Brink of divorce
Salam, I am a 30 yr female married for over 7 years now to the same man. We have had our ups and downs however this past year it feels like it’s just been downs. I think we are on stages of divorce and I need some insights to see if it’s still salvageable. There are a few core issues in our marriage the first being finances. I work and make money and have been actively making money since the start of my marriage. My husband does not spend much money on me. He makes well over 2 to 3 times as much as I do. However, I purchase all of my clothes, shoes, makeup, personal expenses etc. and for outings I mostly pay. My money is the fun money as well. Vacations, trip etc I paid for. I have purchased a car during our marriage; paid its 7k down payment and my husband has been telling me that he can’t afford its monthly loan payment for 4 years now. However, I had just realized he is making a lot more than what I thought and he would have been able to pay all this time. My husband uses this car to go to work and go out to his friend’s house or any outings he wants. He doesn’t see me as a hard-worker and claims I’m a bad wife and mother as well. There have been numerous times where he questions what I do all day. I maintain the home as best as I could, I cook, clean, take care of my kids and still work a job as well. I recently went from full time to part time because of him fighting with me about lacking in my time to my kids. However, he still questions what I do and makes me feel like I’m never good enough.
The most recent fight that caused the current damage beings here with this story:
Recently, I found a contractor to do some work in the backyard. I told my husband he was aware and agreed to the plan, work items and price. After 3 days of work the contractor did a bad job and I had to go to work and I called my husband telling him that the guy is saying he’s done and wants the rest of his money. I told him I don’t agree for us to finish paying him because the backyard isn’t leveled or graded at all it’s still sloped and it isn’t fair since the guy did not stick to his word or promise. My husband went spoke to the guy and agreed with him and called me asking me to send the contractor his money. My husband disagreed with me and said that’s why you don’t hire cheap labor, he told him it’s my fault and to pay him. He didn’t tell the guy to fix his mistakes and do a better a job, he took the other man’s stance and demand I pay the contractor. I paid the contractor and then I withdrew the money from our joint account since I felt like it was fair for me to pay for the work. My husband found out the following day and called me a thief. He said I robbed him and he yelled at me. He moved out of our bedroom, stopped talking to me. He went back to talking to me when his friends came over for my sons birthday party and acted nice and once they left he cut me off and told me, “ I don’t talk to thieves.” We had a sit down today with my mom who lives with us and it turned into another fight. It led us to talk about finances and I told him how much I have spent over the last 7 years on the family, my husband and myself when it’s not my duty, out of kindness, and how it’s wild for him to call me a thief over $1,500. I told him all of my clothings, makeup etc I have paid for. The kids clothing, some groceries , household goods, decor, all the fun outings etc I have paid for in the past. His salary goes to the mortgage, bills and some grocery trips. Everything else is put on me. I told him he’s so cheap to end our marriage over $1,500. He then responded and said that I am the cheap b*** for getting him gifts that are on clearance. I have bought 90% of his closet: shirts, pants, shorts, jackets, underwear and even shoes.
The second area of concern is my husband outings. He likes to go out to his friend’s house for fun and comes home sometimes around 2,3am one time he came home at 5am. He works Monday thru Friday and Friday/Saturday nights he leaves me alone at home. He essentially doesn’t make time for me. He prefers his friend’s company to my company. I don’t have much friends since we just moved to a new state and I don’t know anyone here. He had a large circle of friends and put time and efforts in their companionship than my own.
The third concern is he keeps females as friends. The first year of my marriage I found his messaging some females. I made a big deal of it and he told me that they are just friends. He told me that they are Hindu and one of the females made him his brother. He told it’s cultural and that she is his sister in Hinduism. I don’t understand it all. They used to chat and talk about their problems and feelings. It felt strange and I felt like i was getting cheated on, on an emotional level. Anyway years past and this week I found out that the same woman he was messaging during our early marriage was invited to our house and I had to host her and feed her at my son’s birthday party. They had an outing to play golf a few weeks ago and he took my kids and met up with her and I don’t know who else was there. I haven’t spoken to him about this since we are already in a deep mess with the other issues.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam Warahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu my dear sister!
From what you have shared, this seems to be about much more than a disagreement over $1,500. It appears that years of unresolved financial and emotional concerns have left you feeling unappreciated, unsupported, and disconnected from your husband.
