Social life
I am a 21 year old graduate with no technical job. I’ve had socializing issues for as long as I can remember. From what I have been able to gather myself it is from trauma and never having had developed social skills. I have talked with people about it trying to address(it never really helped rather just felt like I was venting) it but never professionally since I can’t afford it. I always have good intentions when socializing but it always feels like when I give off positive I always receive negative feedback just because of my character so I decide rather than giving people the wrong impression. I’d rather not give(what I’m assuming people see it as even though my intention is positive) or receive negative feedback so I’m always quiet. That quietness also gives people the wrong impression as if I were being rude as most people like to put it “thinking you’re better than everyone”. It’s impacted every part of my life to the point it feels like I’m just dragging my self along through life which also has a negative impact on the people around me which is what concerns me most.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Thank you for sharing this , it takes a lot of courage to be this honest, especially about something that feels so heavy and isolating. You’ve already shown a high level of self-awareness, and that’s a powerful starting point.
You’re describing something that many people quietly go through: feeling stuck in a cycle where attempts to connect with others are misunderstood, and staying quiet to avoid rejection only deepens the misunderstanding. The struggle you’re describing difficulty with socializing due to trauma and underdeveloped social skills is not a reflection of your worth or character. It’s a reflection of what you didn’t get the chance to learn safely, not what you’re incapable of learning. When someone’s early experiences taught them that being open led to judgment, rejection, or hurt, the brain begins to anticipate danger in even neutral or positive interactions. That trauma response might make you hyper-aware of how you come across, but also leave you unable to regulate how others interpret you which leads to that feeling of “no matter what I do, I lose. “When people sense someone is quiet or withdrawn, many will fill in the gaps based on their own insecurities. This isn’t your fault. It’s about their lens, not your truth.
Let’s break this down into small, doable actions. These won’t change everything overnight, but they will start to build a new pattern: Think like this , Who am I when I’m not being watched or judged?
Write out your actual intentions in daily situations. (e.g., “I wanted to be friendly when I said that.”)Compare them to how people reacted to you. Gently remind yourself: intentions matter more than misinterpretations. People’s filters aren’t always about you. Quietness isn’t failure. It’s a strategy you developed to survive misattunement. But now that you’re aware, you can begin choosing when and how to speak up not to please others, but to feel more like yourself. You can say: “I’m usually more quiet at first, but I warm up with time.”
Micro-practice social connection. You don’t need to go into long conversations. Start with brief exchanges: holding eye contact and saying “Hi” or “Thanks” in public spaces. Your goal is to build tolerance for social presence, not perfection in conversation. Script and rehearse for predictable interactions. It’s okay to prepare simple phrases to say when you meet someone new or when someone says something common like “How’s it going? “Notice safe people. Not everyone is a good mirror. If you’ve been around people who only reflect back misunderstanding or judgment, it doesn’t mean you’re showing up wrong it may mean they weren’t emotionally safe. You mentioned that your quietness ends up negatively impacting others, and you seem deeply concerned about that. While that shows your empathy, you’re not responsible for how others misread you, especially if you’re doing your best from a genuine place. Sometimes, people need to earn the right to see your full self, not just take it from the surface.
You might connect with people better in structured environments, like volunteering, gaming groups, art spaces, or cause driven communities where you don’t have to lead with small talk. Explore community support groups. Journaling (voice or written) with prompts like “What do I wish people understood about me today?” can give your inner voice a place to breathe. Try books or workbooks.
You’re 21, and even though it might feel like life is passing you by, you are still at the beginning of building the life you want. The fact that you are this self-aware and intentional already puts you ahead of many who haven’t even begun the journey.
You’re not alone in this even if it feels like it. You’re worth knowing, just as you are…What you’re experiencing is not rare but it’s rarely talked about this honestly. You’re not “too sensitive” or “too quiet” you’ve just never had the safety and guidance to grow into your full self. That can start now. You deserve connection that feels natural and healing not something you have to perform for or protect yourself from. You’re not dragging yourself through life you’re carrying unseen weights and still trying. That already makes you strong. Let’s start removing some of that weight, one piece at a time. Everything will be alright!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear brother/sister,
Thank you for being brave and sharing your struggles with having a positive social life. This is tough especially when you do try to put yourself out there, you’re met with negative feedback. All other people see is the result, while you are aware of the effort you’re putting in. Those efforts—no matter how insignificant they may seem to you—do matter. More often than not, our progression towards anything in life is gradual. This task can feel insurmountable and so it may help you to try and focus on one aspect of improving your social skills. Is there someone or a time/place that you feel you would like to try and improve on first? Do you have a friend or family member that you could try small steps with? As an example, if you find it difficult to initiate conversation with a friend, you could start small by even smiling and waving hello at that person. The steps don’t need to be big, but they do need to be consistent enough so that you are able to slowly grow into the individual you want to be.
