Physical and mental abuse from my father

Physical and mental abuse from my father

I a 20 year old male am tortured by my father mentally and physically. My father ever since i was a child never really supported me with my decisions very much if it’s not to his liking then I’m in the wrong even if I’m not doing anything bad. I was not a very bright student and it was mostly my fault and because of it my father made me feel pressured a lot sometimes he even beat me. Once i came from my private tution my teacher also came she complained to my parents i was not studying i was very distracted and all when my teacher left my father was furious with me and he dragged me to my room and beat me and locked me in for few hours after a while my mother came in and clamed me. My father and mother both worked at a company until my father was kicked out of the company in 2020 i was in 6th or 7th grade on that year i did very poorly in my school and when my father heard about my results he leactured me for quite sometime during this he said that he was fired from his job because of me . He said that i was unlucky for him every bad thing happens to him because i am unlucky. As i said before i wasn’t a bright student i failed my boards a year back when the result of my board exam came i couldn’t face my parents especially my father because i was afraid what he would say or do to me but even if i didn’t tell he would know one way or another. After the results came out i told my mother via phone call as she was in office and i was out of my house my mother hearing the news was a upset and angry but she told me to clam myself down and to go home get fresh and i went home. When i arrived home my father opened the door was furious at me because i failed my boards he dragged me to my room and started beating me eventually i started to cry . After sometime he stopped and went to his room and didn’t talked to me for a while. And today now i am in college i was running a bit late so i asked my father to serve the breakfast for me so i can take it and go out for college. He did as i requested and he came in my room with the breakfast in hand i told my father to take back the plate to the dining table because there was no place in my room for him to place the plate. (and to let you know till now i didn’t even touched the plate) When he heard me say that he went back and accidentally dropped the plate close to the dining table so i rushed to check what happened after i heard the noise and saw that he dropped the plate. Before I could say anything he balmed it on me that he dropped the plate because of me. I was just flabbergasted why he balmed it on me when i didn’t even touched the plate. He said that when i saw him coming in my room with the plate why i didn’t take the plate from him for that reason he accidentally dropped the plate and breakfast prepared for me was ruined. When i heard this accusation i got angry and talked back because i had nothing to do with it he didn’t liked the oart i talked back and name calling me this and that at the heat of the moment i said something by the front door of the house while going out to college and he held my coller and dragged me and shoved me to my room and went to the other room and came back with a big stick because he wanted to beat me with it and said that he would kill me today but he didn’t beat me today maybe because he saw me so afraid and he didn’t let me go yo college today. I don’t want to endure this anymore and i don’t even know what to do anymore

Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.

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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:

Assalaamu Alaikum Brother,
 
It is an extremely difficult situation to be physically and mentally abused by your own father. Be assured that none of the abuse is or ever has been your fault. It is parents’ job to provide a safe and stable environment for their children. It is their job to regulate their own emotions and manage their anger no matter what their child does. It is NEVER ok to hit a child or adult child and it is never ok to emotionally abuse them either. You deserve to be protected, loved and feel safety no matter if your grades are high or low, if you study or not. You deserve love and protection because Allah chose you to be on this earth and it is their responsibility to take care of this gift from Allah no matter what.
 
I know it is difficult to escape this environment or change your fathers abusive tendencies, but you need support in any way you can get it especially because he is threatening to kill you. If you have a relative or friend, you can reach out to or stay with when you feel unsafe that would be a great option. Since you are now an adult, work towards gaining financial independence. Find a job and save as much as you can until you have enough to move out, especially if you have no other support or protection. Calling the appropriate authorities would also be an option when you feel unsafe. Many universities offer free counseling or therapy. Reach out to your university and see if you can have access to these services. A counselor can help you heal from the trauma that you have experienced and guide you in the best way to stay safe inshaAllah. May Allah protect you and give you the strength to advocate for yourself and find a safe and healthy environment. May Allah soften the heart of your father, eliminate his anger and make him a healthy parent for you Ameen.   
 
Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima AH”

Response from an additional “Fatima Counselor”:

I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this. What you described is not your fault, and it is not normal discipline, it is physical and emotional abuse. You did nothing to deserve being beaten, threatened, blamed, or humiliated. Anyone in your place would feel scared, angry, confused, and exhausted.

First, I want to say this clearly: You are not unlucky. You did not cause your father to lose his job. You are not a bad son because you struggled in school. Being beaten and threatened is never justified ever. What your father has done over the years; hitting you, locking you in a room, threatening to kill you, blaming you for his failures is serious abuse. It leaves deep emotional wounds, and the fear you felt today is a normal response to being unsafe. Right now, what matters most is your safety. When your father is angry: Do not argue or explain (even if accusations are unfair).

Keep responses short: “Okay.” “I’ll do it.” “I’m sorry. “Leave the space if possible (bathroom, terrace, outside, neighbor) This is not surrender it’s self-protection. When someone says “I will kill you” and brings a weapon (like a stick), that is a real danger, even if they didn’t act on it this time. If this happens again: try not to argue back in that moment (not because you’re wrong but because your safety comes first). Get to a locked room, a neighbor’s house, or a public place if you can.

You do not have to endure this silently. You may feel trapped, but there are options, even if they don’t feel clear right now. Talk to someone outside your home. A college counselor, trusted teacher, relative, friend’s parent, or social worker. You deserve support. Most colleges have counseling or student welfare offices. You can tell them you are facing violence at home, they take this seriously.

You’ve been living in survival mode for years. Try this if you can: Sit somewhere quiet. Take slow breaths: in for 4 seconds, out for 6 seconds (repeat 5–10 times).