I would encourage you to consider a few important Islamic principles. In Islam, providing financial maintenance for the wife and children is the husband’s responsibility according to his means. Your income belongs to you, and you are not obligated to spend it on household expenses, although you may contribute willingly. Allah says: “And live with them in kindness.” (Qur’an 4:19)
Allah says: “Men are caretakers of women because Allah has given some of them advantage over others and because they spend out of their wealth.” (Qur’an 4:34) Your financial contributions, whether towards clothing, household expenses, family outings, or other needs, should not be taken for granted. At the same time, financial disagreements should be resolved fairly, with honesty and transparency. Kindness and respect are essential in marriage. The Prophet ( SAW) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives.” Marriage is not just about providing financially or sharing a home. It requires emotional consideration, companionship, respect, and kindness. Insults, humiliation, and repeatedly belittling your spouse are not consistent with the character Islam teaches us. Both spouses should communicate clearly about shared money and financial decisions rather than allowing resentment to build.
Remember that your husband’s financial responsibilities do not remove your responsibility to treat him with fairness and respect. Both of you are accountable to Allah. Being a good husband is not limited to earning money or paying bills. It also involves kindness, emotional consideration, respect, and fulfilling your wife’s rights. Repeatedly questioning your contributions, belittling your efforts as a mother and wife, or calling you degrading names is not consistent with the character Islam encourages.
At the same time, both spouses should avoid hurtful language and learn to disagree without humiliating one another. Sabr does not mean accepting injustice indefinitely. Islam encourages patience, forgiveness, and reconciliation, but patience does not mean abandoning your legitimate rights or remaining silent when you are hurt. Allah says: “Either retain them according to acceptable terms or release them according to acceptable terms.” (Qur’an 2:229) Both spouses are accountable to Allah for how they treat one another. Trust and appropriate boundaries matter. We cannot conclude that your husband has been unfaithful based on what you have shared. However, your concerns about his friendships with other women deserve an honest and respectful discussion. Islam encourages modesty and appropriate boundaries between unrelated men and women. Both spouses should protect the trust and dignity of their marriage. Describing someone as a sister in another culture does not automatically make every interaction appropriate under Islamic teachings. You have the right to discuss what makes you uncomfortable and to seek honesty and transparency in your marriage. Equally, avoid making accusations without evidence. The goal should be to establish mutually respectful boundaries that protect the trust and dignity of your marriage.
Sister, please give reconciliation a genuine opportunity. Allah guides us in Qur’an 4:35 to appoint an arbitrator from each family when serious marital conflict arises. If possible, consider a qualified Muslim marriage counsellor who understands both Islamic marital rights and relationship dynamics. Discuss financial responsibilities, quality time, appropriate boundaries, communication, and shared parenting. Most importantly, look for genuine and consistent changes from both sides. Remember, you cannot repair a marriage alone. Reconciliation requires willingness, accountability, and effort from both spouses. If reconciliation is not possible, know that you have options. Islam encourages preserving marriage, but it does not require a woman to remain in a marriage regardless of the circumstances. If genuine efforts repeatedly fail and the relationship continues to cause serious harm, seek knowledgeable Islamic guidance about your options. Please reflect on this. Are both of you willing to acknowledge your mistakes, respect each other’s rights, and make meaningful changes. You do not have to prove your worth by continually sacrificing your financial and emotional well-being. Equally, both spouses must be willing to practice patience, forgiveness, and understanding.
Marriage is an Amanah (trust) before Allah. The goal should not simply be to keep a marriage together at any cost, but to build one based on rahmah (mercy), mawaddah (love), justice, and mutual respect. Allah says: “And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (Qur’an 30:21) Both spouses need companionship, quality time, and a sense of belonging in their marriage.
Prolonged silence and withdrawal do not resolve marital problems. Make Istikhara, seek wise counsel, and ask Allah to guide you towards what is best. Marriage is an Amanah (trust) before Allah. The goal should not simply be to keep a marriage together at any cost, but to build a relationship in which both spouses can fulfil their rights with kindness, justice, mercy, and respect. May Allah soften both your hearts, guide your husband and you towards what is pleasing to Him, restore your marriage if it is good for you, and grant you strength and clarity if a different path is necessary. May Allah protect your children and grant your family peace, mercy, and barakah. Ameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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