Women in Islam
I am an 18 year old Shia Muslim girl. I am having many doubts about Islam and monotheistic religions. I have read that a Muslim wife must obey her husband and that is the key to paradise for a woman. My mom says that the obedience only refers to the wife making herself sexually available to her husband if he calls her to his bed; is this true? Why is a woman’s highest value to be a wife and a mother? Why is this one man, her husband, the center of a Muslim woman’s world?
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
The questions you are asking have been debated in great length by scholars of Islam and there are many opinions on what the texts of Islam are actually trying to say. Since I am not a scholar of fiqh (Islamic law) nor tafsir (interpretation of the sacred texts) I can’t give you a detailed interpretation of what the particular arguments are. I would suggest you find a website managed by a scholar that you trust and read what he/she says on this subject.
However, I can say that one of the core things about marriage is that there are two people who have to figure out a way to make a life together with muwaddah (deep caring love) and rahmah (mercy). So if those two things exist in the relationship, then when one spouse asks something of another, there would be a natural inclination to give to the other what he/she is requesting – as long as the requests do not violate the expectations Allah has on us. In other words, your relationship with Allah is first and then the two of you can decide who takes which responsibilities so that you can both work together to create a healthy family where all members are taken care of and are loved.
Another core aspect of Islam is to look at how the Prophet and his followers implemented the religion to get insight about how those things. You don’t see many instances in the life of the Prophet where he issued ultimatums. Rather, in his relationships he was usually the person who gave more, cared more than others. If he is the ideal Muslim then that is the best of behavior.
A third and very important aspect of marriage is that it is a social contract. This means that there is a wide range of what marriage looks like. Marriages are, in essence, a product of the personalities of the spouses, their families, and the cultures they come from. The fact that it’s a social contract also means that both partners have to choose to enter into it and hopefully do so with the comfort that what they are entering into is something they are happy with. I sincerely hope that people take the time and energy to explore whether the personalities and worldviews of the two people are compatible before they decide to get married.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Thank you for the resources 🙂 Based on what I have asked Shia marja, a woman’s obedience is in terms of marital rights and leaving the home without permission (except in the case of visiting family, the doctor, going to the mosque, voting in elections, or buying house items if no one else in the family buys them). If this is for protection and safety, how is it safe to go out in those instances, but everything else needs precaution?
HA18
Salaam 🙂 So I am definitely no expert in this matter. I have never asked any marjas about which items are part of the rights of the woman and which are not, or why they have been set up as so. Based on your post, it looks like women have a pretty decent amount of rights….we have political, religious, family, and our own health. It seems like the big thing that is missing would be jobs/financial which I don’t believe the marja is saying is forbidden/haraam, but is saying its not an inherent right the way the other things are. It is leaving the responsibility of being a provider to the male. So to me, it seems like how it is in any other marriage in any other religion or culture, the husband and wife would need to talk about how they handle their finances. They may agree that the husband and wife should both work to create the income for their lifestyle, or they may agree that with the children they have, it would be better for the wife to be a stay at home mom (which is a HUGE and extremely important job in itself) because sending the kids to daycare is the cost of a paycheck anyway, or that they want to raise their kids themselves.
I am not sure if it relates HEAVILY on protection/safety. It can, depending on the job. Unfortunately, things like sexual harassment still exist in even white collar jobs in extremely diverse and educated work settings. When you get out of that, and consider other countries and work in markets/bazaar, there are other real dangers of a female being alone and trying to run a shop. At the same time, you can argue that a woman can work for years and not face any danger. I personally work in an office setting and have felt no danger whatsoever. But unfortunately, the potential of danger is there for women more than it is for men. InshAllah one day we can live in a world where it is not like that.
I guess the point is that it is not haraam for a woman to work. We can go back to the example of Khadija (as) who was the Prophet’s (saws) boss. However, the main Islamic responsibility of working to provide for the family falls on the husband, not the wife. A husband and wife can discuss and decide what they want best.
Hope that helps <3
Anonymous
Thank you; I do see how the Islamic laws of marriages are similar to the marriages of many other cultures and people. It is sweet for a man to be protective of his wife (he is a true gentleman), but some men can get too overprotective, and this leads to abuse. My concern is that what if the wife wants to go to her friend’s house, a friend that has an overall good character, and her husband unreasonably denies her? Or what if the couple does not have any children, and he still prevents her from going to work or to college for a higher education degree, besides the primary education that he is required to provide for her, of course. Or what if he prevents her from traveling to a safe, happy enviornment for no sound reason? I know that a woman can list the right to all of these conditions in her marriage contract, but why should she have to enforce such requirements beforehand, or otherwise she loses her right?
