I don’t know whats wrong with me
Salam,
I’m a 14 year old girl, and there are so many things wrong with me and I have so many worries but I CAN’T FIGURE THEM OUT.
Ever since I was young I’ve been hyper-aware of myself and very self conscious of every thought, impulsion, situation, and I’m good at analysing problems. This might be because of my family, who have been constant fighters for as long as I’ve known. I’ve come to a conclusion that seeing my parents fight over small things, and trying to over analyse and overthink and figure out solutions, sometimes keeping me up from sleep when I was at such a young age turned me into this paranoid beast who wont stop running away from something that isn’t even there. And I would reach the right solutions as well. Now I know to understand people by their personality and how much they reveal about themselves. I had real, adult-sounding solutions to talk to my parents and family to fix things but nothing would work, because I was just a young girl. No one would ever listen to me, no matter how much I made sense. So now I keep to myself, analysing with my mouth shut. I slowly became a people pleaser and tried to make everyone happy all the time, and it would make me happy too. And I feel like my mother is the base of my emotional pain but I won’t talk about her. I can’t really trust her with sensitive topics (unless its on text). As a child I would get attached to things that would bother me, in this case it was all the LGBTQ stuff going on at my public school, and then I would obsess over them and try to figure it out. Figure out why I was confused, figure out how to make all the craziness stop, figure out how to fix it by myself. That time of my life is something I laugh about now, but it was very real then. It was horrible. I could not sleep I felt guilty about every single thing I didn’t want to even look at anyone the same gender as me because I would get anxious and start questioning myself. I would report back to my dad with every intrusive thought I had and I would feel so guilty and drained if I didn’t. I am so so blessed to have a father who I can talk to openly about anything at all. He never made me feel more guilty. He would smile, and calmly tell me all the reasons I didnt need to worry. One time he told me I needed to start talking to my mother about what was bothering me too, so I tried. I can’t remember exactly how she reacted but she kind of shunned it off or asked me to go do something else, or screamed at me. I’ve never talked to her about anything since then. All of this happened when I was 8 years old but up till now I still feel like I can’t rely on my mother as a mother. I’m like an annoying scratch on her back that she can’t reach. She already knows how she treats me and she says I don’t love her, and she’s cried many nights and days because of it. I feel horrible to say I don’t really feel anything towards her. She’s just someone I see at home sometimes.
This whole debacle of OCD that I experienced since I was young changed my parents whole perspective on schooling and Western countries. They moved their planning of future houses and suburbs and high schools just so me and my four year old sister could have a bright and steady future. I now go to a Muslim high school, but the OCD will always come in other ways.
It all started again since this years Ramadan. Since my family is not that religious, I never developed much of the basic habits I should have as a muslimah. I went from never praying to 5 times a day Alhamdulillah, but that is not where my stress has been on. Now that I’m typing this, I don’t even KNOW what the problem was or where it came from or how I even thought of it. But I was trying to cram in information of our deen all at once, a plan to become the best person I could be at the quickest rate. lectures, reading, hadith study, tadabbur, enrolling in programs, videos, podcasts, time stamps, note taking. I was so busy planning I didn’t get anything done. I wanted the philosophy and wisdom to just fix it, myself, fix my life, fix my personality, everything but I couldn’t and I still can’t. It did bring me closer to Allah but it lasted around 4 months and every drop of care and hope has been squeezed out of me. Now I feel disconnected, dull, I cry when I’m by myself and I don’t even know why everything feels silent and pointless and I have no one to rely on because I need to do it myself. My parents probably would consider therapy for me if I ask them but they will just tell me ‘ok’ and then stretch out the waiting until they think I’ve forgotten about it. Now my current dilemma is just worrying about the future. I am petrified of the consequences of my mistakes and equally terrified of all the things I don’t know. I know I’m human, and that we are not perfect, but I want to live a life that I’m proud of and that my parents are proud of, I don’t want to regret spending my youth by wasting time. I could memorise the Quran in that time. I could learn SO MUCH in that time. But I never will, and I can’t help but feel everything I’ve gone through are all factors that make me arrogant, fakely self-confident, hypocritical, and everything I didn’t want to be. Everything that I wanted to fix, avoid, all the bad qualities, I feel like I have them anyways. I can see them in myself when I’m at school, when I’m on the verge of hating a close friend, when I’m jealous of someone for something, when I’m scared I’ll get exposed for my psychotic ways, when I see all these people online finding something that I’m craving but I don’t know what. Is it peace? Is it love? I don’t know. I’m even scared of making posts like this in case I accidentally use manipulating words and they give me info that will make me even more self absorbed. I’ve given up on writing all this because I feel like this doesn’t reflect anything. Maybe a little. I feel like I haven’t said enough or explained clearly, and no amount of paragraphs can encase the pain I was dealing with or the disgust, guilt, annoyance, and exhaustion I feel towards myself and unfortunately towards others. This is not the full story. Jazak Allah Khairun in advance, thank you if you respond
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Wa Alaikum Salam dear sister,
I can see that you’re facing a lot right now, and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. Remember, you are not alone in this, and you are definitely not broken. It sounds like you’ve been juggling a lot, and it’s okay to take a step back.From everything you shared, a few things stand out: you’ve carried too much responsibility on your shoulders as a child, you’ve been trying to “fix” things that were never yours to fix, and you’ve been pushing yourself to be perfect in faith and life too quickly. That’s exhausting for anyone, especially someone your age.
Consider taking small, manageable steps to help bring some balance into your life. Here are a few suggestions:
1. **Establish a Routine**: Begin by praying Fajr on time.
2. **Engage with the Qur’an**: Aim to read 1-2 ayahs each day, even if it’s just a small portion.
3. **Practice Gratitude**: Write down one thing you’re grateful for each day.
4. **Move Your Body**: Spend at least 10 minutes outside or doing some light exercise during the day.
5. **Take Breathers**: If school feels overwhelming, pause for a moment and take 5 deep breaths to center yourself.
6. **Evening Reflection**: Pray Maghrib/Isha with focus in the evenings.
7. **Journaling**: Before bed, write in your journal about one worry and one positive thing that happened that day.
8. **Make Dua**: Conclude your day with a short dua: “Ya Allah, ease my heart and guide me.”
By incorporating these small habits gradually, you can create a sense of calm without the pressure to be perfect. Consistent small steps are meaningful, and Allah appreciates our efforts.When you feel disconnected, don’t panic ,faith naturally rises and falls. Just keep turning back to Allah with small acts and dua.
I can hear how much you appreciate your father’s calm and support ,Alhamdulillah, that’s a blessing. Keep turning to him when you need someone to talk to.With your mother, I know it feels painful to not have the connection you wish for. Please know that this doesn’t mean you are unlovable or that something is wrong with you. Sometimes parents struggle to show love in the way we need. For now, showing her basic respect and kindness is enough.Also, it’s important to remember that your parents’ challenges aren’t yours to solve. You deserve to simply enjoy being 14. If you feel comfortable, try discussing the idea of therapy with your parents again, as additional support could be very beneficial.
You’re doing your best, and Allah recognizes every effort you make.That alone should be making you proud of!!
From Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister.
I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid, and nothing you wrote makes you sound broken, confused, hypocritical, or beyond help. Everything you said simply shows a tender-hearted young girl who has spent a long time trying to understand, fix, and carry everything around her. When you grow up watching the adults around you argue and feel like you cannot stop it, your mind might naturally try to find ways to keep you safe. Sometimes, that can make it feel like you have to overthink every detail and find a perfect solution just to hold everything together. Doing that for years is exhausting, and it seems like your brain might just be tired from constantly watching out for the next thing you feel you have to solve.
It sounds like you might be seeing every single thought as proof of who you are on the inside. When you notice jealousy, you worry it makes you a bad person; when an unwanted thought pops up, you fear it reveals something dark about you, and if you feel a quick moment of irritation toward a friend, you worry you secretly hate people. Even when you try to be a good Muslim, you worry that wanting to improve is just pride or hypocrisy. It is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when carrying so much. However, having these random thoughts does not mean there is anything wrong with who you are. A thought is simply a passing event, not a sign of your character. A feeling is not a label on who you are, and an uninvited thought is never an intention. Everyone experiences jealousy, annoyance, insecurity, and fear at times. Experiencing these emotions does not define you; what truly matters is how you choose to act. The fact that these constant upsetting thoughts bother you so much does not prove that you are secretly a horrible person, if anything, it shows how much you are watching, analyzing, and judging your own mind. So, please try to avoid being so hard on yourself, and treat yourself with much more kindness instead.
