I don’t understand my family

Assalamualaikum my dear Sister,

Thank you for sharing such a personal and complex experience. What stood out to me is that you are not simply asking how to deal with difficult family relationships. You are genuinely trying to understand your parents’ cultural background and communication style because you want to maintain a relationship with them while living together. That willingness to understand both perspectives is valuable. I can imagine how confusing it must be to grow up learning one communication style and then find yourself in a family environment where much of the communication happens through unspoken expectations, family roles, and indirect messages.


Growing up blind in Europe, you learned to navigate the world through direct communication. Your immigrant parents may have grown up with different cultural expectations around family obligations, respect, and expressing needs. These differences can create genuine misunderstandings, especially when neither side fully recognizes how differently the other communicates.


I would encourage you to approach this situation with curiosity, without assuming that you are always wrong or that your family is always acting with harmful intentions. In some families influenced by collective values, expectations are communicated through context, established roles, and practical actions rather than explicit instructions. For example, a family member might expect you to notice that an elder needs a meal without having to ask. If you fulfill the need, your family may interpret your action as care and respect. If you do not, they may interpret it as a lack of consideration. This may help explain why your family praises you when you fulfil certain responsibilities but reacts negatively when you do not recognize an unspoken expectation.


However, not every Asian family communicates this way, and culture alone cannot explain every individual behaviour. You can learn about your family’s expectations without assuming that every criticism is justified. Your family may rely on visual information, gestures, or situational cues that you cannot access in the same way. Something that seems obvious to a sighted person may not be obvious to you. This is an accessibility issue, not a personal failing. You should not have to guess what others can simply tell you. Maybe you could explain: I want to contribute to our family and understand what matters to you. Sometimes I cannot recognize an expectation unless someone explains it verbally. If you tell me beforehand, I can make a much better effort to meet it. You can also ask your family to establish clear routines for recurring responsibilities, such as preparing meals, helping elders, or organizing family gatherings.


You mentioned that your family praises you for serving elders but focuses on what went wrong when you share personal achievements, even when you have corrected your mistakes. One possibility is that your family places greater emphasis on fulfilling family responsibilities than on individual accomplishments. Another is that they struggle when your independence or opinions challenge their expectations. Consider whether you can disagree respectfully, discuss your achievements, and acknowledge mistakes without being repeatedly belittled or publicly humiliated. Healthy relationships allow room for both responsibility and individuality. If your family struggles to provide that balance, you may need to seek encouragement and recognition from other supportive relationships as well. You can also ask whether sensitive disagreements would be better discussed privately rather than in front of relatives. Over time, you may recognize recurring expectations and become more familiar with your family’s preferences. Your responsibility is to make a reasonable effort, not to become a mind reader. Not every misunderstanding requires a lengthy discussion. When criticism arises, you might say: I understand that you would have preferred something different. I am willing to understand what you need, but it helps me when expectations are explained clearly. If the conversation becomes insulting or humiliating, you can pause it rather than repeatedly defending yourself. Where possible, choose a calmer time to revisit the issue.


You can also be selective about what you share with family members who consistently respond to your successes with criticism. Sharing your happiness with supportive friends or trusted people is not a betrayal of your family. Understand your family without dismissing your own experience. You mentioned that therapists have described your family as dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful. Those assessments may reflect concerning patterns, but it is important to consider specific behaviours, their frequency, and their impact rather than relying on labels alone. You do not need to choose between believing your family is entirely bad and believing that everything they do is justified by culture. Your family may express genuine love through practical care while also struggling to respect your individuality. Positive moments do not erase harmful behaviour, and painful experiences do not mean every relationship is beyond repair.


If you experience persistent humiliation, intimidation, or punishment for expressing reasonable needs, consider working with a therapist who understands both cross-cultural family dynamics and disability. The goal should be to help you navigate your relationships safely, not to pressure you either to reject your cultural background or to tolerate mistreatment. Perhaps your goal does not need to be fitting in at any cost. A more sustainable goal is learning how to live alongside your family while remaining yourself. You can respect traditions, show consideration for elders, and participate in responsibilities you agree to. You can also maintain your independence, express your opinions, and ask for accessible communication.


You may not be able to change your family’s communication style, but you can learn to recognize patterns, clarify expectations, and decide which compromises are reasonable for you. You can be grateful to your parents and still want independence. You can respect elders and still disagree with them. You can make mistakes, repair them, and continue to deserve respect.


Sister, you do not have to choose between loving your family and respecting yourself. You can respect their cultural values without accepting every expectation. You can contribute to family life without making your entire identity revolve around serving others.


Most importantly, please do not confuse being a good daughter with being someone who never disappoints her parents. Every family experiences misunderstandings. Healthy relationships are not those in which nobody makes mistakes; they are those in which people can clarify, apologize, repair, and move forward without humiliation. Try to build a relationship based on mutual understanding rather than constantly trying to earn approval. You deserve to belong without having to disappear as an individual.


May Allah grant you and your family greater understanding, compassion, and the ability to appreciate one another’s differences. Aameen!!


Warm regards,
 
From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”