Academics/Future

I’m not sure how to structure this, but I’ll begin by saying I just saw a post saying that maybe if you’re doing badly in exams, it’s because Allah is protecting you from a degree that could lead to harm for you, and that’s what made me decide to write this.

So, my situation is that I’m going to finish school soon in sha Allah, and then I’ll have to go off to uni – which I’m actually super excited for. But the issue is my course. The only thing I am interested in doing is something about Islam. I do like science and whatever, but I don’t want to do it at uni. I want to study the religion. And realistically, there is literally *no* reason why this should be a problem for my Muslim family, for *the same people who raised me on the deen in the first place*. However, they and other people (adults) around me want me to do science, claiming that it’s for job security (and since when were Muslim women required to work?°), but I believe it’s just because they want me to fulfil certain dreams of theirs, even if it’s not even slightly what I want, and would in fact probably destroy my mental health. I feel like this has something to do with their age, too; not inherently that these people who are against my plans are like this because of their age itself, but because of the way the world was in their eyes growing up. They didn’t know about the oppression of the Muslims the way we do today at our age, for example, so their very cores were not built around this knowledge (cos they were already done developing when they learnt the full proper details), so they don’t even understand how disgusted it makes me feel when they tell me there’s no point trying to do this kind of stuff for the Muslims (especially as a woman) when I can help the Muslims by being a doctor instead. We already have like a billion doctors! Everyone has made their child a doctor! And how many people of knowledge are there? How deviant is our Ummah? The Muslims are suffering as a DIRECT RESULT of our sins. How can we improve without knowledge? I’m not saying people shouldn’t become doctors – power to them, I support that noble profession – but we ALSO need people in other professions, and what I want to do is also still *good*, versus how I absolutely do not at all want to do what everyone else wants me to do (and the more they try to pressure me, the less I want to listen to them). But at the same time, my siblings have made fun of my plans, and they’re close to my age, so maybe it’s not generational… I don’t know, the other day I just thought that, like, Allah made this a real test for me, because like not only do people not support it, but I’m actively being mocked for it (I do have some Muslim friends who think my plan is cool, but I’m not that close to them yet and also at the end of the day, they’re not going to be the ones paying my uni fees).

Since I don’t want to do these subjects in uni, my school grades (science subjects) have kind of fallen, not as anything intentional on my part, but because I just physically cannot force myself to work harder on something so *useless* to me (at the end of the day, grade requirements for Islamic subjects are low since no one is applying to uni having studied Islamic stuff at school, so, like, a Chemistry grade doesn’t reflect someone’s potential in Shari’ah all that well), even if I intend to try. I just can’t. It just doesn’t happen. (I also suspect that I have ADHD, but I can’t get a diagnosis cos my parents won’t take me suggesting this seriously.) Also, I recently started thinking that maybe it’s a good thing to not do so well, because then I can’t be forced into science because it will become, like, less of an easy/obvious option if I actually didn’t do to well in it at school. I feel like an imposter or something for thinking this, because for my entire life, my self-worth has hinged on my academic achievements… but I also strongly value, you know, defending your own rights and stuff like that, even if the methods seem a little extreme (I mean, like, if it’s not anything haraam…).
So back to that post I saw: despite my disappointment in my grades, maybe this means something? Maybe I’m being told that it’s okay, and things will be okay? Obviously only Allah knows, but I wonder if there is something in this. I guess I’m wondering if I should share this point with my family too so they realise that this isn’t the big deal they think it is.

But it’s just so frustrating that no one wants to let me decide on my own future. I remember reading something once that said something along the lines of, ‘Adults teach you to stand up for what you believe in until what you believe in goes against what they believe,’ and it feels like the situation is similar here. My parents are Muslim, but they’d rather I was studying something other than Islam? I think there’s an element of desperation with me as well because they failed to get doctor children from my elder siblings and I’m the youngest (the others are still in the sciences though). And it’s ridiculous. Then there’s my teacher who’s spent like two years trying to convince me I should study her subject cos she believes I’d be good at it (ma sha Allah)… (She’s not even a Muslim, so I don’t even know how to explain myself to her – but also, why should I have to explain my plans to some random lady?) Like, one person wants me to do genetics, another wants me to do astrophysics, and so on, with no one wanting me to just do what I actually want to do (don’t get me wrong, some of those other subjects are fascinating, but again, not what I want to actually work to get a degree in). Do I not get a say in my own life, which I will have to live for however many more years Allah has decreed for me to remain in this dunya? Maybe all of these other people will be dead before I’ve graduated uni, and then what was the benefit of any of this for them?

I feel like I should’ve written this in the earlier paragraphs, but I feel like I’m being used. So of course my grades are going to drop, if good grades (ma sha Allah) mean my parents will tell all my relatives what I got without considering whether I want this or not (they did this before and I DIDN’T want to share my grades, but they didn’t ask me and then talked about those conversations like they were just natural and I wasn’t meant to get offended that they did this without my permission, but they didn’t tell me my brother’s grades because it was up to him whether I should know when he did badly… Like, hey, maybe my grades are falling because I got evil eye. And the argument that parents are proud of their kids in situations like this is ridiculous; I’m an actual human, I’m not their property to show off, they can be as proud as they want, but it’s up to me whether they can show this pride to everyone else), or that my school will use me for MARKETING purposes (again, I didn’t consent to having my face printed on a poster where everyone can see it, even if there were other, more obvious faces of the really really high achievers, nor did I consent to having my picture posted on social media… I actually feel violated by this), or if my teachers aren’t disappointed when I do badly for my sake but rather because of their own hopes not being fulfilled.

Anyway, I don’t really know what to do anymore, because any attempts at conversation with my parents regarding all this get ignored, cos they have this fixed image of science-y me in their heads and this is the future they are convinced of for me, so if I say anything else, it’s just an interest and a phase I guess and something that I’ll inevitably get out of when the time actually comes and I decide on science. And I’m a bit scared too because they’re the ones sending me to uni, so they could theoretically just… not send me for religious stuff.

°Finally, with regards to working. The only person who’s agreed with the whole ‘job’ argument my parents have presented is my kaafir teacher who wants me to study science, so of course she’d agree with that. The fact is, I have male relatives. And it’s not right for my parents to argue that we don’t know if they’ll treat me right, because aren’t they arguing against the Islamic ruling, then, implying we can’t be certain it’ll be enough for me? And maybe then they should worry about teaching my brothers, i.e. their children, about how they should be taking care of me *as is ordained in Islam*, instead of trying to force something random on me by essentially saying Islamic law won’t be sufficient to protect me. It’s actually crazy. Plus, marriage exists, and, like, I could just specifically marry a guy who is going to provide. I do want to get married, sincerely (not just for provision, but for the actual relationship), and I want to get married soon, but again – my parents are an obstacle. It’s recommended to marry young, and especially being a woman (I don’t need to worry about finances), I do think I’m ready, like, I’m Islamically an adult and we don’t need to be *fully* developed for marriage cos we will continue to grow in the marriage. But I feel like my parents view me as a small child and will continue to do so until I have, I don’t know, a Master’s or something. Which clearly puts me in this Catch-22 situation. My mum laughs when I talk about marrying young. And she says I shouldn’t be planning to rely on some guy, which is ridiculous because SHE DOESN’T WORK, my dad is her provider (and that’s totally fine!) – but she defends that with the fact that she did get a degree and worked before having kids. None of that would make her able to provide for herself now if she tried. And don’t get me wrong, I do actually want to work, but as, like, a hobby of sorts. Because it was ordained by God Himself that being the breadwinner is *not my responsibility* (well, except for exceptional circumstances that I am not in).

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