Also, I would like you to kindly know that you do not need to figure yourself out all at once. At fourteen, you are still becoming who you are, and you are allowed space to grow. It is okay to have imperfect moments. Part of growing up is realizing there are things about yourself you want to improve. You are going to sometimes feel jealous, selfish, impatient, confused, emotional, or unsure, but every one of those moments is just a chance to learn. Furthermore, Islam does not ask us to be perfect before we are allowed to feel close to Allah. Also, Allah reminds us never to lose hope in His mercy. Your relationship with Allah is not a race. You do not have to watch every lecture, understand every hadith, fix every part of your personality, or become the ideal Muslimah before your teenage years are even over. Faith is a lifelong journey and taking it one step at a time is totally okay. The important thing is doing the best you can with where you are.
It is so clear that the way you approached the deen came from a beautiful place, but anxiety turned it into another thing you felt you had to master perfectly. You went from not praying to praying five times a day; that is already such a huge, amazing step. But then your mind told you that you needed to perfect your faith right away. So, eventually, something that was meant to bring you peace turned into an overwhelming job. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your heart is to keep life simple. Try focusing on the basics like praying your salah, reading a few verses of the Qur’an, doing dhikr and making simple du’as. Also try taking care of your daily life by doing your schoolwork, eating well, and getting good sleep. And just as important, give yourself permission to be fourteen, laugh with your friends, go outside, and enjoy your days.
Along with the heavy thoughts, you described struggling with strong guilt, searching for reassurance, having trouble sleeping, overthinking your actions, and feeling like you cannot turn your mind off. If you feel comfortable with it, it can really help to talk with a school counselor or a therapist. They are used to helping young people through these kinds of challenges and can give you practical ways to handle them. I would suggest talking with your dad, whenever you feel ready, and letting him know you would like to try seeing a therapist. Since you mentioned being able to speak openly with him, letting him know your thoughts are feeling overwhelming can help him see why talking with a therapist could really make a difference for you. It also can help to open up to your dad or even a school counselor about crying alone, feeling numb and disconnected, and feeling like everything is quiet and heavy. I would like you to know that asking for help takes a lot of courage; it is a sign of strength and not weakness, and you deserve support that can help you feel better.
Please try not to let your relationship with your mother become another heavy weight on your shoulders that you feel you have to figure out overnight. What happened when you were eight clearly hurts you, and it makes sense that you feel hesitant to share your personal feelings with her. We are guided to treat our parents with love, kindness, and respect, so, I would like to encourage you to continue showing your mother love and being good to her. Insha Allah, with time, patience, and du’a things have a way of working themselves out. And kindly remember that it is not up to you to fix your parents’ relationship, manage your mother’s emotions, or carry the weight of making your family healthy. At fourteen, you are still a young lady who deserves time to bloom. You can honor your family while still giving yourself permission to focus on your own health, peace, and everyday life.
Kindly know that your youth is not wasted because you did not memorize the entire Qur’an by fourteen, nor is it wasted because you spent some afternoons just resting. Struggling through a hard time does not mean you are wasting these years either. Some of the most meaningful things you can learn at fourteen are not about trying to make every minute productive. It is learning how to rest without feeling guilty, how to ask for help without feeling uncomfortable, how to let things be uncertain without needing an answer right away, how to notice a scary thought without giving in to it, and how to turn back to Allah whenever you feel you are losing your way.
You mentioned that you do not know whether what you are craving is peace or love. Maybe you do not have to name it just yet. Maybe for now, you simply need a safe place to set down the heavy weight you have been carrying for so long. You are not broken, and you are not something that needs to be fixed. You are a fourteen-year-old girl who has been trying so hard to make sense of a world that often felt far too complicated for your age. You do not need to become a completely different person; you just need support, patience, and permission to find yourself slowly, one day at a time. Please do give yourself credit for how much you care about doing the right thing. You have a bright future ahead of you, and Allah sees how sincerely you are trying. Know that it is okay to just be a teenager, that you are deeply loved, and that life will start to feel easier as you give yourself time to grow. You are never alone; Allah is always near to listen to your quietest du’as, and there are people, like counselors and trusted adults, who can listen and help hold your hand through the heavy moments. And please trust that, Insha Allah, so many wonderful things are waiting for you in your future.
May Allah make every step easy for you, fill your heart with peace, bring healing to your family, and draw you closer to Him.
