I feel stuck and have no way out
AGE-31
Gender-Female
I have just returned back from medical school about 7 months ago to my husband and daughter and things just seem to constantly be getting worse. While I was away for school, I would call multiple times a day to speak to my daughter and husband. I was able to see my daughter but my husband hardly spoke to me, did not even answer text messages. I would come home every 3 months for two weeks on break and still there was more silence than anything. I was not sure of what was going on. Once I returned home permanently I discovered that my husband had sold all mine and my daughters gold. I questioned him and he refused to acknowledge it until one day I made him admit to all that was done. He admitted to pawning the gold, using the money for gambling, and now the loan had become delinquent and the gold was forfeited. All the gold was family heirlooms and I just was not sure of what to do. I spoke to his parents and my own parents, and they all keep telling me to keep trying with my husband because of my daughter, that everyone makes mistakes and to just compromise so that my daughter doesn’t get harmed, even though I believe she has been harmed already.
For the past seven months, I have been living in a deeply distressing and isolated environment within my own home. What was once a marriage has devolved into a painful roommate arrangement, marked by constant arguments, heavy silence, and a total lack of communication. We sleep in separate rooms, and every attempt I make to engage or seek answers is met with stonewalling and silence. This toxic dynamic has stripped away my mental peace, leaving me in a state of constant stress and feeling utterly trapped, especially since I do not work and currently lack the financial independence to afford therapy.
Amidst this intense emotional strain, I am deeply concerned for my three-year-old daughter. I can see that the constant tension and hostile environment are actively affecting her well-being, which has made finding a resolution urgent. Because the situation feels entirely stuck, I have decided to take a 20-day trip with my daughter to step away from the survival mode I have been living in. I have courageously communicated a clear boundary to my husband, giving him this time apart to reflect deeply on what he wants and whether he truly wishes to save this marriage.
My daughter is throwing unexplained tantrums and is asking questions about why her dad is mean to me or saying that we are always yelling. I just am so lost and not sure of what to do.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear Sister!!
I’m really sorry you’re going through this sister. From what you’ve described, this isn’t just about one mistake. You’re dealing with several serious issues at the same time. Your husband hid a gambling problem and sold family golds that belonged to you and your daughter without your knowledge or consent. He was emotionally unavailable during your time away and continues to refuse communication.
Your daughter is perhaps the most vulnerable person in this situation. At three years old, she cannot understand gambling, betrayal, or marital conflict, but she understands emotions remarkably well. Children learn about relationships long before they can explain them. She is learning by watching. How adults speak to one another. Whether home feels peaceful or frightening. Whether problems are discussed or avoided.
Whether love feels warm or distant. When she asks why Daddy is mean or why there is yelling, she is not just asking a question she is trying to make sense of the emotional world around her. Children often assume they are somehow responsible for conflict unless they are repeatedly reassured otherwise.
Another important point is the advice you’ve received from family. Their desire to protect your daughter’s family is understandable, but preserving a marriage at any cost is not always the same as protecting a child. Children benefit most from homes where they experience emotional safety, respect, and stability. Remaining in a chronically hostile, silent, or emotionally unhealthy environment can be more damaging than growing up with separated parents who co-parent respectfully. Compromise is an essential part of healthy marriages, but compromise has limits.
Healthy compromise sounds like: Let’s work through this together. I understand how I hurt you. I’ll get help. Let’s rebuild trust.
Unhealthy compromise sounds like: Accept my behavior so the family stays together. Ignore what happened. Stop bringing it up. Pretend everything is okay. Those are very different. Your daughter is already noticing the conflict and is showing signs of distress. Anyone in your position would likely feel overwhelmed.
Your husband did not simply make a poor financial decision. He concealed it, allowed you to remain unaware while you were away pursuing your education, withdrew emotionally, ignored your calls and messages, denied the truth until confronted, and now continues to avoid meaningful communication. Those behaviors have created a profound rupture in trust. Trust is not broken by one event alone; it is broken by repeated deception, avoidance, and unwillingness to repair the damage.
You also made an enormous sacrifice by leaving for medical school. Pursuing medical education often requires years of commitment, separation from loved ones, and emotional resilience. During that time, you were still trying to remain connected to your family by calling multiple times a day. Instead of feeling supported, you experienced emotional abandonment. Returning home, you expected to rebuild your family life, but instead you found yourself facing betrayal and silence.
