A system of guilt

Dear Fatima,

I’m a nineteen year old girl in college. I feel chained to a cycle of addiction in the form of masturbation and I sometimes hate myself for it. I know the triggers of it are going to sleep late and primarily looking at my phone in bed, but even when I try to avoid these triggers, the evil act comes back to plague me. It sometimes helps me to read Quran before going to sleep, but other times it doesn’t matter and I still sin because Satan’s whispers seem much too loud in my head. It’s much easier to control at home, but I hate that I struggle with it so much on campus. I already pray five times a day and read Quran, but I feel detached from my deen due to this ongoing sin. I know no one knows who Allah Forgives, but I just feel so guilty. Despite my guilt, it feels so hard to escape from. I feel like I’m just praying out of habit without connecting my prayers to my actions. I’ve tried watching videos on the topic of getting out of addictions in Islam but they seem to be short-term reminders to me. I would appreciate it so so much if you could help me stop this cycle of sin because I am so tired of waking up with a feeling of guilt. Thank you.

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First of all I want to say that you are one brave 19 year old to seek out help about such a private issue. I commend you for that. I truly believe that you can overcome this and pass the test with Allah swt’s guidance and help. 

First I want you to know that it isn’t hopeless and that what you are going through is normal. As humans we have sexual drives and that is ok. It takes discipline and time to control these urges for a higher and more spiritual relationship with Allah swt. While sexuality has its place in Islam, it is best reserved for intimacy to strengthen the bond of marriage. Until you are ready and able to be married, we can work on controlling your urges. As far as the guilt you are experiencing, masturbation does not take you outside the fold of Islam, so do not feel hopeless.

Here are a few things that can help for long term goals: 

Fasting: Fasting is great for so many things, as such it can help curve your urges. I’m not suggesting fast every day like we do in Ramadan, but fast intermittently. Fasting intermittently is beneficial to your metabolism as well as helps strengthen the will. Fasting is not a norm for the body as such, you are forced to stay mentally alert. 

Exercise: If you don’t already try to exercise at least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes.If you already meet this, try to up your game. It can be anything that will increase your heart rate and help develop a routine. In addition it releases happy endorphins which will keep your mood up and help you fall asleep at a regular schedule.

In addition to fasting and exercising, I suggest avoiding sexual stimuli (pornography, sexually explicit videos, movies etc.) keep you phone in a different room (or in your closet) while you are going to bed. Top of the list of things that brings temptation to masturbate is pornography so you have to rid yourself and your immediate environment of any and all pornographic content. Also, you should control your access to this content. If you are observant enough to know the specific times and instances you mostly get the urge to masturbate, try to get busy with other things at those times. Some people recommend exercising as this gives you a release of its own and leaves you exhausted to do much else. If you masturbate frequently as a result of your loneliness, find ways to limit your solitude. Do things you usually do alone in the company of others and in public places. Don’t lock yourself up indoors all day.

Lastly, try to channel your energy into other activities like fulfilling projects, volunteer or relief work. Yoga or meditation also help control your mind and nafs. There are some great apps that can help with meditation, in fact, some that you can do before you go to sleep. Fill your life with engaging activities. The excitement of doing something different and meeting set goals and objectives can help replace the urge to masturbate and you’ll have a lot more distractions that can keep your mind off it. The process of turning your sexual urges into creative output is something that monks and sages have mastered and it is called sublimation. This is something you can utilize on a scale that you are capable of. There are a lot of things that you can invest your time and energy to such as writing, learning to play an instrument, drawing etc. This takes discipline and persistence. Research has also shown that the way you live can either increase or decrease your self-control when it comes to dealing with addictions.

In addition to all of this, don’t beat yourself up!  Remember that masturbation is actually a natural urge and as human beings, we are always having these sexual urges and neither of these things makes you less of a person or any less worthy compared to anyone. Don’t allow yourself enter into despondency as this is mostly a waste of time; time that could have been spent relinquishing yourself of the addiction. So take it a step at a time and realize that there is actually help and you’re not helpless against the situation.

Be persistent and patient: Stopping masturbation is not something that can be done instantly. It is a process that requires commitment and you might fall to temptation and relapse on occasion. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens. The real struggle is in persevering so commit now that you won’t let mistakes stand in your way. You can also set up a reward system to reward yourself for good behavior and achievement in terms of how long you go without masturbating. When you keep a record of how long you’ve gone without masturbating, the longer the record stays the harder it is for you to engage in activity that will ruin that record. Doing this introduces a new motivation which can help you over the finish line. Your desire to keep your record and your pride in how long you’ve abstained will eventually overwhelm your desire to masturbate and at this point, your battle over addiction is almost won.

If masturbation is getting out of hand, where it is disrupting your daily activity, I would recommend seeking addiction counseling.

Remember, Allah swt is Forgiving and Loving, and it is a great sign that you are aware of this problem and seeking help. It shows your taqwaa. 

Sending you love, strength, and resolve in your struggle. 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

Fatima X