Your Sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer Habiba K
Zeina
Salam, months after this post i still feel like I can’t understand myself. The situation has gotten worse where my issues feel murky and my head is never cleared. Since I’m on school holidays, I feel less exhausted and like I have more time to reflect. I feel like every day specifically at school I’m trying so hard to be an optimisitc and fun friend but any interaction I make is boring, dead and dull. Sometimes I try hard but sometimes I don’t care. I also feel lonely like my friends use me for my intelligence and i often don’t feel like they care about me. I have no interactions during the holidays, no one bothers to message me even though i do. I get ignored in group chats. I have no famiyl friends and I always get into fights with my parents because they talk about the one family that we are mutually friends with in a bad way. They talk about how they are too private and closed, while we are open with them. Personally I feel like my parents find soemthing negative in everyone, and they have high expectations for friends even though we aren’t even close to recognising our own flaws as a family. Every time i get annoyed at my parents for talking like that my father starts to ask me questions like “ok then answer _____. Is this fair?” and I’m never able to answer back. I want to say as muslims we should always give others the benefit of the doubt but they hate that, an dthey dislike their own parents because of it. Why can’t we make dua to improve our friendships? why can’t we just be happy we even have friends who we can talk to at all?
We don’t have outside family either, they’re all together in either Egypt or Canada. I feel isolated and alone, like no one understands me and I can’t talk to anyone. I feel lik emy life is just on autopilot and I have so much ambition that will go wasted over me trying to fix things.
Anonymous
Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu my dear Sister ❤️
I can really feel how much this has been weighing on you. You’ve been trying so hard to stay positive and be a good friend, but I know how lonely that can feel when it’s not returned the same way. You don’t have to keep pretending you’re okay ; it’s enough that you’re trying your best, and Allah sees every bit of that even when people don’t.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling confused or tired. Sometimes when life feels blurry, it’s because Allah is slowing things down for you to reflect and heal. You’re not falling behind ; you’re growing, even if it doesn’t look like it yet.It feels like you have been holding a lot inside. I can feel the heaviness and confusion in your words, and what you’re describing is something many sensitive and thoughtful souls go through, especially when their surroundings feel emotionally draining or dismissive. You’re clearly self-aware and longing for sincerity, connection, and peace that’s a beautiful trait, even though it’s painful right now.
When you say your “issues feel murky” and your “head is never clear,” it sounds like your mind is overloaded not necessarily broken. You’ve been forcing yourself to be cheerful and social at school, while deep inside, you feel unseen. That mismatch between who you show to the world and how you truly feel inside can cause emotional exhaustion and confusion. During holidays, when the noise quiets, your mind starts to notice all the pain it couldn’t process earlier which makes sense.Try small ways to reconnect with yourself:Sit in silence for a few minutes daily ; no distractions, just deep breathing and dhikr.Journal without editing your thoughts. Don’t worry about sounding right, just empty out.Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? instead of What’s wrong with me?
It’s really painful to feel like people value your intelligence more than you. You sound like someone who gives a lot ; kindness, help, thoughtfulness but may not get that same energy back.
That can make your interactions feel forced or empty.Sometimes, people with deeper emotional worlds find surface level friendships draining. It’s not that you’re boring ,it’s that you crave authenticity, and not everyone meets you at that depth.You might consider:Pulling back slightly from those who drain you not out of bitterness, but self-respect.
Making du‘a that Allah blesses you with sincere, kind company .Reminding yourself that solitude isn’t failure ; it can be the space where Allah nurtures you for something greater.
What you said about your parents is so insightful. You see their negativity and high expectations clearly that’s emotional maturity. You’re right: Islam encourages having good thoughts about others, and it hurts when even your attempts to bring that up cause tension.
When your father corners you with questions, he’s trying to win the argument, not understand. You might not be able to change how they talk, but you can protect your heart by responding calmly or disengaging. Sometimes silence is more powerful than explaining.
You can say ,I understand what you mean. I just see it differently, but I respect your view.That can end the argument without you having to compromise your values.And yes you’re absolutely right: we can and should make du‘a for better relationships and hearts that love sincerely. That’s a form of faith.That sense of drifting, of watching life go by while you’re full of potential, is a sign that your soul wants purpose. You may be trying so hard to fix things outside of you (friends, family) that you’re neglecting the quiet part inside that just wants to grow. Try to say
Maybe I don’t need to fix everything right now. Maybe I just need to nurture myself through learning, Ibadah, and rest so that when Allah opens the next chapter, I’m ready.You’re not behind. You’re becoming what you really wanted to be…
You’re such a thoughtful person, and that’s a rare thing. Keep making dua, even small ones. Allah hears you. You’re not alone in this.In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards
From your Sister in Islam