no friends
Dear Fatima,
I am a girl, a senior in high school, and I don’t have real friends. The meaning of a friend is someone who I don’t have to struggle to converse with. We naturally start talking when we see each other and it isn’t awkward. With friends, I don’t feel emotionally drained when they converse with someone else because I know that we can always have a good laugh whenever they are free. I have very few “friends” that fit this definition. The issue is that I am struggling to consider them as friends because we never hang out outside of school. They hang out with others but I’m always the one and only person who is given excuses. They say they have homework, other places to be, other things to do. I’m not even close to being a priority and thus my heart shatters because all they have for me is excuses. Thus, the point is that I have no friends. Even if I tell myself that I do, my heart knows that they are fake people. What should I do? Constantly being by myself and left on the side like an “extra” is killing my soul and there is no one who I can discuss this with me and who can provide real answers. Fatima, I am so frustrated and depressed, I just don’t know anymore.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,Finding people that we truly connect with and can have real, authentic relationships with it such a critical part of life. I can understand that finding yourself in this struggle can be really draining and frustrating. You are definitely not alone in it though!I’m sure you’ve looked through the site to see that lots of people feel the way you are, and that they are also feeling like they are ready to give up on the idea of ever having “true friends”.Many of the people I have talked to and worked with over the years, have said that these feelings were strongest for them in high school. It is likely the stage of development we are in when we are in high school, and in some cases the way that the schools are set up, but high school seems to bring out odd friend dynamics in many people. Knowing that might not make the experience less painful, but it might help to know that the feelings may go away as you leave this time in your life behind.Considering you are nearing the end of your high school career, it might be a good time to start broadening your networks. Perhaps there are things you can be a part of that are school or community related that will begin to introduce you to people that share your interests. Those “working” relationships can sometimes lead to deep and meaningful friendships. Checking out your either school affiliated or outside of school activities might give you some places to start. Our local library, for example, has spaces that different groups rent out. From browsing their listings, you can often find things like community groups that volunteer to help the needy, or a knitting club, or a support group, or tutoring club. You might be surprised how many interesting things are going on out there. Some mosques/masaajid or community centers have similar clubs.If you find that you are running into the same problem in other social circles, then I would suggest that you meet with a counselor who can hear from you more about what you are experiencing and work with your specific situation to see if there are ways for you to find friends that really get you and that you enjoy spending time with.wa ‘alaykum salam,Sincerely,Your sister in Islam,“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
The good news is, this is the end of high school. My senior year was exactly the same, it seemed like nobody wanted to be ‘friends’…I wasn’t allowed to hang out with people outside of school, so the people who hung out- obviously built memories, bonds that I couldn’t and eventually they phased me out.
I decided, it’s the end of high school- and I won’t stress about friendships. Graduate and get yourself outta there. Most of us find out lifelong friend either in Kindergarten or College. I never made friends up until college where I learnt from the past few years of life and applied the knowledge to “take it easy” on friends and friendships. Can you believe I tried to befriend around 100-200 people during four years o college and even though I am in touch with about 5-10 of those people as an acquaintance, I have one AMAZING friend who I never get to meet but we talk on the phone every day.
I’m telling you my story so that you realize you have a lifetime of opportunities ahead of you. Up until high school, people are a little immature but through college they grow as people. Give yourself the chance to grow. Learn from your friendships in HS, don’t be too critical of them. Learn how to shrug it off if nobody wants to hang out.
There are A LOT of people in this world to choose from. Sometimes we just pick the wrong ones as “friends” and allow them to make us feel like crap. Try not to get too emotionally attached to people…my dad always used to say friends come and go, but family stays forever. And its true…out of all the gazillions of “friends” i made in my life- i’m only in touch with one and the rest of my support/life is family.
Wishing you all the best.
HA18
It’s really good that you are setting standards for who you would consider as a “friend”. A lot of people go through life keeping people in their lives who cause nothing but drama and hurt but they keep them because they fear losing them and being alone. Being able to strip away people who don’t value you and have the same values in their heart as yours is very important for your happiness. So, good for you for thinking about what is important for you in a friendship.
Having said that, it’s actually really hard to find people who fit our definition of “friend”. As we get older, our situations change, our networks broaden, we eventually end up meeting new people and we may find that there are only a few people we feel comfortable calling “friend”. Sometimes, as years pass and our situations continue to change, the same people we once considered close friends may just become friends and other people become close friends.
Going through your senior year is exciting because you will soon, iA, be entering college. College is a GREAT place to make new friends, especially when you join various organizations and find people to study with. So don’t feel despair, this situation won’t last forever.
You can take the difficulty that you are in now and the feelings of loneliness to discover more about yourself and what kind of personalities and attributes are important to you in a friend. It will also help you become a better friend, not only to others, but most importantly to yourself. As people come and go in your life, you will find happiness when you make sure you treat yourself as number 1 and pay attention to how you are maturing and growing as a human being.
I wish you nothing but beautiful and meaningful relationships in your future.