Relationship with parents- Please reply ASAP
Dear Fatima,
im a 20 year old girl In US. My mom yells at me every single day when I try to take care of myself. If I buy anything nice for myself she yells at me, if I buy something I need she yells at me. And if I get something to eat she yells at me too. What do I do Fatima, I just want to die. I’m so lonely and have lost all my friends. Now my parents despise me too. What should I do with myself? Please help me
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Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I can hear the loneliness in your post. I’m so sorry that you feel so alone and that makes you wonder about dying.
If you think that you are seriously considering ending your life, please have the courage to reach out to a friend or adult mentor, a teacher or someone else who will help you get safe. There is also a crisis line for Muslims called Naseeha (1-866-Naseeha / 1-866-627-3342 / Mon – Fri 6pm – 9pm).
I wonder why you feel distant from your friends? Did something happen to make that the case?
I’m not sure why your mom yells, and I can only imagine how you feel when you can’t make sense of it.
Remember, no matter how alone you feel, your are never fully alone. I would encourage you to find stable, loving adults in your community or school who can be there for you and help you feel connected. Just make sure you find them in safe places — like a support group at a school or community center, or perhaps a family friend that understands your situation, or, if possible, a counselor or therapist that can help guide you through all the feelings you are struggling with.
Allah (swt) is always listening, so whether or not you find a person to talk to, you might choose to reach out to Allah and ask for guidance about how to keep yourself safe, and navigate the situation you are in.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima W”
Khadeja
Asalamu alaikum,
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time. I am proud of you for reaching out for help. I’m sure you know this, but just to reiterate, there’s no shame in seeking help, in fact the prophet (pbuh) encouraged us to do so. Further, there is no shame in seeking help from a counselor or therapist in your community, or perhaps your masjid if there are qualified individuals. 🙂
Unfortunately, the issue you’ve described with your mom is an incredibly common issue among young Muslim adults in the United States. I’ve met people who have full time careers after graduating college who continue to have the exact same issue with their families. I’m not sure what your family history is like, or if you’re the daughter of immigrants, but a common reason for our parents penny-pinching is that our parents struggled so much to make ends meet growing up, that any extra penny that was spent that didn’t need to be (e.g., buying without a coupon, buying name brand items when the off brand is cheaper) is incredibly difficult to let go. Alhumdulillah our parents struggles have placed us in a more comfortable position, where we can afford to indulge. And it’s okay to indulge every now and then. Self-care is SO important. And just like qalb_healer 25 said, indeed, your mother undoubtedly loves you. People of “different” cultures show their love in different ways. Its hard to look at things from other peoples perspectives sometimes, but it can be necessary for understanding. Your mom may scream because perhaps it was how she was raised, and it’s all she knows to do. She may not verbalize her love, however, through acts of love such as making sure your fed, cleaning the home, making sure your home at a certain time (although this could be annoying, haha) only happen because she cares. May Allah strengthen your relationship with your mother, and may your relationship with her improve, ameen.
Regarding your friends, I’m sorry to hear that you feel as though you’ve lost them. Have you tried reaching out to invite someone over, go out for coffee, ect.? Maybe your friends are too shy to reach out to others, and may be delighted to hear from you. Another option is to join community clubs and events, such as book clubs, masjid events, ect. If you are in college, getting involved on campus is a great way to meet new people, too.
I promise you that you are never alone, always loved, and forever cared for. I encourage you to continue praying, even if you don’t feel like it, as Allah (swt) is always, always, always listening. I pray that nothing but the best comes your way.
Brother " Y "
Dear Sister,
I do not know the financial situation of your family. Sometimes when families are facing a financial crises, they get angry if a family member buys something for themselves or if they buy something to eat. Such families try to save money. They will buy groceries and will expect that all members of the family prepare their meals at home. They will discourage buying anything from outside to eat. Just be patient, these difficult times will go away. Practice patience with your five daily prayers. Read Quran daily after fajr or during anytime with translation.
Sincerely,
Brother ” Y “
qalb healer_25
salam sister! i am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. i also have a strained relationship with my mom and she screams at me as well about everything and nothing. i have tried to search for what reason it may be but i suggest you stop looking at yourself if you believe you are not in the wrong. all we can do is make dua that Allah (SWT) makes it easier on us and allows our mothers to see the pain their words cause us. i try to remember that our mothers care about us ultimately although they may be misconstrued.
as for your friends, why do you feel distanced? maybe reach out to some you feel comfortable with and express your feelings of loneliness and express to them what’s happening inside. As Fatima said, you need a support system in this time of hardship and you’re already doing great by reaching out here 🙂 Whether it be a trusted family member/family friend, counselor, or a friend, reach out and maybe there will be some weight lifted off your shoulders. Personally, when I confided in my friends, I felt better with that support. I am sure you have friends that will come to your aid, and if they knew what you were going through, things might change. No matter what, Allah (SWT) IS ALWAYS THERE. He is always listening when you’re crying and seeking his refuge, and you are in his company when you believe you are alone. You are not alone, sister. We are here. Please seek out help and express your pain to others- you are valued, you are strong, you are loved.