Struggling with religious guilt regarding my hobby
I am 16F, and I write fan-fictions that are featuring homosexuality. I struggle with the religious boundaries of writing same-sex emotional connections.
I have been writing for a few months now, and the issue is weighing on my conscience. While I strictly steer away from lewd and explicit scenes, I still feel that this is still falling in the category of promoting LGBTQ+. Sometimes it feels as though the only reason I go back is because of the feedback from my readers. But I don’t want that validation to force out the voice of my religion. Sometimes I think of deleting the fic entirely, but it’s something I have worked on for almost half a year now.
I have not been feeling spiritually close to Allah at all for the past 2 years. Praying feels like a chore, and I don’t know how to mend this gap that has been created because of my negligence.
I feel like my sins keep accumulating and I can’t do anything to stop the counter from running.
I have tried to quit masturbation as well, but I can’t go for long. I stopped for a whole month, but my mind kept going back to the thought. I kept thinking that it would be just once, but I couldn’t stop myself at all. It’s so shameful for me to know that I can’t even control my own actions properly, that I continuously lie to myself.
What do I do?
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
My dear sister, you’re carrying a lot for someone so young, and none of this means you’re a bad Muslim or a hopeless person. It actually shows that your conscience is alive. You care about Allah, about your intentions, and about doing the right thing, and that already matters deeply.
Struggling with creative expression, validation, and faith doesn’t mean you’re choosing one over the other. It means you’re human. Writing emotional connections without explicit content shows you’re already trying to respect boundaries. If your heart feels conflicted, you’re allowed to pause, reflect, or adjust without feeling guilty or panicked. Islam values intention and reflection, not impulsive self-punishment. Writing stories is a form of self-expression and a means of creativity. Feeling conflicted doesn’t make you a “bad” person, your intentions matter. It’s okay to enjoy the feedback you receive, it doesn’t automatically mean you are betraying your faith. Feedback can be a natural part of sharing creativity; what matters is your intention and personal boundaries.
You don’t have to delete your work if it brings you value, as long as you are mindful of your own limits. Some people choose to pause or archive their work if it causes inner conflict, rather than deleting it entirely. Consider setting a clear intention: I am writing this as a creative outlet, not to promote anything contrary to my faith. Having that mindset can reduce guilt.
Intention (Niyyah) in Islam, actions are judged by their intentions. Acknowledging that the struggle itself can be a sign of a strong conscience and good intent (niyyah) can be a powerful source of comfort. Islam encourages a balanced life. Seeking validation can be a natural human need that, when channeled appropriately, does not have to conflict with faith.
Feeling distant from Allah for a long time is painful, but distance doesn’t mean rejection. Many people go through seasons where prayer feels heavy. Start small, one sincere prayer, one honest du’a, even just talking to Allah in your own words. Consistency, not emotion, rebuilds closeness.
As for masturbation, this is a very common struggle at your age. Slipping does not erase your effort or make you weak. Shame keeps people stuck; repentance is about returning, not being perfect. If you fall, repent gently and keep trying. Allah does not tire of forgiving. This is extremely common, especially for teenagers. The fact that you are trying, and even succeeded for a month, shows strength and discipline.
Guilt can actually make it harder to stop, your mind can get caught in a cycle of shame and obsession. Identify triggers (boredom, stress, certain content) and have alternative activities ready.
Focus on mindfulness and redirecting thoughts, replace the cycle with something creative, spiritual, or active.
Islam emphasizes repentance and trying again rather than despairing.
Remember: Feeling shame does not make you sinful beyond repair. Every effort to try, repent, and improve counts.
Most importantly: stop counting sins as if Allah is keeping score against you. Every sincere repentance resets the scale. Allah’s mercy is not fragile.
Take things step by step. Be honest with yourself, kind to yourself, and keep turning back even when you feel messy and tired. That turning back itself is worship. Be positive. Hope for the best!! Everything will be fine soon. In Shaa Allah
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear sister,
I’m really glad that you decided to write in. Despite the guilt and shame you are experiencing, I feel that you are looking to soften your heart towards Allah. Part of this is shown in that you reached out. Some of my thoughts are similar to Fatima’s. One thing I would encourage you to do is pause and ask yourself what your intention is when writing fanfiction with a same gender emotional connection. Intentions do matter and are often heavily overlooked.
