anxious and sad
salam im a 16 year old girl and i failed at something. i believe i deserved to fail at it because i didn’t put in the time and effort so i think i was displaying to allah that i didn’t want it enough. i can tell my dad is very hurt and disappointed even if he’s not showing it. he sacrificed a lot for me and is going to have to again. I spend hours wasting time and i cant seem to stop. this thing i must accomplish is very difficult for me. i know allah can make the impossible possible. i really want a stronger relationship with him. this isnt really related but since im going through something i might as well add that i feel like a very lonely person and i know allah is always with you but i would love to have have a better perception on life and change my bad habits like wasting time , etc. Im basically a mess and i want to know to live my life better and truly believe allah will ease my difficulty.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Failure is tough. It’s especially tough when we realize that we didn’t really try our best — or not trying our best is sometimes we protect ourselves from the fear we aren’t able to succeed.
Regardless of what reason motivated your behavior, seeing the disappointment on your father’s face and feeling regretful is not necessarily a bad feeling. Allah created regret so that we would try harder; it’s a natural part of our ability to self reflect and decide how to be better each day.
Allah is with us when we feel good AND when we are feeling like we could be better.
I think a lot of times we begin to believe that Allah doesn’t love us if we aren’t perfect, and that we are alone when we mess up because Allah leaves us or turns away from us. Rather, Allah has created within us all the tools we need to keep walking towards Allah and towards our best selves. So as long as we keep walking towards our best selves Allah is happy with us because we are engaged in the struggle…. we haven’t given up.
So yeah it doesn’t feel good…. and please don’t give up because you have the power to make it better.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima Z”
Also be sure to check out the comment(s) below by your friends at Stones to Bridges, where, you’re not alone!
Nada Elessawy
Asalamu Alaikum,
I would like to start this off by, as cheesy as this may seem, mentioning something that my mom always tells me: if you believe in Allah and that he has your best interest at heart, he will help you and lift you up. This may not happen immediately, but it definitely will happen at some point down the line. Allah will never abandon a believer, especially one that wants to build a stronger relationship with him. Faith is one of the most powerful tools at a person’s disposal, and holding onto it (as you are doing now) will do you wonders. The fact that you believe in Allah says alot about you. It tells me that you have the will to move forward while holding onto your religion. It tells me that you are powerful enough to continue believing even when something difficult happens. It tells me that you are a person with a pure heart.
I really do understand how failure is a difficult thing to go through. Conceptually, we understand that it’s something that is bound to happen throughout our lifetimes, but when it happens it hurts. However, I want you to know that failures do help. They move us forward and allow us to grow. They are an experience that allow us to understand our mistakes. They are something that we can overcome.
I’ve gone through failures multiple times. For instance, in middle school I failed my English class during the first semester of the year. And it hurt, I knew I could have done better. I saw my mom’s disappointment and sadness, because like your dad she’s sacrificed so much for me, and will continue to do so. In my case, I knew it was because I wouldn’t put my time and effort into my class and I saw the consequences. So I decided that I would use that experience to propel me forward. I gritted my teeth, and worked my way up the following semester, and I was happy with the result. Of course it was not easy, and I still do procrastinate. But, I’ve learned over the years how to manage it. I learned how to sense when I’ve spent too much time on something else, and I would tear myself away from what I was doing. Of course there are still times when I underestimate how much time I’d need and suffer a setback as a result, but it was never too extreme.
From your writing, I can see that you have the motivation for change, and that is the most crucial element. You were even motivated enough to write a post here, which is never an easy thing to do. So I really do believe that you’ll be able to change your approach to things as well as your habits. How long it takes does not matter, because, even for me, it’s been six years since I’ve failed that class and I still have issues with procrastination. But I’ve improved at my own pace, and I still plan to do so. Improving at your own pace will make it possible for your change in behavior to last. I really do think that what you went through has allowed you to understand how much time you personally need to complete your tasks in a way that would make you happy with the result.
I want you to know that your dad loves you, and what you went through will not change that fact. What he wants for you is your success. Since your success is something that both you and your dad want, then you should make use of that. There is only so much advice that I can tell you, but he knows a lot about you, from your little quirks to your talents. I know that this might seem difficult, but I want you to have an open conversation with him. Let him know that you are having trouble changing your bad habits and you’d like to have advice from him to help you. If that’s not something you’re comfortable doing, then talk to someone close to you, and try to figure out a method that works best for you. And I promise you there is one.
While I can’t give you personalized advice, I can give you some methods to help stop procrastinating that have helped me or other people. Try them out bit by bit, scrap the ones that don’t seem to work, and stick to the ones that do. For some people, a list of objectives help. So what you can do is know what assignments you have, and break them down into sections, and create your own timetable for when you’d ideally like to have them finished. The key is to treat that timetable as a setter for deadlines. For assignments due in the long term, you can create your own deadline for each part of the assignment. Each time you finish an item on your to do list, reward yourself with a small timed break. That way, your breaks will serve as both a source of motivation and a refresher to allow you to become more productive. There are also apps that will allow you to lock certain apps or websites that distract you. That way, you’ll close off one of your routes to procrastinating. You can also try to make studying a little more entertaining. This can be done by trying to remember things through the use of funky phrases, songs, mnemonic devices, or even silly doodles. One more thing that comes to mind to me that would be helpful would be figuring out how to put yourself in a quiet space away from others while you work. Find a place that you’d love to be productive in, whether its your room, a cafe, or a library. You can also create a space by simply putting in earphones and listening to something to block off distracting noises.
Lastly, of course it is perfectly fine to feel loneliness while knowing that Allah is always with you. The two do not contradict one another, nor does being lonely make you a bad person. I find that the best way to deal with loneliness is to keep in close contact to at least one or two friends that you absolutely adore, and build a strong connection with them. It does take time and effort, and the road will be a little rough at first but I promise it’ll be worth it. Hold onto those people, initiate plans with them even if it’s outside of your comfort zone. I also want you to know that while you may feel alone at times, you are never truly alone. There is always someone out there that is thinking about you, even if it might not seem like it. From your dad, to those close friends that might not know how to show their affection, to even me, a person who has never met you, but still wishes for your success and happiness. I really do think that you can succeed, and that you have what it takes, no matter how difficult it might be.
Best wishes,
Nada Elessawy