I don’t know whats wrong with me
Salam,
I’m a 14 year old girl, and there are so many things wrong with me and I have so many worries but I CAN’T FIGURE THEM OUT.
Ever since I was young I’ve been hyper-aware of myself and very self conscious of every thought, impulsion, situation, and I’m good at analysing problems. This might be because of my family, who have been constant fighters for as long as I’ve known. I’ve come to a conclusion that seeing my parents fight over small things, and trying to over analyse and overthink and figure out solutions, sometimes keeping me up from sleep when I was at such a young age turned me into this paranoid beast who wont stop running away from something that isn’t even there. And I would reach the right solutions as well. Now I know to understand people by their personality and how much they reveal about themselves. I had real, adult-sounding solutions to talk to my parents and family to fix things but nothing would work, because I was just a young girl. No one would ever listen to me, no matter how much I made sense. So now I keep to myself, analysing with my mouth shut. I slowly became a people pleaser and tried to make everyone happy all the time, and it would make me happy too. And I feel like my mother is the base of my emotional pain but I won’t talk about her. I can’t really trust her with sensitive topics (unless its on text). As a child I would get attached to things that would bother me, in this case it was all the LGBTQ stuff going on at my public school, and then I would obsess over them and try to figure it out. Figure out why I was confused, figure out how to make all the craziness stop, figure out how to fix it by myself. That time of my life is something I laugh about now, but it was very real then. It was horrible. I could not sleep I felt guilty about every single thing I didn’t want to even look at anyone the same gender as me because I would get anxious and start questioning myself. I would report back to my dad with every intrusive thought I had and I would feel so guilty and drained if I didn’t. I am so so blessed to have a father who I can talk to openly about anything at all. He never made me feel more guilty. He would smile, and calmly tell me all the reasons I didnt need to worry. One time he told me I needed to start talking to my mother about what was bothering me too, so I tried. I can’t remember exactly how she reacted but she kind of shunned it off or asked me to go do something else, or screamed at me. I’ve never talked to her about anything since then. All of this happened when I was 8 years old but up till now I still feel like I can’t rely on my mother as a mother. I’m like an annoying scratch on her back that she can’t reach. She already knows how she treats me and she says I don’t love her, and she’s cried many nights and days because of it. I feel horrible to say I don’t really feel anything towards her. She’s just someone I see at home sometimes.
This whole debacle of OCD that I experienced since I was young changed my parents whole perspective on schooling and Western countries. They moved their planning of future houses and suburbs and high schools just so me and my four year old sister could have a bright and steady future. I now go to a Muslim high school, but the OCD will always come in other ways.
It all started again since this years Ramadan. Since my family is not that religious, I never developed much of the basic habits I should have as a muslimah. I went from never praying to 5 times a day Alhamdulillah, but that is not where my stress has been on. Now that I’m typing this, I don’t even KNOW what the problem was or where it came from or how I even thought of it. But I was trying to cram in information of our deen all at once, a plan to become the best person I could be at the quickest rate. lectures, reading, hadith study, tadabbur, enrolling in programs, videos, podcasts, time stamps, note taking. I was so busy planning I didn’t get anything done. I wanted the philosophy and wisdom to just fix it, myself, fix my life, fix my personality, everything but I couldn’t and I still can’t. It did bring me closer to Allah but it lasted around 4 months and every drop of care and hope has been squeezed out of me. Now I feel disconnected, dull, I cry when I’m by myself and I don’t even know why everything feels silent and pointless and I have no one to rely on because I need to do it myself. My parents probably would consider therapy for me if I ask them but they will just tell me ‘ok’ and then stretch out the waiting until they think I’ve forgotten about it. Now my current dilemma is just worrying about the future. I am petrified of the consequences of my mistakes and equally terrified of all the things I don’t know. I know I’m human, and that we are not perfect, but I want to live a life that I’m proud of and that my parents are proud of, I don’t want to regret spending my youth by wasting time. I could memorise the Quran in that time. I could learn SO MUCH in that time. But I never will, and I can’t help but feel everything I’ve gone through are all factors that make me arrogant, fakely self-confident, hypocritical, and everything I didn’t want to be. Everything that I wanted to fix, avoid, all the bad qualities, I feel like I have them anyways. I can see them in myself when I’m at school, when I’m on the verge of hating a close friend, when I’m jealous of someone for something, when I’m scared I’ll get exposed for my psychotic ways, when I see all these people online finding something that I’m craving but I don’t know what. Is it peace? Is it love? I don’t know. I’m even scared of making posts like this in case I accidentally use manipulating words and they give me info that will make me even more self absorbed. I’ve given up on writing all this because I feel like this doesn’t reflect anything. Maybe a little. I feel like I haven’t said enough or explained clearly, and no amount of paragraphs can encase the pain I was dealing with or the disgust, guilt, annoyance, and exhaustion I feel towards myself and unfortunately towards others. This is not the full story. Jazak Allah Khairun in advance, thank you if you respond
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Wa Alaikum Salam dear sister,
I can see that you’re facing a lot right now, and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. Remember, you are not alone in this, and you are definitely not broken. It sounds like you’ve been juggling a lot, and it’s okay to take a step back.From everything you shared, a few things stand out: you’ve carried too much responsibility on your shoulders as a child, you’ve been trying to “fix” things that were never yours to fix, and you’ve been pushing yourself to be perfect in faith and life too quickly. That’s exhausting for anyone, especially someone your age.
Consider taking small, manageable steps to help bring some balance into your life. Here are a few suggestions:
1. **Establish a Routine**: Begin by praying Fajr on time.
2. **Engage with the Qur’an**: Aim to read 1-2 ayahs each day, even if it’s just a small portion.
3. **Practice Gratitude**: Write down one thing you’re grateful for each day.
4. **Move Your Body**: Spend at least 10 minutes outside or doing some light exercise during the day.
5. **Take Breathers**: If school feels overwhelming, pause for a moment and take 5 deep breaths to center yourself.
6. **Evening Reflection**: Pray Maghrib/Isha with focus in the evenings.
7. **Journaling**: Before bed, write in your journal about one worry and one positive thing that happened that day.
8. **Make Dua**: Conclude your day with a short dua: “Ya Allah, ease my heart and guide me.”
By incorporating these small habits gradually, you can create a sense of calm without the pressure to be perfect. Consistent small steps are meaningful, and Allah appreciates our efforts.When you feel disconnected, don’t panic ,faith naturally rises and falls. Just keep turning back to Allah with small acts and dua.
I can hear how much you appreciate your father’s calm and support ,Alhamdulillah, that’s a blessing. Keep turning to him when you need someone to talk to.With your mother, I know it feels painful to not have the connection you wish for. Please know that this doesn’t mean you are unlovable or that something is wrong with you. Sometimes parents struggle to show love in the way we need. For now, showing her basic respect and kindness is enough.Also, it’s important to remember that your parents’ challenges aren’t yours to solve. You deserve to simply enjoy being 14. If you feel comfortable, try discussing the idea of therapy with your parents again, as additional support could be very beneficial.
You’re doing your best, and Allah recognizes every effort you make.That alone should be making you proud of!!
From Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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