Reading your post also reminded me of a similar situation I had found myself in many years ago. I had created content online related to pop culture, but it was not something I was interested in myself. When I decided later to create content about things I was interested in, it was more beneficial, I enjoyed it more, and people liked it. However, the last part was irrelevant as I was enjoying what I was doing, regardless of whether anyone liked it or not.
Creative writing is an amazing outlet. I also enjoy creating stories from time to time and can serve as a great de-stressor. What I’ve found personally is that the best kind of stories are those that come from the heart and one’s own experience. You may find it helpful to create your own stories as well, without feeling any of the stress or guilt.
With struggling with addiction to masturbation, it’s important to approach this with small, consistent steps. You’ve gotten so far with avoiding it for a month. That’s incredibly admirable! It also shows you that it is possible, but it might take some time. Setting little goals in order to achieve the larger goal of avoiding it altogether will be more effective in the long run rather than just going cold turkey. A small goal might be that you start keeping your phone in a separate room at night or limiting your screen time. Identify where you feel the most triggered to self-pleasure and try to minimize the risk. It might be challenging, but it is possible.
You’ve got this, insha’Allah!
I pray that you are able to overcome your challenges and difficulties with ease and that you are blessed with goodness in this life and the next.
All the Best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/12/27/my-life-is-in-absolute-shambles/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/04/04/a-system-of-guilt/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/12/27/sinner/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2016/07/02/help-me/
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Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
It takes a lot of courage to open up about what you are going through, and I truly commend you for reaching out. The fact that you are asking these questions, feeling uneasy about your choices, and caring about your relationship with Allah shows that your heart is still very much alive. Someone who stopped caring would not worry about pleasing Allah, but you still do. Please do not look at yourself and think you are too far gone. Sometimes when different problems happen all at the same time, it is easy to feel like giving up, but Allah never wants us to lose hope. He says in the Qur’an: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful” (39:53). Notice how Allah is talking directly to people who made mistakes or slipped up. No matter how lost you feel right now, you should never lose hope in His mercy because as long as we are alive, the door to His forgiveness is always open.
From what you explained, I can see three separate struggles that have become tangled together: your writing, your feeling of spiritual distance from Allah, and your battle with masturbation. So, starting with your fanfiction, I think you have already answered your own question in your heart. You wrote that you worry it may be promoting something that Allah has prohibited, and you also mentioned not wanting the praise from readers to become louder than the voice of your religion. That is a very sincere realization. I know deleting months of work feels painful. You poured your creativity, time, and emotions into it, which makes it difficult to walk away from. However, sometimes loving Allah means sacrificing something we genuinely enjoy because we hope for something greater with Him. And no sacrifice made for Allah is ever truly lost. As the Prophet (saw) said: “Whoever leaves something for the sake of Allah, Allah will replace it with something better” (Musnad Ahmad). Perhaps for you that something better is a story that inspires people in a way that brings you reward instead of uncertainty. Allah blessed you with a true gift for writing. You do not need to feel guilt over your creativity. It can be something that brings you peace and a closeness to Allah.
As for your prayers feeling like a chore, I want you to know that you are not alone as many Muslims experience periods where worship feels dry. This does not always mean a lack of imaan. Sometimes it simply means that the heart is exhausted, distracted, wounded, or in need of nourishment. Please know that you do not have to wait until you feel close to Allah before you pray. We pray to become closer to Allah. The relationship is not built after the prayer, but it is rebuilt through the prayer. Even if your salah feels empty, keep standing before Allah. Do this even if your khushu’ lasts only a short while. Even if all you can sincerely say after finishing is, “Ya Allah, I do not know how to come back, but I am trying so please help me,” remember that Allah knows what is in your heart before you say a single word.
When it comes to struggling with the issue of masturbation, please try not to allow repeated falls to convince you that repentance is useless. The believer is not someone who never sins, but someone who keeps returning to Allah. Having stopped for thirty days shows that you have the strength and ability to resist it, and one relapse does not erase those thirty days of effort. What matters is that you keep trying. Alongside working to break the habit, it can help to understand your triggers. So, a trigger is something that increases the temptation to masturbate. Knowing what leads up to it can make things much easier to manage. Therefore, it could be beneficial to not only focus on how to stop but also to notice when you feel tempted. Sometimes it comes down to what emotions you might be trying to escape or what thoughts are running through your mind. Finding other things to do in those moments can make a significant difference before the urge gets too strong.
For some people, triggers can be being alone too long, staying up late, scrolling on social media, watching certain videos, boredom, stress, loneliness, anxiety, or certain thoughts and fantasies. If you notice when you struggle the most, it can help you slowly start finding easier ways to handle things day by day. For example, if boredom is a trigger, staying busy can help, if late nights are difficult, putting your phone away earlier or going to sleep sooner may help, and if it is certain apps, then deleting and avoiding them can help.
Another thing that can help is having a plan for what you will do when the temptation shows up. Instead of just telling yourself not to do it, try replacing the habit with something else. Like getting up and going to a different room, going for a walk, doing some exercise, spending time with family, working on a hobby, reading, or doing something that keeps you busy. The temptation often becomes stronger when you sit with it for a long time, so changing what you are doing can make a big difference.
However, if trying to stop the habit is causing you a lot of stress or feels too heavy to handle by yourself, remember you do not have to go through it alone. If you feel comfortable with it, it can really help to talk with a school counselor or a therapist. A therapist can help you understand what triggers these feelings and easier ways to deal with them. I would suggest exploring a culturally sensitive therapist or counselor as they may be able to offer support that feels both comfortable and validating for you. And please just know that asking for help is a sign of strength and not weakness.
Please also remember that you are only sixteen, so you are still growing, learning, and figuring out how to navigate your desires, emotions, and faith. Allah knows your struggles better than anyone else does, and He does not wait for you to become perfect before showing you mercy. Try not to fix everything overnight. Just start with one small promise to Allah today, whether that is praying one salah on time, reading one page of the Qur’an, deciding not to open that fanfiction document today, or making one
sincere du’a before you sleep. Small, consistent steps are truly beloved to Him.
Always keep in mind that your sins are never greater than the mercy of Allah, and the door of tawbah remains open as long as you are alive. Every time you turn back to Allah, even after falling again, you are turning to the One who loves to forgive. Know that every sincere attempt to change teaches you something new, and every tawbah wipes away whatever slip-up came before it. You have already taken the first step by caring enough to reach out, and with every small effort you make from here, Allah is ready to meet you with open arms and endless grace.
May Allah make it easy for you, strengthen you, guide you, make your salah the comfort of your heart, and may every step you take toward Him be met with His mercy.
Your Sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer Habiba K
Your Sister in Islam
Assalamualaikum my dear sister!
I can see you are experiencing a lot of emotions. You feel a weight on your shoulders and don’t feel right about this. It’s bothering you. Take a moment and reflect. What do you love about creating stories? Do you love the process of writing? Creativity? The finished story? Once you understand your drive for creating stories and what you love about it, I want you to think about what makes you add same-sex emotional connections. What drives you to do so? Without same-sex relationships, would your stories be lacking anything? Or would they still be beautiful stories you can share with your readers that make you feel good instead of guilty? You feel guilty doing so, and are feeling uncomfortable with your decision. Listen to yourself for a minute. Sometimes our bodies can tell us things before we even realize. I want you to know that removing this will not take away from your stories in the slightest. You can think of things you can add to your stories to replace homosexual relationships. What about a sibling relationship? Or a pair of best friends? A friend group? There are so many alternatives!
You feel far from Allah right now, but I want you to know that Allah is near. In Surah Al-Baqara aya 186, “And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad SAW) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me…” Make dua. Ask Allah for guidance and strength. Keep striving.
With regards to masturbation, I want you to know that you can stop and it is possible. Don’t lose hope. You already went a month without. That shows that you can do it! Look at the things around you. What triggers do you see? How can you remove those triggers? Try to stay in areas with people around and refrain from using your devices when alone. You got this!
May Allah bless you and give you clarity and guidance!
With care,
Your sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer AB