Rage in relationships

Assalamu alaikum,
I am a 22 year old woman, and I have been struggling a lot with rage in the context of my relationships, in the sense of letting it coexist in my relationship without feeling like the relationship might end, and a lot of it ties back to my own experiences growing up. I was heavily abused growing up physically abused when I made mistakes, emotionally abused when I was acting childish at literally the age of 8 instead of acting like an adult, and financially abused. Some of the abuse is still ongoing unfortunately, the emotional and financial abuse, particularly from my father’s end.

So, growing up by the same people who caused my pain, I’ve been convinced that I have severe anger issues that need managing, and to be honest, that’s where my obsession for self-improvement and self-growth started. Initially, it was rooted in me not accepting myself, believing I had to be a better mold because my human self, which is messy and has wounds, is not deserving of love. And though I do still feel like I’m undeserving of love because this wound runs deep for me, it isn’t just from my parents. My whole entire life, from middle school onward I’ve been bullied by peers and teachers alike for being the only Muslimah and the only immigrant, and I was even touched by my teacher at some point, who laid his hand on me. So everywhere I went, I just received this message that so far hasn’t been proven otherwise.

Though I don’t feel deserving of love, I stopped approaching self-growth from the lens of self-punishment or self-hatred, but rather from expansion that I have so much potential.

In my friendship with my friend right now, I have realized and come to the conclusion that me and her have different styles when it comes to how we process pain and we approach things differently, and that’s completely valid. I have accepted our case of misalignment, and for protecting myself, I stopped confiding in her when it comes to deep stuff. I have made my peace with it as I’m grieving it. However, I didn’t expect that a surface level thing would have me on edge.

One day, as I was chatting with her, I told her how my mom pisses me off, how she is telling me to be on my best behavior because my niece noticed my mood swings and she is asking why I am one minute happy and the next minute sad. That is because of my depression and dissociation. I suffer from the severity of it, it just happens mid convo with someone. I get so cold and withdrawn, and I’m just observing as life passes me by. That angered me when my mom said it because, once again, they want me to be palatable and molded into this perfect version that they can accept. Usually, I learned to pick my battles. I don’t fight them. I just let them trigger me and try to regulate myself. But I am human, and when I go through this almost every day, I am on the edge of snapping daily, and I can hardly contain myself. So I told my mom that I will do as I please and I won’t try to be perfect because no one is. I told her I’ll use this moment as a bonding and learning experience with my niece to show her that, as humans, we are allowed to have bad days and we won’t always be happy. What message would it send her if I were to show her that I’m always supposed to be happy and can’t be sad? She is just experiencing the world for the first time and is confused and highly attuned, and I’m going to show her that it’s normal and independent of her presence, in case she feels like when she comes over she makes me split, which isn’t the case. My mental health has gotten so bad that I just split with other people, and it happens randomly. I can’t predict it.

So when I shared this with my friend, she told me, “I understand where you’re coming from. This can be frustrating. I get it, but at the end of the day you have to remember that she’s your mother, and you still have to obey her.” When she said that, I had to obey her, that angered me to such a severe extent that I started to see red. Then I went ahead and told her the following: I understand where you’re coming from, but I just want to let you know that I don’t really like to be reminded about my duty towards my parents, as it has been nothing but a painful experience. Therefore, I’ve detached from this part of my religion because if I were to focus on it, it would literally drive me away from Allah as it once did in the past, and I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I tend to just not focus on it.

I also told her that my duty toward my parents is exhausting me because it only makes me feel like this world is all about it. I’ve been experiencing this my whole life, and I’m 22 now. I literally haven’t had a taste of life beyond it. I don’t even know what it’s like to not exist in fear for your life, like disappointing them or your parents insulting you

She responded, “Yeah, I get what you’re coming from. You have to remember that everything is a balance. Not everything is all bad, not everything is all good. It’s a balance, and we have to do our best to please God. When you do your best, God is pleased with you. That’s all that matters.” She went on to say, “I really don’t say it in a bad type of way. Our parents have so many responsibilities, but we only have to obey them, and that’s really not a lot in comparison.” Just like that, it hurt me even further. Then she added, “I know you might not like to hear these things, but I wouldn’t be a true friend if I didn’t tell you. I might not say things that you like, but I feel like you need to hear it because I care more about you.”

