Fear of being myself because of my environment
Salam. I hope you’re doing well.
I’m 19 years old, female and I currently work. I grew up in a very closed, judgmental environment where people are interested in the latest gossip and materialistic things. Doing anything that isn’t “normal” in the community is good gossip to talk about and is looked down upon. I grew up uninterested in those types of information. My interests as a younger girl lay somewhere else than about the latest politics about the teachers or whatever…. For that reason, I didn’t have a great social life at school. I didn’t do well at school academically either and I wasn’t able to properly graduate high school. I was always a very sweet person and especially when I was a kid, people would take advantage of my “sweetness”. AlHamdulillah I’ve been working on that, learning to stay sweet whilst respecting myself in a healthy manner.
I developed terrible attachment issues (presumably) because I didn’t feel loved by my parents. It’s like they didn’t love me the way that I needed love. I also developed a terrible fear of receiving gifts from people who really care about me, because I fear that they will use the money they have to buy something unnecessary instead of buying a necessity for me (presumably) because my basic needs are regularly not met….. (even though sometimes receiving gifts is a necessity…. But my fear is illogical).
I always went with what everyone else wanted, dressed like how my mother wanted, LIVED IN THE IMAGE OF HOW EVERYONE ELSE (which includes my parents and community) WANTED. It was never about me and even if it was, like I said before, my interests lay somewhere that most girls in my community weren’t interested in at that younger age.
I don’t know how to say this, but I want to act like me, talk like me, do things that I like, wear a “different” hijab style……. just be like me…… but no “here we wear our hair scarf like this and this is what you will do too”. “This is what we listen to…”, “this is what we do”, “this is how we act” (and btw it did result in a feeling of a community that is a box that you’re stuck in). Now, as a young woman, I find that I want to act like me, be like me, decide what I want to decide….. but I was never given a chance or even choice. I feel judged for wanting something (even the simple things).
The community I grew up in is a society where people want to look a certain way, dress to the nines is something people say “ohhh” to …. in a way that I find materialistic. They talk about the latest fashion styles and brands and the cool cars….. conversations that I don’t understand. I remember questioning myself when I was younger, thinking that I’m not really “girly” or feminine because I don’t understand to those stuff….. But alhamdulilah, many girls are not like that 🙂 It’s just the society where I grew up in….. What I find “fancy” and “cool” is not a chanel bag (I know that much:)) I like rhinestones, lace, flowers etc…. And that’s just the outside of it. I find that my society is a bit more cold… they aren’t mean, but just a bit colder, a bit more distant and they put up a “perfect show” for everyone they meet.
My family only likes the unique parts about me when it’s convenient. They like that my interests lay in cooking and cleaning because it’s helpful, but when it comes to my interest for example in learning a different language, my mother uses my knowledge to become friendly with people that speak that language. She asks me to converse with the person she met (who’s native language is abc), but she despises when I practice it at home. She hates my style of dress, my friends, my prayer style, my knowledge, my interests (unless it’s convenient for her)….. My community thinks I’m “different”, by the way I greet people, act, dress. It’s not that I’m doing immoral things….. I’m not consuming alcohol. I try my best not to talk bad about others. I wear modest clothes…… Problem is, I do do stuff that are bad according to the community (but still not immoral)… The fact that I’m “different” to this “community” is what makes my parents judge me and it bothers them. They only like me when I cook. They only like me when I clean. Their dream is for me to be just like everyone else! But I naturally can’t. I find that many other people outside of this community find me normal, just like any other girl. It’s only in this box that I’m looked at.
Honestly, I’ve come to hide many things especially from my mother who judges me most. She doesn’t know about my friends, she doesn’t know how I feel inside, she doesn’t know what makes me feel loved. She doesn’t know me. And neither does my family or community.
My parents are so on top of me, asking me where, when, how, why, with whom I’m going before I leave the house. They are so controlling. They don’t even care about some of my basic needs… only about the image and what other people will say. It got to the point where I just needed to get away from my house for a few hours to be on my own, to walk and feel the breeze. On my own. And I lied to my mother about it. Am I not 19 years old? Am I a baby that needs to reveal my day-to-day just to get by? Why is it normal that I need to lie to my mother about going to a different city for some alone-time? That’s such a normal and healthy thing for a 19 year old girl to want. People are already asking me about marriage… like what are they, dumb? According to them, how can I get married if they need to watch every step that I take as if I’m at a daycare? As if I’m a baby who cannot make a decision on her own.
My parents also didn’t take initiative to speak to be about how my body will go from a “girl” to a “woman” and all the “grow up” talks that had to be self taught. For that I am upset at them for, because their role is to train me…. and they didn’t. Just like I try my best to do my role best as a daughter, shouldn’t they do theirs? I know this is all the plan of Allah and self taught is a blessing, but it did have me go through painful situations that could have been avoided if I had the training (even though alHamdulillah it has given me life experience)…. the simple training of being a healthy human alHamdulillah. Are parents always right and do I always have to do what they dream of if it just doesn’t go for me?
When I dream of myself when I’m free, I imagine myself in a kitchen with a home of loving environment. I wear a long beautiful flowy hair scarf and I’m cooking for guests. I welcome the guests, shaking their hand in greeting and giving/receiving gentle touches…. My feet are bare, just connecting with nature…. I almost feel it when I write it. Is it wrong?
I feel like my environment is bringing me down, especially because on top of this I have other regular life issues that I need to deal with and I don’t have time for senselessness. It’s making me think disrespectful about my parents, towards my community because all I have to do is act like a robot to get by. It makes me feel suffocated. It makes me think that if I don’t get out now, I will either pass out or disassociate myself from anything and everything, I’ll be a robot of the community instead of an amatAllah and one day I’ll just crash (maybe I did already? May Allah help).
