I fought with my best friend
I’m a 14-year-old Muslim girl seeking guidance about a friendship situation.
For the past two years, I’ve been best friends with another Muslim girl. During this time, I’ve struggled with feeling authentic in our friendship. I often feel drained and find myself people-pleasing – saying yes to everything she says, not being able to open up about my real thoughts, and sometimes not genuinely caring about what she’s telling me. Sometimes our friendship feels forced rather than natural, and I feel like a bad friend for having these feelings.
A year ago, she told me she liked a boy at school. I also liked the same boy but didn’t tell her. However, keeping this secret made all the friendship problems worse – I felt even more distant and fake, like I was living a lie.
Recently, I decided to tell her the truth, not because of the boy situation specifically, but because I felt our whole friendship was suffering from my inability to be genuine. I was hoping that being honest about this would open the door for us to address the other issues and have a more authentic relationship. Sometimes I feel like the boy in the relationship or like I have to take care of her emotions all the time because she gets upset easily.
When I told her, she said “I wish you had never told me” and suggested I should have kept it to myself forever. While I don’t think she meant for me to suffer, that’s essentially what she was saying – that I should have continued carrying this burden alone so she could remain comfortable and unaffected. This felt very unfair to me. I told her something that I was terrified to do for two whole years, and in the end she treats me like garbage. I don’t even know what our dynamic is anymore, she just ignores me and does not acknowledge my existence at all. When I had told her, i explained things did not have to be awkward, we could grow in our friendship because of this. I was trying to give her the chance or open an easy way for us to give eachother healthy criticism because I felt our friendship was strained. She said that no, it would be awkward because I either should’ve told her at the beginning or kept my mouth shut. I realised she does not feel the same way as me because I was sacrificing my own emotions to make her comfortable. She will never ever realise the truth of just how much I broke and bended myself to suit her needs, and that’s why her side of the friendship was bliss. I don’t know if I’m selfish or just bad for expecting things or what.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I was the wrong one and created all this drama for nothing. I feel horrible because I know how other friends or people might tell me what I did was ok and I can’t expect myself to carry her emotions, I will never know if Allah approves of my actions or not.
Now I’m questioning whether trying to be more honest and authentic in the friendship was the right thing to do religiously. Sometimes I just feel selfish and delusional and dramatic. When I talk to my dad about it, he always asks me why I put others before my self but I’m not sure. Should I have just continued pretending and people-pleasing forever? Was seeking a more genuine friendship wrong in this situation?
What is your advice on this situation?
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear Sister!!
What you wrote shows a lot of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and sincerity, especially for someone who’s 14. Nothing about this sounds selfish, delusional, or dramatic. It sounds like a young person who tried very hard to do the right thing and is now hurting because it didn’t land the way you wanted.
What you’ve been doing is called Emotional over-functioning. It looks like: feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Monitoring how they’ll react before you speak.Shrinking yourself to keep peace. Feeling guilty for having needs. This often shows up in kind, empathetic people especially girls and it’s learned, not a flaw. You are accountable for your intentions and actions, not for managing someone else’s feelings.
Boundaries are NOT unkind in Islam. A boundary is simply:
“This is where I end, and you begin.” Boundaries are not: punishment, selfishness, or rejection. They are truth with respect. So when you chose honesty instead of pretending, you were aligning with the Sunnah of Prophet ( SAW) not betraying it.
Instead of saying: I hurt her. I ruined everything. Try this truer frame: I spoke honestly. She wasn’t ready to receive it. That difference matters. You didn’t attack. You didn’t blame. You didn’t confess out of jealousy. You didn’t demand anything from her. You opened a door. She chose not to walk through it. That choice belongs to her, not you. Being ignored activates shame and self-doubt. You have some healthy options. Be polite if you cross paths. Don’t chase, over-apologize, or explain again. Let her process in her own time. This shows self-respect and mercy. Say something like: I didn’t tell you to hurt you. I told you because I value honesty and didn’t want to fake our friendship. I respect your space and wish you well. Then stop. No defending. No persuading.
Some friendships are seasonal, not lifelong. Islam doesn’t require emotional closeness with everyone, only good character. Distance can be mercy. Allah is closer to the one who is sincere and hurting than to the one who is comfortable but unaware. You acted with fear of Allah, reflected deeply, sought honesty over ego, worried about injustice, not advantage. Allah sees all of that. Just sit with this: If a friend asked you to carry pain forever so she could stay comfortable…would you think Allah wants that for her? Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to others. This experience is shaping you in powerful ways: learning that honesty can coexist with kindness. Realizing your emotions matter.Understanding that not everyone can meet you where you are… That’s not a loss. That’s emotional maturity. You’re not becoming “cold.” You’re becoming whole. You were not wrong for wanting honesty. You were not sinful for speaking. You were not selfish for wanting a friendship where you could breathe. When a relationship only works if one person stays silent and small, it isn’t balanced; it’s fragile. And fragile things often break when truth enters. That doesn’t mean truth is wrong. It means the structure couldn’t handle it.
One last truth I want you to hold onto, You didn’t lose a friend because you were honest. You learned that: not everyone can handle depth, not everyone knows how to share emotional responsibility,not everyone is meant to walk with you in this season. So that’s absolutely not a failure Sister. Don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear sister,
Friendships can definitely prove to be challenging. This is especially so when you feel untrue to yourself. I really appreciate how you mentioned in your post that you tried to communicate your feelings to your friend. This is an incredibly mature step to take. Even if she didn’t respond in the way you hoped, you did your part in communicating your feelings.
We cannot control other people and how they will react when we inevitably have to have difficult conversations. You did your best to communicate your needs, and in a healthy relationship, this would be received well. Relationships of any kind can be difficult at times or go through rocky patches, but if the entire relationship has a shaky foundation, where there are more bad times than good, then it isn’t a healthy place for anyone to be in.
To have a thriving relationship, it takes two people putting in the effort, not just one. It is not wrong for you to want to have a friendship with someone who sees and values you for who you are. You are still young, and having healthy, solid friendships takes time.
As you move through life and meet new people, those doors to friendships may open and insha’Allah, you will be able to find someone with whom you can connect. Participating in extracurricular activities, going to school, community or masjid events are some ways that you can expand your circle to meet friends with whom you can connect deeply, insha’Allah. One of Allah’s Names is Al-Fattah (The Opener). Asking Allah to open the doors to finding deeper and more meaningful friendships is something that you may find helpful.
May Allah bless you with company in this life with whom you feel at peace and ease, and allow you all to be together in His Jannah Firdous.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/01/21/my-friend-betrayed-me/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/12/07/female-friendships-just-dont-work/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/09/18/conflict-with-a-friend/
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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
Ukht
Salaam my dear sister!
I want to first tell you that what you did is really admirable. You expressed your feelings and thoughts in a polite and kind manner. You did it despite your fear. Not many people can do that. That takes courage!
A healthy friendship is mutual, one person can’t carry the entire relationship. It is not your responsibility to carry all of her emotions and neglect yourself. It is not your fault that she did not reciprocate your care and provide the support you needed. A friendship should be a safe place. It’s not selfish to want to feel seen and heard. You deserve someone who supports you. Please don’t blame yourself for the friendship breakup. You went to her with an open heart, and she withdrew. That was her choice, not yours. You went to her seeking an opportunity to grow the relationship. She chose to react the way she did. We can’t control other peoples reactions and decisions, all we can do is try and do the right thing. I can tell that you did what you thought would be the best. Sometimes it’s healthier to part ways. That doesn’t mean you were a bad friend. Not all friendships are meant to last. And that’s okay. We can learn from them and move forward. It’s chance for growth.
Being in a situation like this can be hard. It’s important to remember that it will get better. You won’t feel like this forever. Staying patient can be so hard, but remember that Allah sees that effort. In the Quran, Allah says in Surah Baqarah ayah 153, “…Allah is with the patient ones.”
May Allah bless you with beautiful friendships full of joy and support.
With care,
From your sister in Islam,
Peer Support Volunteer AB
Habiba K
Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
Thank you for reaching out and being brave enough to share something so personal and painful. It really touches my heart to hear what you are going through. What you are feeling is real, and your feelings truly matter. Please know that you are not being a bad or selfish person. Actually, you have been really brave by trying to be honest and real in a friendship that was starting to hurt you. You feel this way because you have a kind heart, not because you did anything wrong.
A friendship can seem easy for one person when the other person is always the one changing, giving in, and putting themselves last. But that does not mean the friendship is healthy, even if it has been that way for a long time. Noticing this now does not make you selfish at all. It just shows that you are thoughtful and really in touch with your own feelings.
About the situation with the boy, it is important to understand why you did not say anything at first. You were probably scared and did not feel safe opening up, especially since you already felt like you could not be yourself around her. Keeping all that inside is a lot for anyone to handle. I am so proud of you for finally speaking up, it was the right thing to do. It shows how brave and mature you are. You were trying to be honest and not trying to hurt anyone. So, you did not create drama, you just stopped pretending. If a friendship falls apart the second you are honest, it was not as strong as it looked. It was only staying together because you were staying quiet. You cannot build a true friendship if you are hiding things from each other. By speaking up, you were trying to give the friendship a chance to be built on something real instead.
The fact that she is ignoring you does not mean you have done something wrong. It just shows the friendship only worked when you were not being yourself. Also, she is probably staying quiet because she does not know how to handle the truth yet. You were honest because you wanted the friendship to be real, but you cannot make someone be mature if they are not ready to grow with you. It is okay to feel sad that she could not handle your honesty, it hurts when someone you care about reacts like that. But please do not let this get you down or make you doubt who you are. You are a thoughtful, brave, and sincere person. It takes a lot of strength to speak up when you know things might get awkward, and it shows you care about having real friendships. Being someone who is willing to have hard conversations is special and really strong. Please try not to let her reaction stop you from being yourself. You deserve friends who appreciate your honesty and see your kindness as a gift.
If you had just kept everything hidden inside, you would have eventually felt sadder and more frustrated, and it would have been hard to feel like yourself anymore. The friendship would have probably fallen apart and you would have felt way more exhausted and hurt by the end of it. It was so brave of you to be honest instead of just pretending things were okay. You are a really great person with a genuine heart, and staying true to yourself is always the right choice.
Even though you feel guilty right now, it does not mean you did anything wrong. You only feel this way because you care about people. You have probably gotten used to putting everyone else first, but you also have to look after your own heart. Being honest about what you need is not selfish, it is something that you should be able to do.
For now, please try to just focus on taking care of your heart. Spend your time with people who make you feel comfortable, safe, and loved for exactly who you are. Talk to Allah about everything you are feeling and make du’a, He knows your heart even better than you do, and He is always there to listen. If things feel heavy, try writing your feelings in a journal instead of keeping them all inside. Do the things that make you feel happy and calm, whether that is going for a walk, drawing, or just hanging out with your family.
Try your best not to keep checking your phone to see if she messaged or if she is still ignoring you, that usually just makes your heart feel more anxious. It is okay to just give the whole situation some space. If this friendship is meant to stay in your life, Allah will make it work out in a way that is healthy and good for you. And if it does not, trust that Allah will replace it with something even better. Sometimes, Allah allows a relationship to fade not because you did something wrong, but because He is gently answering an unspoken prayer in your heart for something real and healthy. So, hold onto the hope that Allah will bring you friends who appreciate the real you, who are kind to your feelings, and who care about your emotional needs just as much as you care about theirs.
Most importantly, please keep being your wonderful self. And never feel like you have to act smaller or hide who you really are just to make someone else want to stay. You are a beautiful, kind and caring person, and there is so much goodness and so many meaningful experiences ahead of you. This painful moment is just one chapter in your life. Insha Allah, you have so many better friendships ahead of you, ones that feel easy and are full of laughter and kindness.
May Allah bless you with friends who love you for who you are and fill your life with happiness and peace.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K