HA18
Those are very good questions. Here are a few thoughts I have, again, I know very little about this matter but have had some personal experience:
1. These are conditions that are specified in Iranian marriage contracts. I am not sure how the marriage contracts for other Islamic countries are like. This is important to consider, because like you said, the contract can be changed in any way the couple sees fit. Because of this, I would challenge how rooted in Islam those are. If the Islamic Republic of Iran allows a couple to completely reverse these requirements (and speaking from personal experience, I have) then they are not something that is vajeb/mandatory to follow. Unfortunately for us in the world, Islam (and other religions) has some things that are black and white, but other things are in a gray area and are based on interpretation. Saudi Arabia says women don’t have the right to drive or vote and that is based on their Islamic interpretation. Who knows how the marriage contracts are. Iran’s standard marriage contract may have those rules written as a “base” but, again based on my personal experience, I know of versions of the marriage contract that are much more liberal that the Imam of my mosque sent me when I was in this process. Therefore, although it may have some basis, I wouldn’t exactly consider this to be purely Islam, but Islam probably mixed with cultural interpretation and a good amount of politics.
2. Yes, abusive husbands can do this to their wife. Consider this to be a good litmus test to see how fair and reasonable any future suitors are. However, at that point, Islam is not to blame, but that weakness in akhlaq of that spouse. This can also be flipped where women can “abuse” certain rules and make unfair financial demands of their husband. A woman can even charge for breastfeeding their child or demand very unreasonable dowries. I’d also like to point out that someone who is abusive and power hungry won’t actually care what any contract says. They will do what they want to do because they want to feel power and control. The good thing about having a contract that gives you as many rights as possible is that you can get your divorce in the Iranian court system with at least a little less of a fight.
3. Also, as I believe you live in the US, please realize they are Iran’s rules, not the rules here. If you live in the US, these rules mean nothing. Your husband cannot enforce them here.
Anonymous
Under Islam (at least under Shia), a husband cannot do something against that which his wife has stated in their marriage contract under no circumstances. However, the wife, the one who stated the condition in the contract, can change the condition. A wife also cannot do anything against the conditions that she willingly agreed to in her marriage contract, unless her husband gives her permission. People tell me not to worry about an abusive husband, but I mostly want to know what Islam really says about marriage and its rules. I would make my future soon-to-be husband swear on a Quran and sign in our marriage contract that he wil give me my rights, because then I would know if he is really true in his words; if he is, then he will have no problem signing to these rights. If he is not willing to put his words on paper, I would know not to marry him. Trust and love grow after marriage and they are key ingredients to marriage, but before marriage there needs to be more caution, in my opinion.
HA18
Yes, I completely agree and in my humble opinion you’re on the right path. I would totally worry about an abusive husband. It’s unfortunately much more common than any of us would think. Better to be safe than sorry. Good luck!
HA18
Salaam my dear sister,
I plan to comment later when I have a bit more time with some resources…but for now I wanted to leave you with some thoughts.
It does not matter if you are shia or not, all muslims have a very deep reverence with Hazrate Fatima Zahra (a.s.) and the Prophet’s first wife, Hazrate Khadijeh (a.s.).
I invite you to look at these two individuals, as arguably some of the TOP most important women in Islam, and think about your question.
Some immediate thoughts…Hazrate Khadijeh was richer and more successful than most men in the time of the Prophet (saws). Her role as a woman in Islam was EXTREMELY crucial in the success of the Prophet’s mission. Not only in terms of finance, but she was a huge emotional pillar of support for him. She was an absolutely incredible woman and her role was by no means to just satisfy any sexual needs.
Hazrate Fatima was given the land of Fadak from the Prophet (saws) and later had to fight for it in front of men. She played a large role in fighting for her husband’s right, Imam Ali (as) to the caliphate, and was also extremely crucial in success of the Prophet’s mission. If you really want to see how a Muslim man should treat a woman, you must first look at how the Prophet would treat his Fatima. I invite you to read the translation of Dua Hadith Kisa. I would like you to pay particular attention to where Gabriel requests permission to join the panjtan under the cloak. Allah tells Gabriel that under the cloak are, “They are the household of Prophethood and the core of the Message. They are namely Fatimah, her father, her husband, and her sons.” Please note that Allah did not say “they are namely Muhammad, his daughter, his grandsons, and his son-in-law” but the center is Hazrate Fatima (a.s.). This is Allah swt showing a great deal of respect for her.
Just very briefly…here is a website I immediately found which highlights how all encompassing the role of a woman is: http://www.whyislam.org/on-faith/status-of-women/
I have only just scratched the surface. As a shia, I am sure you have heard of Hazrate Zainab (a.s.), the sister of Imam Hussien (a.s.). Without Zainab, it can be argued that Imam Hussein’s sacrifice to literally save the religion of Islam would have been for nothing.
Reading between the lines, I wonder how some of the things your mom tells you affects your thoughts and expectations about marriage. I think it would be very helpful for you to write down what you expect from your future husband while married. What are the rights you want? What role do you want to play? How do you expect him to treat you if you disagree with him on something? Ask someone to look over your expectations (not your mom) and see what their opinions are.
Sending you lots of love. I will try to find you some more resources!