Don’t Settle.
Almost two years ago, I was close to being married to an awful person and live my life in a dreadful marriage.
It was the summer of my sophomore year of college. I had just found out that a guy from the MSA (so cliché!) was interested in me and wanted to approach my father in regards to marriage. My first thought was, me really?! I’ve never had anyone ask me for marriage before! As all my friends were getting marriage proposals, I was just the cute, corky girl who guys crush on but not necessarily ask for marriage. I was so flattered that someone saw me as a potential spouse or someone who wanted to get to know me more.
After he approached my parents, it all seemed to be going well. But things went downhill very soon, very quickly. Everyone always thinks that things don’t work out due to one big, unforgivable mistake but they’re wrong. It’s small subtle mistakes. Plenty of small branches burn quicker than one huge log.
So first he tried to make a move on me with the excuse that “we’ll be married soon.” Then he would tell me that when I get married to him to expect to change something about myself. No more wearing pants, just abayahs. He would cite Hadith and Quran with such grandeur reassuring his point that the way I dress and carry myself is not acceptable as a Muslim wife.
Slowly things started weighing me down. I’ve always dreamed of adopting children when I grow up and to work with non-profit organizations in international humanitarian relief and development. I was told to say goodbye to those dreams, a woman’s dreams should be in the household in the framework of motherhood and wifehood. My life should surround servicing him – not servicing others like I’ve always wanted to.
I told myself, since I don’t wear abayahs, I didn’t memorize the Quran or Hadith, since I was coming from a long past of mistakes and I’m not the “untainted pearl” like the other Muslim girls so hey, this is as good as it gets for me. This is the “best man” I could get so I settled.
And see that was the very problem – the very problem so many Muslim women accept. They settle.
I grew up in a household where my parents’ relationship was founded in love and Islam. They prayed together, ate together, fasted together, went on dates, and getaway trips alone and with all of us. They’re relationship was beautiful. They’re relationship wasn’t based of settlement but elevating each other to higher grounds, work to be better people.
Things got worse, and Alhamdulillah my parents called everything off. Afterward he became super disrespectful. I went through a lot mentally. I lost all my self-worth; I began doubting everything I am. I never thought that I would be one of those people who “tried” to get married – I wanted to find and marry the love of my life the first time around.
As one door closed, Allah opened a million doors for me. Within a month of things, I got hired by an amazing organization for one of my dream jobs, I built a great relationship with my parents, I got promoted in the organizations I volunteered with, but best of all I made some of the most wonderful friends ever.
I learned to never settle. I learned to work to be better, work towards Allah, and believe that I do deserve the best.
Whoever is reading this, I want to tell you that you deserve the best – don’t evereverever settle. Our best example on Earth is the Prophet. Yes no one can be exactly like him, but that only means you deserve and should search for the second best, then the best after, and the best after. Don’t start from the bottom-up, begin at the top, and stay at the top. Remember the best isn’t the one with an amazing job, or money, or anything tangible, it is the person with the biggest heart and character – the priceless, intangible things.
Today, I’ll be graduating college, working with a wonderful organization, having irreplaceable friends, a heart-full of dreams and aspirations, and all with a wonderful fiance not only supporting me but also encouraging me.
Zarina
Alhamdulillah you saw things for what they were before it was too late. Many people learn after it’s too late, experience life only to learn when you don’t know yourself, and you don’t love yourself, you will fall for anything that sounds like love and feels like love. I am learning finally at 38 what love really is Alhamdulillah. It’s wonderful you seen the bad side so now except the best, be treated royally, and of course give royally in return. Inshallah wish you all the best in life.
Anonymous
i’ve been married for 10 years now to the guy i waited for. it was not easy, but it has been worth it 1000 times over and over again. doing what’s right is always worth it – and it’s right not just for you, but for a guy you might marry who thinks he will be getting your whole heart when you don’t really want him, too. there’s everything wrong with marrying someone you don’t want to marry… don’t do it!
Anonymous
Subhanallah, I feel like I am reading my own life story. Such a bizarre feeling, but I’m amazed at how so many Muslim girls go though this problematic situation when trying to find a good husband. I firmly believe that a man should take you as you are when he first meets you and not try to subtly change things about you by convincing you that you aren’t good enough or spiritual or religious enough yet. The sharp decline in a woman’s self worth is devastating to her future as a wife and mother, because it can make her put too much weight on her (potentially) husband’s influence on her. I am so glad that you were able to put yourself and your goals first over a man that wasn’t truly happy and satisfied with you as his future wife. While a woman’s dreams and aspirations are in a sense ‘worldly’, accomplishing those things can make us thankful to Allah and even increase our Iman.
I am still in your situation (trying to marry a man who doesn’t think I’m good enough yet and wants me to change everything about myself and dispose of all my academic and professional goals), my parents haven’t said no to him yet. Half of me is secretly hoping that things don’t work out because I could be such a happier person without him instead of always feeling inadequate. I pray that I can put myself first in the end, just as you did.
Anonymous
I really enjoyed reading this post. I think many of us sisters have to deal with this and sometimes just ‘want to settle’.
Anonymous
Such an inspiring story! May Allah bless you like this forever and all of us.
I share some part of you story. I recently had a heart-break and since then starting questioning myself and my lifestyle. I was going to settle for someone that I initially wasn’t interested in. Only later, I realized that he wasn’t serious about marrying me and there were many signs that I shouldn’t have ignored.
After reading your story, I realized that the reason I wanted to put up with all of that was that I really wanted to settle and didn’t think I could get a better person than him (he has many good qualities or at least that is how he let me perceive). He was the best man I have ever meet, kind, considerate, understanding, educated, open-minded and consistent (what he said). However, there were things (a few) that was not what I expected, or didn’t seem right. I keep ignoring those saying that I could not get a better person than him.
Now after going so much pain, I realized that If I hadn’t settle for less the first place, I wouldn’t have been here. However, I am still in the self-doubt phase and I guess it take time to heal and re-focus.
B.ez
This story makes me want to tell all those women out there who settle: “You are your own advocate….Before you can advocate for anyone else, you must advocate for yourself!!” Go You! 🙂
Furri
I loved reading this. This was a great reminder to myself. Im so glad you didnt actually marry him and kill your dreams! As I was reading it, I was so worried! haha!
Anonymous
“begin at the top, and stay at the top” – such a great reminder.
such an encouraging, hopeful story, thanks for sharing!
Anonymous
you’re right. we’re all so busy trying not to be so selfish and conceded, sometimes we forget that we really are worth more and we forget to love ourselves! hopeful story (: