Allah deserves better than me
Assalamu alaikum, I am 23f currently in therapy and trying to find the right combination of medication. So far, I have been diagnosed with several conditions, but the most prominent are depression, c-ptsd, anxiety, OCD, and possibly ADHD.
I have been struggling with severe, debilitating depression for many years. My mind has been fighting itself since I was around 11 years old, and I am exhausted.
The difficult part is that I love Allah more than anything. I am genuinely grateful that Allah allowed me to know Him in this lifetime. My faith is precious to me. But at the same time, the suffocating weight of depression makes everything feel unbearably difficult.
To be honest, one of the verses I struggle with most is “Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.” I know the verse is true, but when I am drowning in depression, it becomes difficult for me to reconcile my lived experience with it. My depression has left wounds and scars that I am still trying to heal from, and some days I feel as though I am carrying more than I can possibly endure.
I try my best to pray my salah, but I struggle. I struggle with fasting as well because of my eating disorder. Ramadan often becomes a cycle of obsessive thoughts, urges to binge, urges to purge, and constant mental battles. Instead of feeling spiritually present, I often spend the month simply trying to survive. I end up feeling like a failure in every area of my life.
I know that Allah decreed these illnesses for me as part of my test, but sometimes I feel heartbroken. It feels as though I am fighting on multiple fronts at once. Not only am I battling Shaytan and my nafs, but I am also battling my own brain every single day.
From the moment I wake up, the struggle begins. It follows me throughout the day, bleeds into my dreams at night, and greets me again when I wake up in the morning. Many days I wake up dreading the fact that I am awake. I hate feeling this way. I hate how exhausting it is to simply exist.
What hurts the most is that I want so much more from my relationship with Allah.
I dream of having a weekly “date” with Allah every Friday, a special time dedicated to loving and worshipping Him beyond the obligations. I imagined spending quality time with Him through the five love languages: reading a surah, reflecting deeply on its meanings, sharing those reflections with Allah through dua, praising Him based on what I learned, expressing gratitude, and drawing closer to Him. But even that feels impossible.
Today I tried reflecting on a short surah. While reading, my OCD immediately started attacking me. I became trapped in perfectionism, worrying that I was not understanding correctly, not reflecting correctly, not expressing myself correctly. My thoughts scattered in a thousand different directions. Eventually I developed a headache and became completely burnt out.
Then came the dua. Even speaking felt exhausting. The brain fog was overwhelming. Sitting still felt impossible. Forming thoughts felt difficult. I felt like I did not want to be here anymore. By the end, I felt drained rather than connected.
And that is what breaks my heart. I hate that every act of worship requires so much effort when I desperately want it to feel beautiful and easy. Sometimes worship reminds me that I am alive, and when depression is severe, even being alive feels painful. In such moments I resent worship because I don’t wish for any reminders of me still breathing.
There are moments when I wish I had never existed at all. I am tired of surviving one second, one minute, one day at a time.
Sometimes I am not even looking forward to Jannah. The idea of continuing to exist, going through life, death, questioning, the Day of Judgment, and then eternity, feels overwhelming to me when I am already struggling so much with the present moment.
I know Allah is Ash-Shakūr, the Most Appreciative. I know He rewards even the smallest sincere effort. But just because Allah appreciates my efforts does not stop me from wishing I could give Him more.
That is the source of so much of my grief. I feel like Allah deserves more from me than what I am able to give. I wish I could worship Him with all the energy, consistency, presence, gratitude, and devotion that exists in my heart. I wish my actions reflected the love I have for Him.
Instead, there is this painful gap between what I want to give and what I am capable of giving.
No matter how hard I try, I feel as though I never reach the level of worship I long for. Everything feels difficult. Everything feels boring. Everything feels heavy.
I am still trying to find a medication that helps with my motivation, focus, and energy. But right now, everything in life feels like being forced to study a subject you dread every single day just to survive. Waking up, eating, praying, sleeping, existing, it all requires an enormous amount of effort. And I am so tired.
I love Allah. I love His creation. I want to give back to His creation. I want to worship Him. I want to serve Him sincerely.
If Allah knows how much I love Him, how much I wish to worship Him, and how much I want to do good, then why was I given a mind that makes every step toward those things feel so difficult?
I feel as though I am slowly withering away while desperately trying to hold on to Him at the same time.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu, my dear sister,
Before anything else, I want you to know that your letter does not sound like someone who loves Allah too little. It sounds like someone who loves Him deeply while carrying an unimaginably heavy illness. The gap you describe between your love for Allah and what you are able to do is heartbreaking but it is not hidden from Allah. He knows the worship you long to offer even when your body and mind cannot carry it out.
You wrote, “Allah deserves better than me.” But Allah does not need our worship; we are the ones in need of Him. Allah says:
“If you disbelieve, indeed Allah is free of need from you. Yet He does not approve disbelief for His servants. And if you are grateful, He approves it for you.” (Qur’an 39:7)
Allah is The Self-Sufficient. Your worship does not increase His greatness, nor do your struggles diminish it. What He loves is your sincerity, your humility, and your constant turning back to Him , even when you feel broken. I don’t believe Allah is looking at you and thinking, “She isn’t giving Me enough.” Rather, He sees a servant who wakes up every day carrying an illness that drains her energy, clouds her thoughts, and fills her heart with pain and yet she still longs for Him. That longing is itself an act of worship.
Allah did not ask you to worship Him with someone else’s body, mind, or circumstances. He asked you to worship Him with the heart and ability He has given you. Your “100%” is not the same as another person’s “100%.” On days when depression leaves you with only 1%, giving Allah that 1% sincerely may be more beloved to Him than someone else’s effortless acts of worship.
You wrote that every act of worship feels heavy. The Prophet ( SAW) taught us that Allah rewards people according to the hardship they endure when they are patient and sincere. Your struggle is not invisible. Every wudu that feels impossible, every prayer you force yourself to stand for, every moment you resist despair Allah knows it all. It also struck me that you feel guilty because you cannot enjoy worship the way you wish. But worship is not only measured by how much sweetness we feel. Sometimes the most beloved worship is the one performed through tears and exhaustion. There are seasons when Allah grants sweetness, and there are seasons when He grants steadfastness. Both are gifts.
Please don’t let OCD convince you that Allah is impossible to please. Allah is not waiting for the perfect reflection, the perfect du’a, or the perfect concentration. He is Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful). He knows the sentence you couldn’t finish, the du’a you couldn’t formulate, and the tears you couldn’t explain. You asked why Allah would give you a mind that makes loving and worshipping Him so difficult. We cannot know the specific wisdom behind any individual test. But we do know that Allah never wastes suffering. Some of the people closest to Him endured years of grief, illness, fear, and loneliness. Their hardships were not signs of His rejection but they were part of a journey whose wisdom became clear only with Allah. You describe wanting to worship Allah with all five love languages, deep reflections, long du’as, and consistent devotion. Those are beautiful aspirations. But perhaps your current season of worship is much simpler. Maybe your “Friday date with Allah” is sitting quietly and saying, “Ya Allah, I’m too tired to say much today, but You know my heart.” That may be exactly what your Lord wants from you today.
Allah is Ash-Shakūr. He appreciates what people overlook even the smallest sincere deed. If He appreciates a smile, a sip of water given to someone thirsty, or removing harm from the road, then do you think ,He does not appreciate the effort it takes for you simply to wake up, continue treatment, and keep turning back to Him despite the darkness in your mind? You mentioned struggling with the verse:
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.” (Qur’an 2:286)
Sometimes we misunderstand this verse. It does not mean you will never feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to see a way forward. Even the prophets experienced immense grief. Rather, Allah knows the true capacity of your soul better than you do. The fact that you are still reaching for Him despite everything is evidence that He is sustaining you, even when you cannot feel it. I also want to remind you of this beautiful verse:
“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, He is the All-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.'” (Qur’an 39:53) If Allah tells even those who have sinned greatly not to despair of His mercy, then how much more should someone who is suffering from illness not despair of His compassion?Allah sees the heart that longs for Him. He knows your intention before you can act.
Please continue your therapy and medication journey. Seeking treatment is not a lack of tawakkul it is part of tawakkul. Allah is the One who grants healing, and He often heals through the means He has created. Finally, dear sister, I was concerned when you wrote that there are times you wish you had never existed or don’t want to be here anymore. Please don’t carry those thoughts alone. Tell your therapist or psychiatrist exactly what you’re experiencing, and if those thoughts become overwhelming or you feel you might act on them, seek immediate help from someone you trust or your nearest emergency department. Your life is precious to Allah, and you deserve support through this immense trial. I can tell you a beautiful Dua to recite everytime.
رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ ۖ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا ۚ أَنتَ مَوْلَانَا فَانصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ
Transliteration: Rabbanā wa lā tuḥammilnā mā lā ṭāqata lanā bih, waʿfu ʿannā, waghfir lanā, warḥamnā. Anta Mawlānā fanṣurnā ʿalā al-qawmil-kāfirīn.
Translation: “Our Lord, do not burden us with what we have no strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy upon us. You are our Protector, so grant us victory over the disbelieving people.” (Qur’an 2:286)
This is one of the most beautiful du’as in the Qur’an and is often recited for strength, forgiveness, mercy, and relief from overwhelming burdens.
I pray that one day you look back and realize that even in the moments when you felt you were barely holding on to Allah, He was holding on to you all along. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/selfesteemworth/
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