Marriage phobia due to CPTSD

Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

How difficult it must have been to endure invalidation by a mental health professional you trusted. I would not lose hope in all mental health professionals, however. Half the battle is finding a therapist who is a right fit. In your case, preferably a therapist who has expertise in complex trauma. You may find some respite in reading (see: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm) but true healing will only come from effective trauma treatment. It’s almost like reading about how to ride a bicycle vs. learning by physically riding one.

Your previous memory suppression was part of your body’s protective mechanism. Your body must have felt safe and that you are no longer in survival mode so the memories were released for you to finally process. Both your mental health and the health of your future marriage will depend on healing from and processing your trauma. Forcing yourself to get married or do anything that you are not ready for will only exacerbate your C-PTSD symptoms. Your fear responses are only your body’s way of trying to protect itself. Therapy will help you replace shame about your body’s protective mechanisms with gratitude. Once you learn how to actively protect yourself with appropriate boundaries and self-advocacy, your body will start trusting you and reduce the need to protect herself, eventually eliminating the need for fight or flight symptoms. Also surround yourself with loved ones, engage in grounding techniques and activities that bring you joy. Rediscover who you are. Part of your therapy should also involve focusing on your strengths to help with self-empowerment. Above all listen to your body and give her all she needs to feel a deep sense of safety (which basically means do not do anything you don’t want to). Finally, continue strengthening your connection with Allah and ask Him for guidance in your healing journey. He is the witness of all things, and knows truly all that you have experienced and the validity of your feelings. Who better to put your trust and your life in than the hands of Al-Muhaymin.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “AH”

Assalamualaikum dear Sister,

I am deeply sorry to hear about the situation you are going through. I can only imagine the emotions and challenges you must be facing. However, I am heartened to know that your faith and connection with Allah have grown stronger during this difficult time. It’s truly a remarkable achievement to find gratitude amid such trials.Islam emphasizes the value of human dignity, and Allah is Al-Rahman (The Most Merciful). What you have gone through is a profound test, and acknowledging your pain is the first step towards healing. Allah knows the depth of your struggles and does not expect you to bear more than you can handle (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286). Emotional and psychological wounds are just as valid as physical ones, and there is no shame in seeking help and healing for them.

The verse from the Qur’an, “Surely there is ease after hardship” , serves as a powerful reminder that
approaching trials with patience and faith can lead to rewards far greater than the challenges themselves.

In times when everything seems overwhelming, it’s crucial to remember that our attitude and patience can transform a negative situation into a positive one. By remaining steadfast and trusting in Allah, we can find hope and strength, knowing that He is always with us.

Marriage and Social Expectations: It is understandable that societal and parental expectations around
marriage may feel overwhelming. However, Islam teaches that there is no rush or obligation to marry at a particular time if one is not ready. Your emotional and mental well-being is paramount, and rushing into a marriage while carrying unresolved trauma could be harmful for you and your potential spouse. It is okay to take time to heal, and you are not obligated to meet anyone’s expectations if doing so would hurt you. Your fear response in the presence of non-mahram men is a trauma-related reaction, not a failing on your part. Islam acknowledges the need for personal boundaries and safety, especially in sensitive matters. If you feel that marriage is too overwhelming right now, it is okay to prioritize your healing journey. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also taught us to prioritize safety and peace in our lives.

Dealing with Tokophobia, This fear is a legitimate condition, and it is important to address it with care and understanding. Islam emphasizes kindness towards oneself. Your fear doesn’t make you any less worthy in the eyes of Allah. You are allowed to approach marriage and family life at your own pace, and even consider options for alternative paths like adoption or other supportive roles in the community, if or when
the time comes.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed right now. Trauma recovery is an ongoing process, and it’s natural to feel lost while trying to rediscover your path. Take things step by step, and allow yourself time to heal before making any major decisions. Allah says, “And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out, and will provide for him from where he does not expect.” (Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3). Trust that as you continue your
journey with Allah, clarity and guidance will come. Don’t hesitate to seek support from other Muslims who understand the importance of mental health. There may be faith-based support groups, counselors, or scholars who can provide you with a more compassionate perspective on your trauma and healing journey.

In summary, prioritize your healing journey, strengthen your relationship with Allah, and know that your worth is not defined by societal expectations. Take your time, seek supportive and validating professional help, and know that Allah is with you every step of the way.

Warm regards

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “MK”

Assalam Alaykum dear sister,

I cannot imagine all of the heavy burden you must have been carrying throughout the years. It seems your body has finally decided to let some of that go, and it is resulting in flashbacks. A little while ago, I had a friend confess to me that one of her family members had also sexually abused her and it was difficult to know what to say. These are very hard topics, and it may not always be easy to speak to someone, but I feel that it is really important to find someone you trust to lighten your burden a bit. You mentioned that you spoke to a psychologist for a few years but that she wasn’t understanding the difficulty you went through. If it is a possibility, you could try to find another psychologist, one grounded in more Islamic understanding who you can connect with. Connection is so important, and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you’re struggling alone. A professional can lend a compassionate ear and provide you with insight into how to move forward. If you feel comfortable you could also speak to your parents- or just your mom about what happened to you. If they don’t know, they might keep continuing to pressure you into a marriage that you are not ready for. Alhamdulilah, it is great to read that you feel this has improved your connection to Allah as this is a very difficult trial to experience and something I’ve heard before is that Allah gives His strongest soldiers the most difficult tests. Never give up hope and know that Allah hears all of your duas! As far as being afraid of getting married/males in general, it is completely understandable given your situation why you would be feeling this way. Again, I would lovingly suggest that you speak to your parents or a parent that you feel more comfortable with as open communication can help. Of course, I understand that not every family is privileged to have this and so you know your family best. Some other things you could do is read more about marriage and how Rasool’Allah (saw) fondly dealt with all his wives. It could help you to create more positive connections with men and marriage in general.

I pray that Allah brings ease to you, and blesses you with the very best of this life and the next, ameen!