I paid OnlyFans and now I don’t know what to do
For years I have been struggling with pornography addiction, since I was 13 years old. I have tried so many times to quit and did not succeed any of the times, to the point that I feel so hopeless that any time I read advice about how to quit I feel “it doesn’t matter, this is just like last time, you’ll end up relapsing anyways.” I already relapsed once during a fast in Ramadan and I felt so horrible that I swore that I would not watch any porn again for the whole of Ramadan at least and finally I’d free myself of it. Instead today I ended up spending so many hours (more than 5 hours) going so deep into it that I ended up making an only fans account and paying money to a random person. I can’t even fathom now how I stooped to such a low level, wallahi I never thought it was even possible for me to reach the point where I was paying for this. And I never spent such a long amount of time on this either. I feel like I have permanently defiled myself since now that payment will always be there on my card account. I feel so horrible because I broke my fast again. I love Islam and I spend a significant amount of time studying it beyond just fardh, I dream to be a hafidh inshallah, last night I was reading Qur’an to my family. I am so pained by this I can’t even express it in words, I feel like I am a complete munafiq for sinning so much while I give the appearance of being pious. I can’t let this go on any further now because I feel like I’ve reached such a low point that I’m completely terrified of what could be next if I can’t stop. I have so many goals yet I’m letting myself become completely dragged down by these sins. I need help.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear Brother,
I feel your pain, and I want you to know that you are not beyond hope. The fact that you are reaching out, feeling this regret, and wanting to change means that your heart is still alive. That is a gift from Allah (SWT) . Shaytan wants you to believe you are doomed, that your repentance is meaningless, and that you will keep falling, so why bother? But Shaytan is a liar. Right now, you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. But sometimes, hitting rock bottom is exactly what we need to rise higher than ever before. You are at a critical turning point in your life. You can either believe the whispers telling you, “You’re too far gone, you’ll never change, just give up”, or you can stand up and fight back like your life depends on it. Because it does. This isn’t just about pornography. This is about your identity.
Do you want to die in a state of worship or in a state of regret? Your sin is not your identity. Right now, you feel dirty, ashamed, and broken. But look at what Allah says: “Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” ( Surah Az -Zumar:53) This ayah is for people just like you…,people who feel like they have gone too far. But Allah is calling you back. SubhanAllah!!! The Prophet (SAW) said: “All the children of Adam sin, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.”
This Is a Fight Worth Fighting. Right now, your mind is telling you, “I always fail. I will relapse again. Why even try?” That is not the truth it is a lie whispered by hopelessness. You have fought this for years, which means you have not given up. You are still here, seeking help. That means there is still a fighter in you. This addiction is part of the battle between your nafs (lower self) and your soul. Your nafs is selfish. It just wants pleasure, escape, and gratification, no matter the cost. It tells you, “Just one more time,” and when you listen, it makes you feel disgusting afterward. Your soul is yearning to be free.
There are 3 types of Nafs Allah( SWT) described in Qur’an. Among those one is “Annafsulammarathu bi su'” which is the nafs that commands us to sin. We have to work hard to tame those desires and it will be a lifetime journey to get there. But with Allah’s help, you can reach to the most trained and disciplined nafs which only do what makes Allah ( SWT) happy. That’s “Alnafsul mutma’inah”.You can reach there. In Shaa Allah!! But the other nafs which is called “Annafsin lawwama” which is the one making you feel remorse when you do the mistake.
It’s the part of you that loves Allah, that wants to be a Hafidh, that wants to stand before Him on the Day of Judgment without shame. Right now, your nafs is trying to control you. But the moment you decide, “Enough. I will not be a slave to this anymore,” is the moment you start winning.
Porn addiction is not just about desire it’s about dopamine. Every time you watch, your brain releases huge amounts of dopamine, which is the “feel-good” chemical .Over time, your brain gets used to this unnatural flood of dopamine and starts needing more extreme content to feel the same pleasure. This is why relapses feel worse over time because the addiction is escalating. It also weakens your willpower—which is why you feel like you can’t stop, no matter how much you want to. But here’s the good news: The brain can heal. Just like any other addiction, when you stop feeding it, your dopamine levels start resetting, and you gain back control. Every day your resist is a step towards freedom. Porn isn’t just about desire it’s about filling a void. Find something healthier to replace it. The more you lower your gaze and purify yourself, the more Allah will open the doors of Qur’an to you. Imagine the honor of standing on the Day of Judgment with a purified heart, having overcome this.