This hurt me severely on so many levels. It hurt because this time I did not confide in her. I was just sharing a daily frustration. I had already come to the conclusion that she is not the kind of person who has the capacity for me. I accepted it and did not try to fight reality. I did not try to change her.
There are deeper things that I would share with someone else, but what I shared with her was a daily frustration literally, I was engaged in a conversation with her and sharing a daily frustration about my mom. I did not expect it to go much deeper.

Another thing that hurt me, which causes so much rage within me, is how I responded. I told her, “Yes, I understand where you’re coming from. I got your perspective, but I am deeply hurt by what you said,” and explained why I was hurt. I approached it from a perspective of trying to co regulate because that’s how I approach relationships. I open up in a controlled way to invite someone into my space to witness my pain, not to be invalidated or given advice. But I didn’t realize that, with someone like her, this can inadvertently cue them to analyze me, which caused further distress. As opposed to simply shutting it down and stating it as a boundary saying, “This is it, and I won’t accept you offering me advice”

I take responsibility for this. It took me literally three weeks to realize that I struggle with making and upholding boundaries. Healing isn’t linear, and I’m trying to be self compassionate. In the past, I didn’t even know I had boundaries. Then I transitioned into recognizing that I felt anger but wasn’t voicing it. Now I am aware, but I bring it forward in a filtered way, expressing rage in a controlled way.

The unfiltered way I wish I had expressed to her is: “I am deeply hurt and disappointed. I didn’t expect this from you. Me and you share empathy as a common value, and I trusted you. Hearing these words from you was the last thing I had envisioned and now you make me feel like I have to be on edge and to defend myself” My rage isn’t only about her, it’s about old wounds. I’m trying to let it exist, but it’s messy. My nervous system pulls me in two directions: one side wants to assert myself, the other fears losing connection.

The thing I noticed about starting to feel rage and subtly expressing it, after not being allowed to feel it, is that it’s so messy and comes in waves. When you let yourself have even a flicker of it, you want to let it all out but at the same time, you literally can’t. The self restraint is chaining you.

I felt belittled because her words echoed past experiences where my pain was deemed too much, invalid, or worthless. Another comment that hurt me was when she said our parents have more responsibilities and we just have to submit to them. It felt like silencing my truth. Being a parent is a conscious choice, not something accidental, and my parents were fully aware of their responsibilities. Her words cut deeply. I didn’t expect that I would have to defend myself now.

The ironic thing is that she is someone who has been through the same pain with her parents, so much so that she told me when she was 11 she was ready to end it all. And yet, here she is, offering the same kind of words to me. It feels like such a mismatch. On one hand, I know that she is someone who processes the world through a spiritual lens, tying everything back to worship and God, viewing submission to Him as the ultimate goal, and understanding this life as full of obstacles. That’s how she processes her pain. I know she came to this conclusion on her own, no one rushed her. She detached from it herself.

So I am so deeply hurt that she’s trying to impose it onto me, telling me that I need to hear this when she knows it’s the last thing I need. It’s not that I am not ready, it’s that I’m severely burnt out from living this every single day. Logically, I already know this. I am detached from my parents and focused on submitting to God. But when this is your reality every single day, it drains your soul. It drains your body, the body meant to be a vessel for worship. Some days, it even makes worship harder for me. I’m so angry that my experience pushes me away from God.

It’s not about the logic. It’s about the fact that this is my daily life, and I never seem to have a moment free. It has gotten so bad that nowadays I find myself counting down the time until my father might die, thinking maybe then it would be easier to breathe, easier to live. And with that comes an immense amount of guilt, why would I wish for his death? I know I would be sad too. But this is the only way I can imagine escaping him.

Another thing that hurt me was when she told me, “I won’t say what you like to hear, but I’ll say what you need to hear.” That hurt because the message felt like she is straight up telling me that she is not a safe space for me, or that what I had to say wasn’t valid. It felt dismissive, invalid, and unnecessary. I felt like belittled a child, stripped of authority over my own feelings. I wanted to yell at her: Why are you treating me like I’m a child? I’m an adult. If I can come to you and share my pain, inviting you into my space, what makes you think I’m incapable of expressing when I need advice or support?