I’m here now. I haven’t disassociated myself yet. I still feel like there’s a small spark that can still be lit. I must get out of here…. I’m suffocating. Before the spark dies down and there’s nothing to light that fire with again. A fire to go down for sujoud. A fire to nurture. A fire to be a unique person and live the unique story that Allah has in plan for me.
I get advice to have a “secret self”, to have a “private me” until I could express it when I reach a healthy environment. But that has maxed out already since I’ve already had those thoughts for some time….. I need help. I need to be able to express myself.
I get advice to talk about it with my parents, but that doesn’t work. They discourage me from being me and my mother turns those conversations against me. It pains them to see me different than how they imagined me to be. (Just for reference I have sisters who are really making my parents proud. They understand to the unspoken rules, marry the perfect men, have academic certifications etc…. I just couldn’t be that….. I guess Allah chose something else for me).
I get advice to move in with a relative, but they’re all part of living in/next to the same community!
I get advice to “find” a community, “find” a group of people who support me…. I can do that, but it has to be part of Allah’s plan too, and right now it doesn’t seem like it is.
What do I do? Where do I go? I have sought advice already from a couple people, but they couldn’t help me, besides their very much needed support! Is this the type of question you go to the community Imam for? Like where do I go? I’m at a brick wall. What does Allah want?
I also want to thank you for the work you do. I have read through some questions and stories and it has given me insight. Thank you. May Allah bless.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu dear Sister,
What you’re describing isn’t small it’s the tension between who you are and who you’ve been allowed to be. And that kind of pressure, especially over the years, really can make someone feel like they’re suffocating. So your reaction makes sense. You are not wrong for wanting to be yourself. And also wanting individuality is not disobedience to Allah. What’s actually happening here is you’ve grown up in an environment where Image is the authenticity. That kind of system often labels “different” as “wrong,” even when nothing immoral is happening. But in Islam, the standard isn’t Culture. The standard is Deen and from what you’ve described that you care about modesty, you avoid harmful behaviors, you’re trying to stay connected to Allah. So the issue isn’t that you’re doing something haram, the issue is that you’re not fitting a social mold. Those are two very different things.
About your parents, you asked something really important: “Are parents always right? Do I always have to live their dream? “In Islam, you must respect your parents. But you are not required to obey them in everything, especially when it comes to your personal identity, preferences, and life direction as long as you are not disobeying Allah. Your parents seem driven by fear of judgment and a desire for social approval. A fixed idea of what a “good daughter” looks like…That doesn’t make them evil. But it does mean their expectations are limited. And if you try to shrink yourself to fit that, you’ll slowly disappear inside. I know you’re not trying to rebel. You’re trying to exist. You want a softer, warmer way of living. Meaningful connection. Simplicity over materialism. A personal relationship with your identity and with Allah. That’s really good. That image you described cooking, welcoming, gentle, grounded that’s not wrong. That’s actually beautifully human.
The problem is you’ve never been given space to be that person out loud. Try to build quiet independence. Not rebellion. Not confrontation. Just steady growth. Keep working. Save money (even small amounts). Build skills (language, work skills, education if possible)
This is your path to actual freedom, not just emotional relief. Reduce unnecessary conflict. You’ve already seen that talking to your parents directly doesn’t help. So stop trying to get their approval for your identity. Share less where needed (this is not betrayal, it’s self-protection).Stay respectful, but internally detach from their expectations. You don’t need to win their understanding right now. Since you can’t fully express yourself at home yet, Go for those walks (safely), Journal your thoughts, Dress how you like within what’s possible. Connect with people who don’t box you in (even if slowly).
You don’t need full freedom to start being yourself .You need consistent small expressions of self. About lying to go out.You asked this indirectly.
Ideally, honesty is best.But in controlling environments, people sometimes hide things to protect themselves.
The goal isn’t to become comfortable lying ,the goal is to reach a place where you don’t need to. That comes with independence.
You should honor your parents but also grow into yourself in a halal way. But honestly, what you need right now is less “religious ruling” and more life navigation. You mentioned about the pain with your parents. You’re hurt. Not feeling understood. Not feeling seen.
Not being guided when you needed it. That leaves a mark. And it’s okay to acknowledge it without turning it into hatred. You can still honor them without letting them define you.
So the goal right now is not dramatic change. It’s to protect the spark. Grow it quietly. Build your way out with intention.
Right now, your identity exists mostly in your head. We’re making it solid and real. You don’t need to fight your parents to become free. Start practicing they don’t understand me and that’s okay for now. Stop trying to convince them. Stop expecting validation from them. This alone will reduce a lot of pain. Keep peace at home strategically. Not fake. Just wise. Do what avoids unnecessary conflict. Help out where needed (you already do this well).Don’t overshare things they will criticize. Slight changes in how you dress within what’s allowed in our religion. Go for walks as you’ve been doing that’s actually very healthy. Listen, learn, explore your interests quietly. Practice decision-making. You weren’t allowed to make choices growing up.
You already tried explaining, opening up….Hoping they understand. It didn’t work. So now you switch strategy not emotional, but intentional. The goal is not to change them. But is protect your peace while still respecting them. You’re doing something very hard but very real. You’re not behind or not wrong. You’re not less than your sisters. You’re just on a path that requires more courage because you have to discover yourself while others are already conforming. That’s harder. But it’s also more real. May Allah ease your hardship. Aameen.
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/culture/
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