Remind yourself silently: “I survived something very hard. I am not weak. I deserve peace. “You are not broken. You are someone who has been hurt repeatedly and is still standing.

I’m glad you spoke up here that took courage. What happened to you took years. Healing and change happen step by step, not all at once.

One thing you must never believe, you’re not cursed. You did not ruin your family. Your worth is not defined by grades. Many strong, successful people struggled academically and survived abusive homes. Stop sharing vulnerable information at home. Do not share exam, stress, failures, plans, or emotions with him because your dad is lacking emotional control and so he will react. Try to keep conversations neutral and minimal
Emotional distance is self-defense, not disrespect. Or try to communicate to your mom. You’re surviving something very hard and that already shows strength. 

Warm regards,
 
From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV” 

Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:

I cannot imagine the amount of pain, hurt, frustration, and sorrow you are feeling.

Every child has the right to feel safe, loved, protected, and cared for at home. I am sorry that you did not receive this growing up and that you are still struggling with the abuse from your father. Do you have a trusted friend or family member with whom you could talk? Having the space to get everything off your chest with someone who can lend a compassionate ear may be beneficial for you. It was an amazing and brave step that you took to reach out here. As both Fatima counselors have mentioned, your school may also offer counseling services that you can utilize. The important thing is that you remember that you are not alone. There are people and services out there who want to help.
You are brave, valued, and seen. You are not the source of your parents’ difficulties, as children are a blessing and part of a parent’s responsibility (especially a father’s) to care for, provide for, and protect. Growing up, it is likely that your father was never taught and did not learn on his own how to manage and deal with his emotions. This does not excuse his behaviour, but it may help to understand where he is coming from.

I hope and pray that you find yourself in a healthier and more loving environment where you feel respected and cherished.

All the Best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL

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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.

Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/harm-mistreatment-by-parents/

2 thoughts on “Physical and mental abuse from my father”

  1. Purelight

    As salaamu alaikum beloved brother. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that you are having this experience. I’ve lived a bit of abuse in my life time as well and understand how confusing navigating that world could be. What keeps going through my mind is, HOW SPECIAL YOU MUST BE THAT SOMEONE AROUND YOU IS SO AFFECTED BY YOUR PRESENCE THAT THEY WANT TO BREAK IT. I know you can’t see it but there is light at the end of this tunnel. Allah promised it. Just don’t give up. Don’t take any of this as something you are doing wrong. Just haven’t found the solution. I love you for the sake of Allah and ask that you just hold on. A time will come where you will be able to make a decision for yourself that you will no longer have these experiences. I will keep you in my Duas for guidance to these answers and and release from this experience.
    Your sister in Islam Purelight

  2. Habiba K

    Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Brother.

    I sense your pain, and my heart truly goes out to you. You are living through an extremely difficult and painful situation, and I want to acknowledge your courage in reaching out. What you are describing is a pattern of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, and none of it is your fault. Your feelings are valid and understandable. Feeling angry, confused, numb, hopeless, or exhausted is a natural response to prolonged abuse. The fact that you are not only reflecting on what is happening, but also making a genuine effort to seek help, is a powerful testament to your strength, resilience, and self-awareness.

    Please know, deeply and without doubt, that you are not unlucky. Nothing about who you are brings misfortune to others. You are a human being with inherent worth, capable of growth, learning, and change. The challenges you have faced do not define you as a source of bad luck; they are simply a part of the circumstances of life.

    Your academic struggles do not make you a failure. Many intelligent and capable people do struggle academically when they are living under fear, pressure, and instability. Ongoing stress and abuse can deeply affect concentration, memory, motivation, and confidence. What you have experienced would impact anyone in similar circumstances.

    The behaviors your father has shown, beating you, locking you in a room, threatening your life, blaming you for his job loss, and attempting to control your education, are often ways of exerting control. Even when a parent is angry, stressed, or disappointed, this behavior is never justified. And his claim that you caused his job loss is an attempt to shift blame and avoid taking responsibility for his own circumstances. People who struggle to face their own difficulties sometimes project their frustration onto a vulnerable target. You are most definitely not the cause of his problems.

    I understand how hard it may be in your situation to hold back, but parents have an important place in our deen and maintaining respectful conduct on your part remains important. You cannot control their actions, but you can control your own responses and choices.

    Your safety must be the priority. Building a safety plan, even a simple one, can make a critical difference. Identify at least one place you can go quickly if a situation escalates, such as a relative’s home, a trusted friend’s place, or another secure location. Using support services also can provide practical help and reassurance. There are organizations that support adults who are abused by parents, offering confidential assistance without judgment, including help with safety planning and temporary housing options.
    Staying temporarily with a relative, a trusted family friend, or someone connected to your community may be a viable option. Also, please consider speaking with a trustworthy adult about what you are experiencing. An imam, counselor, or respected elder may be able to provide guidance, mediation, and protection. Silence often allows abuse to continue, whereas reaching out is a meaningful step toward safety and healing.

    I also would strongly encourage you to seek professional mental health support. A therapist, especially one who is culturally sensitive, can help you process trauma, develop coping strategies, and begin rebuilding your sense of self-worth after the emotional and physical harm you have endured.
    In the long term, independence should be the goal, even if leaving immediately is not possible. This situation does not have to be permanent. Continuing your education can be a pathway toward distance, stability, and independence.

    May Allah ease your pain, protect you, and guide you toward safety, healing, and peace.

    Your Sister in Islam
    Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K