I was so angry because people often feel they have the right to offer advice when it’s neither asked for nor appropriate. They don’t know my life, what I experience every day. Advice has so often been weaponized against me, making me feel unsafe or invalidated. I want to receive advice, but only on my own terms, in a way that respects my experience. Instead, it often feels like an imposition: “You need to do this. You need to do that.” I felt profoundly belittled in that moment.

My brain is hyper relational, it remembers every detail. A week before this conflict, she and I were talking about relationships and how people can get defensive, building walls that prevent them from hearing others. So in that moment, I realized she might have assumed I was defensive, ego-driven, and unwilling to hear her. I responded: I’m not driven by my ego. I’m driven by my soul. I strive to reach my highest self, al-nafs al-mutmainaah, and I consciously keep my ego in check. This is how I feel closest to God and how I try to live my life, guided by His attributes.

I told her that it wasn’t ego it was that what she said hurt me because it reopened old wounds. She apologized, and I think she understood, but the damage had already been done. I entered a severe, cold, detached state because, in that moment, the hurt had already landed. Understanding or apologies at that point couldn’t undo it.

The paradox of it all is that I notice how my brain works in these moments. When a disagreement or conflict happens, I automatically enter a relational, co regulative state. Like anyone else, I have my own wounds and defenses I feel them, but the difference is that I don’t let them show in my actions. That’s what I meant when I told my friend I’m soul driven, not ego driven.

When I’m in a discussion, disagreement, or conflict, my brain naturally shifts into understanding. I embody so much mercy in these moments that it’s almost automatic, it isn’t a conscious choice, it just happens. Especially during conflict, I remain soft and intentional in holding space, which sometimes annoys me about myself.

In that moment, I realized that I approach conflict with the mentality of opening up so the other person can witness my pain, while I also hope to witness theirs. For me, it’s about holding space for one another. It’s not about proving who is right or wrong, it’s about finding a middle ground where both of us are heard, both of us are acknowledged, and both of us feel seen. I don’t frame it as “me vs you” but rather us mentality

I notice that my self restraint is so strong that I literally can’t let out my rage. At the same time, I don’t want to discredit the part of myself that approaches things softly, because I know that softness is part of who I am. I realize trauma may have amplified this trait, making it hyper attuned, but it’s still part of me, just like my rage. I don’t yet know how to let both exist together. When I let my rage out in a filtered way, it actually makes me feel more rage. And when I imagine fully unleashing it, letting my mercy step aside, which is impossible because of my self restraint. I feel miserable and can’t even fathom doing it.

This is the headspace I’m in right now. I very much love my friend, and I can hold many truths in my heart at the same time. I like to carry my heart as I carry the name of God, the All-Encompassing One. Just as Allah’s mercy encompasses so many things, I like to think that my heart can encompass many things too. Right now, I’m allowing my rage to exist while also holding onto my love for my friend. I love her, and the rage I feel towards her doesn’t erase that love, and vice versa. I don’t see her as all bad. I see her as human. I don’t feel the urge to attack her character or belittle her.

I feel so much rage and hurt, but I don’t feel the need to retaliate, to become defensive, or to use her experiences or pain against her. Growing up, I saw people weaponize my pain against me, and I was told by a counselor that I was doomed to repeat patterns unless I did therapy. I haven’t started therapy yet, but Inshallah, I’ll begin next month. What surprises me most is that, despite having no professional guidance yet, I’m not repeating those patterns. I’m able to hold space for the fact that I’m hurt without letting it turn me cruel.

When I engage with her, my brain recognizes the echoes of the hurt, but my heart still allows love to flow. My love for her isn’t withheld just because she hurt me. I’m in a very intricate space where I want to let my rage exist in relationships, but I don’t yet know what that looks like. It feels unknown, scary, it might cost me connections but at the same time, I feel like I need to do it for myself. Yet my self restraint is so strong that it holds me back. That’s where I’m at right now.

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