One of the most painful parts of your story is that you are living in uncertainty. Human beings can often cope with difficult situations when there is communication, honesty, and a shared effort to improve. What becomes emotionally exhausting is living with unanswered questions. Every day you are wondering: Does he even want this marriage? Is he still gambling? Is he sorry because he hurt me, or because he got caught?
Is this temporary, or is this who our marriage has become? Living in that state of uncertainty keeps your nervous system on high alert. Over time, people begin experiencing anxiety, sadness, difficulty sleeping, emotional numbness, and even physical symptoms because their body never feels safe enough to relax.
I also want to acknowledge the courage it took for you to set the boundary of taking a 20-day trip. Many people view boundaries as punishment, but healthy boundaries are not about controlling another person they are about protecting your own emotional well-being. You are not leaving to manipulate him. You are stepping away because living in survival mode every day has become emotionally unsustainable.
This period apart can also provide clarity. During these 20 days, pay close attention not only to how your husband responds, but also to how you and your daughter respond. You may notice changes such as: Feeling less anxious. Having more patience with your daughter. Seeing your daughter become calmer or more playful. Those changes can tell you a great deal about the impact your current home environment has had on both of you.
If your husband truly wants to rebuild the marriage, change will need to be demonstrated consistently over time. Genuine repair usually includes, taking full responsibility without minimizing or blaming. Being transparent about finances. Seeking treatment for gambling if it is an addiction. Being willing to attend couples counseling after demonstrating individual accountability. Rebuilding trust through consistent actions rather than promises.
Trust is rebuilt in small moments of honesty repeated over months not through one apology. The 20-day trip sounds less like running away and more like creating breathing room. Time away from constant conflict can help both you and your daughter regulate emotionally. It may also give your husband an opportunity to decide whether he is willing to take responsibility for his actions. However, change requires more than regret.
Marriage is built upon mercy (rahmah), love (mawaddah), and tranquility (sakinah). Allah says in the Qur’an: “And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (30:21)
Ask yourself gently: Is my home currently a place of tranquility, affection, and mercy? If not, is my husband willing to work with me to restore those qualities? Your responsibility is not to save the marriage by yourself. You don’t have to decide the future of your marriage today. Focus first on creating calm and safety for yourself and your daughter, then evaluate your husband’s actions not just his words over time. A marriage can only be healed when both people are willing to participate in the healing. Right now, your responsibility is to protect your own well-being and provide your daughter with the emotional safety she deserves. That is not selfish it is an act of love and responsibility.
You also mentioned that you don’t currently have the finances for therapy. Since you are a physician, you may also have access to physician wellness programs, community mental health resources, or employee assistance services once you begin working. These may provide counseling at little or no cost.
Finally, if there has ever been physical violence, threats, intimidation, or if you fear for your or your daughter’s safety, it’s important to prioritize your safety and seek support from trusted family, local domestic violence resources, or emergency services if needed.
You are not giving up by setting boundaries. Wanting a peaceful, emotionally healthy environment for yourself and your daughter is a reasonable and healthy goal.
May Allah grant you wisdom, patience, and strength. As Allah says in the Qur’an: “Indeed, with hardship comes ease.” (Qur’an, 94:5–6)
In Shaa Allah, everything will be fine soon Sister.
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from an additional “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
First generation immigrant parents in our community seem to be stuck in the ideology that women should try to make a marriage work no matter what. What once was a necessity for the survival of women in desi and other cultures, is no longer true. In the past, women had no education, no options for work or any other means to survive independently without a husband. Returning to their childhood home only brought shame to themselves and their family. Leaving a marriage meant dishonor, destitution and possibly death. Pleasing husbands, and in-laws was actually a matter of life and death, so women were taught to protect their marriages at all costs.
But things are different now. While these survival strategies passed down for thousands of generations remain deeply rooted in our subconscious, we must get out of our survival brain and step into the parts of our brain that allows for growth, peace and contentment. When we take a step back we recognize 1. That the advice of our parents related to marital challenges can come from a place of protection and other good intentions; however, it is still an irrelevant, trauma response and a survival strategy when we are told to bear dysfunction or abuse at all costs. 2. We have so many more options for survival as women in the present day. We no longer HAVE to bear unhealthy marriages in order to survive. We can acquire an education, a job, and an extensive support system without the approval of husband, in-laws, or parents.
While the challenging realities of a divorce and co-parenting are also true, I believe it is a disserve when women are made to feel they have no other option than to remain in an unhealthy marriage where their partner is unwilling to communicate, seek professional help, make any changes or compromise. If you find that your husband is willing to do any of the above, by all means try to make it work. But if he refuses, do everything you need to do to stand up on your own two feet so you can make decisions based on what is healthy for you and your daughter rather than feeling trapped due to financial reasons or lack of support. Your decision to step away to allow for reflection, establish boundaries and consider the impact of a tense household on your daughter is an excellent start. Pray isthikhara and continue strengthening yourself so that you can make a decision in the best mind frame while filtering unhelpful noise.
May Allah guide you to the path that is best for you, bring you clarity, ease and barakah in your decision.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima AH”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/maritalconflict/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2023/05/16/hiding-from-my-wife-and-afraid-of-her-not-forgiving-me/
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Community Support Volunteer AB
Assalamualaikum my dear sister!
What you described sounds very painful. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and pray Allah brings peace and clarity to you soon. I feel your pain and effort. I can see that this has created a large burden on you and is taking an emotional toll on both you and your daughter. You are trying to make things work, but don’t feel that is being reciprocated. For a relationship to work and be healthy, both sides must be willing to work together. Your husband may feel he is doing that, but you see things differently. Please do not lose hope my dear sister. It is tough now, but it won’t be like this forever Insha Allah. In surah Ash-Sharh, Allah says, “So indeed, with hardship comes ease.” You don’t have to make a decision now. Use your time away to reflect and ponder on your marriage. Think about your future. What do you see for yourself? What do you see for your daughter? Make dua, Allah is always there. Before you make a decision, pray istikhara. Ask Allah for guidance.
I know you mentioned that paying for therapy isn’t something feasible for you right now, however there are free resources out there. Consider checking your local mosques and organizations to see what they offer.
You mentioned that your husband has been gambling and has recently lost his job. That’s really difficult to process, especially after your gold was used for him to gamble. I really like the way NL described the way men and women experience and deal with their emotions. You can both process your emotions differently, and understanding the way the other does can be incredibly helpful. Your husband may be struggling and does not know how to cope. If you are able to, encourage him to seek help and support. Mental health help can be really taboo in our communities, especially for men, but sometimes having someone encourage them to seek help is the first step towards meaningful change. Look for free or low-cost resources that are near you or possibly online.
Please remember to take care of yourself as well. Being in a situation like this is hard and taxing, but please don’t let that stop you from taking care of yourself. You matter and your happiness does too.
You are not alone my dear sister. May Allah bring peace to your home and heart!
With care,
You sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer AB
31 year old female
Salaam Fatima,
It has been a few days and to me it doesn’t seem like my husband has noticed anything. He calls to try to talk but has nothing but one word answers to everything making the conversation, even casual ones hard. His behavior remains the same, everytime we talk he is in bed or has just woken up, even in the middle of the day. He will tell
Me one thing he is about to do and then it doesn’t happen until I follow up on it because he decides to lay down instead.
He keeps telling me I’m putting him down and he’s doing better but I just don’t see any difference at all. He currently was also let go of his job. When I asked him what he means by doing better his response was – I am waking up early taking care of myself, I apply to 10-15 jobs during the breakfast lunch and dinner period. Reflecting on the time I have
I have been more relaxed on this trip, have been eating better and am less anxious. I even have more confidence while I walk around. I’m just not sure of what to do because my family seems to believe my husband is the best and habits can’t be changed so I just have to live with it.
"Fatima MV"
Assalamualaikum dear Sister!!
I can hear that you’re trying very hard to be fair to your husband. You’re not looking for perfection. You’ve been looking for evidence that things are genuinely moving in a healthier direction. That tells me you’re still open to hope, but you’re also trying not to ignore reality.
Your husband may genuinely feel that he’s trying. Applying for jobs, reflecting on his life, or taking better care of himself are positive steps if they are happening consistently. However, from your perspective, the core issues that have deeply hurt you is his emotional disconnection, broken trust, lack of communication, and accountability .Those don’t seem to have changed yet. Those are the areas that need healing if the marriage is going to recover. I also noticed that when you ask him what has changed, his answers focus mostly on himself: waking up earlier, applying for jobs, reflecting. While those things may matter, they don’t directly address your experience. Healing begins when both partners are able to understand each other’s pain, not only describe their own efforts.
What stood out to me most, though, was what you shared about yourself. You said you’ve been more relaxed, eating better, less anxious, and more confident while away. Those aren’t small changes but they’re significant. Our bodies often tell us what our minds are still trying to figure out. When we spend months living in chronic stress, we become so used to surviving that peace can feel unfamiliar. Then, when we step into a calmer environment, we begin to notice just how much tension we’ve been carrying. That doesn’t automatically mean the marriage can’t be repaired. But it does tell us that the environment you’ve been living in has been taking a toll on your emotional and physical well-being.
I also hear that your family believes your husband is a good person and that people don’t really change. Families often encourage reconciliation because they value keeping the family together, and those intentions may come from love. But they are not living your daily reality. They don’t experience the silence in your home, the uncertainty, or the emotional loneliness that you’ve described. Their opinions deserve respect, but they shouldn’t replace your own observations and experiences.
You mentioned that he often tells you he’s about to do something, but it doesn’t happen until you remind him. That pattern can be frustrating because it leaves you feeling like you’re still carrying the mental load. Healthy partnerships involve reliability being able to trust that when someone says they will do something, they follow through without constant prompting.
I also wonder whether your husband may be struggling emotionally himself, especially after losing his job. If he is dealing with depression, shame, or another mental health challenge, that could explain some of his behavior but it doesn’t excuse the hurt you’ve experienced. You can try ask him for to get any help through Counseling or talking to any local scholars if he would like to open to someone.
Observe whether there is consistent changes. Lasting change is usually seen in repeated actions, openness, responsibility, and a willingness to repair the relationship not just in intentions. Most importantly, keep paying attention to what you’re learning about yourself. You deserve a relationship where you don’t feel trapped, where communication is possible, where trust can be rebuilt through actions, and where your daughter can grow up witnessing kindness, respect, and emotional safety. People make mistakes and that repentance and change are always possible. If your husband truly regrets his actions, then Islam encourages sincere repentance (tawbah)which includes acknowledging the wrongdoing, feeling remorse, stopping the harmful behavior, and making a genuine effort not to return to it.
Perhaps use this time apart not only to see whether your husband changes, but also to make dua, seek guidance (Istikhara), and reflect calmly. You can make this Dua with the intention: Provide for me, guide me, and open doors that bring peace and blessings.
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
Transliteration:
Rabbi innī limā anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqīr
Meaning:
“My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need.”
(Qur’an 28:24)
May Allah guide both of your hearts, bring healing where there is pain, and give you wisdom to choose what is best for your Dunya and Akhirah. Ameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Waalaykum assalam dear sister,
I can see your exhaustion in your post and it is understandable. It feels like you are trying in this relationship but it does not feel like your husband is trying as well. You try to engage and he acts distant. When it comes to following through with things he is not able to or he needs your assistance (reminder) to do so. All of this would be frustrating because you want a life partner and not a roommate. Added with the struggle is the cost of marital counselling is expensive.
All of these variables do not mean that there is no hope. Insha’Allah your husband wants to try as well, but perhaps there are things he is struggling with that are preventing him from connecting with you. When it comes to emotional stress and difficulties men and women handle it differently. You may find yourself stressed and anxious about something and when you turn to your husband, you find that he isn’t. This may seem like your husband does not care but his brain is not registering it in the same way that you are. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-of-self/202403/men-and-women-experience-stress-differently
Loosing a job can be a difficult reality to grasp, especially since many men see themselves as the provider and caretaker for their families and so he may be also be grappling with this new reality and what it means for his role as the head of the household.
Generally men do not tend to talk about their feelings in the same way that women do. They tend to isolate and process things first and then maybe talk about it afterwards. This can be difficult when you want to talk about things but feel like he is pushing you away.
At the end of the day, you are the one who is married to him and even though your family has an opinion on the matter, you have the right to chose how you wish to proceed with him. In the time that you have had away from your husband was a good opportunity to process how you’re feeling and think about what you want your future to look like. Questions such as, “how do I envision my life 5-10 years down the line” “is my husband someone I can grow old with and would want to” “do I feel like my needs are being met or that if they are not being met fully, do they have the potential to be met in this relationship?”
It isn’t easy, my sister, but insha’Allah Allah will make a way out for you. Remember that no struggle or trial lasts forever and there are good days ahead, insha’Allah.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL