional well-being. Both can go together.
May Allah ease your hardship, protect your heart, grant you justice, and replace your pain with peace. Ameen!! You are not alone, dear sister.
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from an additional “Fatima Counselor”:
Asalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah dear Sister,
There is so much suffering in what you shared. I can only imagine the degree of your disappointment with your trust being betrayed, anxiety in the loss of the SIM, and the agony of psychological, emotional, and physical harm. As human beings, we seek love, belongingness, and safety from our family. When we experience fear, shame and rejection instead, it cuts deeply. It makes sense why you feel crushed.
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Sometimes those who cause harm carry wounds of their own. Perhaps your mother was also subject to the same emotional and psychological abuse such as being wrongly accused, name-calling, or maybe her elders also made du’a against her, and/or there was physical abuse. Victims can end up suffering from trauma and anxiety and some can end up perpetrating the same acts they were oppressed by when their unresolved patterns of pain, trauma, or anger are not addressed. That context may help explain behavior, but it never excuses it. What is happening to you is not okay. In fact, it is wrong, and it is your God-given right to be safe, respected, and treated with dignity.
Instead of exhausting yourself from defending and proving your truth to your mom who may not be ready to or able to hear it, you want to mindfully shift into protecting yourself. This means surrounding yourself with trustworthy family or friends who share your values of compassion, respect, conscientiousness, and humility. (I gathered these values from how you shared your story.) Create “safe harbors” outside the home where you can breathe, feel seen, and rebuild your sense of self. Perhaps consider spaces you can volunteer, learn, and engage in hobbies.
When hurtful words are directed at you, separate them from your identity. For example, if you are being told, “You are useless, a failure,” you remind yourself, “This is someone’s anger being directed at me. This is not the truth.” Don’t believe a person’s trauma or anger story. You are not defined by another person’s wounds or injustice. Observe that your mother is in the midst of a maladaptive defense mechanism instead of falling into self-doubt and shame. If you are having harmful du’a made against you, hold on tight to the conviction that Allah (swt) knows the truth, and He is the Most Just, Most Kind, Most Merciful. Nothing escapes His Justice and Knowledge.
The loss of your SIM card felt like the loss of your effort, hopes, and plans. This reminded me of the story of Khidr and Musa (as). Sometimes, what feels like loss is protection or redirection. Three times our human logic and senses told us that there was loss, but the reality was that there was goodness and protection: the damaged boat, the murdered boy, and the unrepaid efforts for rebuilding a wall of a town with ungracious peoples were Allah (swt)’s hidden ways of looking out for their best interest. It doesn’t make sense to our limited minds and senses how your loss of the SIM and the JAMB being at risk could be protection or goodness, but you are beloved by Allah (swt) who wants to nurture, uplift, and protect you, insha’Allah. Remember the hadith qudsi where Allah (swt) says, “I am as my servant thinks I am.”
One last thing that I want to share is the story of Umm Salama (ra). She was taught by her husband Abu Salama who learned from the Prophet (saw), to make a du’a to replace a loss with something better. When her husband, the support and love of her life, died because of injuries sustained from the Battle of Uhud. She made the du’a, but she could not fathom that she would ever have anything better than the support, companionship, and love of Abu Salama and at her older age with children. Would you believe it? What she could not imagine in a million years happened. The best human to have walked this face of Earth, the Prophet of Allah (saw) proposed to her, and she became his (saw)’s wife.
This is the du’a Umm Salama made:
“Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. Allahumma ajurni fi musibati, wa akhlif li khairan minha.”
“Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allah, compensate me for my affliction and replace it with something better than it.”
Dear Sister, make the du’a fervently. Keep your hope anchored in Allah. Keep your trust alive. Know that every struggle, every effort, every moment of patience and act of endurance is seen and rewarded. Nothing is wasted. In fact, there is reward, restoration, and elevation in this life and the next, insha’Allah.
With heartfelt du’as,
Fatima “SA”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/family/
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Habiba K
Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
My heart really goes out to you. It takes so much courage to be this honest about your struggles, and anyone in your shoes would feel completely overwhelmed. You have been trying your best to do the right thing, and I know how heavy it feels when you are met with blame instead of support. It is so moving to see that despite everything, you are still turning to Allah and holding onto His words. That is truly incredible. Please know that He sees every silent tear and every time you choose kindness over anger. You indeed are a person of profound beauty and strength.
Regarding your family situation, it is important to balance patience with wisdom. While we are called to honor our parents, we also are allowed to protect our emotional well-being. It does appear that there may be a pattern where you are carrying more responsibility as the eldest, and sometimes that leads to being judged more harshly. That does not make it right, but it can help explain why you are being treated differently. Still, constant accusations and hurtful words can wear a person down. So, as much as you can, try to reduce situations that lead to conflict, keep interactions brief and respectful when tensions are high. I suggest avoiding long explanations when your mother is already upset, because that often escalates things. If possible, try involving a calm third party, such as an aunt, elder relative, or someone your parents respect, who can speak on your behalf without confrontation. Additionally, you may consider choosing calm, neutral moments, perhaps when your mother is in a better mood, to gently express simple feelings like telling her how much you love her, and that you are trying your best and want to make her proud.
I would recommend creating small emotional boundaries at home. If hurtful words begin, try to quietly excuse yourself rather than staying and absorbing everything. This is not disrespect; it is protecting your heart. And also do continue fulfilling your responsibilities of helping, speaking kindly, and making du’a for them, because this maintains your character and your reward with Allah, regardless of the response you receive.