I can tell you about an emergency reset option : Cancel OnlyFans NOW. Not later. Now. Block all access. Get rid of triggers. If you watch at night, keep your phone out of your room. Unfollow anything remotely suggestive. No more “innocent scrolling” that leads to temptation.
Start your day with Qur’an, dhikr, and exercise. Set the tone for control. Have a full schedule so you don’t have time to be alone with temptation. Physical Exercise: It lowers dopamine cravings. Even walking helps. No phone after a certain hour. Charge it outside your room. Journal your progress daily. Track your streak. Even one clean day is progress. When you get an urge, follow these steps immediately: Say ‘A’udhu Billahi min ash-Shaytan ir-Rajim’ out loud. Move! Stand up, walk, Do Push-ups, physically change your state. Recite Qur’an even one ayah can break the urge. Call a friend or go to a public place don’t stay alone.
Let’s be real you might slip again. But here’s the rule….If you fall, IMMEDIATELY get up. Pray two rak’ahs of tawbah. The only way to lose is if you give up. And you are not giving up. Yes, you fell. Yes, you even paid for it. Yes, it was Ramadan. But Allah’s mercy is infinite. He knew you would sin before you were even born, and He still created you, guided you to Islam, and is giving you another chance. Think about that. Allah still wants you. No matter how bad you feel, go make wudu and pray two rak’ahs of tawbah. Ask Allah for forgiveness, sincerely. If you feel distant from Him, ask Him to bring you closer. Don’t wait. Do it now. Every day, ask Allah to remove this addiction from your heart. Imagine a child learning to walk. He falls again and again, but his parents never say, “You’ll never walk. Just stay down.” No! They encourage him to keep going. Allah is even more merciful to you than a mother is to her child. When you fall, get back up. Repent. Keep fighting. Replace the Addiction with Something Stronger, Your dream is to be a Hafidh use this as your motivation. Every time you get an urge, pick up the Qur’an and read. When you feel weak, make du’a immediately. Say: “O Allah, I am weak. Strengthen me. O Allah, I want to be pure. Help me.”
You need someone to help you whether it’s a trusted friend, a mentor, or even a counselor. Having someone to check in with you weekly can make a huge difference.
You are not your addiction. You are not a “Hypocrite”. You are someone struggling, just like all of us struggle in different ways. And with Allah’s help, you can overcome this…In Shaa Allah!!
Allah has chosen you to recognize your mistake and feel remorse. That’s already a sign of His mercy on you. The story isn’t over yet this can be the beginning of your journey toward real, lasting change. Keep going. Do not stop. Allah is with you.
Warm Regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear brother,
I want to acknowledge how incredibly brave you are for reaching out. Not everyone is able to recognize they have an addiction, and sometimes if they can recognize, they don’t have the will to seek help. Already, my brother, you have taken these steps on your road to recovery.
As I read through your post, I could feel the guilt and heavy burden you are carrying as these grueling feelings have remained with you for quite some time. The fact that you reached out and are looking for help sounds like you are a believer, who loves and cares about his relationship with Allah (SWT) but who is also struggling with a particular sin. This doesn’t make you a hypocrite, it makes you a human being, as we all sin, and the best of us are those who come back to Allah, while making the intention to not resume the sin. It may happen as you have been struggling with this addiction for many years but that doesn’t mean you will never recover. You mentioned in your post that you tried to quit the habit many times and yet never managed to do so, but, my brother, the way that I see it is that Allah placed that feeling in your heart to recover from your addiction. That feeling is placed there for a reason. Trust that with Allah’s help, you will be able to overcome.
Many people, young and old, Muslim and non, also struggle with this and so I hope you know you’re not alone. This site here helps individuals who struggle with pornography addiction and is Muslim run https://purifyyourgaze.com/start-here/ .This is a video that you may find helpful as well, as the Imam being interviewed has helped many Muslims overcome this habit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsj-FsCsnZQ&ab_channel=BelalAssaad.
I pray that Allah strengthens you to over come your addiction, purifies your heart, and allows your struggles to be a source of inspiration for others, ameen.
All the best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2019/04/04/a-system-of-guilt/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/12/27/sinner/
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Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Brother.