Here is an article on some socialization tips you may find helpful: https://www.blinkist.com/magazine/posts/how-to-improve-social-skills.
Remember that no matter how other people perceive you, your ultimate goal is not to please them but to become a better and more well rounded individual who is able to take social situations.
Wishing you the best on your journey,
Your sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer, NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/selfesteemworth/
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Habiba K
Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you have described is profoundly challenging, and it takes a lot of courage to put it into words especially when you have felt misunderstood or judged for simply being yourself. Despite not being given the tools, you should have had, you have transformed what you were given into something powerful, navigating life with intention, thoughtfulness, and a beautiful sense of care. That in itself is a quiet form of strength.
You have tried to heal. You have tried to communicate. You have even considered the impact on others despite the pain you are carrying. That tells me your heart is deeply alive, even if it is weary.
There is nothing wrong with your character. Finding it hard to connect socially is not a sign of who you are deep down, it is merely a reflection of the experiences you have endured, the support you lacked, and the skills you are still in the process of building. And the fact that you care about the impact you have on others shows deep self-awareness and compassion. It makes sense that you have chosen silence to protect both yourself and others. When your intentions are repeatedly misunderstood, and every attempt to engage feels like it backfires, retreating feels safer. That is not a weakness, it is a natural response to emotional exhaustion. But over time, this protective silence can start to feel like isolation. And isolation can result in a person feeling like they are the problem or that they are making the situation worse. Those thoughts are common in people carrying invisible wounds, but they are not truths.
Please know that you are not broken, you are not a burden; you are someone in progress. You matter. Your presence matters. And there is more space in this world for who you are than you have been made to believe. Your quietness is not disrespect, but a form of self-protection that you are learning to outgrow.
As you journey through this challenge, I would like to suggest finding spaces, even small ones, where you
can be seen gently. This could be online or in person peer support groups for social anxiety as these can provide you with a sense of community and shared experience. You can search for groups in your area or online. Even if professional therapy is not an option right now, there might be other avenues for support. Some areas have community centers that offer low-cost or sliding-scale therapy services based on income. Additionally, universities with psychology programs often have training clinics where graduate students provide therapy under supervision at a reduced rate.
There also are free resources that can help you develop social skills. These include online courses and workshops on communication, social interactions and assertiveness. Psychologists and social coaches also offer free content on improving social interactions and managing social anxiety on YouTube. You can search for topics like “overcoming social anxiety,” or “improving communication.” Your local library likely has books on social skills, communication, and managing anxiety. You also may benefit from websites dedicated to mental health as they often provide free tips and articles.
And when engaging with people, rather than pressuring yourself to jump into long, heavy conversations, permit yourself to begin with small, easy interactions that feel manageable. You can practice making eye contact and offering a simple hello to people you encounter briefly. Ask simple questions that require more than a yes or no answer, but which do not demand too much of you. Strive to actively listen to the other person. Ask follow-up questions about what they are saying. This takes some pressure off you to perform and shows genuine interest.
Remember that healing often begins with simple gentleness toward yourself, with giving yourself permission to be human, without the constant fear that your struggles are a burden to everyone around you. Life is not about getting everything right; it is about learning to keep walking, even while carrying the weight you hold. Real transformation takes time. So be kind and patient with yourself, and trust that every small step you take truly matters, and that each one is guiding you closer to the wholeness that you seek.
Your Sister in Islam
Peer Support Volunteer Habiba K
You Are Not Alone
As salaamu alaikum beloved family. WOW!! If I had had this insight when I was your age maybe I would have had better success at being socially comfortable sooner. You are amazing and I am so happy you’ve been able to come to a place that you actually can put it into words. My teen said to me “there are 4 billion people on earth and it’s everyone’s first-time living. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember it is also your first time living. Don’t take their feedback personally. It may not be about something you said or didn’t say. It could just be timing or circumstances. Don’t force yourself down paths that don’t benefit your well being.” My point here is you get to choose. Think about things that interest you, like tv shows/ movies, arts, crafts, and other hobbies. I realized my ‘social group’ were and are people older than me like elders. Creative people are also my comfort social circle. Last point I want to make here is YOU ARE FINE JUST AS YOU ARE!!! 🙂 Be encouraged you will find your way. 4 billion people on earth you’ll find your people. Don’t be discouraged by a couple bumps in the road.