Navigating relationships for the purpose of marriage

Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu my dear Sister,

Thank you for opening up and sharing all of this. I can tell you’re being very thoughtful, intentional, and cautious about this stage of your life, which is a really good sign. Maa Shaa Allah!!

Islam encourages that interactions between non-mahram men and women be purposeful, respectful, and within limits. So, if your intention is marriage, talking with him to get to know each other with the intention of nikah can be okay as long as you keep it halal (no flirting, no unnecessary late-night talks, no emotional intimacy that crosses boundaries). Ideally, scholars recommend involving a wali early, not necessarily so your parents “decide” for you, but so that things stay transparent and you don’t end up emotionally attached before finding out important details. Since you want to talk for a short time to see if it’s even worth bringing to them, that’s understandable but don’t delay too long. Emotions grow fast. Maybe set yourself a timeline and then, if it feels promising, involve your parents.

In Islam, you are not bound until Nikah. So, technically it’s not haram to speak with more than one guy for marriage purposes. But practically, it can be confusing and emotionally draining. Most people find it easier to focus on one conversation at a time so they can evaluate properly without feeling guilty or distracted.

You can’t truly know someone until you’ve seen them in different settings and under pressure. You already learned that from your ex-best-friend situation. So, if things move forward, plan to meet him in real life with family involved.

Regarding the age difference: Two years isn’t a big difference, but maturity levels can matter. Ask yourself: is he responsible, financially stable and serious about marriage  or is he still in “figuring out life” mode? Adoption is fine (with some rules about lineage), but culturally it may raise questions. You can think ahead about how to frame this if you present him to your parents. The bigger question: how does he view family? Does he value elders, family ties, community.

Physical attraction matters, but it doesn’t have to be exactly how you “imagined” it. Because in marriage, love and attraction often deepen with time when the foundation (deen, character, compatibility) is strong. There are some areas you can explore before involving your parents, importantly  “Deen”, how does he practice his faith daily? How does he want Islam to be part of his family life? What are his views on raising kids Islamically? What does he expect from his wife in terms of household, career, family life? How does he feel about his wife working? What role does he see himself playing as a husband (provider, decision-maker, partner)What’s his plan for financial stability? Does he have debts or obligations? Is he comfortable budgeting and living within means? How does he want to handle in-law relationships? What’s his vision of a healthy marriage? How does he deal with disagreements? What makes him angry? How does he calm down after conflict? Where does he want to live long-term?

Like those factors keep conversations purposeful and limited in time. If he seems serious and compatible, involve your parents sooner rather than later even if just to say, “I’ve been speaking to someone who might be a good match, can you help me evaluate?” If your parents are skeptical, remember that your lived experience with him matters, but their wisdom does too.

There are some red flags to keep in mind when you’re evaluating a potential spouse. These don’t always mean “run away immediately,” but they’re signs you should pause and look more closely: Says he’s Muslim but doesn’t pray, fast, or care much about practicing. Dismisses or makes excuses when you bring up Islamic boundaries. Talks negatively about scholars, parents, or the deen in general. Gets angry quickly or struggles to control temper. Blames others constantly and avoids taking responsibility. Makes jokes that are disrespectful, or belittles you/others. Doesn’t apologize when wrong, ignores your questions or changes the subject when asked serious things. Inconsistent: sometimes talks a lot, then disappears without explanation. Pushes you to rush into things (emotional or physical) too quickly. Doesn’t respect your boundaries when you set them. Has no plan for career/education/financial stability, and isn’t actively working toward one. Overly dependent on parents or friends, no independence. Hides important details (family situation, debts, past relationships, etc.).Sees marriage only as romance, not responsibility. Talks down about women’s roles or has unrealistic expectations (like wife doing everything alone). Isn’t willing to compromise or discuss differences. Doesn’t have clarity on where he wants to live, how many kids, or other big life choices or refuses to talk about them. Keeps making excuses when you suggest involving parents. Wants to keep the relationship secret. Is overly focused on looks or flirty talk instead of deen, values, and compatibility.


If he’s serious about marriage, he should be transparent, respectful, consistent, and open to involving families at the right time… In Shaa Allah!!
May Allah guide you to what is best for your Dunya and Akhirah, grant you a husband who is a garment for you and you for him and give you barakah in your journey!! Aameen!!


Warm regards,

 From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Walaykum assalam my dear sister,

It is wonderful to hear that you are actively engaged in the process of finding your spouse and are seeking some advice and general guidelines for this process. May Allah make it easy for you to find your other half. I, too, am familiar with some of the struggles and inexperience of searching for a spouse and I wanted to share some tips that I have learned through my journey.

You may have heard a number of times that in Islam our actions are judged by our intentions. When it comes to searching for a spouse, it is incredibly important that we go into it with the best intentions and are consistently aware of what it is that we are trying to achieve. Many times, we think of marriage as a solution to our need for companionship or physical desire that Allah has placed in us. Often though, we don’t give enough thought that marriage is the building block for society. Allah has given us this trust of finding not just a good spouse for ourselves but also for our future generations, insha’Allah. Thinking about the larger picture of marriage can help to be more intentional in the process and avoid common traps that people fall into. This isn’t to say that physical attraction or connection isn’t important, they are. However, if one is to think of marriage as a body, focusing on physical attraction or emotional connection would be like focusing on one part of the figure. There are many other working parts of marriage that contribute to the life and health of the body.

Ask yourself, Can I be at peace with this person? Do they make me feel safe and comfortable? Is this person someone who I can trust to lead my family with faith, sincerity and compassion? There are many questions to consider for your future and your future children as well, insha’Allah.

I also wanted to mention how it is good to hear that you do know what your standards are and feel that you have a good idea of who you are. Both of these are highly crucial not just for the marriage process but also for your own personal growth and development, both of which do not stop after marriage. In my experience though, emotional attachment can be something that is quick to develop. After all, every human needs to feel wanted, appreciated, respected, loved and valued. However, our emotions can cloud our thoughts and manipulate these natural desires. It is only later on that we might realize that the connection I thought was there was just the emotions taking hold of the situation. Having your wali/family involved earlier on can help to mitigate some of these possible pitfalls as they are likely to be able to get a sense of the potential spouse and their intentions for the relationship and one is less likely to have developed an emotional attachment to the other individual. There are many stories out there of sisters who have become attached to a potential only for them to find out that their wali doesn’t approve and sometimes for valid reasons.

Remember my sister, try your best to be intentional throughout the process. Don’t be afraid to ask for your family’s opinion on the matter as our parents generally want the best for us and would want to see us married to someone who brings joy to our lives. Keep making dua to Allah to guide your heart to where it should be.

May Allah bless you with a wonderful spouse and family who will be the coolness of your eyes here and in Jannah Firdous.

All the Best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL