NOot really sure
Umm, okay, so this is going to be more like a blurb for diary entry or sm because I am really bad at putting my thoughts out. Okay, so I started wearing the hijab literally the first day of seventh grade—like the day before, I didn’t wear it when I went outside. I mainly started wearing it because my older sister wore it when she was in seventh grade, and like aunties from our community were asking why I wasn’t wearing it yet.
Okay, kinda off-topic but related, but up until sixth grade I was really socially out there; I had a lot of friends and I could tell people liked to talk to me—not to be cocky, but it will relate. After I started wearing hijab in seventh grade, I lost a lot of friends, and the summer between seventh and eighth grade I didn’t talk or text anyone from school. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I literally had nobody to do that with because everyone I talked to were strictly school friends.
And then in eighth grade, I decided okay, I need to start talking to people more. So I was in a friend group kinda through like two friends, but I was more like a stray cat they accepted than a friend. But by this point in my life, I had a couple friends that I would talk, text, and hang out with. The summer between 8th and 9th grade, I hung out with people and like talked and texted with them.
Through all of this, I was always feeling really insecure in my hijab because I never really wore it for God and me, but more so to please people around me. First semester of freshman year was great; I made lots of new friends, I was on the wrestling team, I joined clubs, and made lots of new friends. I texted and talked to those friends online as well, but like, I was never in any group chats or anything, which is kind of sad.
Then second semester freshman year, I started getting super insecure about hijab to the point where some days I would come home and cry or just rot on my phone or bed. And then during Eid al-Fitr, I brought up not wearing the hijab to my mom and she said it’s my choice, but then she started saying Shaytan is getting me and I should push the thoughts out of my head. Because of this, I just continued wearing it.
Then a couple weeks ago, I got in this like 4-day religious fear loop where all I thought about was hell, hell, hell. Okay, but then once I kind of recovered from that, I decided the hijab is what’s causing this for me. So I kinda cried to my mom and she said okay, just go to school and take it off for a day and see how you feel. My dad fully supported me, btw; he saw that I was struggling and said if it is causing me mental distress, then it is my choice if I want to take it off or not.
Okay, so like 2-3 weeks ago I went to school without a hijab for the first time in three years. Obviously, people were like, “Where’s your hijab?” “Oh, you look so pretty,” and all those comments that come with taking it off. I left school early that day and the day after I skipped because I was feeling very overwhelmed. My mom was like, “The hijab wasn’t the cause of your problems, so just keep wearing it.” So I just put it back on for like 2 days; I was really confident, then it just started plummeting again.
This week I felt so insecure in my hijab, like that was all on my mind. This weekend I wasn’t really in the mood to talk and looked kinda sad; my mom was like, “Are you doing that thing again?” Then today, when I went to pick up pizza with her, again she was like, “Oh, is this about the hijab again?” and I said yes. She was like, “If you don’t want to wear it then don’t wear it,” in an angry tone.
I went outside of the car to pick up the pizza, and when I got back in, she was like, “Why are you doing this to us, bringing up the hijab and not giving us any peace?” I’m sorry I’m not like my “perfect” older sister, Mom—the one who doesn’t show her neck, the one who doesn’t listen to music, the one who dresses modestly (even though I do, too). What I made out is that she won’t outright force me, but she will just keep on saying things until I wear it.
There is no point in the hijab if it’s not for God, because I do it for God, not for others. It’s not like when I take off the hijab I will go wear a bikini; I will still cover my whole body. I am still Muslim. I still pray my five prayers, do dhikr, read the three Quls, pray sunnahs, fast. But I think my mom wishes I turned out just like my perfect older sister.
That’s all. I understand if my rant was a lot to read and I am sorry. But I feel so numb and I don’t know what to think of myself anymore. It’s like, why can’t I just be right? Or live an easy life for once? Why do I have to constantly be in some sort of mental distress?
JZK so much for taking time to read. I appreciate it so so much and i am sorry the grammers really bad. —
Thank you for submitting your post to Stones to Bridges! We pray you will find the responses below beneficial. If you find these responses helpful, we’d love for you to share what you appreciated and how you feel it might help you moving forward in the comments section below!
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear Sister!!
I just want to say that you do not sound like a bad Muslim, a bad daughter, or a bad person at all. You sound like a 15-year-old girl who has been carrying a lot of pressure, confusion, fear, and expectations for a very long time.
What stood out to me the most in your post is that you are actually trying. You still pray, fast, make dhikr, care about Allah, and think deeply about your intentions. Someone who truly did not care would not be crying over this or feeling this conflicted.
I also think a lot of your pain comes from feeling like you were never fully allowed to figure out hijab for yourself. You started wearing it because of pressure from the community and comparisons to your sister, not because you personally felt spiritually ready. That can create a lot of confusion and resentment inside, especially when you’re still growing and discovering who you are. And honestly, being constantly compared to a “perfect” sibling can hurt deeply, even if parents don’t realize it. It can make you feel like love and approval are conditional. I really need you to know this too your worth is not measured by whether you wear hijab perfectly or whether you resemble your sister. Allah knows your heart, your struggles, your intentions, and your mental exhaustion better than anyone else does.
Also, the religious fear loop you described sounds genuinely overwhelming. Constant thoughts about hell, panic, guilt, and fear can become emotionally draining very quickly. Faith is supposed to bring you closer to Allah with hope, mercy, and connection too , not leave you feeling numb and terrified all the time. You do not have to solve your entire identity, faith journey, family expectations, and hijab feelings immediately at 15 years old. It’s okay to take time to reflect, learn, heal emotionally, and understand what you believe and want sincerely for yourself.
And for what it’s worth, I think you sound thoughtful, self-aware, sensitive, and sincere. You are not “doing this to your family.” You are struggling and trying to be honest about it. There’s a difference. I’m really glad you shared this instead of keeping everything bottled up inside.
I also want to add something important please don’t invalidate your own pain just because other people may have it “worse.” What you’re feeling is real. Losing friendships, feeling isolated, constantly questioning yourself, feeling watched or judged, and carrying pressure from family and community at such a young age can genuinely affect your mental health and self-esteem.
A lot of people don’t realize how emotionally complicated hijab can feel when it becomes tied to identity, acceptance, family expectations, culture, and fear all at once. Especially as a teenager, when you’re already trying to figure out who you are. When you hear the word modesty, which meanings feel most true to you. Respecting my body and not sexualizing it. Dressing in a way that feels dignified or safe. Not seeking attention from strangers. Feeling spiritually connected or mindful of Allah. Feeling comfortable in public spaces. Being judged less for appearance. Cultural identity or belonging.
Something I was taught rather than chosen. The fact that you still care so much about pleasing Allah even while struggling says a lot about your Iman. Many people think struggling means your faith is weak, but sometimes struggling is actually proof that your faith matters deeply to you.You also deserve compassion from yourself. You keep apologizing throughout your post , apologizing for ranting, apologizing for grammar, apologizing for having emotions, apologizing for struggling. But your feelings are not a burden. You are allowed to be confused. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to feel emotionally tired. And I know the comments people made after you removed your hijab probably affected you too. Even compliments like “you look prettier now” can hurt because they make you feel like people viewed you differently all along. That’s a heavy thing for a teenage girl to process. I honestly think you need space away from comparison and pressure so you can reconnect with Islam in a way that feels personal and peaceful instead of fear-based. Deciding anything about hijab while feeling guilt, pressure, or fear can make it feel like there is no “right” choice only emotional pain either way. A calmer way to think about it is to remove the moral panic from the decision and treat it like a personal, ongoing faith journey decision, not a verdict on your worth.
Islam is not supposed to feel like you are constantly suffocating under guilt. Allah is Al-Rahman (The Most Merciful) and Al-Raheem ( The Especially Merciful) too.
Please don’t think you are failing at life because you’re struggling right now. You are still growing. Most people at 15 are confused about themselves in some way , you just happen to be dealing with identity, religion, family expectations, and self-worth all at the same time. That’s a lot for one person to carry.And one more thing your mom’s reactions may also come from fear. Fear of judgment from the community, fear for your Akhirah, fear of change, fear that she somehow “failed.” That doesn’t mean her comments don’t hurt you, because they clearly do. But sometimes parents react with frustration when they are scared and don’t know how to handle something emotionally.None of this makes you a disappointment. You are not broken because you’re questioning things. You are not evil because you’re overwhelmed. And you do not need to become a copy of your sister to be worthy of love, respect, or closeness to Allah.
I truly hope you give yourself patience and kindness during this time instead of only guilt. May Allah guide you in a way that brings your heart peace, not panic.
May Allah make things easier for you, bring you peace, and guide you gently instead of through fear and pressure. Ameen !!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/04/13/struggling-with-faith-identity-and-purpose/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/10/17/hijab-struggles-2/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/05/19/hijab-struggles/
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