With regards to your younger sister, what she did was not okay, and it is completely normal to feel hurt by it. Since she admitted what happened, use this as a chance to set a boundary. You can calmly tell her that she broke your trust and that it will likely take some time and effort on her part to earn that trust back. Forgiving her for the sake of Allah will help you feel lighter but remember that forgiving does not mean you have to act like it never happened, it means choosing not to let bitterness consume you while still being wiser going forward.
About your JAMB issue, do not lose hope. Take practical steps, gather any information you still have such as your registration number, exam slip, email address, or any documents used during registration. Visit the CBT center where you registered and explain what happened. If possible, contact JAMB support directly or check if results can be accessed using your registration details instead of the SIM. Many students face access issues, and there are often alternative recovery methods. Please stay calm and persistent, this problem, Insha Allah, has a solution.
Now, about the emotional weight and the dark thoughts you mentioned, this is very important. Those thoughts often come when pain builds up with no outlet. The fact that you stop yourself out of fear of Allah shows strength, but you should not fight this alone. When such thoughts come, interrupt them immediately, I would suggest changing your physical state by standing up, making wudu, leaving your room, or going to sit near other people. You also can redirect your mind by reciting Qur’an or even making simple dhikr. Kindly avoid staying isolated for long periods when you are overwhelmed because being alone can intensify these thoughts. If possible, try to speak to someone safe and trustworthy as keeping everything inside increases the pressure. Also, you may consider creating a small daily structure for yourself, simple routines like reading Qur’an, light exercise, or writing your thoughts in a journal can help release what you are carrying internally. If the thoughts ever feel stronger or harder to control, it is important to reach out immediately to someone of authority such as a trustworthy imam, or a professional counselor. A therapist, particularly one who is culturally sensitive, can provide tools and strategies to process your trauma and manage those dark thoughts and feelings. Seeking professional medical help is not weakness, it is taking care of the trust of your life that Allah has given you.
I would like to encourage you to continue to turn to Allah in private moments. Even two raka’at at night, where you speak honestly to Him without formality, can bring a type of calm that nothing else gives. Repeating “hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel” also can bring a sense of peace, strength and calm to the heart. Even a quiet “Ya Allah, help me” can move mountains you cannot see. And please always remember that this situation, as painful as it is, is not permanent and it does not define who you are. Your environment can change, your circumstances can improve, and Allah can open doors you cannot yet see. You are not alone, Allah is with you, He sees you and your patience is of great value. Please know that you are a person with so much potential and a beautiful future ahead. Trust that things will work out in the best possible way for you, and, Insha Allah, your brightest days are still to come.
May Allah ease your hardship, heal you, protect you, soften the hearts of your parents and surround you with peace, comfort and joy.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K
Sis Purelight
As salaamu alaikum beloved sister. First, let me apologize for these hurts happening to you. You don’t deserve them. One thing I learned about birth order is the first child is the one that shows the parents their own character. Being the first child to new parents means they usually treat that child like they do every one else. They dont know any better. Parenting comes with trial amd error. Figuring out what they feel they could have done some thing differently, if they knew better. I have also learned that they don’t often know how to handle seeing themselves in that mirror reflective state. Then the fact that the first child actually has their own thoughts and feelings about things thus really causing confusion for them. Like, why they didn’t have the gifts and talents the child has.
I said all this to say, I think you represent the best character of your parents and that can be a challenge for them that they don’t really know how to handle or control. Having that type of confusion can make one feel insecure and they judge themselves and strike out at the familiar. From your post I can tell you are a thoughtful, loving, caring, truly striving individual that loves Allah and your family. That is no small feat. I believe those that are really seeking Allah’s pleasure are often misunderstood. Hold on. Stay consistent in your worship amd know this will not last forever. We are all here for the purpose, see how you can use these experiences to help you grow. I hope that makes sense. Someone somewhere is waiting for you to be the blessing you were blessed to be by Allah’s design. Beautifully made. Please know you matter. You are worth living. You have a gift to give the world that only you can bring. Please don’t stay in the thoughts of self harm. When they show up in your mind just remember there is something great you were put here to do and make dua to ask for protection. In the most sisterly/auntie way please accept the biggest, tightest , firmest, supportive hug you can imagine. Im praying for your peace of mind and protection of your heart and soul.
A Friend
Assalamualaikum my dear sister!
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds really hard. The way you are responding to these hardships is really impressive, being patient is not easy! Allah says in the Quran in Surah Hud ayah 115, “And be patient; verily, Allah loses not the reward of the good-doers.” Keep responding with patience. Allah sees your efforts! You got this!
Having someone take your SIM card is very stressful, and even more so when you want to check your exam results. I am so so sorry this happened to you. What happened is not your fault at all. Are you able to view your results on a friend’s device?
What you are going through with your family is really difficult and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I really wish there was more I could do for you but I want you to know that you are in my duas. I want you to know that the way you are treated by other people is not your fault and does not define you. I see you and know that you are a strong beautiful person. I hope the advice the counselor provided for you is helpful!
Remember that you are worthy. Please, my dear sister, don’t carry your pain alone. Is there someone you can reach out to? Like a trusted person, counselor, or teacher? You are a special and valuable person who is worthy! Reaching out is a really brave thing to do, I’m really proud of you!
May Allah bring peace to your heart and family and bring ease to you!
With care,
From your sister in Islam
Peer support volunteer AB