I can hear how much this weighs on your heart, but please know that you are never beyond hope, and you are never out of the reach of Allah’s mercy. The guilt and agony you feel after slipping is not the mark of a hypocrite. A true hypocrite feels no remorse for sin and cares nothing for the pleasure of Allah. The pain you are experiencing is evidence of a heart that sincerely loves Islam, honors the Qur’an, and deeply longs to be close to its Creator.
When something begins when you are only thirteen, it builds deep roots over time. In moments of heavy stress or exhaustion, that pain can cloud your thinking and make it so much harder to stand firm, leading you to act against your true values. Spending hours online or spending money to escape into an old habit during a vulnerable moment does not mean you lost your goodness, rather, it is a sign that a long-standing struggle reached a temporary breaking point. A charge on a bank statement is just numbers on a screen; it does not define your spiritual purity, nor does it stain your soul. Please always remember that Allah’s mercy is greater than any sin, no matter how heavy it feels. In the Qur’an, Allah reassures us: “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.” (39:53). The door of tawbah is always open to us, no matter how many times we fall. Allah will forgive your sins whenever you turn back to Him with sincere regret, regardless of when a mistake occurs. Allah does not expect perfection from human beings; He asks for a sincere return to Him every time we stumble.
It might be that you feel hopeless when reading standard advice because relying on willpower alone to overcome a long-standing struggle can often lead to a cycle of slipping, guilt, and despair. Making promises to reform in moments of distress can create overwhelming pressure, which sometimes makes temptation even harder to resist. Thus, I would suggest you consider approaching this not just as a spiritual effort, but also as an everyday habit that could benefit from practical strategies and ongoing support. It can be helpful to put a few safeguards in place. For example, using screen limits or website blockers can create a helpful buffer, especially if a trusted friend holds the PIN so you are not tempted to bypass them. Also, you could check if your bank allows merchant restrictions to prevent impulsive online spending.
Alongside these practical steps, I would encourage you to look into professional support as part of your healing process. Working with a therapist, especially one who is culturally sensitive, can provide valuable tools and strategies for long-term support. A therapist can help you identify the underlying stressors, emotional needs, and vulnerable moments that keep this cycle going, making the path forward feel clearer and more manageable. And please, I want you to know that asking for help takes a lot of courage; it is a sign of strength and not weakness. Additionally, you might consider connecting with faith-based support groups designed for those facing similar struggles. A group like this offers a safe, non-judgmental space where you do not have to carry this weight alone. Being part of a supportive community provides ongoing encouragement and reminds you that you are not alone in this journey. Having a comforting environment to share experiences and lean on others can make a meaningful difference in your healing.
Though things may feel heavy right now, this very moment can become the turning point where you rebuild a supported, steady, and peaceful path forward into a life where you are unburdened and those inner conflicts no longer consume you. With that in mind, I want to encourage you not to feel insincere when you recite the Qur’an to your family, nor to give up on your spiritual goals. Striving to memorize the Book of Allah is a noble and beautiful pursuit, and the Qur’an is a source of true healing which has been given to comfort and guide us, especially when our hearts need it most. So, allow your love for Islam to bring you comfort rather than a sense of inadequacy. In these quiet moments, you can try performing wudu, praying two raka’at of Salat al-Tawbah, and making du’a asking Allah to grant you strength, clarity, and ease.
Please try not to let yourself believe that a stumble erases everything good you have done. The Qur’an you have read still matters. Your intention to memorize the Qur’an still matters. Your love for Allah still matters. Your good deeds still matter. Your hopes for your future still matter. Slipping into a habit you desperately want to break can be overwhelming, but it does not define the end of your journey. You can seek forgiveness. You can ask for support. You can set simple boundaries to protect yourself. You can learn to understand your moments of vulnerability. You may fall, and by Allah’s mercy, you can rise again.
Rather than judging yourself harshly, please turn your heart back to Allah. Allow your remorse to become a doorway to His mercy, drawing you closer to Him instead of building a wall between you. There is so much goodness within you; give yourself permission to let it shine through. And never doubt the strength that lies within you or the boundless mercy waiting for you. You are fully capable of overcoming this struggle. Trust in Allah’s capacity to heal you and in your own capacity to grow. One step at a time, Insha Allah, you can win this battle and move forward into a steady, healthy, and fulfilling future.
May Allah make it easy for you, grant you peace, strength, and comfort, and guide your steps on your path to healing and growth.
Your Sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer HK