I fought with my best friend
I’m a 14-year-old Muslim girl seeking guidance about a friendship situation.
For the past two years, I’ve been best friends with another Muslim girl. During this time, I’ve struggled with feeling authentic in our friendship. I often feel drained and find myself people-pleasing – saying yes to everything she says, not being able to open up about my real thoughts, and sometimes not genuinely caring about what she’s telling me. Sometimes our friendship feels forced rather than natural, and I feel like a bad friend for having these feelings.
A year ago, she told me she liked a boy at school. I also liked the same boy but didn’t tell her. However, keeping this secret made all the friendship problems worse – I felt even more distant and fake, like I was living a lie.
Recently, I decided to tell her the truth, not because of the boy situation specifically, but because I felt our whole friendship was suffering from my inability to be genuine. I was hoping that being honest about this would open the door for us to address the other issues and have a more authentic relationship. Sometimes I feel like the boy in the relationship or like I have to take care of her emotions all the time because she gets upset easily.
When I told her, she said “I wish you had never told me” and suggested I should have kept it to myself forever. While I don’t think she meant for me to suffer, that’s essentially what she was saying – that I should have continued carrying this burden alone so she could remain comfortable and unaffected. This felt very unfair to me. I told her something that I was terrified to do for two whole years, and in the end she treats me like garbage. I don’t even know what our dynamic is anymore, she just ignores me and does not acknowledge my existence at all. When I had told her, i explained things did not have to be awkward, we could grow in our friendship because of this. I was trying to give her the chance or open an easy way for us to give eachother healthy criticism because I felt our friendship was strained. She said that no, it would be awkward because I either should’ve told her at the beginning or kept my mouth shut. I realised she does not feel the same way as me because I was sacrificing my own emotions to make her comfortable. She will never ever realise the truth of just how much I broke and bended myself to suit her needs, and that’s why her side of the friendship was bliss. I don’t know if I’m selfish or just bad for expecting things or what.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I was the wrong one and created all this drama for nothing. I feel horrible because I know how other friends or people might tell me what I did was ok and I can’t expect myself to carry her emotions, I will never know if Allah approves of my actions or not.
Now I’m questioning whether trying to be more honest and authentic in the friendship was the right thing to do religiously. Sometimes I just feel selfish and delusional and dramatic. When I talk to my dad about it, he always asks me why I put others before my self but I’m not sure. Should I have just continued pretending and people-pleasing forever? Was seeking a more genuine friendship wrong in this situation?
What is your advice on this situation?
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear Sister!!
What you wrote shows a lot of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and sincerity, especially for someone who’s 14. Nothing about this sounds selfish, delusional, or dramatic. It sounds like a young person who tried very hard to do the right thing and is now hurting because it didn’t land the way you wanted.
What you’ve been doing is called Emotional over-functioning. It looks like: feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Monitoring how they’ll react before you speak.Shrinking yourself to keep peace. Feeling guilty for having needs. This often shows up in kind, empathetic people especially girls and it’s learned, not a flaw. You are accountable for your intentions and actions, not for managing someone else’s feelings.
Boundaries are NOT unkind in Islam. A boundary is simply:
“This is where I end, and you begin.” Boundaries are not: punishment, selfishness, or rejection. They are truth with respect. So when you chose honesty instead of pretending, you were aligning with the Sunnah of Prophet ( SAW) not betraying it.
Instead of saying: I hurt her. I ruined everything. Try this truer frame: I spoke honestly. She wasn’t ready to receive it. That difference matters. You didn’t attack. You didn’t blame. You didn’t confess out of jealousy. You didn’t demand anything from her. You opened a door. She chose not to walk through it. That choice belongs to her, not you. Being ignored activates shame and self-doubt. You have some healthy options. Be polite if you cross paths. Don’t chase, over-apologize, or explain again. Let her process in her own time. This shows self-respect and mercy. Say something like: I didn’t tell you to hurt you. I told you because I value honesty and didn’t want to fake our friendship. I respect your space and wish you well. Then stop. No defending. No persuading.
Some friendships are seasonal, not lifelong. Islam doesn’t require emotional closeness with everyone, only good character. Distance can be mercy. Allah is closer to the one who is sincere and hurting than to the one who is comfortable but unaware. You acted with fear of Allah, reflected deeply, sought honesty over ego, worried about injustice, not advantage. Allah sees all of that. Just sit with this: If a friend asked you to carry pain forever so she could stay comfortable…would you think Allah wants that for her? Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to others. This experience is shaping you in powerful ways: learning that honesty can coexist with kindness. Realizing your emotions matter.Understanding that not everyone can meet you where you are… That’s not a loss. That’s emotional maturity. You’re not becoming “cold.” You’re becoming whole. You were not wrong for wanting honesty. You were not sinful for speaking. You were not selfish for wanting a friendship where you could breathe. When a relationship only works if one person stays silent and small, it isn’t balanced; it’s fragile. And fragile things often break when truth enters. That doesn’t mean truth is wrong. It means the structure couldn’t handle it.
One last truth I want you to hold onto, You didn’t lose a friend because you were honest. You learned that: not everyone can handle depth, not everyone knows how to share emotional responsibility,not everyone is meant to walk with you in this season. So that’s absolutely not a failure Sister. Don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear sister,
Friendships can definitely prove to be challenging. This is especially so when you feel untrue to yourself. I really appreciate how you mentioned in your post that you tried to communicate your feelings to your friend. This is an incredibly mature step to take. Even if she didn’t respond in the way you hoped, you did your part in communicating your feelings.
We cannot control other people and how they will react when we inevitably have to have difficult conversations. You did your best to communicate your needs, and in a healthy relationship, this would be received well. Relationships of any kind can be difficult at times or go through rocky patches, but if the entire relationship has a shaky foundation, where there are more bad times than good, then it isn’t a healthy place for anyone to be in.
To have a thriving relationship, it takes two people putting in the effort, not just one. It is not wrong for you to want to have a friendship with someone who sees and values you for who you are. You are still young, and having healthy, solid friendships takes time.
As you move through life and meet new people, those doors to friendships may open and insha’Allah, you will be able to find someone with whom you can connect. Participating in extracurricular activities, going to school, community or masjid events are some ways that you can expand your circle to meet friends with whom you can connect deeply, insha’Allah. One of Allah’s Names is Al-Fattah (The Opener). Asking Allah to open the doors to finding deeper and more meaningful friendships is something that you may find helpful.
May Allah bless you with company in this life with whom you feel at peace and ease, and allow you all to be together in His Jannah Firdous.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/01/21/my-friend-betrayed-me/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/12/07/female-friendships-just-dont-work/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/09/18/conflict-with-a-friend/
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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
